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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Do we choose a school that's right for DC or one that's right for the whole family?

80 replies

mckenzie · 21/02/2016 15:39

DD has been offered places at two schools, both of which are good and suitable and so that's great.
Problem is, DD favours one school but DH and I favour the other.
The school that DD favours is a longer school day, a longer school week and is further to travel. We think it will have a negative impact on family life and eventually therefore on the family itself.

Does DD get the final say? She is adamant that she is making the right choice for her.

OP posts:

twirlypoo · 22/02/2016 06:29

This sounds like the arrangement I had as a child, my dad drove me 15mins to the coach stop and I then had a 45 min journey to school before chapel / lessons. Supper and prep at other end of the day, then coach back and my dad would pick me up. I loved it! I would chat with my dad on the journey (or not, as I became a teenager!) snooze and chill on the coach, prep was done so I would come home and have another supper and watch tv with my parents (we only had 1 tv in house!) I moved from there to a single sex 6th form later on, and the girls who had been there since 3 really were under equipped when it came to the opposite sex. Those of us who had been at mixed school were a bit "meh" about the general population unless there was someone we fancied, the less experienced girls were in a tizz obst anyone in possession of a penis!

I would let her choose, if it really isn't working out you can move her, but getting her on side and some enthusiasm about her school / education at this age may go a long way.

Good luck!

post · 22/02/2016 06:55

Although she's only 11, I would let this be her decision in this case.
For almost all of us, decisions that we feel forced on us, or pressured into making, are much harder to reconcile if they turn out to have some difficult consequences than ones we make ourselves, and something as big as secondary schools is one of those big things that, if it doesn't work out in some way, hero narrative, at the time and even looking back in later years could be ' I knew it wasn't right for me and they took that opportunity away from me and didn't let me choose ' even 'what was good for my brother was more important than what was good for me', and that could be a very hard story in terms of long-term consequences for family life too.
Choices we make for ourselves are generally far easier to say 'i made my own choice, but looking back it wasn't the best one' without blame or resentment.
Like a pp, there could be good reasons for overruling her, I don't think the ones you've given are good enough.

EricNorthmanSucks · 22/02/2016 07:47

First, I think it's always worth keeping in mind that family life changes. And this is A Good Thing.

It's not about losing children, it's about changing dynamics. Nothing to be fearful or sad about it.

As children get older they take a more active role in deciding what family life should look like. Obviously the parents still have the right of veto, but they should use it sparingly IMVHO.

Imposing a single sex school on a girl strikes me as a recipe for disaster. Dito imposing a school where she will have to be taken and collected by parents, even as a teen.

That said, if DD gets to choose her school, she needs to understand and accept the consequences; no extr curricular outside school during term time ( she must choose from what's on offer in school). No whining about tiredness.

FWIW OP I let my DD chose at secondary. I was sure it was the wrong call on her part. But I was proved incorrect.

wheresthebeach · 22/02/2016 08:42

Surely you knew about the Saturday classes when you applied?

Seems harsh to show her a school, let her get offered a place, and then say 'no' based on information you had all along. In my book that's a recipe for rebellion and all sorts of resentment.

Let her chose.

EricNorthmanSucks · 22/02/2016 08:45

On the issue of Saturday school.

TBH if you have a sporty kid at a five day school, you'll still be facilitating matches most Saturdays. The end result is much the same.

Balletgirlmum · 22/02/2016 09:01

I agree Eric. In dds case Saturday's were spent taking dd to dance/drama classes anyway.

Gruach · 22/02/2016 09:02

If you had good reasons I'd say you should choose - but your reasons are about clinging to something that was always going to change anyway.

Saturday school? Wouldn't that make Friday an ideal night to take advantage of flexi-boarding? It's only during term time.

And think of the free time she'll have at home as her prep will already be done. And all the running around for activities that you won't have to do. And the fact that, as she goes through the years, she and her friends will develop routines and timetables and ways of being where they want to be that you simply cannot anticipate at this stage.

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2016 09:29

Do you really think that not wanting your child to be about of the house for twelve and a half hours - particularly when your other child is presumably only out for seven hours or so- is a strong reason for deciding against a school? I do.

redhat · 22/02/2016 09:35

I don't think the journey is that long. My DSs come home on the school bus which takes 45-60 minutes depending on traffic. They're younger than your DD and it's never been a problem. Saturday school - well it can be a PITA but you soon get used to it. I would let her go with her choice.

EricNorthmanSucks · 22/02/2016 09:35

But is forcing a girl to go to a single sex school against her wishes sensible? Just for a shorter day?

Gruach · 22/02/2016 09:36

(Are you missing a "not" Bert?)

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2016 09:38

Not sure- tied up in my own grammar!

I think the length of the day is a very strong anti point. I would not want my child to spend most of their waking hours at school or traveling. Particular if her sibling was at home much more.

Gruach · 22/02/2016 09:38

I usually argue for the single sex school - but there's something in the OP's writing that suggests to me that she also secretly thinks her DD's choice is a better school ...

EricNorthmanSucks · 22/02/2016 09:41

I'm a fan of single sex too. Both mine went from 11-16.

But they both wanted to. I don't think I would have forced them. Particularly not a girl.

Gruach · 22/02/2016 09:45

And, OP I wouldn't start planning to collect her early a couple of times a week until she is fully acclimatised and has seen how the school really operates.

It's a boarding school. At least half of the stuff that the boarding parents pay for will happen after lessons finish. Leaving early might be the best way for your DD to start to feel excluded.

TeddTess · 22/02/2016 09:47

I'm all for letting them choose but i would be really wary of being a day pupil at a boarding school

unless you're willing to move her to boarding/flexi boarding at some point?

that sounds like too long a day, plus saturdays, would be a deal breaker for me. i wouldn't actually have applied - but you did, so did you think it would be ok or was it just a back up?

ealingwestmum · 22/02/2016 10:15

You have a tricky one OP as either way now, your daughter could resent the decision to override her first choice (she'll get over it, she's still 11) or your family's impact will be huge on her 1st choice. Don't forget the toing and froing on top you'll need to do for concerts, plays, sports, parents meetings etc.

She's also been shown an opportunity, gained the place, but may not be able to now have (I know, your school pressured you into applying). Dependent on what the guidelines when you started this, it will be a challenge.

My DD walks out at 7am and returns at 7/8pm most nights due to extra curricular. It's tough, but she's done her homework along the way most days and we eat together...but I agree it would not suit most, and she's an only child. Your DS sounds like he's going to miss his sister what ever option you take that's not his school), as she may seek her independence and force family dynamic changes regardless, and quicker than you anticipated.

Boys - her motives may be a little suspect (to you), but if she's already spent junior days in a girls only, this is perfectly logical why she'd want a change. We had the same scenario...so far, so good, and can dilute the negative aspects of girls...

Bags - the final note of caution, depending on what she does. This is mentioned a lot, but until you see the volume on certain days, (school, sports, instrument, swimming to name a few), factor this in to the travel arrangements, especially if some of it is by foot as you anticipate as she gets older.

ealingwestmum · 22/02/2016 10:35

But, from all that you've shared, she sounds like she knows her mind, is driven and will therefore make a good go of her choice school...motivation is integral to her success and hopefully as a family, you'll find ways to adjust!

bojorojo · 22/02/2016 11:41

I think once they get to 13 their interest in a closed "family life" changes anyway and they will find a wider circle of friends important to them. You will have Sundays! You cannot control they way children feel about this and they are not really a possession that you keep or indeed lose. They are a young person who is developing their own ideas and maturity to make decisions with guidance from you as parents. In fact you will probably "lose" more by not letting her go where she wants to go. When children get to secondary age, they frequently find lots of new things to do and try out. It would seem a shame to not let her do this. Also, there may be another parent who can share lifts on a Saturday morning.

I don't think the boys comment is anything to remotely get worried about! She just wishes to be taught in a co-ed school. She can see there is a different type of school out there and she wants to sample it. At 6th form my DD was very interested in swapping to a co-ed school. She didn't because not one taught her chosen A level subjects as well as a girls' school did. She had the maturity to weigh up that boys were less important than A level grades.

Gruach · 22/02/2016 12:11

bojo I've just seen your post on the day/boarding thread - think it might be rather helpful for the OP of this thread.

Luna9 · 22/02/2016 14:49

There must be valid reasons why her current school suggested this senior school for your DD. I will let her choose unless there were very valid reasons for not going there. It seems to me OP is concerned she is loosing her daughter; you should let her fly and find her own path; you will still have some family time in the evenings, Sundays and holidays together. You let your DS choose you should let your DD choose too.

Original poster

mckenzie · 23/02/2016 21:57

Hi all
I thought you might like to know the latest.
I told DD on Sunday that I could see how strongly she felt about this and that I would respect her choice (and persuade DH to do the same) and I contacted the school bus people, uniform people etc.

I guess that gave DD the confidence or something to have a rethink and she told me today that she thinks the other school would actually be the best choice.

We've got five more days before the final decision has to be made

OP posts:

ChalkHearts · 24/02/2016 06:37

Well done OP. Now she has nothing to rebel against she can make her real choice.

SevenSeconds · 24/02/2016 07:07

Brilliant! Interesting parenting lesson there.

maydancer · 24/02/2016 16:00

I guess that gave DD the confidence or something to have a rethink and she told me today that she thinks the other school would actually be the best choice.
Bollocks she only liked the first school, because she knew you wanted the other!

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