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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Do we choose a school that's right for DC or one that's right for the whole family?

80 replies

mckenzie · 21/02/2016 15:39

DD has been offered places at two schools, both of which are good and suitable and so that's great.
Problem is, DD favours one school but DH and I favour the other.
The school that DD favours is a longer school day, a longer school week and is further to travel. We think it will have a negative impact on family life and eventually therefore on the family itself.

Does DD get the final say? She is adamant that she is making the right choice for her.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 21/02/2016 16:13

Can't she get a non-school bus?

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:14

Lizs, there is only one bus back; it leaves school at 6.30 after prep, supper, an activity etc.
We would be able to collect her earlier once or twice a week perhaps although it's one heck of a round trip and I think she'd want to stay one night too. It is primarily a boarding school with a quota of day pupils.

OP posts:
Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:16

Neither school would she be able to get to on public transport unfortunately.
It's either a lift to the bus stop and school bus (DDs favourite school) or a lift all the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:18

Blueemerald, thank you. I'd read somewhere recently that girls at university who'd attended an all girls schools spent the first year studying the boys rather than their chosen subjects.

OP posts:
LIZS · 21/02/2016 16:22

So basically it is flexi boarding. She soon won't want to do that trip daily and presumably will have few local friends. Also you may find that she is very tired when she is home. Personally I'd rule it out unless she can weekly board although an hour or so each way isn't unusual travel time at secondary.

Balletgirlmum · 21/02/2016 16:25

There are a few day pupils at dds school who get taxis from school to the bus stop/train station so there are always ways around it.

Lurkedforever1 · 21/02/2016 16:43

If it's a 5 minute drive to the bus then can't she just walk it? Presuming not 5 minutes down a motorway or on dodgy country lanes when it's dark.

As to the school day, if she's happy with it I think that's good enough. At secondary age even if she went to a school round the corner for 6 hours a day you'd be 'losing' her and family time to friends etc. Besides, for all I love my dds company and doing things together, I would never want to impose my preference over her natural need to spread her wings.

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:48

Lurked, I think when she's older she can make her own way to the bus stop perhaps but she's got to be there for 7 am and she's only 11. Plus because of where her current school is, we have to take and collect her; public transport is not an option so she isn't experienced in travelling by herself at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 16:51

May I say again thank you for all the posts?

It's made me think differently about it. And at the end of the day if she goes to her first choice and it's the wrong choice, then we do something about it don't we? Ideally that won't happen but if it does, we deal with it.
Thank you.

OP posts:
AveEldon · 21/02/2016 17:04

Regarding the public transport/travelling by themselves - this is the time when they all start learning in time for Sept.

LIZS · 21/02/2016 17:08

It would take about half an hour to walk our 5 minute drive and almost everyday there are extra bags/instruments/kit. I can't even lift my 6th former's rucksack!

mary21 · 21/02/2016 17:22

Another thing to think about is homework and out of school clubs. If at the school with he longer day most homework is done at school then that might improve family life as there will be less homework strife. If she has a long day then homework vice versa. If a long day then after school clubs from home also tiring.
I assume the school with a longer day is considerably more expensive. Another consideration.
If the far/away school is mostly boarding you may find that's where she socialises rather than local friends.

BoboChic · 21/02/2016 17:32

Listen to your DD.

PerspicaciaTick · 21/02/2016 17:37

My DD has just started secondary school and I find that family life is changing in ways I had not anticipated (not necessarily bad ways, just different) because she is becoming so much more independent and her priorities are changing.

You might find that you override her choice of school, only to find that your family life isn't what you would expect either.

BoboChic · 21/02/2016 17:40

I agree with Perspicacia - my DD started secondary school in September and she is massively more independent than she was this time last year. She spends much more time at school and with her friends than before. You cannot prevent DCfrom growing up in order to cling to the family life you had when your DC were at primary school.

Trills · 21/02/2016 17:45

What school does your DS go to?

It's not the girls school, clearly, and it sounds like it's not the mixed school that your DD wants to go to either.

Any particular reason why that school is not on the list (does he go to a boys school?).

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2016 18:00

If she has Saturday school you do need to think about how it will impact on your other child-will it make it difficult to get to football training or anything? What about if she had rehearsals in the evening?

When she gets a bit older how hard will it be for her to meet her friends at weekends?

And, whatever people say on mumsnet, not all children disengage from their families when they hit secondary school! She may find missing family events difficult.

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2016 18:05

So she'll be out of the house from 7.00 to 7.30 every day?

I absolutely wouldn't do that. I think you're right about no family life. And no time for pets, or her relationship with her sibling or anything but school.

Leeds2 · 21/02/2016 18:21

I would let her go to the school of her choice, although be prepared for her to want to board on more evenings as she gets older.

I would also say that my DD went to a school with only one minibus back in the evening, leaving at 6 I think, and it did restrict what evening activities she could do unless OH or I were able to go and pick her up. Boarding schools tend to have busy evenings to keep the boarders entertained, and your DD may want to take part in these activities.

Balletgirlmum · 21/02/2016 18:56

My dd is out of the house from 7.30 am - 7.45am each day plus she has Saturday schools. It's not a life I would impose on a child but it was her choice & in her case it means that she can progress in her specialist area of interest (dance) & it's all covered at school she as at a different school she would finish at 4pm then have to travel elsewhere to dance classes.

It is hard - socially she has no friends near home & it can be hard for day students to integrate with boarders (there are various events & parties non boarders are not allowed to attend) but it's what she wants to do.

If your dd is determined there will always be a what if/you didn't let me go there if you veto the school. If it doesn't work out you can always move her.

Original poster
mckenzie · 21/02/2016 19:56

thanks for the extra posts.
Trills, DS is at the local state school. He is not statemented but on the spectrum. He chose to leave his last school and go to this school to be closer to home and to enable him to do more of the one sport which he loves and lives and breaths.

it works for him but I'm not sure how DD would get on there. We don't think it would be right for her.

OP posts:
kla73 · 21/02/2016 21:07

My view (for what its worth) is that your dd should have a say. However I don't believe that an 11 year old has the maturity to understand all the implications of the decision and therefore parents should have the final say.

Have you written lists with all the pros and cons of each school down with her input?

To me it sounds like a very long day. If you pursue the girls option have you considered ways to support your dd to have contact with boys? - scouts or other boy dominated activities for example.

Last year I was in a similar situation except state. My child was offered the local secondary (as expected and a perfectly acceptable school) but out of the blue we realised that the single sex school (better results and seen locally as highly desirable although I appreciate there is more to schools than their results) had come out a lot further than normal. We had not considered it as we wouldn't have received a place in the previous 8 years (even on wait list). We (parents, not child) decided to put dc's name on the waiting list and see what happened - they were offered a place - this was very difficult to negotiate but lots of chat and we came to a sort of agreement (more parental choice though) to go with the single sex school. Nearly a year later and they couldn't be happier there.

Good luck.

Canyouforgiveher · 22/02/2016 00:09

So she'll be out of the house from 7.00 to 7.30 every day?

At 11/12 she is a bit young for that but it really wouldn't bother me that much. My son left for school every day at 7 (by train) and in sail/cross country season often wouldn't be back until 7 or so. He would have a lot of homework done by then. We still had dinner together and spent a lot of time with him (he was 14 when he started this schedule though)

I do agree with Bertrand that while children start the move away in secondary school, most of them are still very connected to their families. In fact, having 3 teens, I would say having dinner together most nights was fairly critical to us having conversations with them/knowing what is going on/picking up on stuff by hearing what they are saying to their siblings.

The saturday school thing would bother me way more. one of the schools we looked at had saturday school and, frankly, unless we were going for boarding, I would not have done it. It is very disruptive to home life, it means no late Friday nights even for a family get together, no feeling of relief on a friday night when you all sit down with a pizza and a movie.

It is also indicative to me that this is really a boarding school (unless I am wrong and it is a 6 day day school?) and so being a day student will be outside the culture/complete experience.

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2016 06:11

And there will be loads of things her brother will be able to do that she won't- the Friday night flop- a sudden decision to eat out midweek - local events...... It would be different if her sibling was doing the same hours or she were an only child.

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 22/02/2016 06:18

So your son goes to a state school and your daughter wants to go to a fee-paying school - is that right?

But if you are thinking it would be good for her to go to your son's school then surely that will be a mixed school anyway?

Personally I think that as parents you make the decision, taking into account her preferences of course. But she is 11 after all. You know best.

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