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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

About to start Yr 9, still no friends.

64 replies

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 17:44

My dd has struggled making friends in secondary school.
She has had some health issues which have restricted her participation in certain actvities and led to long absences.
She is a bit of a square peg, not very streetwise, but really lovely.
There has been some low level bullying and the school are aware she is isolated. Other girls will hang around with her if their other friends are absent and then they dump her as soon as normal service is resumed.
She doesn't get why she has nobody to hang around with as she feels she would make a great friend. Her confidence is at rock bottom, we have had tears about going back to school and my heart is breaking for her.
Any advice you can give would be most welcome.

OP posts:

anotherbusymum14 · 22/08/2015 18:27

Can she go to another school? Or be homeschooled, just to get away from the "stuff" she faces at school. School can be tough and growing can be harder with feeling lonely or left out. My daughter has moved around a lot (countries) and is now going into year 9. She's just moved schools (last year) and actually began to enjoy school for the first time in her life. It has made a big difference. In my opinion if your daughter has had lots of absences and sickness this can put them on the outside and further away from the others. Other kids may not just "get them" too. I saw for my daughter when she found kids more like her, and who had moved around (and had an experience like her), then they found commonalities. It only takes one friend to make the difference. It can happen. I hope it works out and gets easier for your daughter :)

hackedoffnow · 22/08/2015 18:52

I am worried for my Dd too. She is about to go into yr 9 and has seen only one friend over the summer. She has tried to make friends but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. She is bright, caring, loyal, funny and pretty. She doesn't seemed that bothered and plays with her younger sister mainly. I have encouraged frienships where I invite her friends over and take them out etc but she hardly ever gets invited back.

hackedoffnow · 22/08/2015 18:53

I meant to say she has only seen a friend once.

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 18:56

I don't think another school would be an option. She is currently at an all girls' school and would hate the idea of being with boys.
I'm not sure how much I should be expecting school to help her? they are aware there are problems but don't seem to be doing much to ease them.
She told me in her IT lesson she watched as 3 girls huddled around one computer rather than share one with her and the teacher didn't pick up on this. I don't know if I'm expecting too much?
They wouldn't let her in on the end of year photo they were taking because she doesn't do Instagram.
It's a constant stream of little things like that plus overheard conversations about her being weird.

OP posts:

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 18:58

hackedoff sometimes my dd isn't bothered, but over the summer she has been quite sad about it all.

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Musidora · 22/08/2015 19:09

That sounds horrible for your dd, OP; her IT teacher should have picked up on that, it's bullying.

Could she join some after-school or weekend clubs/societies that are appropriate for her health? It wouldn't solve the in-school problem necessarily, but if she made some friends out of school it would surely boost her confidence, which a) might appeal to other girls at school, or b) might make her mind less what goes on during the school-day.

Leeds2 · 22/08/2015 19:16

Would second the idea of clubs, especially lunch time ones. Lunch time can be a very long and lonely place. Also out of school things where she may make friends. Would Guides be an option?

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 19:17

We are trying to encourage her to think about out of school actvities, unfortunately her confidence is so low, she is too scared to try anything as she feels it would be more exposure to potentially being bullied.
Her safe place is home, she goes through the motions at school and once she is through the front door of home, there is no moving her.
I know all mums say this, but she is so lovely. Really funny and kind.

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VivaLeBeaver · 22/08/2015 19:21

Dd is the same but about to start year 10. She hasn't been in touch with anyone from school over the holidays.

Thankfully she has some "internet" friends she met on a minecraft server. They can actually talk to each other via mumble software so she can hear them and they chat all day long. I know it sounds a bit odd but if it wasn't for them she would be really lonely.

I still find it sad that she doesn't have any real life friends.

Like your dd mine won't do any out of school stuff, doesn't want to change school either.

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 19:25

It's so sad isn't it Viva
My dd has had major surgery over the summer. Hasn't had so much as a phone call or card from anyone in her class.
I could cry.

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ShadowLine · 22/08/2015 19:29

Sympathies to your DD, OP.

I had big problems with friendships at secondary school too, and was very socially isolated by the end of my GCSEs.

One thing that really helped me was getting involved in out of school activities - the other kids in these didn't go to my school, so it was a fresh slate in a way, and the shared interests of the activities made it a lot easier to build friendly relationships.
It didn't change what was happening in school, but knowing that there was a place outside school and home where kids my age were friendly with me and treating me like a normal person rather than some sort of untouchable leper made a huge difference to my self confidence and ability to ignore and rise above the social problems in school.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/08/2015 19:30

A year ago she had friends but there was a stupid falling out at the beginning of year 9 where they hacked her instagram account t and read messages which dd had sent to a boy. Admittedly dd hadn't been very nice about one of the girls but this girl had been a bitch to dd and trying to isolate her from the others. Plus the messages were private.

The girls all took the other girls side and everyone now ignores dd. MLUs they spread shit round school about dd, loads of lies.

Teachers weren't interested and said they couldn't make the other girls talk to dd.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/08/2015 19:31

I'm hoping things might improve this year as she there will be a big mix up of classes due to options.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/08/2015 19:32

Carmen, is there one girl who your dd could maybe invite over? Or arrange to see a film with?

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 19:38

There really doesn't seem to be anyone. There was a brief glimmer of hope with one girl, but she was given an ultimatum by another class member, me or Carmen's dd? You can guess where that went.

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/08/2015 19:44

There is usually a lot of competitivness in school, which doesnt happen in clubs... they are also less of a clique. Seriously look into some clubs. DD had a girl join her club, she was shy and socially awkward, and DD didnt take to her straight away ... roll on 6 months and they are best buddies. Do you allow her to go to town alone (but with friends) pictures etc .. only a lot of kids cant/wont so the invites get dropped ... is this an issue?

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 19:54

She has never been invited into town. Spent some time in a wheelchair so this may have been an issue?
I think friendships are probably quite established now. She did ask if she could go into town with some girls on the last day of term but they said no.

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MadamArcatiAgain · 22/08/2015 19:58

Oh, the poor love! The only thing I can suggest is joining lots of lunchtime clubs, sothat at least she doesn't feel lonely .

bettyberry · 22/08/2015 20:01

OK, There are lots of things you could do. First is to keep encouraging those clubs. It doesn't even have to be a kids club! I know a fair few knitting and sewing groups locally when mums and daughters go along. It really might not be your thing but in terms of building up her confidence groups like this would be a fab way to start with you there. Her safety net so to speak.

Try Saturday workshops. Our local museum runs craft ones. I know its not getting her new friends but you need to introduce her to new things in a safe way and this is probably the only way to start unless someone can suggest anything else.

Book groups. There are ones for teens in some local libraries even ones aimed at parents and teens and read young adult novels and discuss them.

Try anything and everything where you can go together that isn't at home. Retreating home and staying there is probably part of the problem. Work of the confidence and self esteem and the friends should follow.

by the way, I was your daughter when younger. Bullied intensely for years (paint in my bag beaten up etc) and The one thing that helped me with my confidence issues was a drama class and a change in school. It allowed me to become me. Perhaps it might be something for her to re consider once the confidence and esteem improves.

Nevergoingtolearn · 22/08/2015 20:07

Why would she not want to be with boys?

My daughter is very similar, and tbh being in a all girls school would finish my daughter off, she only has 3 or 4 friends, all of them are boys apart from one girls who is very similar to dd1, girls can be very bitchy and they seem to pick up on differences more than boys do.

I hope returning to school isn't too hard for your dd, it's horrible having to send them in when you know they are not happy.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/08/2015 20:08

I would also second a change of schools, each school has a different ethos. Some are more caring... i moved DD2 - 5 weeks before the end of term and havent seen her most of the holidays.... she has a different friend calling most day. She had a leaving party and none of her `old friends have called, although they all came to the party. DD1 was bullied and its so painful as a parent to witness.

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 20:13

Yes, I will definitely keep trying with the clubs. Funnily enough she was in a drama group but had to leave as her health deteriorated.
Hopefully she might pick it up once she's fighting fit.
I'll check out the library too.
Lunch time clubs have been a bit hit and miss, as a couple of the girls in her class have gone along to the clubs sometimes so that they can annoy her there too.
Thanks for the advice, we shall have to be positive and hope the new academic year is a new start maybe?

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Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 20:16

She's in a selective school, half the size of the nearest local comp.
She just wouldn't move. She has said she will put up with it or be home edded.

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/08/2015 20:25

Can she change tutor group? So avoid these domineering ... mares?

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 20:31

I hadn't really thought of that Sally, I would have thought the school might have mentioned it if it was an option.
I'll follow it up if things haven't improved when she goes back.

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