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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

About to start Yr 9, still no friends.

64 replies

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 17:44

My dd has struggled making friends in secondary school.
She has had some health issues which have restricted her participation in certain actvities and led to long absences.
She is a bit of a square peg, not very streetwise, but really lovely.
There has been some low level bullying and the school are aware she is isolated. Other girls will hang around with her if their other friends are absent and then they dump her as soon as normal service is resumed.
She doesn't get why she has nobody to hang around with as she feels she would make a great friend. Her confidence is at rock bottom, we have had tears about going back to school and my heart is breaking for her.
Any advice you can give would be most welcome.

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 22/08/2015 20:41

I hope that the op went well and your daughter's health is improving.
I'm a Guide leader and I can totally see why your daughter would be concerned about joining a group where she probably thinks the girls are all best friends already, but we have lots of girls who join at all ages without a friendship group and the higher ratio of adults to kids than at school means that we are really on top of friendship stuff and spend a lot of time behind the scenes making sure that people aren't excluded. Also, once she's 14 she could be a ranger or explorer scout so she wouldn't be going into a big established group. Those groups give some girls a lot of social support.
I imagine the exact same can be said about lots of sports groups and other interest groups.
I hope this school year is a much better one. Keep on at school because this isn't right at all.
Oh and yes however biased you are, your daughter DOES sounds very lovely.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/08/2015 20:50

Its an option at the end of each year a DD school ... Def worth an ask, and ask school if there are any other lonely girls who may need a friend

Lattjo · 23/08/2015 11:25

Sorry to hear this CarmenMonoxide.

I would speak to your dd's tutor, Head of Year and/or SenCo to see if they can help with this situation. And I agree, moving tutor groups may be an option.

My eldest dc had a low level bullying situation a couple of years ago and one day actually refused to go to school. I emailed the school and it was immediately dealt with by a member of the SLT and a Welfare/Teaching Assistant.

Clavinova · 23/08/2015 11:49

Is there a reason why she doesn't want to be on Instagram? It would be an obvious way of connecting with girls from school (or out of school from clubs) when she is ill and during the holidays.

anotherbusymum14 · 23/08/2015 12:44

Definitely talk to the school. The school we were working with did try and help but I think too there were other issues going on and some things didn't get picked up or maybe the schools also just hope the kids will just sort themselves out. It's totally unfair when kids huddle around a computer and exclude one for example. And it's totally unfair but I think not uncommon for some of these kids to find a friend then have other kids offer an ultimatum. I do t know what the answers are and I wish I knew because unhappy kids is something we don't like to see as parents. Sometimes it's just the school environment. Can you talk to her about the mixed school? When I was growing up (at a girls school) there was a girl who always got picked on (she wasn't in my classes but I noticed she had few/no friends and I think the other kids just fired all their angst at her... I cannot remember exactly) but her parents moved her schools in the end and she moved to a mixed school (and not considered the better school out of the two in our area) however this girl made loads of friends and was the most popular girl by the time she finished school. Everyone wanted to be her friend. I'm not saying that will happen but it just shows that you never can tell. At some schools certain behaviors are acceptable and at others they are not. The above examples you mentioned are definitely forms of bullying (purposefully being excluded by groups of kids). So if she cannot move schools definitely have a talk with the school and get her form group or common group changed. This will mean she mixes with or has classes with a different bunch of kids. This way she may find that friend who is a whole lot more like her. Sometimes that other child is there in the school but they just haven't really had the chance to get to know each other and realize they can be great friends. It can still happen for her :)
I hope it all works out xxx

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 23/08/2015 14:44

Clavinova, she is not keen on the social media side of things in case any nastiness spills over from school.
She really doesn't want to expose herself.

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 23/08/2015 15:00

If certain girls are basically instructing other classmates not to speak to her or not to go into town with her, and hacking her social media accounts, this is bullying and needs to be dealt with. The school has not dealt properly with this at all. It is not enough to wring hands and say they can't make other girls talk to her - she is being systematically and quite harshly actively excluded from the sound of things and the school needs to intervene more and knock it on the head. I don't what what planet they are on, just ignoring it. It sounds like absolutely classic female to female bullying.

Meanwhile guides might be good, as someone else suggested.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 23/08/2015 17:38

Have you looked at ... anti bullying policy, behaviour policy and the complaints procedure?

ShadowLine · 23/08/2015 18:15

If you could find an out of school group that's separate from your DD's school - minimising the chances of any of her classmates being there - would that be better for your DD, if she's worrying about more bullying?

Or maybe even an extra-curricular class of some sort, where the focus is mainly on learning a new skill, rather than socialising and / or teamwork? That might not be as good for making new friends, but friendly interactions during a class might build her confidence up enough to try a more social type of group?

ppandj · 23/08/2015 18:32

I second what bettyberry said about going to extra-curricular clubs/doing activities together. She may come out of her shell a bit with some moral support rather than starting something new on her own? I'm not sure whether this is an option, based on health, but could you go to a gym together and do classes like body combat or Zumba that can help to relieve stress and build her confidence? They always offer a light option and some gyms do teen membership. Just an idea and like I say it may not be suitable.

Also starting her options may build her confidence and let her mingle with people she didn't before.

I do hope things improve, it sounds really hard. If it's any consolation my sister was very much the outsider at secondary school and then went to a different sixth form where she met a whole group of lovely, likeminded girls and they are all still in touch years later! It only takes a small change xx

Lattjo · 23/08/2015 19:54

I agree with you re not going down the social meida line - bullying can be exacerbated there, and being left out/ignored is just as bad.

I really would urge you to look at the school's anti-bullying policy as well speaking to/emailing your dd's tutor/HOY/SenCo.

It won't be resolved overnight but the children who were carrying out low level bullying to my child got the shock of their lives when they were called out of class for a meeting to discuss the situation.

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 08/09/2015 10:59

Well it's just going bloody swimmingly.
She forgot her lunch yesterday and nobody would give her anything to eat.
Then she went to sit next to someone in class and they moved away.
She still managed to go to school today with a smile on her face.

OP posts:

anothermakesthree · 08/09/2015 11:14

Do you not think that perhaps this needs escalating with the school. Maybe I'm wrong, but moving away from somebody who sits next to you, just to isolate them is v nasty. I think after all you have said, I would now be making an appointment with her head of year?

BoffinMum · 08/09/2015 11:14

Right, this is nasty stuff.

If it was me I would be right in there kicking up a stink. And I am one of those parents who prefers to let kids fight their own battles as far as possible.

She will get no further socially with this group unless they get a complete rocket from the staff for being cliquey. The ringleader (and there will be one) needs to be managed out of the situation, if not the school.

BoffinMum · 08/09/2015 11:16

This stuff is deeply toxic and leaves more scars that the obvious bullying that boys do where they bash each other about. I cannot believe the school hasn't noticed what is going on already. Frankly you wonder if the staff bully each other as well.

BoffinMum · 08/09/2015 11:16

I am deeply angry on your DD's behalf, actually.

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 08/09/2015 11:25

I have met with year head and head teacher.
They are aware she is isolated and asked me to provide them with some names of girls she likes so that they could perhaps engineer that she sat with them in class.
Most of her classes are now quite mixed, so she isn't just with her form group.
She is going to a club this lunch time, so I'm hoping things may improve.
It's funny (or not) you talking about bullying staff, last year her English teacher made one of the girls cry and then said "well that's my job done for the day"
Dh just wants to run in and bring her home, but we are only 3 days in.

OP posts:

anotherbusymum14 · 08/09/2015 20:21

Nooo! That is not ok for your daughter. Gee, I get so mad hearing about kids doing this to each other. I'm sorry this is happening to her. Bless her heart that she goes in smiling, still that is not ok for her. I would talk to the school until an answer is found. She needs to be with kids that accept her and allow to be her, without making her day miserable. I just remember my daughter being in tears because the girls would run away from her to get away from her. They can be so mean. I'm sorry this is happening.

Pushka2 · 08/09/2015 23:38

Ahhh, that's absolutely awful CarmenMonoxide and definitely needs escalating as it is bullying. Social isolation is a form of bullying and needs to be dealt with swiftly. The school should take this very seriously.

Your poor DD - what a brave brave girl still going to school.

BoffinMum · 09/09/2015 11:03

The school is wrong and about to make things worse.

The girls who refused to sit near her need calling in and telling in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable in their school. Likewise it is not acceptable to leave a classmate to go hungry and not share. They need to be told that if the school gets wind of it ever happening again, to anyone, then they will be excluded.

Anotherusername1 · 09/09/2015 13:52

I also think some of the problem could be that it's an all girls school. Girls can be soo bitchy. Y9 is your last chance to change schools before GCSEs start so it's definitely worth considering if there are any options near you. You say she doesn't want to move but maybe explore that a bit more?

I also second clubs etc. Do you have a local parkrun? You can walk it to start with, it's a great way of making friends, people are very friendly and will chat especially if you go off for coffee after the run/walk. All ages take part.

My ds is in year 8 and is also a bit of a round peg in a square hole. He does not seem to be unhappy but also did not see any school friends during the summer. He goes to scouts, and likes the people in his swimming group so that is good. He also does athletics but concentrates on a discipline that is more female-dominated so he hasn't really made any friends there, I am thinking of suggesting he does running as well so he gets to meet more boys of his own age.

Also do you do any outside activities where you meet people who might have children her age who you might be able to connect her with? Even if you just all meet up for coffee at your house and they might hang out a bit and find they get on? OK it sounds a bit like match-making but you need to consider all strategies to meet people.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/09/2015 14:04

There is likely to be a few girls in your DDs position, even in small schools you get a couple of students who don't quite fit in. Could you ask if your form tutor could recommend a 'friend' for her? There can't be 100 nasty girls in the school, there must be some with a strong enough character to ignore the few that are, and befriend her? Or at least, that are also feeling isolated, and they can buddy up together?

Sadik · 09/09/2015 16:17

Another voice to say maybe a larger mixed school might be just what your dd needs. My dd has just started year 9, although she probably wouldn't admit to any of the boys being her friends (!), she sits with a boy from up the road on the bus, plays werewolf at lunchtime with a geeky group that is probably 80% boys, you get the picture.

Sadik · 09/09/2015 16:18

(Should say, werewolf seems to be round here what D&D was back when I was a teen . . . they're not actually running around eating people )

pilates · 09/09/2015 16:30

Agree with others, a larger mixed sec school would probably be better.

Could she do a taster day to see how she gets on?

I would be worried leaving her in the current school environment.

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