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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

About to start Yr 9, still no friends.

64 replies

CarmenMonoxide · 22/08/2015 17:44

My dd has struggled making friends in secondary school.
She has had some health issues which have restricted her participation in certain actvities and led to long absences.
She is a bit of a square peg, not very streetwise, but really lovely.
There has been some low level bullying and the school are aware she is isolated. Other girls will hang around with her if their other friends are absent and then they dump her as soon as normal service is resumed.
She doesn't get why she has nobody to hang around with as she feels she would make a great friend. Her confidence is at rock bottom, we have had tears about going back to school and my heart is breaking for her.
Any advice you can give would be most welcome.

OP posts:

BobbinThreadbare · 09/09/2015 16:40

Carmen, your DD's experience sounds like mine at school. Unless someone wanted to copy my work, I was treated like shit. My mum did nothing and I never said anything to any teachers so I didn't make my treatment worse. It was an all girls' school. I didn't smell, I wasn't rude, mean, or bitchy, but still no friends.

The best thing I did was move schools (not till 6th form, mind). I got on with boys as friends a lot better; they're a lot less mean and don't ostracise for some imagined flaws or slights.

OP, please tell your DD that things will get better. I did have some friends through Guides, which helped.

ExitPursuedByABear · 09/09/2015 16:48

Your poor DD. Mine has had a rocky start in Y11 due to friendship issues. Girls can be such cows.

maybebabybee · 09/09/2015 16:56

Gosh teenage girls can be such bitches.

Honestly I know you said your DD does not want to move but my experience of schools is that much less bitching goes on in mixed sex schools. When I was a teenager a lot of my friends were boys.

Your poor DD

Witchend · 10/09/2015 12:41

I've got a dd in year 10 who doesn't sound dissimilar.
She went knowing almost no one and certainly no one she regarded as friends. It's a fairly standard mixed comp.

She got taken under the wing of a lovely girl for a time. Unfortunately lovely girl had a no-so-lovely best friend from the old school who was happy for them to be friends but when they started doing things together reacted very badly. Lovely girl moved away part way through year 8 unfortunately too.

But having described herself as "going round with a group who put up with me" at the beginning of year 9, over this summer she got onto a group text messaging set from one of her classes and has been texting them-and they've been texting her too.
This year she's referred to a couple of people as "My friends", so I'm hopeful that she now has a crowd she's accepted by.

And this does fit in with an older girl's description of secondary. She said she didn't have friends at school until year 9 when they started to set for things (and drop subjects they don't like) and she was mixing more with the rest of the year, and in year 10 she made strong friendships.

Witchend · 10/09/2015 12:46

Oh and I wouldn't say don't go for Guides, but here they go up when they're 14yo, and most leave before year 9, so I'm not sure it would be the best extra curricular activity to do.
What about sea scouts or something a bit different?

Original poster

CarmenMonoxide · 18/09/2015 13:08

We have had a couple of 'ok' days where she has been sitting with somebody nice. She has been to gardening club and RS group (Are you getting the picture of what she is like? )
I have however e-mailed asking to see form tutor though as she had another incident in class where a girl told everyone to move up a space in order that there was a gap between her and my dd.
My dh feels that life is too short and I think he just wants to take her out. He said no amount of discussions with the year head will make girls like our dd.
I think we may have lost all perspective though, she is an only and as I mentioned she has been ill. This time last year she was in a wheelchair and facing the possibility of permanent paralysis. Thank god it hasn't happened.
Dh doesn't want anymore of her childhood blighted by misery at school.
I can't see the wood for the trees, I don't want her elbowed out of a school she earned a place at because of some bitchy 13 year olds. She refuses to go anywhere else but is obviously not happy.
Not looking for any more ideas as you have all been very helpful, but I do need to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

jonicomelately · 18/09/2015 13:16

Children hardly ever want to move schools even though they are unhappy. I know you're not looking for more opinions but just move her. She'll thank you when she's older. I think all girls schools can be hellish. She may have a picture of all boys being rough and tumble and confident but in reality this isn't the case. Your dd may even find a new best friend who is a boy...

Witchend · 18/09/2015 14:08

CarmenI think my dd1 (year 10) would get on very well with yours. That's just the sort of thing she would like to join.

I think I disagree with your dh for now.
I think I'd pick out "little" incidents like that to show how she is generally treated. It's things like that that really are difficult to deal with though because if asked the girls will probably say something like "oh the seat was wet/dirty/in the sun/some other made up excuse" as to why they didn't want to sit there. Not that anyone will believe them, but it's hard to do something then.

I think I'd take a week and get her to write down all incidents like that. Who she sat with at lunch, anything said etc. and present it to head of year, and see the response. If the response is anything other than total sympathy and action, then take her out.

Dd1 actually has always had boys she gets on with. It helps that she's very good at maths and science, but they're not rough and tumble lads. More sit and discuss avidly a maths' problem (or complain about the maths' teacher!). They set them into single sex groups last year as an experiment, and she hated it-but actually several of the lads said to her they missed her in the lesson too. They campaigned to get back together this year and they have listened.

Could you squeeze fees for private? Not that I'm saying no state school will cope, but you can choose a small school that much more an eye can be kept on her, and her confidence and grow.
Dm taught at a very small (50 children in whole school 5-16yo) for which there were always a number of pupils who hadn't coped with the size of a bigger school. they usually came for a couple of years, confidence grew and they went back to the (different) big schools and had no problems.

jonicomelately · 18/09/2015 14:15

Writing a diary is such a good idea. There may not be anything that in violation would sound very serious, but the OP's dd may be suffering death by a thousand cuts type of bullying.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/09/2015 14:20

I do wonder why the hell parents arent talking to their kids about these things. No you dont ignore/snigger/bitch about anyone because the only person it reflects badly on is them..... I would not be impressed if my kids were like this.

Dismalfuckers · 18/09/2015 14:34

Sallyhasleftthebuilding, it may well be because the mothers are the same. I was told a story as a humourous anecdote by one such mother (a doctor!) about her daughter and friends sneaking to the cinema to avoid having to take a supposed friend who suffers from panic attacks ("attention seeking")??

It was very depressing and showed me things from the other side. My dd is also friendless and struggles badly socially, no one will help her.

Wish there was a magic answer for all of them....

Dismalfuckers · 18/09/2015 14:36

That was meant to be a sad face not a passive aggressive double question mark

guineapigpie · 18/09/2015 17:10

I can't help thinking that the only reason your dd could possibly be refusing to leave that school is that her self esteem has reached such a low point that she doesn't believe things could be any better anywhere else. Why does she have so much against going to a school with boys in it? The bullying she is at the receiving end of is classic girl-on-girl bitchiness and exclusion, from which there can be no respite once it takes hold in an all-girls' school. Also, I disagree with those who think that a smaller school would be better. The atmosphere of a school has nothing whatsoever to do with its size and everything to do with its ethos. At least a larger school means more people from among whom to find a soul mate. Why not at least look at other schools? You don't have to move her if the only alternatives appear to be even worse at pastoral care than her current one.

anotherbusymum14 · 18/09/2015 19:29

^ that's a really good point. When our kids hit a low like this they think it will only be the same or worse elsewhere. It takes a while for this belief to undo but a change of school can and will this.

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