Help Please - DS horrified at school choice.

[Roanus214]

Would love some help and advice ...DS has been given a secondary place at our local school and will receive free transport which means he can be independent. But all his friends are going to a different school. He is really struggling with this - tears, tantrums and saying he will refuse to go to school etc etc. For him it feels like the end of the world.
The school where his friends are going does have space but there is no public transport which would mean we would have to drive him to and from school (20 mins) and pick up time is a problem ... but we can probably just do it. So my question is do we move him? How important is the confidence that friends and happiness will bring? My heart says move him and my head says it will all work out if we stay with what we have. What do I do?

Could you wait until after transition day? I'm guessing they'll do one as most secondaries do. So if they do he'll get to spend a day there in the summer term. Then just keep your fingers crossed that he meets someone new who he likes and has fun!

What is your feeling about the schools themselves? Why did all his friends' families choose the one with no transport?

If the other school is far more likely to offer a better quality beduction and has other advantages, I would look at whether you could do lift shares with other parents - since all his friends are going there?

But if to prefer this school, encourage him to go to the transition or induction day, maybe see if you know anyone else locally who is going to that school.

They do settle down quickly, and he will be OK...but I would explore why everyone else chose the other school.

Were you aware that he would not be attending school with his friends? Why has everyone else (presumably from his primary) chosen the other school? How are they all getting there fi there is not transport? Are they car-pooling? Could you join in with that so you are not driving there every day?

Best bit of advice I had was not to choose a secondary school on the basis of yr6 friendships.

The question as PP have said is why are his friends all going to another school? If you think the catchment school is better for your DS and the free transport an additional bonus then you will have to tough it out and hope he is a bit more positive after the transition day(s). Most high schools now are sensitive to pupils moving up without a cohort from a feeder primary school.

I will consider his opinion and send him where he wants to go; specially if there is a space. I know of a child who was moved to a different primary school, a much better one to the one he used to go; he was very unhappy as he missed his all friends; for dome kids this is very important and the main thing is to have a happy child not a resentful one.

Send him to the best school. I would base this on results, pupil cohort, ofsted, reputation and the general feel of the school.

From my own recent experiences:

I really would not underestimate the importance of being able to get to school independently at secondary. You REALLY won't want to be doing a twice daily commute yourself and I strongly think that independent travel is a huge part of the learning experience at secondary. Plus they all make loads of friends on the bus/train/whatever.

I really would not overestimate that importance of "where your mates are going". We were v pleased that one of DS's nicest friends was going to the same secondary. Pffft - I think they have hardly spoken to each other since. I would be well pissed off if it had ever factored into our choice.

Even though our dd moved to senior school with a large cohort of her yr 6 friends, her friendship group quickly changed immediately... and has changed again since September as she's settled into her chosen clubs and activities. It seems like the end of the world to him now but it will be an insignificant point after 6 months at his new school. You need to buoy him up and send him in in a positive frame of mind ready to make the most of his new opportunities.

Many thanks for all your posts and advice.

Both schools are equally as good. We live in a rural area and his primary school is in the catchment area for the other school which is why his friends are going there. We have been doing the drive for the last 5 years both for school and socially - his sports clubs are all in that town as well - it's just our house that is in the wrong place!

I like the idea of waiting until after the induction day in June although there may not be a space at that point.

Luna9 - thank you for saying what is in my heart. I think the resentment may cause him problems.

AGHHHHH!!! Still undecided!

If both are equally good but the other is the catchment, why did you choose the one you did?

I do think at secondary, if results are the same for both, they should have some say. It's them that have to be there all day.

If the schools are equally as good I would send him where HE wants to go. Could he cycle to and from school? I went to a different secondary school in another town to my friends and I think it damaged my self esteem a lot. My school work suffered massively as a result too.
Sept is a long way off yet and I wouldn't want my DS to be anxious through the summer.

Do check that they do a transition day, though - not all secondaries do. My DS's doesn't (though I think they should).

It's hard having your mates go somewhere else, but that's school life - and he might find his teenage years much easier with a pool of mates who are much more local. In the meantime, he can skype them all the time like my DS does!

Is it worth checking if any of his mates have regular extra-curricular stuff - Saturday football, weekday scouts, music lessons, whatever - that you can get your DS signed up pronto to do, too? That might help reassure him that he can keep in touch if he wants to.

Thanks again for all your comments. It has really helped seeing both sides.

catchingzzzeds - Your comment has really helped - Sept is a long way off and I really don't want him to be anxious all summer. I also think being "different" to his friends could have a really negative impact.

I also agree that he should have a say in where he goes so following a family discussion last night we have agreed to try and change his allocated school.

I am sure there will be times we will regret our decision to be responsible for the commute but I also think we need to show that we listen to him and remove any negative barriers towards school and the transition.

Thanks again for all your help.

If the schools are equal, then I'd send him where he wanted to go. There's obviously limits to this - if it was physically/practically/logistcally/financially impossible then that's another thing, but if the schools are equal and I could send him where he wanted to go then I would.

Agree with cathcingzedds though - if he will be local to children at the school he has a place in, in the long run this may well be more important as it will facilitate socialising after school,

It's 20 minutes not an hour and 20 minutes. If you don't drive him, is there any way he can get home on public transport in a term or three. If he's a long way from his friends with no public transport, how is this going to work when he is 14/15 and wants to go out independently?

My ds went to a school where he knew no one. He was the only one from his primary to attend this school.

He drives on bus for 1 hour each day to attend this school.

Yes he was nervous Yes he worried about making friends

However now towards end of year 8 he has a good lot of friends loving school and has also made friends on the bus (both boys going to his school and boys& girls going to other schools in same town he goes to)

He now says he doesnt get what he was worried about.

Personally I would not change a school over year 6 friendships. DS 2 best friends from primary went to 2 different schools teh 3 of them are still close and often meet up. Despite one going to School A one to School B and one to school C.

As a child I attended 7 different schools across 2 continents. I was (almost) always upset to leave my school and my friends, but while my parents were sympathetic, they didn't let it affect their decisions when we moved.

Now, looking back, I'm glad of all the changes. It made me a more adaptable, more resilient person. It gave me the chance to meet a huge number of people, and the confidence to jump into new situations knowing that I would be able to cope.

Make the decision you think will be best for his future and your family. If your DS is truly truly unhappy 6 months or a year into it, there is always something that can be done. Be supportive, be sympathetic, be there to listen to his fears and worries, but ultimately have confidence in him. Kids can be stronger than you realize.