Starting Year 13 (number 4!)

[Mindgone]

I just thought I'd get us started up again!

He has no Plan B I suggested applying for apprenticeships recently and he turned his nose up at that because 'the pay isn't enough'

He is quite immature (July baby) and yet in some ways can be very mature;
he's been cushioned and cossetted (by DH - whose family tend to put DC on a pedestal, so DH does the same) and it's payback time now, isn't it? I'm the disciplinarian which is horrible, 'cause it's always me nagging at him, although DH does tell him he needs to be working too.

It is just so bloody exhausting. I feel like jacking it all in and driving off into the sunset, leaving them all to it.

He needs one almighty kick up the backside, but SS would prob have something to say about that, wouldn't they?!!

Thank you for the flowers!

All I can suggest and again, sorry, because I have no doubt you have tried, is really really trying to get through to him that if he doesn't get the grades for university he has to have a plan B, which may well "not pay enough". Ie life isn't just going to carry on in a cosy way, and it's his choice. I'm so sorry Horsemad I'm not really helping am I . I am feeling frustrated for you - would it help if I came and delivered said (metaphorical) kick - then SS don't need to get involved .

Hocus, I'll PM my address!!

Thanks for making me smile; thank God for this thread.

It's his inability to see that hard work pays off I can't comprehend. DH has a Masters and a fab job so DS must surely know he has to apply himself to get a job that pays really well.

He is just out and out lazy. Says he wants to go to uni, but clearly doesn't want to go THAT much...

horsemad I have 1 child who is now 24yrs old like yours is intelligent but my dd had rubbish worth ethics and most annoyingly doesn't like being told what to do even though it's the people that are doing the negging that are truly the ones who actually care. She had super gsce grades but at 6th form didn't switch up a gear socialising was more important aswell as being agony aunt to all her friends with BF problems 24/7 she didn't have time or the mood to do all the work at AS got DEEE she cried her eyes out we didn't sympathise as to us "you reap what you sow", we let her learn the hard way, no pain no gain looking back we were harsh but this child was very spoilt she had the term what we use in our house "princess syndrome" wants this and that but don't see the need to earn it and saw everything as an entitlement. She dropped out of A2 as she would have to resit so many modules and she was far far behind to be able to achieve any meaningful grades. Reality set in when all her friends went to uni enjoying it moving on and had aspirations in life, it was at that point she turned a corner don't know wether is was the embarrassment/dissapointment she felt it was all her own doing, she found a job stuck it out for a year then went into self employment, we supported her with this direction as she hated being told what to do so we felt maybe this was more her as she needed to be in control. It's been 3 years and shes doing very well and has found her direction. With this particular dd we knew deep down she would never have been successful at uni and she knew it too she just didn't have the drive and motivation as she wanted to do everything her way And on her terms. Horsemad I think you DS still has time to turn things around things aren't too late like it was with my dd with university, if he's too stubborn to see then maybe going through the cruel to be kind route is all you can do you've tried your best don't beat yourself up it isn't your fault he is where he is. Maybe he's one of those that has to learn the hard way oneday he will thank you for kicking him up the backside. Good luck hope he sees sense and not have to go round the long route. Sorry this is long post.

One of my brothers was like this - irritatingly bright, didn't work and left school at 16 (because all his friends left )

Something seemed to click in his 20's and he now has a really good job & an amazing work ethic.

horsemad, I really feel for you. I think polkadotty may be right - at some point you will have to let him reap what he sows. You've supported your son to the hilt (12 open days! ), you've nagged, you've tried to make him see reality - now it's over to him.

I was feeling this way about DD this time last year, when she got Ds and Es in her AS mocks. Things are looking brighter for her this year, but she is by no means guaranteed to get the grades that she needs (firm ABB, insurance BBB). In one way I'm grateful that we had such a horrible time last year, because it made me face up to the fact that we needed a Plan B and even a Plan C, and if things don't pan out on 14th August, I'm ready.

In any case, your DS is a bright boy and the likelihood is that he will sort himself out sooner or later, even if the path he takes is not the one we all favour, the one that leads from stellar A levels to a great university to a lucrative job.

It's a good idea to mention apprenticeships. Maybe you should also mention what proportion of his measly pay you will expect from him for household expenses? It might open his eyes to the fact that as an adult he is expected to earn his keep. (I know many people don't approve of this - there's a thread on it elsewhere!)

Thanks polka & muffin. Yep, he really is going to have to learn the hard way isn't he?

I kind of DO feel responsible though, as I've allowed myself to be browbeaten by DH & inlaws and allowed them to overindulge him, so he's never had to 'earn' anything. I could kick myself really.

I told him a while back that if he doesn't go to uni he will have to get a job and pay keep. I do very firmly agree with kids paying keep! I had to when I lived at home and both mine will have to.

Horsemad and Mumslife

I posted this on the Oxbridge thread re waiting for exam results, after saying I just wanted to escape somewhere until this whole stressful time is over.

"Welcome to the remote Scottish isle whilst we wait for any remaining offers and exam results. The bothy (NotDunWorryin') is swept , fire lit , beds made up and comfy chairs plumped , larder full of provisions (including copious and and midge repellant). I am settling in until August. "

As you are both having a bit of a tough time I have given you both rooms with a sea view, and have put a nice sauvignon in the fridge. I know I can't help but sincere wishes that things improve for you both soon. Mumslife, that referral does sound like a good idea if the glasses haven't fixed the problem.

Horsemad I too think it might be time to take a step back but could you get your dh on board? It will really help if you can form a united front and tell ds, together, that as he will be an adult this year, he can make his own decisions but as of 1st September, if he is not at uni he will be expected to either pay rent or move out.

It might be enough to make him buckle down and, if not, there is nothing wrong with him getting a job and paying his way. He can still have his summer trip, regardless of his results and it's up to him to organise himself when he gets back.

How do you think that will work, worth a shot?

How about this Hocus? I think the price on request and advert about offshore banks might be a bad sign.....
www.privateislandsonline.com/islands/island-of-linga

you know you have cracked when you investigate possible ways to acquire Scottish island

Horsemad, I would intervene one last time to contact either the Head of 6th Form or his form tutor. See if they would be happy to have a meeting with you, your ds & dh to discuss this, ensure he knows what he needs to do to close the gaps etc. And see if school can do more to make him go to the extra classes.

I remember when I was this age really getting fed up with the constant revision and study. It can seem endless. But I agree you need to be very clear what his limited options will be in Sept if he misses his grades.

And FWIW, just because someone has a degree doesn't necessarily mean they are very clever. And just because they don't doesn't mean they are not!

Littleham, that looks perfect. If it weren't for the small matter of helping DS through university my blank cheque would be in the post. I particularly like the idea of a storage shed with reception area (whatever that is!).

Oh dear poor you Horsemad it must be so frustrating to see your DS making life difficult for himself.

I have two older DCs so I know of plenty of their friends and acquaintances who had hiccups along the way and it all worked out in the end even if it required a change of the original plan.

Oh and don't blame yourself - all 3 of mine had different levels of self motivation during A levels ranging from being very hardworking to actually needing to be tied to a chair before they would do any revision (well I didn't tie her to the chair but was sorely tempted)

Hello everyone, thank you all for your replies. I managed to chat to DH before DS arrived home; he agrees that DS really needs to apply himself and has talked to him this evening.

DS is blaming the school and says almost the whole year has done badly, including a girl who I know is not a slacker, not sure what's gone on there, but she's in two of DS' s classes and her marks were virtually identical to his

I know he hasn't worked anything like hard enough and will need a miracle to get his required grades.
I've said my piece to him and it's now upto him what he does.

mumslife, I'm glad the opticians are requesting a referral for your DD; it must be horrible for her, I hope she is seen soon.

Hocus, a Scottish isle sounds perfect right now!

Horsemad you must be beyond frustrated. I don't have a DC in Y13 but
stalk keep an eye on this thread to see what delights are to come next year (DD is in Year 12).

I think I may have been a bit like your DS when I was his age. Was supposed to be trying for Oxbridge but bailed out because it was 'too much like hard work' (looking back I think I was afraid of failing), got an offer from Durham and missed it. Offer was BBC (shows how old I am!) and I got AAE-found to my cost that French can't be crammed at the last minute if you've done bugger all for 2 years. I ended up taking an extra A Level in a year and went to university a year later. It was a hard but necessary lesson.

Please don't blame yourself for your son's results. My parents and teachers tried everything with me and it made no difference. It had to come from me and I just couldn't/wouldn't put the work in. Fwiw I did really well when I eventually did go to university and built a successful and enjoyable career afterwards. I met some fantastic people there who are still close friends now and met my DH at my first job. I look back and think that I wouldn't know any of them if things had gone right the first time round so although I am aware of how stupid I was to risk everything by not putting the work in, I can't regret it.

I think Decorhate is right, it may be worth one last push. But then for your own sanity you should step back and let your DS decide for himself if he's willing to do the work. When you think about it, you blaming yourself is as daft as someone else taking the credit for having a DC with a great work ethic. Any parent knows it just doesn't work like that!

Sorry for the essay-I shall now slink back to the Year 12 thread!

Thanks Marni, you are right of course - it has to come from him. I know that in a few years this will all seem like a huge fuss and it won't matter.

I have contacted a tutor for Chemistry and will see if he can fit us in - the money saved by DS passing his driving test will pay for the tutor!!

After that, I'm letting go of the whole thing I have told DS this and I shall let him get on with it.

Do you know, I'd rather have 10 babies than go through Yr 13....

I agree Horsemad yr 13 is a form of torture - thank goodness that DS is my last one!

Hi Horsemad, just catching up with this now. FWIW, I think you have made the right decision to step back a bit, for your own sanity! I also agree with looking into tutors for some extra help, they can make an enormous difference. I think it is bring back able. Out of interest, what did he get for his ASs? Does he have resits on top?
If I were you, I would privately look into a plan B, and find out about local sixth form colleges and resits, and find out which unis that do his course will accept resits. At least you would have a plan if it goes belly up in August.
I imagine though, that with your son being a bright boy, that he will pull his finger out, and get the grades, and you will have a few more grey hairs at the end of it all, and have him saying 'I told you I could do it!'

Mumslife, I hope your DD gets sorted out soon, it's been way too long!

mumslife - sorry your dd is still going with the headaches. My dd is still having them, too. I thought we had solved it with the glasses and they do help to an extent but she is still having the headaches. She has had the lenses adjusted on her glasses once already and we kept thinking perhaps she is just adjusting to the new lenses. Now don't know whether to take her to the doctors or back to the opticians - aaargh!

Horsemad I feel for you - that must be incredibly frustrating. It does seem that he may have to learn the hard way but that must be very difficult for you to watch. However, I did appallingly in my history mock and it gave me the necessary kick to apply myself and went on to do history at university. There is still hope.