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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Lazy child

16 replies

colacola · 21/12/2014 07:32

I have one DD she moved school in September to a very selective indie. Since joining she has totally changed. We had a great relationship before she moved school but now she stays in her bedroom all night and we only see her for dinner.
She is very clever but very lazy. She got all A* and As at GCSE with very little revision and now I have had her grades for the first term of AS, ABBB.
Although her grades are ok she could do so much better but she only does the minimum requirement.

Its taken her two days and two nights to write up a English Essay that should have been handed in before the end of term. Shes not even started revision for her mocks in Jan.

Yesterday we had a long chat where she told me that she only wants to go to Uni because its fun. She doesn't want a job either. She doesn't have any hobbies, shes not interested in her driving lessons or learning her theory.
All she cares about is her social life and going to parties.

Shes constantly on her phone even when we were chatting yesterday she was messaging her friends while I was talking to her, rude.

How can I make her change ?

OP posts:

cece · 21/12/2014 07:42

It sounds like she is bored/not interested in doing the work. Did she chose the school/courses or did you?

Original poster

colacola · 21/12/2014 07:47

She chose her options based on "what looks good" Maths, Further maths, Eng Lit and economics. I told her to study the subjects she enjoys/is good at, she didn't listen.

I think she only really likes English because she finds it easy. She now hates maths and is not particularly fond of economics despite originally wanting to study economics at LSE.

OP posts:

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/12/2014 08:07

Did she choose the school? Did she want to move? Does she like her new school? Does she have any friends there? Sorry for the 20 questions but it sounds like she might be unhappy. AS level is quite a difficult year, it's a big change from GCSE's and obviously an even bigger one if you've moved schools too. She may just be feeling unmotivated.

titchy · 21/12/2014 08:20

She doesn't HAVE to learn to drive. She doesn't HAVE to get a job. She doesn't HAVE to have any hobbies. She is having a great social life - good, if you can't party your arse off age 17 when can you! Despite all that, at the very beginning of her AS year she is still getting really good grades - they ARE good, please recognise that and praise her.
It sounds a bit like you have this image of the perfect 6th form student and she isn't living up to it. Maybe back off for a bit. Your relationship is more important.

LIZS · 21/12/2014 08:21

I'm not sure you can read much into the grades per se. The effort/attainment at a selective independent will be quantified differently . ds stayed on at his and has a similar mix of grades. I'd expect these to go up during the year. At least it sounds as if she has settled and there is 6 months yet to AS.

Eastpoint · 21/12/2014 08:27

She has had a lot to deal with in the last 3 months - new teachers in every subject, new friends/enemies, much harder work. Why not go easy on her? She's clearly bright, let her enjoy the break.

Original poster

colacola · 21/12/2014 08:33

Yes, she chose the school. She went from a all girls school to a mixed school. The children are really nice and she has a good group of friends. She is happier than shes ever been and I think this is the problem, her social life is taking over.
Ex DH is also part of the problem. He brought her a brand new BMW for her birthday and gives her £100 per week allowance.
She is lacking motivation to make her own way in life because her Dad will give her anything she wants.
He gives with one hand and takes with another. If she does something wrong he takes her phone or bank card. Ive told her to work hard so shes not reliant on anyone but its not sinking in.

OP posts:

Eastpoint · 21/12/2014 08:50

That makes things harder (car) as it's in your face that she isn't learning to drive. What a pity he didn't wait till she'd passed her test, but I guess he wanted to do the grand gesture. My DS is the same age (still 16 though) and stayed at the same school, she has said she thinks it would be hard to come into established social groups, I think there are about 15 new girls in her year. Do you restrict how often she goes out? Dd isn't allowed out both nights at the weekend unless there is something exceptional & doesn't go out in the week. She spends most of her time in her room too, I tell myself she are breaking away from us as she grows up.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/12/2014 09:16

In my experience, early AS grades are often lower than expected. It's a big jump from GCSE and a different way of learning. I really wouldn't worry too much about the grades at the moment, or the fact that she just wants to party and see friends. She's young, she's allowed . The car/allowance thing is more concerning. Sounds like she has little incentive to work hard! FWIW I worked all day every Saturday and Sunday in a sports shop when I was doing my AS levels as my parents divorced and I had very little allowance. I know it's very difficult to get a part time job nowadays but they are good for teaching a work ethic and for curtailing the partying a bit! Are you on civil terms with your ex?

mothermirth · 21/12/2014 09:24

£100 pw did you mean per month OP? even that's a huge amount

Echo the PPs - she has very little incentive to work. Feel for you - it's a difficult problem. Hopefully if she doesn't get the results she's hoping for in her mocks that might spur her on?

claraschu · 21/12/2014 09:38

You say: "She is happier than shes ever been and I think this is the problem". I'm sure you want her to be happy above anything else, so don't see this as a problem. It's great that she can change schools, cope with the work and make new friends!

I know that it is hard to see an academic child not working hard, but she will find her way eventually. It is not a race, though with the exam system, it seems like that, sometimes.

I would try to get her to talk and open up about her interests, but this might take time. She might be struggling a bit with the maths, as it can be hard, or she might just not be that interested. Slowly, she will need to figure out what she wants to focus on, but one of the problems of the British system is that it forces children to make these choices when they are very young. Some people take longer to know what they want to study.

She is enjoying the new freedom of 6th form, and the change to a coeducational environment, and she is still doing well in her work!

Quitethewoodsman · 21/12/2014 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooHasty · 21/12/2014 20:20

The problem is that your ex has made her spoiled and immature.She has always had everything on a plate.

emeline · 21/12/2014 20:24

Those are extremely good grades, for the first term of doing AS, in tough subjects!

Most teenagers go through an apathetic rebellion stage. It's normal!

ladygrinningsoul · 21/12/2014 22:49

Your ex DH bought her a brand new BMW but she isn't interested in learning to drive it? Sounds like there are some issues there....

Original poster

colacola · 22/12/2014 08:28

Ive taken on board all the comments. I spoke to EX yesterday and we have agreed to parent DD together rather than him do whatever he likes.

DD has also been encouraged to get a Saturday job as her allowance has been cut to £ 100 a month.

I have also apologised to DD for saying her grades were not good enough. I think I was comparing them to GCSE style grades not taking into consideration how much harder A levels are.

Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:

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