Headmistress attacks parents in national press

[UpsetofWestLondon]

Done first ever name change for this as don't want to be identifiable!

I am really, really pissed off. The High Mistress of St Paul's Girls' School, where I am a parent, has been widely quoted in the national press this weekend criticising parents at SPGS. I fully realise she may have been quoted out of context, but the quotes seem to apply to all parents at her school and the one that cuts to the quick is where she accuses parents of "affluent neglect" by not paying enough attention to their daughters in the evening.

I should say my DD is very happy at the school, does lots of things well and lots of things not very well but enjoys them so that's great. I adore spending time with her and the only reason I don't spend as much as I would like in the evenings is because of the extraordinary volume of homework she gets set by the school (and obviously the time she needs to spend on Facebook etc!).

I am glad Ms Farr is pro-children, and this is not the first time she has criticised the parent body, but at some point, if you continuously publicly criticise your paying customers surely you have to understand you will upset them? I feel personally attacked and concerned I will be judged by others negatively for being part if this vile parent body she describes. I am cross.

I almost want to post this in AIBU...but am I?

Bonsoir I suspect I have lived a very more varied life than you .

But you aptly sum up, what I'm trying to describe here. An upper middle class person, with every advanatge in life, endlessly on the look-out to discover problems in other people's parenting.

Your posts an an endless stream of criticism of your friends in Paris. All resulting in terrible things happening to their children. They can't do anything right . And when things do go wrong, there's no compassion, only schadenfreude.

It's interesting to me as someone who has lived on both sides of the fence.

You have no idea about my life, TheWordFactory, not what I do all day, because I don't post it on the internet. You are very naive indeed if you truly believe what you post. Are you so enthralled to the comforts of your adult life that you refuse to see any flaws in the society in which you aspire to belong?

OP
"I should say my DD is very happy at the school, does lots of things well and lots of things not very well but enjoys them so that's great."

So that's another parent at SPGS that has a happy daughter there able to deal with not doing so well at everything.

I went to the open day as met several students there. I asked them about stresses, anxiety, competition and feminism. They all seemed to have sensible and normal answers and didn't seems coached, stressed or haunted by any of the comments/stereotypes/prejudices that non-parents on this thread are throwing about. There is a tendency for people to come to conclusions and be judgemental based on heresay, gossip and preconceptions. It's not useful, even if this is one of the most privileged schools in the UK.

I will agree that there is West London parent hysteria, helicopter parenting and outsourcing of adolescence to private schools.

I have witnessed a school hall full of such parents, where the Mothers (mostly) have invested years of planning into the dreaded day of exams. As the children went off into the exam room, some of the Mums actually burst into tears with stress! It's not healthy for anyone and there is a "Darwinian" model in West London which is likely to be toxic to the children of parents like that.

Bonsoir you post enough to give a fair picture.

I have been rich and I have been poor. My experience tells me one is much easier and less beset by problems than the other. Can you say the same?

I think I am rather a better judge of the edit of my life I post on the internet than you are, TheWordFactory. You are being crazily presumptious.

The conversation is not about whether it is easier to be rich or poor. Coming from a wealthy family does not solve every life problem, or even attenuate it: many truly horrible problems stem from families being on a wealth and power trip.

My DD decided that the competitiveness and elitism of SPGS wasn't for her, it took itself far too seriously and she chose the school where she had a good barney with the Head at interview, and felt her humour and experiences were appreciated. I know plenty of West London parents, it is in thread after thread on Mumsnet, who did just view the process as one of finding the right school for their child and who apply sensible expectations and boundaries on their children's behaviour. When I asked my DD recently how she really felt when I wouldn't let her go to unsupervised house parties or the Park to binge drink and take drugs at 14 or later stay out all night clubbing with fake ID she replied she was secretly relieved and glad I cared, all that freedom didn't make those girls happy.

In my experience plenty of West London parents are not infected but the GSAL are trying to highlight some serious problems that are putting their pupils (including those at Wycombe Abbey) in the teen wing at The Priory with depression, addiction to drink and drugs and eating disorders. Imagine if your parents, and in one case Grandparents who are paying for the tutoring, make it clear they will be disappointed if you fail to get a place at SPGS, and you know they will be disappointed, and indeed mortified to admit it at dinner parties? Imagine if they are constantly busy with their own jobs, social and sex life (not necessarily with each other) to have time to talk to you, or set sensible boundaries, other than to arrange for you to have the necessary coaching to get into the best swim, tennis, ski, rock climbing or whatever teams . Mental illness in young people is sad whatever the postcode.

The GSA Heads are also concerned about the pressure on girls, this was supposed to be the Headline gsa.uk.com/2014/11/gsa-head-warns-of-danger-of-creating-unforgiving-exam-system/ .

And frankly when the Head of your school highlights something she is seeing in the girls at her school, shouldn't we all be wondering if there is a lesson there for us, not getting defensive and upset?

Pah! West London stress is nothing ... try living in North London!

"And frankly when the Head of your school highlights something she is seeing in the girls at her school, shouldn't we all be wondering if there is a lesson there for us, not getting defensive and upset?"

I think that there is a lesson there but I truly wonder to what extent blame can be laid by Heads at the feet of the parent body? Surely the school itself has done something to attract that sort of parent (and keep them)? From observing different schools, the ones with the dog-eat-dog competitive children have competitive parents and management. They are subcultures of the like-minded.

The bigger question is what we are doing as a society to recognize that the power and wealth trip has got dangerously overheated.

Moominmammacat

Don't need to try. I do.

i read that, made me laugh that The Times had it on the front page!!!

I think you are right to be upset and suggest you write a well worded complaint

she was speaking at a forum, and I understand what she refers to is a social trend - but its quite hurtful

you make some good comments, now write and tell her!

Pah! West London stress is nothing ... try living in North London!

I hear you!

We intend to send out dd to private school but, goodness, I cannot bear the idea of her ending up somewhere like St Paul's. At my Cambridge college there were two SPGS girls in my year - they were both utterly neurotic and incredibly intense about everything - social committees, sports clubs and, of course, their weekly essay crises. I had tutorials with one. I don't know what they were trying to prove, or to whom. Here's the thing: they both now work at magic circle law firms.

Whoop de whoop. How thrilling.

My sister works for a magic circle law firm too. She went to a very average independent grammar in the middle of England and a redbrick university.

Same destination, completely different routes.

What's the point??? Ultimately I just want my dd to be happy and well-educated. What more do the parents of St Paul's girls want?

I think the basic issue is that things have become more competitive; too many people vying for static or in some case decreasing resources.

So you'd struggle these days to get a TC in an MC law firm from a red brick. Sad but true.

And I'm sitting here in a coffee shop, looking at the applications of candidates for a place at the university where I work. We had a record number. We also had a record number of those who made it through the first sift. The bar just keeps getting higher.

feels relieved that my family circumstances changed as a kid and I did not take up my place at SPGS in the 70's (location not money BTW)

feels even more smug that I'm too poor to be able to worry about being a snowplough

I think I'm just too northern and working class to be a snowplough.

I'll admit that over half term, when DD probably should have been concentrating on her entrance exams for the sixth form she wants to attend, we went on holiday .

Never has a thread made me feel more glad that I live in Yorkshire and left London behind years ago.

You West London (and North London, for that matter) parents do know there is a wider world out there and that the vast majority of parents are managing to educate their children without all this angst and hand-wringing, don't you?! And gasp, some of those children actually manage to do well!

(And as an aside, it makes me even prouder of the state school children who manage to achieve the highest levels of academic success every year, while being educated in a class where some of the children might not even get an A*. Imagine it!)

Yorkshire has its own stresses, though.

The decimated steel and coal industires have resulted in some of the highest levels of unemployment in England, coupled with some of the worst schools.

Fayrazzled
Yup, the joy of never having paid for an hour of tutoring in my life,
never having paid school fees,
never having been through an entrance selection exam,
and still magically producing a child with 13 A*/A at GCSE,
among of a year group where some kids were delighted to get 5 C grades

Yup.

I was struck by someone below saying 'Also exams have been made easier - so 10A alone isn't enough - it needs to be 10 (or more) As from a good school.'

Well, no, actually - at least, not if you're talking about getting into a good university including Oxbridge rather than some other goal I don't know about.
Not all schools will let you do 10 or more subjects and I know quite a few admissions tutors and none of them would make 'having got your GCSEs at a good school' one of the criteria for an offer.

You West London (and North London, for that matter) parents

ahem. I am born and bred West London, and like many my children attend a state school. we dont all live in Chelsea you know!

Thats said, if I won the lottery-would i change school? Maybe--but would need careful consideration.

I dont envy them you know, its an ongoing pressure

get first child in, pay 25pa
get second child in, pay 25Kpa

and then never ever ever stop working, stop the hamster wheel. and always having to keep up with the Jones- yes they turn out well educated, well spoken kids but its very pressurised for some people who dont have massive inheritences

I dont pity them, but nor do I envy them

Instead of focusing on SPGS and West London and feel that's not our problem, can I just say I found her comments very significant about the way we all feel about our children in the 21st century. We put helmets on toddler, we post on these forums the moment our child has forgotten their lunch box. I found it extremely interesting that she talked about a generation of children who will not have stumbled on enough obstacles because we do remove them ladies. Remove them we do when we can. Lets all admit it. Out of love but we do.

There's much more to Yorkshire than decimated coal and steel industries. But of course, doesn't every place have its own stresses and issues? It's just I'm fairly sure 99% of Yorkshire's parents aren't fretting over what their child's HT may or may not have said to the press about the parent-body at their school, whilst simultaneously fighting tooth and nail to get their children into said school and paying handsomely for the privilege. It just all looks a bit, dare I say it, indulgent from the outside.

EmilyGilmore

Whilst I like evidence, anecdotes like yours suffer from statistical weakness plus observational bias. You have made a judgement about a school based on 2% of a single year's students. Even if you cite a few more individuals it just doesn't follow that your daughter would "suffer the same fate" not least because you would be parenting in a very different way to the parents of the girls you met.

Equally, you could name any North London private school (maybe any state school too) and find at least 2% of a year that you also didn't approve of in some way. You'd easily find some who are neurotic or depressed or have an eating disorder or simply failed to live up to your expectations from any particular school.

In my opinion, parents forget how much their own influence (or lack of) affects their children and parents believe schools have far more influence than they do. Schools are there for academic education and to provide pastoral "support". They aren't there to "make a person". Parents have all the responsibility and capacity to shape their kids beliefs, politics, personality and happiness. Anyone that thinks the school is any more that a support system for what comes from home is mistaken.

thecountess you don't need 10A*s to get a place.

That said, quite a number of the applicants in front of me, do!
Certainly, they all have over 6 ( and sorry but we don't conflate A* and A). Plus excellent AS results. Plus...

fromparistoberlin73, I'm sorry, I know it's not ALL West London and North London parents, but it's a convenient kind of shorthand. I even lived in West London myself for a time. (Before I saw the light and got out to Yorkshire).

makemelaugh I agree. While some of my comments are a little tongue in cheek, I think lots of us can recognise some of the behaviours Clarissa Farr is referencing. Above all else, parents seem to be so over-involved in their children's education and lives, stage-managing all aspects, in a way our parents just didn't.

They will do, WordFactory, and lots will have grade 8 distinction at a musical instrument as well!