Strugling with secondary school run

[athleticsmum]

Hi

In a nutshell my twin DD's started secondary school in September. Rather than going to the local secondary school, we decided as a family to go to the 'better' state school 8 miles away. As we are out of catchment we are lucky to get a place and my DD's are getting on really well.

There are no school buses or public transport, so I have to drive them. I work, run the home and have a large allotment, plus my DD's are very sporty and do a lot of sport in the evenings and weekends.

The trouble is the effect on me! I am knackered. The early starts are killing me, coupled with the stress of getting them there on time. Mornings are a nightmare. They are always arguing (as twins do) but even that is preferable to the lacksadaisical (sp?) attitude they have.

E.G. Time to leave - nothing is ready, so I did them a checklist for nightime. Checklist isn't used.

Unless I keep reminding them of the time, they won't be ready. Clocks all around the house - they don't look at them. They have no concept of time.

When asked at night 'have you done X, is Y ready', the answer is yes. Time to leave in the morning DD's suddenly remember X or Y isn't done and they have to rush off to get it. I have explained if they were getting a school bus they wouldn't be able to do it, but good old mum stands there waiting. I would rather them forget X or Y because then dealing with the consequences might make them learn. However, they remember just in the nick of time, but it makes us late/stressed.

I have explained we have to leave at a certain time for them to be on time and for my work. I have even said that the deal of going to this school was they got organised the night before and were ready at the set time. Its now nearing the end of the first term and its no different to the first week! I have said if its like this still by Xmas, then we will have to look at moving to the nearer school, which is within walking distance and starts at 9am not 8am. Still there is no change but I know they will be heartbroken to change schools.

I don't want to stop their sport as they are exceptionally good and their coach says they have high potential in their chosen sport.

I just don't know what to do. Being purely selfish, its killing me. I am getting migraines and feeling very stressed. Plus my work if suffering (work from home) as I have such a short day with this nightmare school run (it takes just over an hour in the afternoon to do the school run).

Any help/advice would be appreciated. I just wish they would make an effort. They are still acting like primary school kids, yet expecting grown up treatment. They don't do anything unless I tell them. For example, clothes left on floor, won't have a shower etc etc. I just feel I am parenting like I did when they were 5 year olds.

Any ideas how to get them to become a bit more responsible?

Help...

athletics
I worked out the timings for my kids and printed it out - a copy on each of their doors and a copy on the fridge - down to the nearest 5 minutes
from getting up to pulling out of the drive
it worked

Not read all the replies, so sorry if I repeat stuff written.

Firstly, I feel your pain.....been there, still there! (I have five, 12 - 20, so have done a fair few years now of secondary runs........which I did with the primary runs for a few years!).

We do have a closer school, and we do have bus options, but due to DD3 having an immune deficiancy, and DS2 being totally disorganised, and me being able to, I choose to take them and collect.

DD3 is STILL a nightmare and causes me horrendous stress with getting up, she is now yr11 (so it hasn;t got easier, I have just changed the way I react to her).

We have to leave by 7.55 am at the very very latest....registration is 8.20, and when no traffic takes five mins, morning traffic they are often running in as the bell runs, so I like to leave at 7.45.....this happens maybe once a week .

I wake up at 6.30am. I go down the hallway turning on radio and lights and opening their doors, and get my coffee. I go into their rooms every ten mins trying to raise them.....the boys are often up and dresses by 7am, DD3 however is still ignoring me and claims she NEVER hears me!

7.30 am DS1 fully ready. DS2 still floating about being given one instruction at a time, I am glugging coffee, DD3 often STILL refusing to get dressed.

7.40am and I am shouting up that they have 5mins and I am leaving.....she saunters down the stairs and sorts her lunch and refuses breakfast and then tries to go back up to do her make-up!!

7.45 I am sat in the car with the dog, and coffee, and maybe one or two boys. I beep.

DD3 comes out when ready, normally when I have sat on the horn, claiming she has been ready for ages!

On getting to school we often have her moaning that she has forgotten something. Depending on my mood I offer to get it, or make her suffer.

In the 5 years at secondary she hasn;t changed......I just stick to my routine and hope for the best. It is much better that I stick to it and let her suffer than me get migraines and go apoplectic.

I must admit I am relieved when her immune system dives and she has days off school. Mornings are so much more pleasant.

Upshot is......YOU do what is necessary for YOUR peace, and let them suffer if they have forgotten something. Don;t allow them to run about and make you late, just tell them they have to suck it up. They will learn (or not) but you will be happier

athleticsmum I can assure you they are, they get it from their Dad. ;)

I have younger children so accept I may be in for an a rude awakening when they are older. But ... DH and I both work full time, our DC (8 and 10) know that there is no time in the morning for us to run about after them, that we will be going at x time and if they are not ready we will be going without them. I don't run round reminding them to do things, I just give them a 10 minute warning if one seems to be warranted. the result is that the DC have risen to the challenge and are actually likely to be ready before me. I do think that the going round reminding them was just making them unable to think for themselves. Also, they've found ways to do things there own way - I might think they should pack bags before bedtime, but actually it's better that they've found their own system.

I've not read all the replies but wondered whether you could have a trial week of using a taxi to do the morning run? Not knowing where you are I don't know whether this is affordable but you might be able to do a deal because it's a regular gig. And they have to be ready for the taxi else they pay the difference from pocket money? And you'd get a chance to catch up a bit without the morning journey?

Sorry-lots of cross posts with other taxi suggesters!

I would give them alarm clocks! Ask them what time they need to get up to be out on time. Stop nagging, just tell them its 7 am, its 7:30, I'm going in 5 minutes. (They may need more than an hour to get up - mine often take 1hr 25 min at least, more if we have homework.)

Tell your boss you are dealing with your DDs for a week, and let them be late (if you are truly evil tell their HOY so they do get caught and punished at school).

Don't take their stress on yourself, let them deal with the consequences.

This that help us are: emergency hairbands and clips in the car, often an emergency hairbrush and pen too.

Agree with others. Let them take consequences of their inactions! Get them up earlier for a start.

OP I have 4 dd's including triplets and have had to implement a strict regime in the mornings to get everyone out of the house for school. The girls think they are getting up at 06:45 but it is really half six because I have reset their alarm clocks. They then have a whole hour to get ready and faff about. However anyone not at the door when I am ready to leave gets left behind and I don't think twice about them having to deal with the consequences at school for being late. Thankfully it has only happened three times. Good luck and things do get better as they get older.

My ds2 was like this so until he got it together we would prep the night before, together.
I taught him how to be ready on time, showed him how to have things packed, had a list every night for the following day and bag packed by the door.
clothes were laid out and all he had to do in the morning was put sandwich box into his bag.

I have noticed there are some children up very early in the morning, I'm quite surprised, mine were never up until about 7.45 at the earliest.
How do they do it, are they not shattered.

Morethan they may be tired (and often are) but it is necessary to getto school, lots of schools around here start at 8:30, getting up at 7:45 would've pushing it even for those who virtually live on the school. Lots also have school buses to catch.

In other countries children often start school even earlier, 8 or 7:30. It's not ideal for teenagers, but is common.

I have read this and thought of a sanction that you could use if required.

If you leave on time then you get to turn around and go home at "x" time. If they cause you to leave late then you still stop and turn around at "x" time and they will have to walk the rest of the way and suffer the consequences of being late.

I would also encourage you to drop them off nearish school & not on the doorstep - help build their independence. It may be an option at school pick up too - collect them a little later farther away from the school.

mummytime

we must just have been lucky with our local schools then.
I thought all schools started around 9am.
Of course I know some need to catch busses, my ds1 travelled about 8 miles as it was the school he was allocated, ds2 however, lived a stones throw away and was always late.
Yet to find out about secondary with dd.

Experience of three different secondaries here: one started at 8:20, the other two at 8:30, so 9 would be luxury for my lot!

morethan If my daughter didn't get up till 7.45am (leaving her 35 minutes to get ready) she would be late due to faffing. She isn't tired getting up at 6.45am because she goes to bed at 8pm.

I hope you get the secondary you want for your dd.

Ah, thanks mychildren

I suppose you get used to how things are in your own area and presume it is similar in most areas.
I did know there were little differences but didn't think they would be so great in terms of time.
Starting earlier, does this mean they are finished by about 2.30?

We start at 8.50 and finish at 2.30 at the secondary I work at and ds2 attends. I am up at 6.00 and have three sons at three different schools. I wake them from 7.00 onwards and leave around 8.00 taking ds2 and ds3 with me. Ds1 gets a cab as buses are very early and he has ASD, mental health problems etc and is heavily medicated. He needs the extra time in the morning. The cab company do text me though if he hasn't got in and I deduct the money from his wages from his job.
It's stress, stress and more stress in the mornings.......

DD starts at 8.45 and finishes at 3.15.

8.30 start and 4.00 finish at ours.