Strugling with secondary school run

[athleticsmum]

Hi

In a nutshell my twin DD's started secondary school in September. Rather than going to the local secondary school, we decided as a family to go to the 'better' state school 8 miles away. As we are out of catchment we are lucky to get a place and my DD's are getting on really well.

There are no school buses or public transport, so I have to drive them. I work, run the home and have a large allotment, plus my DD's are very sporty and do a lot of sport in the evenings and weekends.

The trouble is the effect on me! I am knackered. The early starts are killing me, coupled with the stress of getting them there on time. Mornings are a nightmare. They are always arguing (as twins do) but even that is preferable to the lacksadaisical (sp?) attitude they have.

E.G. Time to leave - nothing is ready, so I did them a checklist for nightime. Checklist isn't used.

Unless I keep reminding them of the time, they won't be ready. Clocks all around the house - they don't look at them. They have no concept of time.

When asked at night 'have you done X, is Y ready', the answer is yes. Time to leave in the morning DD's suddenly remember X or Y isn't done and they have to rush off to get it. I have explained if they were getting a school bus they wouldn't be able to do it, but good old mum stands there waiting. I would rather them forget X or Y because then dealing with the consequences might make them learn. However, they remember just in the nick of time, but it makes us late/stressed.

I have explained we have to leave at a certain time for them to be on time and for my work. I have even said that the deal of going to this school was they got organised the night before and were ready at the set time. Its now nearing the end of the first term and its no different to the first week! I have said if its like this still by Xmas, then we will have to look at moving to the nearer school, which is within walking distance and starts at 9am not 8am. Still there is no change but I know they will be heartbroken to change schools.

I don't want to stop their sport as they are exceptionally good and their coach says they have high potential in their chosen sport.

I just don't know what to do. Being purely selfish, its killing me. I am getting migraines and feeling very stressed. Plus my work if suffering (work from home) as I have such a short day with this nightmare school run (it takes just over an hour in the afternoon to do the school run).

Any help/advice would be appreciated. I just wish they would make an effort. They are still acting like primary school kids, yet expecting grown up treatment. They don't do anything unless I tell them. For example, clothes left on floor, won't have a shower etc etc. I just feel I am parenting like I did when they were 5 year olds.

Any ideas how to get them to become a bit more responsible?

Help...

I would say to them that since they can't get ready on time they will be getting up half an hour early (10 minutes if neither here nor there). If they are still messing around bring getting up forward some more.

If you are late one morning then they miss the next sport session

Really?

Perhaps if you took a similar tone with your children they wouldn't be messing you around every morning.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say wake them up later, not earlier. They need to get ready before they go to bed including packing school bag and finding all uniform / sports kit / music lesson stuff etc., morning is for wash/dressed/eat breakfast/pick up bags/walk out of the door. Nothing more. No need to look at the clock, it will be time to go as soon as they are ready and all they do from the moment the alarm goes off is get ready.

Our alarm goes off at 7am. DS is out of the door by 7.20. And no, he isn't an especially organised child - it only works because there isn't time for any faffing / computer / reading / things he forgot last night at all. I used to make him show me that he had everything he needed the evening before, but I don't bother any more - he's got into the habit.

I've no idea why you tolerate them saying yes to things being done when they aren't. To me that's a far bigger issue than them being inefficient. It's also extremely easy to fix. "Have you done x?" "Yes." "Show me." You'll need to decide what the consequences are for "actually, no I haven't."

Notinaminute - what a nasty piece of work you are.

Many thanks for all the positive replies (there is always one poster who is a bell end).

I have had a good heart to heart with the girls tonight and we have agreed the way forward. It was a really positive chat and we make some changes tomorrow.

I think its quite daunting for younger children starting secondary school and I do think they are a bit overwhelmed with everything. They understand in no uncertain terms that its up to them now to make it work.

Bags are packed and in the car tonight, so thanks to all of you who suggested that.

Thanks to everyone for 'listening' and giving advice.

Donna

I'm on my 7th year of secondary school runs, although slightly different to you in that there is a bus they can catch but it is unreliable and often overcrowded (although they do come home on it if they finish at normal time).

I work out of the home and although I have never had a fixed starting time in that I would be disciplined if I wasn't at my desk by a certain time, I do need to be at work at a sensible hour in order to do my job effectively.

From day 1 I set the time I would be leaving the house and worked with them to make this happen. My DC are still not organised and don't prepare anything the night before, I make sure that they are both awake before I go into the shower in the morning (1 hour before we leave) and give them a reminder as I go downstairs (10 minutes before we leave). I don't do anything for them and have not done since they started secondary, so sorting breakfast, washing, making pack lunches and packing bags is all down to them. If they forget lunch they can either buy something (from there school allowance or go without), if they forget a book or piece of kit they can live with the consequences. It may be tough love but it works for us.

I only wait if they are not ready if the reason is genuine, as the traffic if we leave later is a nightmare, especially after I have dropped them off.

We have to be out of the door bang on time to get DD to her bus. If we miss it, that means a long drive for me, with me missing my train on the days I WOH.

First up, insist all bags are packed the night before. After homework is finished allow no screen to be switched on before this is done!

Get tomorrow's clothes laid out before bed. Make sure you check they've done it and anyone who hasn't done a good job gets a bollocking. It should become a habit like teeth brushing.

Have a morning routine and stick to it like glue. No deviations. Everyone soon knows the drill.

Ensure there are clocks in the kitchen, bedrooms, hall etc.

Keep bellowing the time.

Five mins before the alloted leaving time, start the car, open the front door, shout 'time to leave.' That gives everyone five minutes to run downstairs, run back up stairs if need be, grab coats, bags and load the car...

Never missed that bus yet!!!!!!

Oh and get up earlier than you think. If you reach a situation where everyone is waiting languidly at the door, you can push the alarm forward!

Be prepared for earlier wake ups in the future OP! you may find the morning routines take longer to take account for hair faffing etc

athleticsmum re. the waking time - My DD is also in Year 7. She has to leave the house at 8.20am. Her alarm is set for 7am. It was 6.30am initially but we have been able to push it back to 7am because she realised that being more organised meant more sleep. A little more time to allow for moving slowly is definitely worth it.

If the bags are now packed and in the car, but they get in and say "oh I forgot X", then I would suggest saying "tough, there are consequences for forgetting it". And the same if, as you walk out the door, they suddenly remember X. They have left it too late, the time limit on getting anything more to take with you is 7.45 and it has now passed.

Can't you all just get up 15 mins earlier? I speak as one who is up at 5.20 some mornings and 6.30 on others. It's not nice but it has to be done if everyone is going to get where they need to be.And yes, put up a taxi number in the kitchen, open an account with a local company, leave at the time YOU need to leave and invoice your children at the end of every month if they have had to resort to the taxi!

"Notinaminute - what a nasty piece of work you are."

"... (there is always one poster who is a bell end)."

And there is always an OP who posts but only wants to hear what they want to hear and resorts to cheap insults when they don't.

Notinaminute - go away. If you've not got anything nice to say, don't say it.

Where do you get this from? I only want to hear what I want to hear. WTF? Why have I asked for suggestions and implemented 3 changes this morning if I didn't want suggestions?? You have just been nasty.

Not a cheap insult. Think you are a nasty piece of work. I am asking for practical suggestions not implications about my poor parenting. By your own admission on your first reply to me, you say your child is indulged. Sort that out love before having a go at me.

A morning update!

Thanks for all the positive responses (bar one).

This morning has been brilliant!

Last night we had a good chat and I really laid down the law with the girls. They got their bags ready and they were put in the car.

I explained that in the morning NOTHING would be added to the bags.

I got them up 10 mins early and reminded them of the time regularly.

Both DD's were ready 10 mins early for the school run! It was calm and reminded me how it should be and what lovely girls they are. What a different start to the day. I feel so much better today.

Oddsocks - oh god, not hair faffing. Can't cope with that. I struggle to get one DD to even brush her hair at the moment, so I suppose I should be careful what I wish for!

Well done!

It will slip but keen onto them till it gets to be habit.

There are 2 of them, they are 11. My default setting for lateness would be to leave on time without them and tell them to get a cab. THey'd be safe and it would hit then where it hurts- their pockets!

We are lucky, public transport is good. DS had it down to a fine art all the combos of bus and train to get there when he could bother to get up ( bus slow but near direct and with mates, train and alternative bus faster if late, train and run fastest but knackering, if train not running 2/3 other buses with changes LOL)

Well done!

Your DD's sound a lot like my DD. I give thanks every morning that she has to catch the bus which thankfully picks her up from our drive. When she was at primary school we were late most days!

Theas & Inatizz - thanks for the well done. I feel so positive this morning. Its amazing how a good start can make everything feel better and a bad start can ruin the day!

I do think part of the problem with my DD's is the twin thing. It is so different to 2 different age kids. They are so close they are either fighting or really best buddies - they distract each other constantly and they also have relied on each other to remember things as they have always been in the same class. Now at secondary school they are split up from each other, so have no one to ask when they have forgotten what they need.

Its a big learning curve for them and for me and I expect when they reach 12 years of age next Summer, they will have grown massively in maturity. No doubt I will have a few more grey hairs!

Having been in exactly the same situation I feel for you. My DTs are now driving to school, it's so great but another sort of stress.

I've definitely found it gets easier as they get older, they become slightly more reasonable.

Well done!

"Mine's a little like this. The clothes etc. He's an Aug y7, a little indulged and has the potential to be massively disorganised.
However he has now got the hang of thinking about stuff and sorting it the night before. It is the only way. He also gets up when he has to and gets ready without any nagging.
Impose a few sanctions. Can't do after school sports? No screen time? Hit them where it hurts.
Do not underestimate the power of the threat of no clubs/screen time, but be prepared to carry out what you say or you are sunk!
They all relapse from time to time (they are just children) but you are not doing them or yourself any favours by being a pushover.
Good luck!"

Here's my post.

If you are going to quote me back to myself then at least get it right.

I said my DS was "a little indulged". He is. And? That he may be, but at least he can sort his own school bag out, get up, get showered and get dressed without a fuss. He is ready and waiting to leave the house on time every day.

Don't comment on my DS - I did not post for advice - so leave off telling me to "sort that out love." I'm not your love and my DS is not your concern. YOU have invited comment by posting your long tale of woe.

Oh and you are clearly missing the point of a public forum. You don't decide who contributes.

Oh and a "bell end"? You gave my 11 year old a laugh before he left for school on time.

Notinaminute - 'lalalala' fingers in ears. not listening love.

Clearly are love or wouuldn't have responded within 3 mins.

Isn't it about time you were getting ready for your epic school pick-up?

Real life calling in the form of work.

lol. Thank for the 'warm welcome' to the forum 'notinaminute'

xxxxxxxxxxxx

athleticsmum you have got me thinking about my DD in the mornings. While she has been ready on time every day I have realised that since setting her alarm to the slightly later time this has mostly been because I have been constantly reminding her what to do next. I also realised that I find it rather irritating and it is exactly what my Mum used to do with my brothers. I can't say it did them any good soooooo as of tomorrow morning I have told her that the alarm is being set slightly earlier and she has to make sure she keeps herself on track time wise. I feel a bit harsh but it will hopefully be worth it in the long run. She wasn't impressed at the earlier alarm but I said if she gets herself moving she won't have to have it set so early. ;)

mychildrenarebarmy (I'm sure they're not!) - so glad this has been of help to you too. We can all learn something new as parents can't we.