Strugling with secondary school run

[athleticsmum]

Hi

In a nutshell my twin DD's started secondary school in September. Rather than going to the local secondary school, we decided as a family to go to the 'better' state school 8 miles away. As we are out of catchment we are lucky to get a place and my DD's are getting on really well.

There are no school buses or public transport, so I have to drive them. I work, run the home and have a large allotment, plus my DD's are very sporty and do a lot of sport in the evenings and weekends.

The trouble is the effect on me! I am knackered. The early starts are killing me, coupled with the stress of getting them there on time. Mornings are a nightmare. They are always arguing (as twins do) but even that is preferable to the lacksadaisical (sp?) attitude they have.

E.G. Time to leave - nothing is ready, so I did them a checklist for nightime. Checklist isn't used.

Unless I keep reminding them of the time, they won't be ready. Clocks all around the house - they don't look at them. They have no concept of time.

When asked at night 'have you done X, is Y ready', the answer is yes. Time to leave in the morning DD's suddenly remember X or Y isn't done and they have to rush off to get it. I have explained if they were getting a school bus they wouldn't be able to do it, but good old mum stands there waiting. I would rather them forget X or Y because then dealing with the consequences might make them learn. However, they remember just in the nick of time, but it makes us late/stressed.

I have explained we have to leave at a certain time for them to be on time and for my work. I have even said that the deal of going to this school was they got organised the night before and were ready at the set time. Its now nearing the end of the first term and its no different to the first week! I have said if its like this still by Xmas, then we will have to look at moving to the nearer school, which is within walking distance and starts at 9am not 8am. Still there is no change but I know they will be heartbroken to change schools.

I don't want to stop their sport as they are exceptionally good and their coach says they have high potential in their chosen sport.

I just don't know what to do. Being purely selfish, its killing me. I am getting migraines and feeling very stressed. Plus my work if suffering (work from home) as I have such a short day with this nightmare school run (it takes just over an hour in the afternoon to do the school run).

Any help/advice would be appreciated. I just wish they would make an effort. They are still acting like primary school kids, yet expecting grown up treatment. They don't do anything unless I tell them. For example, clothes left on floor, won't have a shower etc etc. I just feel I am parenting like I did when they were 5 year olds.

Any ideas how to get them to become a bit more responsible?

Help...

But you do want them to go to that school, you chose it in the first place, and they are happy and doing well, so changing schools will be going against every maternal fiber, and that is their hold on you.

OP - the leaving when they are ready requires you to have picked a couple of days to take off work and to have nothing scheduled in - accept you will be going later on those days, but as you don't have to rush anywhere else, it's just them it's goign to impact on.

Might seem a waste of your holiday allowance, but worth it in the long run.

Agree with getting them up earlier - if it's taking them over an hour to get ready, they need over an hour, wake them up at 6:30. See if that helps, tell them it's because they ren't getting ready on time. If they want longer in bed they have to prove they can be ready to leave in less time and start the "we're leaving now" at 7:40, with an aim to be in the car for 7:50. Possibly even 7:30 to be on the road at 7:50.

We have a very similar situation, and DD could diddle for Britain. The one thing that helps is that on some days her father takes her, on his own way to work, and she knows damn well that he will drive off without her; whereas I work from home, so therefore am clearly at her disposal for being as late as she likes...

She also regularly forgets things and phones to ask if I could pleeease drop it over, just this once, it'll only take you 20 minutes (hah!).

So I started to charge her, at her choice of paying my usual hourly rate/time spent doing something preferably smelly round the house, for the length of my time she'd just wasted.

We're not quite there yet, but it's helping.

Quints - true.

They need to move school to one that they can get to independently. If you treat them like 5 year olds, then they'll behave like 5 year olds. Currently you are cushioning them from the consequences of their behaviour, and you, not they, are suffering for it.

Oh, and in fact I also pay her to cycle in, some days -- £1 per round trip that I don't have to do. But ours is 5 miles rather than 8, and a pretty safe route.

All the same, given twins going the same way together, is it definitely not an option? Maybe when they're older?

I find an hour means that it doesn't matter if they don't leap straight out of bed (DS1 gets up first, DS2 likes to lie in bed a bit) we have time to all sit down to eat and there is usually enough faffing around time before we leave.

It did take a while (about a term) for both of them to get organised for secondary as it is a big jump in responsibility

Unless you change their attitude it will be as much a pita getting them there for 9 as 8, although presumably they can walk themselves then and take the consequences of being late.

There are some great responses thank you. I feel so much better having aired all this! Sorry if I don't thank the correct person!

2 kitties - this happens with us. They are much more on time if ever OH takes them (rarely) as he has to go on to work. I work from home (its long winded to explain) but have to be back and start first thing.

The worst thing is that only a few mins late makes a massive difference to the traffic on that route, both going to school and coming out again.

I think you will find that they won't miss school - my youngest is in high school now and none of them have missed a day off school yet due to not being ready on time.
You have to be prepared to follow through - hence driving a few doors down the road; like I said, I only had to do it once

BTW OP, is it just 5 or more like 7 years you've signed up for this?

That's a long time, if you really can't get them to get out of the house on time, then I'd consider moving closer to the school/onto the bus route, particulary as when they get older they might want to do things with their friends after school/have a bit more freedom, that's just not going to be possible living where you do.

I would definately consider building in an extra 30 minutes into your mornings and get them up very early. If you end up getting them to school early, not a problem for anyone.

Another option, do they get pocket money and how much would a taxi be? Could you tell them you are putting next month's pocket money on the mantlepiece along with a taxi number. If they aren't ready on time, you'll go without both/one and they will have to get to school themselves, here's the taxi number and once the money's gone, it's gone so they'd get less pocket money next month/no pocket money next month.

Other practical suggestions:

• X, Y and anything they aren't actually having to wear in the morning gets packed in the car the evening before. No screen time (or whatever motivates them) until that's done.
• Whatever they do need to actually wear in the morning also gets laid out the evening before. No screen time (etc.) until that's done. You'll probably need to do a visual check for a few weeks at least (it's amazing how a "yes, I've laid everything out" one evening can turn into "but where are my shoooooooooooes?" the next morning if no one picks them up on their definition of "everything").

The key has to be structuring your system so that not getting their stuff ready when they are supposed to eats into their time doing what they want to do, rather than into your time. And that may mean moving the "when they are supposed to" goalposts.

Mary - its 5 years as there is no 6 form (thank goodness!). Great idea about the taxi. A taxi costs £10 for the journey and this might work when they are a little bit older.

Buckskinned- great idea. I never thought of putting their stuff in car the night before.

There are some brilliant ideas. I am going to print this off and give it some real thought. I am fed up with moaning - I have to do something to feel back in control of the situation, so thank you to everyone.

I actually find it deeply satisfying to charge them for wasting my time . Wish I'd thought of it years ago.

I have to take mine too as there op, is no public transport. People just don't understand that a bus isn't the option.

Just sympathising really. Mine are older, so have been doing it a few years now and it is still stressful-and easier for me as I have no time constraints on my own time unlike you.

I'm going to nick Buckskinned's idea too, why hadn't I thought of that.

Do they get pocket money?
If so then my tat I would be if your late you need to take a Taxi that £10 will come out their pocket money.
Or if you don't leave on time you will be waiting till rush hour is over and won't leave the house till 9:30am let them get into trouble at school. They need to learn the consequences of their behaviour it is they only way they will learn to take responsibility.
Maybe have a stern talk with both of them and make it clear you mean business any more mucking around and they will face the consequences and of it continue to happen they will move school loosing their place on the sports teams.

That should have read If so that would be my tactic if your late you need to take a taxi...

You seem somewhat reluctant to impose any sanctions for them messing you about. You just want to facilitate their frankly disrespectful attitude by altering your routine.

Why should they alter their behaviour? There is no imperative for them to do so.

Notinaminute - absolute rubbish. Who said I won't implement sanctions?? Have you got the right thread? I am asking for suggestions. I also haven't said they are messing about. They are dawdling and being forgetful.

Any constructive suggestions are welcomed. Comments like that are very unhelpful.

We were the same until I just started getting up earlier, and waking the kids 15 minutes earlier. That way, I am dressed before I even wake them - I found leaving them to get themselves sorted while I got dressed just meant they drifted off into la-la land.

I also set all the clocks in the kitchen 5 minutes fast

You do realize your be ferrying them about for the next five years!! Soon they want see their mates after school and guess who be the taxi for that too. Secondary school is where kids start to be independent.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, only advice I would give is send them to the local school.

They tell you they are organised the night before but really they aren't because they have a last minute panic in the morning. Make them show you. They need to show you their uniform is laid out, their homework is done, they have everything they need for school. Put it all by the door or even in the car when they have shown you that it is ready. Then all they need to do in morning is get dressed and eat breakfast, everything they need is already in the car. Do a schedule and pin it up which says we get ready to get in the car at 7.15 I.e putting coats and shoes on. We leave at 7.25. Use a timer and alarms in the morning befor school so if you have ten mins for breakfast, set the timer for 10 mins. When the timer pings breakfast is over.

Do wake them up earlier. My DD has to catch a school bus at 7:40, we have to drive her a couple of miles to the bus-stop so she has to be out of the house 7:35 at the absolute latest. I have my alarm set for 6:25, hers is set for 6:30, I make sure she's awake at 6:40, down for breakfast by 7, done by 7:15 - she gets dressed after that.

Obviously if they need to be woken earlier they also need to go to bed that much earlier. Make that crystal clear to them. If they start being ready early then they may earn that back.

I work from home, and once I'd got used to it (I'm an owl not a lark!) I found that the earlier start worked quite well for me - I get exercise/housework out of the way while I finish waking up.

Could you try giving them a time window, during which you will be prepared to leave to drive them. And if they are not ready, hand them the number of a local cab firm, tell them to sort it out and that the (no doubt exorbitant) cost will come out of their pocket money. And as they might have to wait for ages for one to be available, they'll also have to face sanctions from the school.

DS1 out at 7am, drop off for school bus - wakes at 6am. I get showered & dressed and then DS2 at 6.30am, leave house at 7.30am so dropped off at station for train.