How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

I don't actually have a problem with communal pants and socks!

Well done, CaptChaos, I don't suppose that was easy to post. So glad your DS found somewhere he could be himself and learn/be happy.

Well done Capt....I take my hat of to you....

I hope your DS enjoys school now...The most important thing I see is that kids need to enjoy school to learn.

Im so happy to see so many happy boarder families on mumsnet...Its nice

CaptChaos - it's so fantastic to hear that your son is doing so well. And so frustrating to hear how rubbish the other provision available to him was.

Can I ask - if he could have gone to his school as a day pupil, would you have preferred that? Or did you think that boarding was one of the positive things about the school?

That's an interesting question Hakluyt. For DS's first school we initially saw boarding as a necessity. I asked my DS that same question a term or so in and several times since. He told me that he would definitely choose to board in both his schools even if he lived right next to them. In fact for his first school there were several boys who lived very close, started off as day pupils and then chose to board.

IME it's very common for day children at boarding schools who often have to be at school from 8 am in the morning till 9 PM and even those who only live a stone throw away to change to boarding. Probably because boarders are often very close, the period after 9 PM is often a time for just relaxing mucking around and strengthening existing friendships further, dorm raids and pillow fights are also part of strengthening existing friendships and getting to know those you may not initially like. Many HM's also have groups into their side of the house or provide for all boarders, a glass of wine, a chat or a pizza or curry late at night especially at the weekend, day children may begin to feel slightly left out from a tight knit happy community and change to boarding although some parents aren't always so enthusiastic.

I agree with you happy there...

My daughter has two local friends that live a stone throw away from school. Yet both will be baording this term. I think one was a flexi boarder. So they had a party every other night when she was there.

Most other developed countries do not have a culture of boarding. The Uk does because of our heritage of empire and colonialism . The empire is gone but boarding remains. Why ? If it is not required globally and not found to be a benefit in other countries, why The Uk. From the outside we are an odd country particularly the lack of family focus, be it boarding, expecting children to leave home at 18, forced adoption, high teenage pregnancy rates, lack of family friendly government policies. I have no answers only questions. I would not have my children at a boarding school. I don't think the benefits outweigh the risks and if I lived I the sticks I would move.

"If I lived in the sticks I would move"
We moved from London when are children were pre school age to give them a better quality of life. They had 200 odd safe acres to roam over, extensive woodland, our garden alone was an acre, there were trees to climb, our horses ponies were next to our back garden to ride, loads of safe car free cycling and the sea just up the road. And I nearly forgot perfect peace, no street lights, no traffic jams, less time was spent driving around, we no longer drove to parks/museums/galleries on Sundays we were just happy at home, I personally believe it contributed to our very strong families cohesiveness. Nothing would get me back into a city or even a town now.
As Ive said there is no perfect solution. Thats life IME.

Morethan - thanks you, if you're truly interested in his results, I'll happily let you know.

Grovel and Kenlee - thanks you, it was a difficult post about a difficult decision.

Hakluyt - I'm not 100% sure to be honest, the decision was taken out of our hands. I just knew that I couldn't watch him being further destroyed by 2 successive government's ill thought out social experiment with children like my DS. I had happily HSed him, with great success, but that choice was removed from me, otherwise I would still be HSing him now.The thing about his BS was that they did all sorts of useful therapeutic extra curriculars, which he wouldn't have been able to access at the day school. My pain at his leaving to spend his days with other people, my guilt at having forced him to go to another MS school for as long as I did, my worries and fears paled into insignificance when compared to his happiness.

When we moved back to the UK, and said that we were looking into a local day school for him, he said he would do what we wanted, but he was happy where he was and didn't want to leave. I am fully aware from your posts that you believe that parents who send their children to BSs are in some way abusing their children, so I know what you think of me, and I know that whatever I have written you'll continue to believe I have abused him, or don't love him enough to have kept him home.

Would I have preferred him to go to a day school and come home every evening? Yes, of course I would have, I am far too overprotective of my children to want to send them away! Do I think that boarding side was a positive for the school? Yes, I do, he had the best of all worlds. Did we do the absolutely right thing by our DS? Yes, we all believe we did.

Completely agree with you HG, but I bet there's a bit of you that looks at London house prices and moans!

We "upsized" 20 years ago by moving out. We'd have loads more capital if we'd stayed put. Doesn't really matter but but occasionally rankles.

Capt I sincerely hope that what ever anyone's view on boarding is that no with more than two brain cells to rub together really thinks that you and hopefully any of the rest of us who chose to send our DC's to boarding school are abusing their children or don't love then enough to keep then at home
You like all the rest of us are doing what is right and the best thing for you and your DC and that's what matters.

Surely having our assumptions challenged is A Good Thing? Surely we should be constantly reassessing our lives, especially when it comes to DC?

Whichever pp said this I agree.

So I pretty much think you know that my opinion is , if you have the means and the opportunity and a boarding school is right for your child , then it is a good thing and gives them a range of things otherwise unavailable. (whether you think those things are worth it or not - different point)

Equally - there are those here who would not consider boarding under any circumstances. Your choice, I wouldn't argue that you should do differently.

I pretty much think that anyone who can be bothered to argue the point on a thread like this is interested enough that I'm guessing they will be an involved and interested (and loving) parent.

Oh and btw the laundry is more like 3 x per week not every 3 weeks and DS does know how to put the washing machine on

happy No, no-one's view on boarding will change my view on my DS's situation. I just felt it would help to be completely candid that I know that whatever I say in answer to Hakluyt's questions, she will interpret them to mean that I don't love him enough or have sent him away for some other nefarious reason.

There has been a lot said about bullying within the BS system, so I'll give you a couple of examples of incidents involving DS.

He was held, by his throat, against a wall and punched by 3 other boys. I still have the photos the police took of his injuries. A friend's DD went to break it up, as the teacher standing about 6 feet away didn't get involved. Friend's DD was disciplined for pushing one of the boys out of the way, DS told that boys will be boys.

DS was physically assaulted by another boy in the loos, ended up with a nose bleed and a cut lip. The boy who assaulted him was expelled from the school.

Can you guess which one happened in a well regarded 'outstanding' state day school, and which happened at his BS?

Captchaos you obviously love your DS, you chose boarding as it was incredibly hard to see him unhappy at his day schools. I am so pleased it is a positive experience for him. It must help make those times apart worthwhile.

"I am fully aware from your posts that you believe that parents who send their children to BSs are in some way abusing their children, so I know what you think of me, and I know that whatever I have written you'll continue to believe I have abused him, or don't love him enough to have kept him home"

No I don't. And I have never said anything of the sort I was genuinely asking you- you have found the perfect school for your son, and I wanted to know whether you felt that the fact that it was a boarding school was one of the things in its favour, or whether you had to accept boarding because there was no other way of getting your son the education he needed.

I think the stand out message from your posts is not about boarding schools, it's about the provision available for children with additional needs. Yours, surely,is not a boarding school story, it's an inadequate provision story. I am furious on your behalf that this was a choice you had to make.

And there is no school of any sector or type that has no bullying. Any head who says there is no bullying in his school is lying.

I have to agree with Hak there. There is always some person who wants to dominate another. That is bullying. Some say its for fun other do it out of spite.

However, a good school will be aware of this and usually stamp it out very quickly. I remember my DD being asked if she was Japanese by a girl. Who then immediately got a caution by HM. Until my daughter explained she asked out of curiosity rather than spite. They are now good friends. The girls find that HM is like a ghost. When ever they are up to no good she has already foiled their extensive plans.

It's inevitable than when you criticise boarding in general those like myself Kenlee and Capt take these comments personally. Comments like boarding is equivilant to a children home or worse, a form of child abuse, that some who send their DC's to boarding school don't love their DC's and that our children will develop a range of emotional problems oh and I nearly forgot can't use a washing machine (a serious deficiency) are inevitably going to cause upset.
Few parents rush into big decisions like this, most spend a long tine considering the pros and cons of their decisions, I suspect the vast majority review their decisions on a regular basis, few of us see in our children or others children the problems stated by those who dislike boarding as concept, in fact we see the complete opposite, I am of course aware some will think we're burying our heads in the sand.

It is a long running debate on here and I very much doubt one where anyone will ever budge.

"Comments like boarding is equivilant to a children home or worse, a form of child abuse, that some who send their DC's to boarding school don't love their DC's and that our children will develop a range of emotional problems "

[sigh] but I haven't said anything of the sort. And I asked CaptChaos what struck me as perfectly reasonable, unchallenging questions.

The funny thing is most who dislike boarding most likely haven't boarded. Who usually have a friend of a friend who hated it or boarded an eon ago.

The basic concept of boarding is to let like minded children live together in a close environment. They then will spur each other on to work harder. This of course is done under supervision of house staff. This will give them the time to explore new things and try them out in a safe environment.

The question is do all boarding schools provide this?. Well the answer is no. That is the reason why so many boarder parents have spent in some cases two to three years before their child boards researching the schools on their short list before deciding on the final school.

Boarding school is not for children who would dislike that environment. I would be the first to say if your child is of that ilk do not send them. They will hate you for the rest of your life as seen by some on here. Although I do feel these children will not fair well in day school either.

So what is the rationale. Its simple do what is good for your child. Boarder parents have done so and seeing your child have a good time and telling you about how great their week was on facetime is reason enough for me.

So you have to choose a good school with a good HM ..Not because she has a qualification saying she can. Choose one that actually loves children. That feels happy caring for your child and making them happy. One that is experienced like our HM. In her tenure at the school Im sure she has seen it all and solved it all.

So should you just choose any boarding school as so many think we have done. The answer is No. Boarding schools are mostly private so you get to choose. Somr maybe dire or not fit in with your child. Others may fit perfectly. Thus allowing your child to thrive.

Once enrolled do parents say. Ah well jobs done. We won't see them till the back end of the 21 st birthday after University. Hopefully they will never come back. The answer is NO. Most boarder parents are reviewing and talking with their children. They take an active role in talking with HM, teachers and their child.

So why not just day school. Well according to the two day girls who want to board. Its no fun at home being in boarding is way more fun.

I know it may not be for everyone and I accept it. Yet for those who do enjoy it...well its money well spent...

I'm surprised there aren't more middle of the road boarders posting.

Not those that loathed it, or absolutely loved it as soon as they went. But thought ok it's necessary, and it gets better as you get older.

We can al sigh Halkuyt, you seem to be doing what accuse me of doing taking every comment personally. If you chose to assume that I was aiming my last comment at you alone then of course you free to do this but you are not the only person on this thread who is strongly anti boarding.
Just for the record Hakluyt as general principle if I am aiming a comment a one person in particular I try to remember to put there name at the beginning of the comment.