How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

So what do the older boys do for the younger ones?

Hakluyt, older kids direct house plays, organise house games, run school societies etc. Younger kids do more basic stuff because they can't be expected to manage older kids. It's not demeaning. It's not fagging because it's for the whole community, not for some elite.

In his early years at school my DS helped with laundry, distributing mail etc (20 mins a day max). By the time he was 15 he was organising junior House teams to be at the right place at the right time (30 mins a day?). When he was 17 he was organising speakers for a school society he belonged to, overseeing bed time in his House (with others) and studying for A levels.

It's no different to the workplace.

He has recently graduated and is working.The donkey work in his (fantastic) workplace is done by the new graduates while they become competent. My DS seems to understand this better than some of his fellow starters who "didn't get a degree to photocopy".

So the older ones never actually take part in any routine running of the household, as they would be expected to do at home. An older one never sorts a younger one's laundry or cleans the kitchen. You serve your time- then never have to do it again. That's just not how life works. And it's certainly not how a family works.

"By the time he was 15 he was organising junior House teams to be at the right place at the right time (30 mins a day?). When he was 17 he was organising speakers for a school society he belonged to, overseeing bed time in his House (with others) and studying for A levels."

Interestingly, apart from overseeing bedtime, my dd has done all of those things in the 6th form of her day school.

That's how it should be, maryyz- but two other posters have said specifically at their schools it isn't like that.

I only mentioned it, maryyz, because people keep on saying all these things happen in boarding schools and isn't it great. So I have to point out that yes, they are great! but thy happen in schools- not just boarding schools.

Hakluyt, I think you are being a bit obtuse. The kids do stuff according to their abilities to make the community work. Just like homes. In the holdays (at /1516/17) he did his washing, cleaned and cooked. It would be daft to have 50 teenage boys all needing a hoover/oven/washing machine at the same time - so it was different at school. Not that hard to understand.

To compensate for having limited domestic duties at school ( his room had to be respectable) he was expected to be busy doing something "useful".

For what it's worth, he makes a bed better than I do, irons better than I do and cooks from scratch better than I do. All learnt at school - from Dame, CCF and house cook).

Don't think I said it was great just talked about what goes on mainly in response to you point Halkuyt that they should do their own laundry (a clear indication about how clueless you are about boarding) and cleaning bathrooms ditto. Children do HM allocated age appropriate chores, none are overly onerous, around the house just like many do at home just like I was asked to do when I worked at the riding stables. Younger children are clearly not going to supervise older children's homework or put them to bed in either a boarding house or a home, or act as mentors to third years.
I'm really struggling to work out why you have a problem with this.
The house community at my DS's school is exceptionally strong, younger ones don't feel they're personal servants to older children because they collect the mail, or ring the wake up alarm. Just like I didn't feel I was a personal servant because I collected the eggs every morning at the riding stables I too loved being part of a community, I felt I was playing a valuable role. I was treated well by all and the eggs were always gratefully received by our cook. It's the same for the younger boys doing their daily chores and for the older ones doing theirs. It's how people doing these chores are treated by those who they live with that count not what they're being asked to do.

No, I'm not being obtuse. I am saying that one of my objections to boarding school is that kids don't take part in the day to day running of a household, and that I would not like my children living in a place where they were not expected to cook and clean and take responsibility for domestic tasks. Somebody said that at their school they do undertake some domestic tasks- then it turned out it was only the younger years. And that they, in effect, "waited" on the older ones, bringing their post, delivering their laundry and so on. I do not think this is how a community should operate.

I didn't say they should do their own laundry.

I did say that one of the problems of boarding school is that they don't have to take responsibility for themselves in the way that a teenager living in a family would.

I give up.
I wish I'd never returned to this thread.
Boarding works for us, and that's what counts, what didn't work for my DS was state day education because it was at best mediocre and at worst bloody awful. My DS unlike many in this world has a caring family supporting him and when at school has exceptionally dedicated and caring staff around him, he has many opportunities that I'm not able to offer him for a variety of reasons if he lived at home 52 weeks of the year, and he has many friends of all ages. It's not a family home but it's a home, my DS is happy, what ever anyone says he's not waiting on anyone, he doesn't have family separation issues or any of the other problems that boarders could suffer from mentioned in this thread, ok it's not perfect but where is and it's a dammed site closer to being perfect than any of the day school options in this area.
People can criticise all they like but frankly it's irrelevant I know it's better for us.

Happygardening- please don't take it so personally. I don't agree with boarding school. Surely I should be able to say why without you being personally offended by what I say? I wasn't personally offended by people saying that parents of day kids smother them and micro manage them and they'll never be able to successfully leave home.

You're wasting your breath Maryz.you need to console yourself with the thought that we know that boarding is this big bad system, that for many it's a positive life changing experience.

You don't agree with boarding and you won't accept anything anyone says that's positive about it. It doesn't matter what anyone says you immediately turn it round and make it into a negative. You make sweeping unfounded generalisations, based purely in you opinions. I'm not expecting you to day you're right boarding is better than day but you won't concede it has any thing positive about it for some children and their families.
Has anyone actually said that every day child is smothered, their lives micro managed and they can't leave home successfully. I think not. All we're trying to say is that boarding is a legitimate and successful alternative for some children.

Actually thinking about it would it be better for a child to be in boarding rather than be at home being micromanaged and smothered by a helicopter mum?

Im not saying any day school mums on here are. Would it be better for the child. Im seriously thinking if talking my bro into letting my neice board. If need be we will pay.

All way through our holiday she has asked my DD about boarding and how she wish she could board too.

My DD was astonishingly honest. Boarding is great as you meet new friends and become very close to your friends very quickly. Yes there are bullies but in boarding the older girls will deal with them. They either will settle or find boarding is not for them. You do get time to just play. Something she was denied by me when she was in HK. We were playing catchup to her peers. Piano , Dance and then Swimming..interspaced with academic studies. Maths , English and Chinese. I was wrong and I admit that. I have apologize to my daughter for my mistake. Which she accepted because she knew I was doing what I thought was best for her. The scenario is now being played out with my neice.

Boarding has saved my relationship with my daughter. We are now closer than ever. Do I feel I have lost anything. No because now I have gained everything. I win on education. I win on relationship. I win even on seeing her smile.

O btw her friends in HK who didn't choose boarding are now asking her details on boarding. So it maybe not only the parents choice but that of there children too.

sorry their

Kenlee I think sending a child thousands of miles away to board to stop a parent micro managing is a sledgehammer to crack a nut .

The best bet would be to er...stop micro managing. Most parents get to this point. Honest.

Here in the UK most parents work, we have multiple children, we have hobbies and friends. There isn't the space for micro managemnet for the majority .

Happygardening- I have said repeatedly that there are advantages to boarding. I just don't think they outweigh the disadvantages. And I do think that those disadvantages affect all boarders to a greater or lesser extent. It's about deciding whether one thinks the disadvantages are worth it. But pretending they don't exist is just burying one's head in the sand.

Mornin' Hak

How did your DD do? Get what she needed?