Not very bright child

[Kenlee]

I just need to get this off my chest.

My niece a very caring bright funny child although not academic smart is being upset by her mother. The reason being she wants her daughter to be smart. So she has now embarked on the crazy notion of no play just academic excellence.

I have warned her about the dangers of this. Yet she insist that her daughter needs to goto a top selective school.

Good job she is HK with me now....We are going to Disney and to hell with revision.

Your niece sounds lovely.
It's not uncommon for parents to want or believe that DC's are brighter than they are and to be aiming for a super selective. IME most don't even get offered a place at a "top selective school" as they are usually over subscribed and the schools know what they are looking for and end up happy at slightly less selective school. Some of course do make it and even do very well and others make it and always struggle.
As parents we do what we believe is right for our individual child, it's usually best not to over criticise unless you want to create a rift and we all approach things in a different way. You can gently point out that your niece is becoming upset with the pressure her mother is putting on her but you may find you're whistling into the wind. I agree with you about all revision and no fun but it might be worth encouraging her to do some whilst she's with you so that her mother doesn't go mad when she gets back home and to stop her mother from being so cross that she prevents her from staying with you again, that would be a terrible shame. How about half an hour three times a day?

I used to think it was the be all and all and was always very proud of the school telling me how bright she is - and she is now at uni and I am still proud and know her capabilities. However, when she was awaiting her A level results (which was v stressful as they really want to get into their first choice uni) and had the worry of all the debt and extra cost to us that goes with uni, I bumped into a mum of a girl from school who was a lovely girl and very average academically. She had just trained to be a beauty therapist and had started work. I realised, that there was something to be said for being average. In addition, I have a nephew who is an electrician. Really lovely and very hard working and no one could be prouder of him than his family are. Finally, my friend is one of 3 girls. Her younger sister hated school and couldn't wait to leave to train as a hairdresser. She did this and her job works in very well with her family. The eldest is academically brilliant and very qualified but chose to go into a badly paid line of work because that was where her heart was. My friend is somewhere in the middle, got a mediocre degree (2.2 from an ex poly) but struggled to give up a very well paid job to spend some more time with her kids and has suffered from depression. She said if she had less qualifications and earned less, she would have found the decision easier. I suppose, in short, she will just realise over time that it isn't that important and that everyone has different qualities, and none more important than the other. I've decided that all I expect from my children is a good work ethic and that may become more apparent when they are a little older.

Sorry the first bit refers to DD1!

How old is she and in what ways is she not "smart" ? Do you hear this from the mother or daughter ? Does sound rather demoralising but sometimes it takes a while of expectations to adjust if parents feel their children are not able it fulfil their hopes. Some kids develop and find their strengths later, so she may surprise you all yet.

Your dd is in a good school, I think I remember from other threads. Is your sister competitive with you? Good stuff, Disney. Let the girl have some fun!

My daughter has promised to go through with her cousin what is needed. She is great fun to be around lively and crazy funny. My daughter has had the bad experience of hot housing so she is more concerned than I am. My niece is having confidence problems which we are going to address this summer.

hopefully she will have a great summer and be happy....

I was guilty as charged for hot housing. Never again.

Kids will learn when their brains kick in. When it does its amazing what they can do. You just need to be there to support them.

BTW dont go on Space mountain ....not a good idea...

Many years ago I was talking to a mum who told me that when her DD left primary school they said "she's a lovely girl, nice manners etc very helpful but well um let's face it not very bright if she applied herself she could become a..... hairdresser hopefully avoid shop work" she went on to an average secondary school but was happy and left with 10 A's at GCSE and went on to a 6th form college got excellent A levels and was doing very well at a RG university.
Being clever isn't everything many super bright don't achieve their potential. Neither does it make you happy, I had a super bright friend with a very successful job who would cheerfully testify to that. The cleverest person I know (Oxbridge at 16 in the 80's so A levels at 15) the worst father I've ever met and a father with leaning disabilities the best and most devoted.

I am sure you realise, Kenlee, that personality counts for a lot. Your niece appears to have that and she also sounds happy. Let's hope her personality shines through and she is not forced to work too hard at her school work. I always enjoy your posts.

Kenlee I loved Space Mountain last year .

You are an amazing and insightful person, you will be a great and supportive influence on your niece.

As you hot housed your dd yourself I can see that the mum might think you are encouraging her to do something you weren't prepared to do yourself. I suppose all you can do is explain why you feel that the hot housing you did yourself was a bad idea and hope she listens.

Kenlee sounds as though your niece will have a lot of fun with you.
I don't know how old she is or when her exams are but perhaps you will be able to show your sister how much more productive lots of rest / fun with a bit of work is than just work during the holidays. Whatever her capacity for academia is, all children need a 'brain holiday' to allow future progress.

What will happen if she doesn't get into the selective schools? Is your sister going to spend the whole time saying how disappointed she is with her daughter. Not everyone is academic. My philosophy with my children has always been I don't care what grades they get as long as they have put in 100% (my DS is lazy so not always 100%)
Your DN could end up with some serious issues if your sister doesn't get a grip.

My DM spent many an hour going on and on about my sister going to uni. And you don't want to know what she said to my daughter because she has chosen to go to uni.

Well I have to say thank you. Yes I have talked about the burn out with my own DD. She has grade 5 Piano...grade 5 ballet...Gets A's.....

The cost is she doesn't like ballet.....She has recently taken up the piano again. The teacher was excellent at school. I think also her peers seem to like to play too. She wouldn't revise even if you blow a gasket.Now Im more laid back. She revises by herself and dare I say will read a book when she is bored.

TBH I don't know if this is distressing or not. We were inthe restaurant waiting for dim sum. DD startes playing double up. A game we use to play so she can learn her times table. DN was excellent could answer in a flash...

So is she just faking it? So she doesn't need to go.

I don't think your niece has been faking it, I think she has been under so much stress that she hasn't been able to perform. With you and your DD she's relaxed, so her ability comes out and she can shine. You've discovered yourself that too much pressure is counter-productive - time for your niece's mum to realise the same thing. Some pressure is inevitable in life, constant pressure and perfectionism is destructive.

You can't judge intelligence on your ability to do times tables! In another life many years ago I taught a high functioning Downs Syndrome man to do times tables, he was really quick, and my DS1 (probably severe dyscalculia) is beyond crap at math, the dog has more idea but when we once worked really hard tables he could to could answer quite quickly times table questions, neither had any real idea why 7x8 is 56 they both just accepted it was!
Bring "funny, lively, crazy funny" is a wonderful gift on its own, one that nearly all of us would love to be. I once worked with this wonderful funny, lively crazy colleague (ok bright but no rocket scientist) he was adored by everyone even thinking about him now 20 years later I start to smile I have such fond memories of him and his enormous sense of humour. On the other hand when I think of the couple of super bright, mega successful friends I feel slightly underwhelmed and think how they're both slightly socially inept, people just didn't take to them