DS (12) feeling schoolwork/homework is relentless

[BlogOnTheTyne]

He keeps saying, "Is this what life's all about then? Just work?" In term-time, his entire life revolves around lessons and then homework - this latter taking up most of the evening and lots of the weekend.

It's all going to get a lot harder too, as he gets nearer to public exams. He's happy at school - socially - and holding his own academically (v academically selective school) and wouldn't want to change schools.

It's more an attitude of mind and a reality and he sees me working most of my waking hours anyway (solo mum/ fully self employed/ family solely reliant on my income). I can't really say to him - by example - 'actually it's not all about work', when this feels a bit like the reality to me too.

However, when I was 12, I certainly didn't have a life revolving around work and exams and there seemed a lot more downtime. Is he a product of the 21st century and will just have to find a way of tolerating life as it is - or is there much I can say or do to help him feel differently?

I completely agree with you CecilyP that in the ideal world no child should get stressed by schoolwork. However the reality is that even from an earlier age some children find life and time management stressful and that means that they find it very difficult to properly relax and have perspective which in turn makes them even more anxious. In those cases a crisis may be averted by intervention even if just amounts to learning some simple breathing exercises or a way of tackling tasks.
The school should also be asked to do their part here and manage their teachers better so that less homework is needed.

I'm confused, is OP paying fees now for this selective school that works her son to the bone & makes him depressed? She's working long hours for the privilege of this experience?

This is what most people do when they choose private, they want a school that will make their child work hard & they want to see their child working hard to feel they get their money's worth. The school isn't going to change since most the parents want exactly what OP's son has. There was a whole story on BBC the other day about the Asian view of childhood as an intense training period. Certainly not an age of innocence.

I guess you have to decide what you both want, OP, there are trade-offs & compromises no matter what.

So the good news is that he completed 7 HWs in under 3 hrs whilst I was working and the other two he says he can't do as he's supposed to do them with a friend and will do them tomorrow at school (lunchtime).

Last year (Yr 7) the Head of Year got a few children (DS included) to keep a real record of how long HW took as other parents had complained about exactly what CQ says - different subject teachers were unaware that their colleagues had already set masses of HW, so it all accumulated. DS didn't dare record exactly how long each subject took him - but was more or less honest - indicating things like a 25 mins HW was taking 1.5 hrs.

He was by no means taking much longer than anyone else, although he has a bit of a problem with settling down to work and focusing on the task in hand - but he's become much better with this. Anyway, the result of that close monitoring of HW time was......nothing....It seems that in Yr 8, they get given even more.

I suspect many parents are reluctant to admit that their child is taking so long to do the HW as they believe everyone else's child is super-efficient and much more intelligent. Also, to make a bid deal of this - enough to contact HOY, will draw unwanted attention to DS.

In Yr 7, teachers/tutors would always just say the party line anyway - ie "Get him to stop after the allotted time" - but no child at this school is likely to want to do this if all his peers are completing everything.

He's not at all desperately unhappy BTW. He has a great time with friends at school, is v sociable, adores spending time doing computer imagery design for fun at home (he'd do this all day if he could) and only gets migraines every so often - at the start of term, the end of term or when there is extra pressure. He wouldn't stand out in any way as stressed, compared to his peers.

It's more his sense of the montonous, relentlessness of a 'working life', although i keep telling him that it's not at all all about work. However, because he and other DC are desperate to stay at their school, above all else (in fact they've half-joked they'll disown me when they're 18 if I can't keep up the the school fees and they have to leave!), I'm having to work harder and harder myself and so I'm not able to model a balanced life for them.

Given I only get 1.5 days off a week from paid work and in that time off, I have to fit in all the business admin. and the entire week's laundry/housework/shopping etc etc, I'm too tired to want to fit in extra activities too, like we did when the DCs were younger. It may be that he's 'picking up' my stress and 'translating this into his own view of life - as I certainyl work far far harder than he does, of course. With this in junction to his school life (from 7.30am when I drop them off until around 4.45pm when they come home and then till around 7.00pm till they finish HW), it feels as if all life is work.

All that said, I'm about to start on the domestic tasks now, having made and fed them their lunch straight after work and DS has the rest of the day off!

Blog - can you afford to get some home help? To free up your free time. A cleaner 3 hrs a week will be able to keep main cleaning done, put some washing in etc. Then maybe you can all have at least some chill time.
Could you fit in sat afternoon/ eve as family time? Out for a film/ meal/ walk etc

Poor Blog we obviously missed the subtext that you are the one who needs their 'homework' reducing. You should think seriously of getting some help even if it's only every 2-3 weeks.

Thanks. The thing is, I absolutely can't afford any kind of paid help. I used to have a cleaner a few years ago but right now, I'm trying to keep us living off about 100 a week as school fees and tax swallow almost all my income.

I'm desperately trying to find ways of saving money and so can't even afford paid activities or holiday clubs for the DCs anymore. The house is massively messy too, as I don't get any time really, during the week, to keep on top of anything other than the absolute basics (ie wiping round areas where food is prepared, whizzing round bathrooms with antibac wipes). It's got to be easily a year since I dusted and in any one day, I can't find a moment to do simple stuff like unstack the dishwasher, except when making DCs supper at night, before then returning to work.

That said, I could have done some housework in the last hour or so but chose to knock a tennis ball around in the garden with DCs, to spend some time with them and keep us all a bit active and am now about to cook them another meal/snack, before returning to paperwork.

So if and when I do get a tiny bit of time, I'll always prioritise the DCs before anything - but work demands take up virtually all the rest of the time. Have done two loads of laundry today too, however but once it's dry, it sits in laundry baskets for days and I never get time to hang it all up.

Meanwhile, at least DS is now chilling out in front of PC, having at least been physically active for a bit and I've also spent a v v long time supporting other DC (who has Asps traits) - about a social situation he's worried about. So I feel I've given a bare minumum to them for now and have to get back to paperwork.

Oh blog it all sounds like such a treadmill!!!

Are you really sure that this school is worth this level of stress? I admire you for trying to give a wonderful start in life and education, but this is a very hard price to pay ...

I agree with wordfactory - you children's childhood isn't sounding like much fun for you at all. It sounds as though you feel you have to endure it, because your children have told you they'll disown you, otherwise! I don't suppose your the poster who posted a long while back about having difficulties with the prep school that fed into this school, are you, but feeling you had to put up with it to get into the academic secondary and because your ds with aspie traits wouldn't cope with going anywhere else? If you are, then you really do seem to be having a lousy time with your children's education!

(sorry, "you're")

If life is that much of a struggle I would stop the school fees. Send to a local school. Use the money for trips/ cleaner/ tutor/ fun

Dusting is seriously overrated . I would perhaps have a serious talk with both your DS and tell them that if they want to stay at this school they need to do some extra help in the house. Dishwasher, hoovering, doing their laundry, cooking simple meals is well within the capabilities of 12 year olds even boys! Draw up a rota, it may make them feel better by knowing that they are doing something to help you and working as a team. If they are grumpy about it then be firm.

I don't mean to bang on about it, but I really would go back to the school and ask them about the homework review they did last year. What did they conclude? Why was no further action taken, as far as you could see? Tell them you feel it's got even worse.

Year 8 for both of my 2 DC's felt like 'the year that time forgot' - Yr 7 is the big settling in year, Yr 9 is options year. Year 8? Let them tread water. And absolutely so. This is the last few precious months before the real pressure starts piling on for GCSE's. Although my DS, now Yr 10, feels it's easier in many ways because he's been able to drop the subjects he hates.

I know we pay these independent schools lots of money to ensure that our kids are given every possible opportunity. This does not equate to a constant treadmill of deadlines and pressure. And I'm sure most of the teachers at your DS's school don't think so either. If the teachers are having to set so much homework then something's not right at school - they are not getting through the curriculum, so maybe not great teachers - or there's maybe too much disruption in class so they are not finishing the required sections in time.

Please please please go back to the school and make a fuss. Ask around some of the other parents - I bet he's not the only one. It will not 'come back on' your DS - these schools are here to make money and will not risk looking unprofessional.

A wise woman once said to me that we have to be our children's advocates at school. The teachers and the school are working to their own agendas, and no-one else, however good, cares about your children as much as you do.

Get in there and be proactive. For your whole family's sakes.

Children with processing issues are slower than their peers and the effort makes them more tired. I am surprised the school hasn't suggested a more personalised h/w timetable for your son. I have a child of a similar age at a selective independent with processing issues and we are instructed to stop after a certain time and to keep in touch in case of overload. The extra sleep needed is typical.

If he doesn't learn to love his work - which means it must be manageable - there is a high chance he won't be getting the grades you hope as by 16/18 they need to want to work rather than see it as a slog. Please go and see the school. It does sound as if you are exhausting yourself too though.

I would also say OP, that both my DC have at different times asked to do things which made family life difficult - DS wanted to be a chorister, DD wanted to appear in a West End production.

I agreed to both, but the quid pro quo was that they never whinged and that they had to help with things that would normally take place in the time now being taken up by said activity.

Can I suggest you have a similar discussion with your son?

Stress is a killer for academic performance and the tipping point is very individual. My experience, FWIW, is that the right home support can alleviate the perceived burden of too much school work and, as a parent, providing you have the availability and the skills, you can help your DCs achieve to their full potential without feeling anxious. It might be very draining for you, however!

Living in physical chaos and within a tight budget cannot be doing anything for your DC's stress levels, OP.

Tbh, I think the only thing you can really do to stop your ds thinking life is one endless slog is to stop endlessly slogging yourself. Your entire life is set up to give your ds the lesson he is expressing to you, that life is a slog.

Your endless slogging is a lifestyle choice, not a necessity. You have chosen to spend all your spare cash on one thing, which is now the centre of your and your children's universe - their school.

Thinking about this overnight I'm wondering if you think the school business is really sustainable. From what you've said, there isn't much room for you to increase your income (in your current occupation,) but fees and expenses will be rising inexorably.

It's clear that your Dcs love the school, perhaps it's time to find out how much the school loves your DCs. What would happen if you arranged a meeting to say that you really need some fee assistance in order to keep them there. (I know you've said your DS is not in all the top sets - but he's already there and wouldn't be if he didn't have plenty to offer.)

If the school can help - you get to work a little less and have time to cheer up your DS. If they won't help - what are you working for? Look for another school and bookmark some holiday sites.....

I think Zero's ideas are helpful. As for the moving to a different school, mine have had to move schools quite a lot. It isn't an attractive prospect but is not as hard as you might think and they have thrived. The elder two, now at university, believe it helped their resilience and flexibility and it didn't harm their academics.

There are a lot of schools, both state and private, that seem to think handing out a lot of homework makes them look impressive.
One of the things we liked about dd's school was the ahead saying that they work them at full tilt all day, so in the lower school, homework was for finishing off, and should never be more than an hour a night- usually much less.

What do the kids at your school do about matches and performances, OP? Don't you think it's sad that they can never go to Scouts, or suddenly decide they want to take up bell ringing or something? You can't get better than an A* at GCSE- and you can get that without working all the hours God sends. Where is the enrichment that private schools usually provide?

I agree with Martorana.

Ds is at an independent school which is non-selective but which achieves ~50% A and A* at GCSE. They manage this with less than an hour's homework per night and probably 3 hours per wkend tops in KS3 (ds is in top sets; I imagine middle and bottom have less - looking at the hmwk on the intranet, anyway). Ds is also a child who procrastinates, looks out of the window, has slowish processing and is a perfectionist.

Ds (yr 8) doesn't do much out of school anymore, but most of his friends practise instruments every day, or are choristers, or go to Scouts, play lots of sports etc etc. He does have time for oodles of reading, drawing, writing and playing though.

As another poster said, you can't get higher than A* at GCSE, and that is reasonably easily achievable for a bright child in a good school where the pace and content of lessons is good and there is little to no disruption. I'm not exactly sure why your school need to set so much homework. You really do need to work out how much of it is meaningful and how long exactly other dc are taking over it.

I don't think your current balance is sustainable for any of you, so a conversation with school and with your dc (why are they so keen on their current school if the work is making them so unhappy) seems crucial at this point.

Good luck to you all.

In addition to all of the above, another important consideration in your family decisions is whether there is the possibility of a move to a good state sixth form (which will shorten the duration of your present stressful life-work balance).

Thanks for the further feedback and haven't had time to come back on and reply to everyone!

Have now emailed the HOY to query a homework audit carried out last year and explained DS's current difficulties and will see where that gets me.

Should just re-emphasise that DCs LOVE their school and would really, really hate to leave at this stage. I've already spoken to them about the financial situation and suggested the possibility of the local state 6th form college (which is excellent). So far, both are very keen to remain at their current school.

I presume that if there were just a little easing off of homework demands, plus an improvement in his processing and concentration, then DS would feel happier. I think it's just the sheer relentlessness of each week, having to get up early, do a long day, come home and work again and then get maybe 30 mins before bedtime to do anything other than HW - that's making DS feel fed up.

Teenage hormones must also be contributing to his feelings too, I suppose and then of course my own busy life, exemplifying the treadmill of work.

Because of how hard the DCs work at school and on HW, I'm always reluctant to make them help more domestically.

Other children do plenty of outside activities - like sport etc - but we can't afford anything that costs more money and there really isn't time for me to take them to things at weekends, unless it's a quick drop off at school for a one off activity, as I work on Saturdays. Because I work in the evenings, I can't pick them up from school later in the evening anyway. But they already feel there's too much on and prefer some downtime - if they can only get it.

Thinking about some of DS's peers, there are those (lots of girls and some of the very bright boys) who have excellent organisational skills, plus a huge aptitude for subjects that are very factually based - eg Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Biology etc. So for them, they'll just get down to work efficiently, find the content of the work easy (and some of these children work ahead of the cohort anyway) and whisk through any homework, leaving time to practice musical instruments, do sports etc etc.

Other peers struggle more than DS or have a more slapdash attitude towards work than he does. The former spend even longer that DS on homework and are adversely affected by greater processing issues or perfectionistic and obsessive tendencies. The latter dash off any HW at odd times - like on the way home or at break - don't care how they do but are bright enough to remain in the school.

DS is sort of in the middle, in terms of ability, has slight - but not horrendous - processing difficulties and sometimes perseverates on work and sometimes dashes it off. I think the school is a good fit for him and the main thing is that he's happy there and wouldn't want to leave.

I think we'd all prefer if though if there were much less HW and then only specific work that is going to be useful for progress - not work for work's sake (think drawing cartoons of a Shakespearean play or theatre, designing posters for History etc etc - which he occasionally gets and feels to me like a waste of time, as he'll take hours over this!)

Well, there is no way I would allow a regime which only allows 30 minutes of down time a day- that just ridiculous. There are loads of activities that don't cost much-scouts is a couple of quid-and very soon they won't need taking. And anyway- 30 minutes isn't long enough to read or listen to music- or just stare into space. You need to do something, Blog- it really can't carry on like this. The school is setting a ridiculous and unnecessary amount of homework.