DS (12) feeling schoolwork/homework is relentless

[BlogOnTheTyne]

He keeps saying, "Is this what life's all about then? Just work?" In term-time, his entire life revolves around lessons and then homework - this latter taking up most of the evening and lots of the weekend.

It's all going to get a lot harder too, as he gets nearer to public exams. He's happy at school - socially - and holding his own academically (v academically selective school) and wouldn't want to change schools.

It's more an attitude of mind and a reality and he sees me working most of my waking hours anyway (solo mum/ fully self employed/ family solely reliant on my income). I can't really say to him - by example - 'actually it's not all about work', when this feels a bit like the reality to me too.

However, when I was 12, I certainly didn't have a life revolving around work and exams and there seemed a lot more downtime. Is he a product of the 21st century and will just have to find a way of tolerating life as it is - or is there much I can say or do to help him feel differently?

[Martorana]

Just for comparison- my dd is in year 13, doing 4 essay heavy A levels, predicted As and A*s, and she has loads more free time than your ds has.

[ggirl]

Good lord I'm exhausted listening to these schedules.
I also don't see why so much HW!
My dd got all A*/A at gcse and As at alevels , goes to RG uni ...all from the local comp , they did have homework but no way near that amount!

Hope you achieve a good balance soon OP.

[ApocalypticBlackHorseman]

He has my sympathies, my DD is 14 and she has been getting ridiculous amounts of homework; apart from 3 hours on Saturday morning she was working all day Saturday and Sunday and missed her sports club because of the amount of work. She also did 4 full days work over half term and hardly has any fun at all any more, when she is not working she is so tired that she goes to bed early.

[ApocalypticBlackHorseman]

I just looked at the school homework policy, for my DD it is for between 11 and 16 hours of homework a week. That's a non-selective state school for years 10 and 11.

[Martorana]

Apocalptic- I hope you have already been in touch with the school to query the amount of homework your dd is getting. Unless it's in the run up to exams, nobody should have to miss a sports club for homework at the weekend.

[ApocalypticBlackHorseman]

Not yet, I am going to sit down with her tonight and go through her homework diary and list what she has had and then discuss with the school how long they expect it to take; if it is between 11-16 hours then, well, we will see - I don't know what I will do.

[HisMum4]

improvement in his processing and concentration

Blog, I would like to share our experience, just to highlight other factors you might consider.

My DS is in year 11, GCSE year at a grammar school. The homework thread-mill has been as relentless as you describe and DS struggled to cope. Like in your case, my DS spends much more time doing homework than his peers, but the others seem to cope well. My DS is very bright and doing well at school, in top sets, so ability is not the issue. The reasons for my DS difficulties are his special needs. Asperger's syndrome and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). The latter particularly contributes to DS's issues with homework. The medication for ADHD exists and is very effective, especially in the first few years once it's started.

ADHD medication, if appropriate will certainly help with concentration and staying on task.

I am not saying your DS has SN, but you might just explore this, to rule it out, if anything. If you never considered SN before, just would like to add that it has nothing to do with intellectual ability or with looking and behaving normal. Most bright kids with ADHD and ASD would be very hard to spot!

[BlogOnTheTyne]

HisMum4, DS has always had sub-clinical traits towards ADHD and my other DC has Asperger's traits but neither is sufficiently challenged, to merit medication or intervention. However, the school are aware that DS has processing difficulties and in fact re-tested him last term, as he used to get extra time in exams.

Unfortunately, although there's a gap between his processing speed and ability, it's not at all a big enough gap to merit extra time in exams, so this has bene withdrawn. He's also not nearly the most challenged child in his year - through processing difficulties - and there are other childrne who literally will spend unecessary hours on small HWs. DS's problems are mild by comparison, so school 'awareness' doesn't translate into daily individual special conditions.

He's actually doing fine academically - so again this means the school won't necessarily highlight any problems he might be having.

Still waiting to hear back since I emailed the school about the recent HW audit and the fact that DS had 14 subjects last week.

[Martorana]

Blog- what's good about this school? Your ds is overloaded with unnecessary work, his specific needs are not being met, they do a homework audit and don't reveal the results.................f

[HisMum4]

Blog, I understand he is doing fine academically, as he obviously must be very bright. However your OP suggests this comes at a cost as he is overwhelmed by the time it takes him to do all the homework in an academic school. Both of you seem to be emotionally drained by this and there could be impact on your DS mental health, motivation and self esteem. You will continue hearing questions whether your DS is in the right school for him, but the problem will follow him to any school. In the run up towards GCSEs and beyond the pressure will increase even further. So, I would argue that he is sufficiently challenged with the workload at home to consider medication.

You might consider lurking or posting on the SN board to voice some of your concerns about medication. I understand people can have reservations. For me it was a straight forward no brainer decision that made a huge difference for my DS overnight. SN is a minefield of complex arrangements where parents have limited control. ADHD medication is one of few areas where your choice can make an immediate big difference.

For proper diagnosis and prescription of medication DC need to be referred to the Psychiatrist and the diagnostic questionnaires, i.e. box ticking should reflect the real everyday very significant effect inattention is having on your DS school/life balance.

[HisMum4]

Blog, wanted to add that itt is very normal that the new challenges of the curriculum draw out some of the SN problems, make them more obvious and acute, so it is entirely appropriate you ask the school and your GP to revisit the issue of diagnisis and Special Needs provisions in light of his challenges with school/life balance. This problem will not go away.

My DS had a friend in primary school who also has ASD, but never had problems with concentration and time management, so he is coping with workload at a very demanding grammar school OK. That boy also is on School Action. My DS is much more 'severe', he has a Statement in another equally demanding grammar school. So academic ability and achievement are not at all the gauges whether diagnosis or provisions are necessary. If your DS struggles to cope at 12, I would act urgently as it will be more difficult to initiate all those processes with age and there might be a risk that the impact will cristalise in your DS's lower grades.

[BlogOnTheTyne]

Have I given too polarised a view here? I need to say that DS LOVES his school and today, for example, had a great time, good connections with friends, not too much HW tonight - hence an attitude shift...some great test results (92% and 85%) in a couple of subjects. He's currently laughing with his sibling and has been talking avidly about a friend/social thing he's planning.

So it's not an ongoing everyday, chronic issue - just that there's an underlying sense of endless HW that wipes him out from time to time.

He's by no means at a level where I'd even consider any kind of medication. He just isn't in that category and has been tested many many times and never fallen within any clinically diagnostic category. Like lots of children, he has minor issues - in his case, with processing and, when younger, some attentional difficulties which he's now mostly outgrown.

He's basically just fed up with too much HW - so I don't want to give the impression he's in need of medical help. The issue is much more about how, in current society and in this type of school and with this current situation at home, he can realise that life isn't all about work and that whilst i might model this, right now - it's not the case for lots of people, even given the pressures to perform in exams and beyond.

There are other children in his cohort who are struggling much more than he is, academically and with processing issues. I think with DS, it's a combination of objectively, too many HW subjects and the daily addition of more - so you never have a feeling of keeping on top of it, plus his attitude of finding it hard to settle down to it at times (though this improves year by year with him) plus the 'family' model of "always working/no time for fun".

Talking of which, I need to make supper now and then get back to work myself!!

[ancientandmodern]

Blog reading your posts, I'm struck by your DC joking that you have to keep paying for them to be at an independent school till they are 18. Just wondering if they have picked up on how hard you are working to achieve this, and how bloody the whole experience is proving, and so are saying this as a way of acknowledging your sacrifices, rather than as an absolute indication of their views re the school? Certainly, it is extremely common for children who have been at an independent school to be encouraged by parents to consider a state 6th form (there is, in fact, a whole group of parents who think this is a useful device for getting round RG universities views on widening access, but that is a different topic!). Anyway, at a minimum I would say you are well within your rights to continue to consider 6th a break point, which at least hacks some time of the school fee payments treadmill.

[Martorana]

Are you absolutely sure you want to carry on this relentless treadmill- no time, no fun- just to pay school fees? Might it be a good idea to have a revaluation session- it does sound as if nobody in your family is having any fun.

[mulv2222]

I am shocked that someone would suggest medicating a child to enable them to complete hw?! What is this world coming to?!

I also wondered as another poster did that by you sacrificing so much of your time and enjoyment of life that you are only increasing the pressure to succeed on your ds. If he can't cope, or hell forbid doesn't make good grades, he will an enormous sense of guilt in what you have sacrificed for him.

[HisMum4]

mulv, this self righteous accusations against medicating children with special needs are very unhelpful. OP confirmed that her DS was assessed for a number of conditions, but was judged below the threshold. Would you also advise those with depression against taking medication? This is a matter for health professionals and victimizing parents for taking medical advice fails those children.

I know a few parents in denial of their DC SN for fear of being stigmatized and discriminated against. Private schools are not interested in properly identifying special needs, if the implication will have cost consequences for them. Typically this results in child being pushed out transferred to another school, or parents being asked to pay 100% of the 1:1 support, i.e. a full TA salary..., which OP wants to avoid at all cost.

I think OP needs a few options /scenarios to consider if her DS would no longer cope with the status quo. Diagnosis, medication and proper assessment of her DS needs is the only way to reconcile high academic demands with 'processing and concentration' problems.

[BlogOnTheTyne]

Well I do keep telling him regularly that finding something to do that makes you happy is far more important than getting a string of good exam results and a first class degree and he knows that his happiness is my top priority.

He's surrounded though by people where the adults are all high achievers and may also high earners and has yet to see that there are many ways of living life and being happy, even though I tell him this.

I've contemplated several times over the years whether DCs should chnage schools and I keep coming back to the fact that they're very happy there, DS has good friends and other DC with Asps traits would sink like a stone in some of the local schools and thrives in his current school.

So I feel compelled to work had so they can stay with the good parts of their current school, even if there's more academic pressure than some other schools. I think they'd be very unhappy if they had to leave the school at this point. However, both are clear that lots of their peers may go to the local 6th form college and DS may well take that route, (defintiely aware of the potential advantages of then getting into a RG Uni from state) although his Asps bro. would probably thrive better where he is.

[BlogOnTheTyne]

HisMum4, I know you're trying to be helpful but DS really isn't in the category of people who need medication. However, I understand that this can really help many people, where this is appropriate. DS doesn't have any issues at a medically diagnosable level - is well under that level - just has some tendencies, which we all do, in our own various ways.

[Martorana]

But I just don't understand the academic pressure thing. How come loads of schools- like my dd's, and possibly your local school (maybe check it out before being so sure he would "sink like a stone" by the way)- get loads of As and A *s without putting this much pressure on them ever, alone at 14!

[summerends]

Blog going back to my comments about your DSs helping out with housework, most of us let our DC not do very much around the house during termtime but holidays are a good time for them to help.
It sounds as though they both have lots of activities / sport at school so don't feel bad about them not doing anything out of school especially as the interests that you mention.

[mulv2222]

His4mum - it's not about being self righteous, op never expressed her concern over ds having sn. He had too much hw. I am ghowever glad that you have found a solution that works for you.

[HisMum4]

mulv, all children in selective schools have too much h/w and they all cope with the workload easily... I think it is generally unhelpful to make statements that discourage parents to diagnose and assess SN in their DC.

[woodrunner]

Blog, glad he's had a happier few days.

Sometimes I realise I want DC to be happy all the time, and that's an undue pressure too. they are allowed to feel overwhelmed at times and have a gripe and get a bit existentially angsty. Teenagers do. Sounds like your DS is doing well.

[Martorana]

"mulv, all children in selective schools have too much h/w and they all cope with the workload easily.."

No they don't and no they don't.

[HisMum4]

Martorana, what do you know about selective schools?