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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Anyone else think this is odd?

23 replies

AhBut · 17/02/2014 11:44

DS started year 7 in September, seems to have built up a group of new friends who he hangs around with in school and Skypes/Minecrafts with out of school.
Has invited some to his party - paintballing - and not a single response from parents, despite clearly asking them to RSVP. When he asks the kids all say they're coming or probably coming, and they'll get their mums to text me. But nothing.
How long do I leave it? I need to pay per place, but at this rate it'll only be DS and his dad!!
Is this normal at secondary, and is it just me thinking people are really rude? Any ideas what to do?
Thanks!

OP posts:

AtiaoftheJulii · 17/02/2014 12:39

Can you get direct contact details for the parents? 11/12 year olds aren't always the best at passing on invitations. Tell your ds that you can only book for those who have confirmed, and hopefully he will have a good incentive to get mobile numbers or email addresses!

yourlittlesecret · 17/02/2014 13:03

Yes it's a tricky transition from knowing all your DC classmates and their mums in primary to knowing no-one at secondary. You also have to move from organising activities yourself to them doing it. With boys in particular it's painful.
I don't think it's rudeness, more that they are relying on their DC to RSVP. If they have older children they will be used to this.
Is it booked? Do they have a time? Perhaps you could offer lifts to one or two?

lljkk · 17/02/2014 13:11

If he skypes & that he can pressure them for a landline numbers & you can ring to verify they know all the details.

BackforGood · 17/02/2014 13:14

What yourlittlesecret said.
Generally, parties become much less of a thing as dc get older, so it's quite unusual to have a party where people get formal invites and then need to be booked in. Boys in particular are notoriously bad at hadning over any letters to their parents, so I suspect the parents don't know anything about it. You need to be clear to your ds it won't be happening unless you hear from them by such and such date.

titchy · 17/02/2014 13:17

Has he handed out printed invitations with your mobile number on? If he has then I think I'd have to agree with Atia and say only where a parent has confirmed by phone or text can the place be booked.

titchy · 17/02/2014 13:19

It is a transition but where it's an organised party and you're paying for places it is prefectly reasonable to make sure a parent has confirmed, particulaly with boys!

Wait till they're in year 10 and all parties are organised via Facebook..... Now that's a joy....

Original poster

AhBut · 17/02/2014 13:29

Thanks all, helpful to have a perspective from those who have been there before!
Yes they are printed invites with my number on. DS knows that they can only come if they confirm as I have to pay per head, and as we are driving them all from our house to the venue there are a limited number of seats in the cars so I don't want to over-invite!
I don't want to come across as arsey to the parents, so I like the idea of getting their numbers then I can call parents to confirm they've got the invite. Good idea lljkk, I'll get him on to the task of gathering numbers.
It was so much easier when I knew all the parents!!

OP posts:

AtiaoftheJulii · 17/02/2014 13:40

so it's quite unusual to have a party where people get formal invites and then need to be booked in

Oh, that hasn't been our experience, on the whole - there have been more activity parties, such as go karting or climbing, that need definite numbers, than the more casual events.

My son has a class list of parent contact details, which is really useful! Think of this as a good chance to start building up your own :-)

BackforGood · 17/02/2014 13:45

Oh - it has been my experience of 3 dc at 2 different secondary schools.
However, I do agree with the "Start compiling a list of numbers now" thing. I keep a list of any number that I get for any reason - be it my dcs' friends phones or their parents, you'd be amazed how useful this has been over the years. People you don't think they hang out with anymore, reappear in the 'circle' a couple of years later, and tracking down your dc when their phone is lost/broken/out of charge/ etc is useful too.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 17/02/2014 13:49

My DS paintballing party is currently being organised over bbm and texts.
I am leaving him to it, tbh but he is 15. If he says 9 people are coming, fine. I'm not about to chase up the parents to confirm.
Either they turn up, with their signed consent forms or I don't pay for them. Pay per play seemed the best option in this case.
15 year old boys are not the most reliable or organised.

lljkk · 17/02/2014 13:51

Besides, what if you had to cancel last minute due to illness, or since you are waiting for them to arrive to give them lifts, you need their numbers in case they are running late. So good to have all their contact numbers for other reasons.

Whyjustwhy · 17/02/2014 13:57

Fom memory, I think we had to leave a contact number at paint-balling parties, so I insisted in having a contact number for the parents of each child before we went so I could keep the list with me.

yourlittlesecret · 17/02/2014 16:15

BackforGood I also stash away phone numbers I manage to acquire. It feels a bit stalkerish but as you say they have come in handy more than once in tracking down "missing" DC.
I'd have thought having a class list was something only done at infant school, not least because at secondary school they don't just have one class.
They do often need a parental consent form signed for paint ball. That could be a useful way to get confirmation?

BackforGood · 17/02/2014 16:34

Yes, yourlittlesecret - as I was writing it I thought someone might think I was some odd stalker type person , but there have been several occasions over the years when I've been glad I've kept someone's number.
I too would be very surprised at e-mail lists for the class - my dc only have form time and about 2 subjects in their class groups, they are not the same people they 'hang out' with, who come from all sorts of different groupings.

TeenAndTween · 17/02/2014 16:35

No chance there was a phone number typo on the invitation?

yourlittlesecret · 17/02/2014 16:46

BackforGood I "lost" DS1 once. He was 13 and it was one his first trips out without adults. He went to a big organised bonfire display in the next village with a funfair etc. I arranged to pick him up in the village square and he didn't show and didn't answer his phone, there were millions of people about. Eventually I rang a (stashed) mobile number for the mum of one of his friends and managed to track him down.
He got a huge from me about failing to maintain contact and I'd like to say he never did it again but it wouldn't be true.

BackforGood · 17/02/2014 21:43

Yes, I've lost ds on more than one occasion, when he's just gone somewhere, forgotten the time, and not has his phone on and within hearing distance - it's been great being able to phone a friend or two at these times.

Nocomet · 17/02/2014 22:24

In my experience the more ways teens have of contacting each other, the less likely they are to obtain a simple answer to a simple question.

Thus the likelihood of firm arrangements, with agreed start and end times, is, with home & mobile numbers, text, face time, Email, school email, KIK messenger and instergram precisely zero.

Seeing the offending people in the flesh at school or Guides doesn't help either. It drives me mad!

Like as not by tomorrow night, I shall have to ring the DM of a 17yo, because DD1 and her can't get their acts together.

Rabbitcar · 17/02/2014 23:17

My DD is in y8. She had a recent birthday party, and she invited the guests and kept a tally of the numbers and reported back to me. Parents not involved at all. Think it's secondary school.

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 17/02/2014 23:32

My DD1 also started secondary school in September and had her birthday in December. She went bowling with 3 friends and all were given invites with my number on, in fact one girls parents supposedly said she couldn't go without one, but I didn't hear from any parent until the actual day.

RudyMentary · 17/02/2014 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stressedbutblessed · 18/02/2014 05:46

My experience of Y7 this year too even though clear& easy rsvp. Needed to confirm numbers had to chase for confirmation finally by Dd getting parents numbers via text. Difficult age as many cant independently confirm. personally think its rude.

Original poster

AhBut · 18/02/2014 07:41

I thought that, TeenandTween, but checked and number is correct!
Have managed to get 3 parent numbers now so will text in the way lbjkk suggested and hopefully get a response. DS will be working on getting the others.
Am reassured but gobsmacked by your experiences, Amelia and Stressed, I really think that's rude. But I'm an old fashioned girl!
Am so glad I posted, thanks for all the advice - I'll be building my own bank of phone numbers for the years to come in preparedness for losing him some day!

OP posts:

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