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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Coping with DD boarding

24 replies

Ceebeejay · 21/02/2013 10:10

My youngest DD (year 7) started boarding in September - she moved from a day school purely for the school's sporting reputation. It was half term last week and we spent a few nights in a hotel as she had so many sporting commitments away from home. She has now gone back and I am missing her so much - I have really been thinking about moving her to a day school. So many things are happening - she has a first boyfriend for example and I am finding it hard to not see her and talk to her.
I have also started to find fault with the school - they are not doing what they promised regards her sports training etc and it now suddenly seems important and a potential reason to move her.
Are there any boarding parents out there who went through this sort of emotion and how did you cope with it? Sorry if I am coming over as silly - I'm not usually - I run my own business etc so this has taken me by surprise!
Any help would be appreciated - thanks

OP posts:

goinggetstough · 21/02/2013 12:40

Hi, of course it is natural to miss your DD. It probably seems worse as her sports commitments meant that you didnt have her at home for the full half term either. Is your daughter happy at the school and enjoying the sport? If she is that's great. Have you had a meeting to discuss her sports training? It might be something that is easily sorted out? Are you close enough to watch the sport?

I know I found it harder when my youngest DC went to boarding school. I found the worst time was about 4pm when they would have normally come home from school. So I made sure I was busy at this time.

As for boyfriends, she is growing up. DDs have boyfriends in day schools too!

Even though you feel sad at the moment I am sure you picked the school because you felt it would be great for her so do give it a chance. DCs pick up on their parents' feelings so do be careful not to just look for faults with the school. I am sure there must be a number of positives too or you would not have selected it in the first place!!

Good luck!

happygardening · 21/02/2013 18:14

I think about my DS2 most days and we're entering our 9th year of boarding (he's boarded from yr 2). Obviously I miss him but when I know thats he's happy, participating in lots of activities, doing well academically, has lots of friends but is still allowed to be himself etc etc. Then for me the positives out weigh the negatives of missing him and not being part of all the things he does.
BUT in the last two years of his prep school the pendulum swung the other way. He was exceedingly miserable, the opportunities to do other things outside of the classroom were not there for him, he could not conform, he did well in his entrance exam to his senior school but not as well as he could have done because the teaching was mediocre at best, he didn't like the main sports and his own chosen sport was becoming increasingly marginalised. The disadvantages out weigh the advantages and then missing them becomes a significant issue. We can all be clever in retrospect but my greatest regret was not moving him to another prep for the last two years (he said he didn't want to leave).
He is now very happy and Im happy, missing him yes but also believing in what I'm doing.

WishIdbeenatigermum · 21/02/2013 18:19

Really Happygardener?
Most days?
I'm ambivalent about boarding btw, not against, I have 2 boarding atm- don't underestimate the emotional impact of them being away. For both of you.

Maryz · 21/02/2013 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derektheladyhamster · 21/02/2013 19:44

I couldn't believe how much I missed my son when he first started boarding. It was a physical ache. It's half term here this week, and luckily he's been home all week, but it's getting closer to Sunday and I can feel the pressure building Luckily after a few days it's much better.

I feel that the school is the best place for my son, but it's bloody hard on me.

vivatregina · 21/02/2013 20:29

All my children have boarded but sending the final two was awful - am still unable to listen to Gardener's Question time on Friday pm. as that was the time Id have the radio on in the car when picking them up from the playing fields of their Scottish day school. We move countries regularly so its a question of continuity for them but is it worth it? I doubt it - they practically all get to uni/college anyway and even at Oxbridge boarders are in the minority now. I actually think family input is more imp. than anything school can provide - I had a 'privileged' education - can't remember much about it tbh - except the really weird stuff.

happygardening · 21/02/2013 22:03

"I actually think family input is more important than anything a school can provide"
Obviously I don't agree my DS has opportunities that I can't provide in a million years and that I believe are vitally important to his development and him as a person. I readily accept that all children are different what one needs/wants/enjoys isn't what others want/need/enjoy you cannot make generalisations.
But most importamtly I love my DS to pieces and miss him and like Derek am painfully aware that 1/2 term is nearly over and but if I take the long view I cannot help but see how boarding and the many opportunities he has experienced over the years and currently does and will experience is making him into the person he is. For those anti boarders; I'm sorry to shatter your illusion he's definitely not dysfunctional sociopath unable to form deep and meaningful relationships In fact as someone he met the other day said (a dyed in the wool anti boarder) "Your really very normal aren't you"

choirmum · 21/02/2013 23:47

I don't think this needs to become a for or against boarding thread. OP your rollercoaster of emotions are entirely normal and would be exactly the same if she was in a day school. It's the fact that you're not in control on a day to day basis which can make small issues become big ones. If she's generally happy and settled, and the school can reassure you on the points you've raised, you've made the right decision. I have a DS now in Year 9 at a day school and a DD in Year 6 at a boarding choir school (where her brother was until last July) and we've never regretted the decisions we've made. That doesn't mean it's always easy though! Chin up, you'll both be fine x

complexnumber · 22/02/2013 13:06

"For those anti boarders; I'm sorry to shatter your illusion he's definitely not dysfunctional sociopath unable to form deep and meaningful relationships"

Very defensive, considering noone has posted any explicitly anti-boarding comments.

titchy · 22/02/2013 13:24

Sorry happygardening but I have to say I find this part of your post tragically sad:

"I actually think family input is more important than anything a school can provide"
Obviously I don't agree ....."

happygardening · 22/02/2013 15:53

Thats fine titchy and maybe I am defensive because I've been frequently criticised on MN. You find my post tragically sad but how can you when you have never met my DS and therefore don't know what sort of a person he is or anything about our relationship together.

morethanpotatoprints · 22/02/2013 16:10

It seems to me you have 2 problems to solve here.

First of all take out the fact you are missing her.

How are the school not meeting her needs and was the sport the reason for her going to the school? If so you need to sort this first, irrespective of you missing your dd.

Next, is she happy and is she satisfied with the sports training she is receiving? What is wrong and is it so far removed from what you expected to warrant moving her.

morethanpotatoprints · 22/02/2013 16:22

My dc don't board btw and yes I have known somebody who did who is dysfunctional and socially inept. This doesn't mean to say its the norm.
We all find the best fit for our dc and there is no right or wrong type of school, just suitable or unsuitable for our particular needs.

difficultpickle · 23/02/2013 11:07

My view of boarding is that you have to think whether it is what your dc wants and whether they will get the best education. If your dd is happy then really you have to put your feelings to one side. If she isn't happy then you need to intervene and see what needs to be done to resolve things.

Ds started boarding this year but only flexi boarding - 3 nights a week. He will board 5 nights from Sept (year 5) and can't wait. It seems odd him not being at home in the evenings but he is happy and enjoying his boarding life so I think my feelings have to come second to his.

Original poster

Ceebeejay · 25/02/2013 09:19

Thank you all so much for those replies - I actually went away for a few days and do feel a lot better now. It's good to know that its normal to miss her so much - saw her on Saturday for a match and she was incredibly happy. I think I was feeling abandoned as she is the youngest -
We did choose the school for the sport and I have a meeting with them lined up to discuss the way forward - she said this weekend there is no way she wants to leave so I have to sort it really!
I think you are right Maryz - I was looking for excuses as to why I should bring her home and probably the sports problems were getting exaggerated in my head! Will try and sit it out - am seeing her on Saturday at a match which is good

OP posts:

AlisonMoyet · 25/02/2013 09:20

i boarded and put a brave face on

Imo its virtual abuse.

difficultpickle · 25/02/2013 13:27

Alison your comment says more about your relationship with your parents than anything to do with boarding. I had a colleague who hated boarding and 30 years on would still eat incredibly quickly. A habit he had formed at boarding school as if he didn't then someone else would eat his food. He wrote weekly to his parents saying how much he hated it. His experience of boarding is unrecognisable to the boarding life ds has and thrives with.

CointreauVersial · 25/02/2013 13:33

Well, AlisonMoyet, I boarded, and loved it.

And clearly the OP's DD is enjoying it too, as she has said there is "no way" she wants to leave.

Suggesting the OP is "virtually abusing" her child is really not helpful.

AlisonMoyet · 25/02/2013 13:40

nope, don't presume to know anything about that! I live 5 minutes away from them and have a fantastic relationship with them.

I would never inflict this on my kid,

difficultpickle · 25/02/2013 20:56

Alison you completely seem to miss the point that it is the OP who is unhappy that her dd is boarding, not the child herself.

Most times when I call ds at school he usually doesn't want to talk for long as he is in the middle of something or missing something. I suppose I am lucky that he knows he can talk to me about anything and knows that he doesn't have to board if he doesn't want to.

I can't imagine being a parent of a child who tells them they are so unhappy that it is 'virtual abuse' and they don't do anything about it .

happygardening · 26/02/2013 07:20

Ok Alison you would never "inflict" boarding on your children but there are plenty of very unhappy children in day school both state and independent who hate every minute of it. I went to a day school and if I said I went to a day school put a "brave face" on it and described it as "virtual abuse" and therefore wouldn't let my DC's attend a day school there would be countless other parents telling me that I things have changed that I can't assume that what happened to me would happen to my DC's etc etc most would have genuine recent experience and therefore would probably be right in their assertions.

suppermummie · 11/03/2013 10:44

has any one heard from st pauls for sept 2013 (reserved list)...
has there bin any movement in the reserved list

Kenlee · 11/03/2013 13:20

My DD is gonna board this year and she is really looking forward to it.

Does it matter who boards or who doesn't. We the few who send our children to boarding do so because we think it is best for our children. Those of you who don't out of choice, do so because you think it is best for your child. Now this is the crux of the matter. Sending my child to boarding will not affect your child what so ever. You sending your child to a non boarder will not affect my child either.

That being the case I hope all our children are happy. No matter where we have sent them.

Bonsoir · 11/03/2013 13:26

Both my parents boarded and didn't want me and my sister to board. I am not vehemently anti-boarding and I do think that for some DC it is the only way to bring out their talents to the full (and some DC really need to do this in order to be happy). Boarding is very convenient for some families, and that shouldn't be overlooked.

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