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Year 9 - an hour of homework on weekdays unreasonable?

108 replies

Shagmundfreud · 19/10/2012 13:00

DD has just started at new school, and I've told her that I want her to sit down for an hour at the kitchen table with me every night and work. Homework if it's set, work set by me if she's got no homework. I also want her to read for 20 minutes a night (which is what the school expects too).

Last night she screamed at me that I'm COMPLETELY unreasonable expecting her to work for an hour after school, and that none of her friends are expected to do much. I look at my own extended family and see that the children the same age as dd are doing at least an hour if not more in year 9. But then they are hard working and high achieving children. I want dd to achieve her potential and not just coast lamely through secondary, scraping a few mediocre gcse's, like many girls at her school will. She's very bright, but incredibly lazy.

Is an hour a night an unreasonable expectation for year 9?

OP posts:
Shagmundfreud · 26/10/2012 14:21

Thanks Onion!

Sometimes DH and I get into bed at night and laugh and laugh about it all. We'd have to laugh or we'd be crying!

Issy, my nephew is in year 7 at a fee paying school and also gets an hour and a half a night.

I think those of us with children at state schools can sometimes feel a bit frantic at the thought of all those children at private schools forging ahead with their learning because they're getting so much more feedback on their work from their teachers. It makes me feel a bit panicky for my dc's sometimes and I have to take a deep breath and chill.

As far as negotiations go - DD is a fiendish mistress of negotiation hysterical badgering techniques. She talks at me in a very aggressive and fast paced way, which doesn't help when it comes to keeping cool and considering the next step.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 26/10/2012 14:29

issy yes to the giving of a point to teens.

When we negotiate a boundary...ahem...I have pretty much what I want in mind. I will then magnanimously give way to a point or two.

Chopstheduck · 26/10/2012 14:33

You have my sympathies and imo YANBU.

I started a thread just like this, about 6 months ago, with a year 7 child, who I wanted to do an hour a day including reading. Quite a lot of posters really jumped on me. dd has basically said that she felt that it was unfair and nobody else had to do extra work.

I backed off a bit after that, and dd was very happy. Til she started bloody falling behind again! My dd isn't particularly bright, has no motivation whatsoever to work, would rather sit in front of screens or hang out with her mates non stop. She struggled with year 7, we worked our arses off with her to pick her grades up, and then she started feeling hard done by.

Since she had caught up, I let things go a bit, relaxed a bit on the amount I wanted her to do. She pushed more, so I said, fine I give up nagging - you can organise your own work, and do what YOU think you need to do. She drew up a calendar, made plans and promises. She then went into free fall - has had three detentions this half term for not completing homework and fell so far behind that she even tried skiving to get out of school because it is such a struggle.

We're now back to square one, and she is very unhappy because she is so behind. Her report was diabolical. I've spoken to the teacher and he isn't happy at all, and I end up feeling like a failure for letting it go, and he suggested that HE would supervise her for extra work sessions during breaks.

The only thing I would say is I think at Year 9 she should be able to set her own work. I don't tell dd to do xyz, we discuss what she needs to work on, I source stuff like books or websites, and I leave her to work through it to her own schedule. I don't think you should dictate what she reads neither. Just because she is at a certain level, doesn't mean she wants to read at that level all the time. dd reads some real trash, and every so often I will suggest something a bit more intellectual for her to try. I want her to enjoy reading rather than it just be a task.

I do really believe that a set period though where they do have to work, like it or not, does work for some children. While we enforced it, dd was getting her homework done, and producing quality pieces. She had caught up so much.

I also won't do anything for dd if she is rude to me, and she wouldn't dare shout or scream at me. Do you spend any one to one time with her? It does seem like you have a very difficult relationship with her at the moment.

Issy · 26/10/2012 14:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

wordfactory · 26/10/2012 14:57

Ah yes, DH and I are lawyers by trade Grin...

Issy · 26/10/2012 15:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

KandyBarr · 26/10/2012 15:12

Good going, shagmund - and thanks for posting update.

ShaynePunim · 26/10/2012 15:12

Shagmund Freud you sound like a loving, caring and concerned mum.

I think a lot of what you describe is teenage angst. As long as you keep your eyes on the prize you'll both come one alright. Remember you're in charge and even if she would rather die than admit it, she needs you and wants you to be in charge and lay down the rules.

Don't forget to look after yourself and let us know how it's going. :)

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