School initiated counselling sessions with DS (Yr 10) without informing us. Is this normal?

[reshetima]

DS came from first Friday at school a bit upset: he'd been called aside by the pastoral manager to say that he'll be starting fortnightly counseling sessions. She didn't explain why and he was too dumbfounded to ask. He said he thinks this may be to do with the fact that at the end of year 9 she called him in to ask why he "looked stressed" and he said told her that he felt pressurised by our expectations ( we had banned him from the computer in the weekdays leading up to the tests).

I have to say I have never been a fan of counseling, but appreciate that the school may think it's a good idea - but can they do this without our permission?

Is it unreasonable for us to email her? How do I phrase this without sounding antagonistic?. : "DS tells me us you have set him up for counseling on a fortnightly basis. If this is correct, may I request that you discuss this with my husband and me first? Can you also tell me what the credentials are of the counselor?"

I would absolutely want to know what was going here for sure. If the school thinks your child is stressed shouldn't they be talking to you first?

I would phone rather than email. They will be happy to talk with you I'm sure.

Thanks for the rapid responses! Problem is that I'm out at a conference on Monday... I'll have to find a quiet corner somewhere. Probably will prove to them what an unworthy parent I am (working mum's guilt).

Maybe I'll ask that she rings me on Tuesday... when I'm going to work late... that will hopefully arrest any immediate action.

It could just be mentoring? A good proportion of our students are allocated mentors which are just members of staff who spend some one to one time with the student. It would be pretty informal and most kids find it very useful.

I'm fairly sure if he was being put forward for counseling (with someone qualified), you would need to provide consent if the child is under 16. Plus its hard to get counseling for students (costs a lot) so its hardly the first route if there is a problem.

I think I might phrase it slightly differently so as not to be confrontational - DS tells us you have set him up for counseling on a fortnightly basis - he isn't sure what this is all about, as it hasn't been explained to him. We were surprised that this had been arranged without any discussion beforehand. Please could you tell us who will be providing the counselling and what the aims of these sessions are?

If you don't get an immediate and satisfactory response, I think a call to the Head would be in order. I certainly wouldn't be at all happy to think that the school was making this sort of intervention without any consultation. At least your DS was sensible enough to come straight home and tell you about it...

Maybe the fact they believe his "problem" stems from the pressure from you is the reason they haven't told you. I'm not saying you are putting him under pressure at all btw, it doesn't sound like it at all from your post. But if a student was genuinely under huge amounts of pressure from family to perform and had asked for some help then I can see why it might be reasonable to not tell the parents he was having counselling or to ask parental permission. If your son was receiving any kind of health treatment outside school then they wouldn't be allowed to tell you without his permission.

They can't make your son go to counselling though. I would be really at the school making decisions like this about my children's mental health for them tbh. At 14 you're old enough to know if you're sufficiently stressed to need counselling. If your son doesn't want to go to counselling that's his choice. Not yours, but certainly not the school's either.

Assuming the counselling is not due to start on Monday, I would email and ask that she rings you on Tuesday. I think to avoid sounding defensive or antagonistic you could perhaps phrase it that you are concerned there may be some issue with bullying or behaviour of your son in school that you have not been told about, and that you're not saying you are against him going to counselling per se but both you and he (I think the fact that even he doesn't know is particularly important here) are puzzled as to why he is deemed to need to and would like to discuss this further.

who is doing this counselling?

If they deem him "competent" (Fraser guidelines) your consent doesn't have to be sought post 13, though it is seen as good practice.

If HE doesn't understand why, that's a different issue altogether and needs to be explored with the school and their pastoral team as HIS consent should have been sought for the referral, and he should have some idea why the referral has taken place.

OP two things come to mind when reading your original posting.

1. A registered qualified counsellor will not insist that you child attends counselling. If we feel any of our children would benefit from counselling we will suggest it to the child but no one can force a child to attend.
2. Mimsy is correct the the Fraser guidelines/Gillick competency (although children can be younger than 13) does mean that consent does not have to be sought from parents if the child is deemed competent, also any thing the child says or information given to the child by someone outside the family is only shared with the parents if the child gives his/her consent in a nutshell every thing is confidential. The only exception to this is issues surrounding child protection. Contrary to popular belief this does not just apply to contraception. We ask our children for permission to talk to their parents even if we are discussing a cold, obviously the over whelming majority of the children I work with are happy for things to be discussed! We are also unable to discuss any issues a child raises with teaching staff and other professionals without the child's consent.

Luckily for you OP IME most teaching staff and even GP's go not apply this very strictly go to the school and ask them what its all about!!

Gosh. Thanks ever so much for the wise counsel and helpful redrafting everyone! I've just sent a judiciously (I hope) rephrased version of my email and I await a response. I'll update as and when there's anything to report.

OK: update. I got an email first thing this morning (very impressive) saying that DS got the wrong end of the stick. He was offered mentoring (as you suggested whathaveI), not counseling. I think this is to help DS sort out his learning skills (he's a very able, but very young-in-the-year). She said she would have contacted us if counseling had been in the offing. She's going to ring me in the morning as I requested. I couldn't ask for a better outcome.

Thanks again for all the helpful and reassuring responses. What a knowledgeable bunch mumsnetters are!

Excellent. If it is done well and your son buys into it, mentoring can work very well.