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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Changing schools Year 8?

77 replies

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2012 21:12

DS1 started High School last September (Year 8 in these parts).

6 months in and he is still very unsettled. Having problems with friends (the ones he came up from previous school have abandoned him) he says he isn't one of the 'populars' so nobody bothers with him.

He is quite a sensitive 12 year old, he doesn't like asking the teachers when he's unsure etc and he has always wanted to do things correctly IYKWIM.

Academically he is doing well but in every other area it's like 2 steps forward and one back. HOY is aware of the situation, but only so much they can do.

DS says he doesn't fit in at the school. I am at a loss, tears again from him tonight.

OP posts:

Hooker · 20/03/2012 21:17

This is a really tricky one! Why have his friends he moved up with abandoned him? Does he struggle with friendships outside of school? Moving school could just move the problem iyswim, rather than helping it. If it is a case as he says that he doesn't fit in, why does he feel that way? Is there another local school with an ethos where he feels he would fit in?

That's just a lot of questions and very little help. Sorry!

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2012 21:21

Don't worry Hooker, I have thought all the same things.

The 'populars' don't seem overly keen on academic stuff and DS1 desperately wants to do well. He says he doesn't fit in because he doesn't want to mess about or do silly things at breaktime.

Today some of them were doing impressions of him. He described it as feeling older than them which sounds awful especially as he's a summer birthday. It is the only school in the town.

OP posts:

ColourMeWithChaos · 20/03/2012 21:26

THis sounds horrible for the both of you Sparkling.

Do you know if there are any more academic extracurriculars at his school? I know at the DSs they do things like science club, design and technology club, animation club, engineering cub etc. He may meet more like minded friends there?

It could just be a phase and everyone will settle down and grow up a bit? However, if it is making your DS so unhappy are there any other options?

Is the next nearest school different or does it have a similar atmosphere?

Hooker · 20/03/2012 21:29

The only school in town kind of means he needs to find a way to 'fit in' really. Are there any clubs he could join so he isn't always on his own at break times?

'Comedy' bullying is no less hurtful and is so much harder to stop at high school. Is there a pastoral care teacher he could talk to at all?

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2012 21:32

I think he thinks if he moves schools he can start afresh IYKWIM. but you can't change your personality can you?

There are other schools further afield that could be considered, but that won't help to get local friends.

I didn't think he would still be unhappy 6 months in. he plays after school footy but so do the 'populars'. I will ask him what's available.

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Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2012 21:37

DH thinks that he needs to find a way to fit in Hooker. DS is seeing HOY again tomorrow to discuss what happened today BUT he is now worrying himself over what he will say.

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ColourMeWithChaos · 20/03/2012 21:42

The HOY should stamp down on the bullying - can you help your DS with exactly what he wants to say? Maybe if he practices the conversation with you first he may feel more confident?

If the 'populars' aren't academically minded then I'm sure there will be people who are. It might be a case of you asking the HOY/form tutor if there are any other pupils who are struggling with this and if there are if they can link up DS with them?

Are there any other extracurricular activities your DS could do out of school? Something like scouts maybe?

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2012 21:49

He plays for 3 football teams out of school. One of the teams has a lot of players that go to private school and he gets on with them really well. We are not in a position to pay for education but he loves to see them socially.

I will run through what he should say to HOY tomorrow and hope he actually says it Colour.

OP posts:

Hooker · 20/03/2012 21:52

Does the private school have a scholarship/bursary system that might make it financially viable?? Might be worth looking at??

Fitting in is a valuable life skill, BUT, he is still so young and no-one wants to see their child so unhappy :(

betternextlife · 20/03/2012 22:29

You need to do what you think is best, and it is a difficult call. A new start might be the answer, but he might have the same problems finding friends at the new school.

Not sure if it helps, but just to add that it took my DS nearly a year to settle into secondary school, but he is really happy now.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 06:54

Thanks better. A lot of people have said things settle down in Year 9?

Waiting for him to wake up now and the tears to start.

OP posts:

takeonboard · 21/03/2012 09:01

I have seen your posts before sparkling and know you have been trying to wait it out and see if things improve but it does sound as though this school isn't right for him, if he wants to work hard and do well and that isn't cool....is there another school where the dynamics would suit him better? I wouldn't worry about it not being very local for now, I don't think that is so important in teenage years.

I let this kind of thing ride for 3 years and it has changed my DS personality completely we finally moved him last September and he loves his new school, he has had ups and downs of course and the downs always seem to be major crisis's simply because of the previous bullying but that is slowly settling down and we are starting to see glimpses of the boy we lost.

I would say if you/he don't think its the right place act sooner rather than later.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 09:05

Thanks take. DH is dead against any school changing but TBH I am itching to look round a few.

I have noticed that DS's personality is changing. He never seems to get excited about anything and is very negative. He has even asked if he can have counselling.

Lots to think about.

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Doobydoo · 21/03/2012 09:13

Sparkling just wanted to say I really feel for you and your ds.There is nowt wrong with looking at other schools.My ds is in year 8 and end of August born.He sounds rather like your son...wanting to study and be himself really.Thankfully atthe school he is at it is cool to be yourself and want to do well in exams etc.He has had the odd spat but nothing hideous and not to do with how he is.It is a boys Grammar and I know you said schools are thin on the ground where you are but if he is this unhappy have a look round.I really wish you all the best.

takeonboard · 21/03/2012 09:18

Oh poor thing, if he is asking for counselling can you do that for him? It may be that he thinks counselling will change him, if he blames himself for not fitting in or he may have seen the personality changes himself and want help to get back to his old self.
Is there a reason your DH is against changing school?
Hookers suggestion about the private school is worth exploring. Your DS already knows that he fits in with the boys at that school.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 09:19

Thanks Dooby. It's quite a dilemma. I have dropped him at school this morning and he just looked so upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 09:23

DH thinks that DS needs to learn to take a joke, not take everything so personally and muck in with the other boys. He thinks DS isn't making an effort friends-wise.

DS says he wants counselling to stop him feeling the way he feels. I think he would like to change schools so he can be a new person where people don't know what he's like, but it's not that simple is it?

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tantrumsandballoons · 21/03/2012 09:34

Sparkling, my DD changed schools year 8, she found it impossible to be part of the popular crowd and keep up with her work, she was bullied constantly for being a swot and working hard, it really upset her.

She is in year 9 now, in another school and so much happier

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 09:37

Thanks tantrums.

I am scared of both scenarios really. Of him struggling on and nothing changing, or moving schools and it being the same.

Did your DD know anyone at all at the new school?

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MiraNova · 21/03/2012 09:38

I moved DD one term after starting at secondary school as she changed from loving school at her primary, to being in tears and not wanting to go to school. We were fortunate to be able to move her, and she settled in quickly to her new school - which is further away - and is happy and doing well.

I agree with takeonboard - it sounds like this school isn't the best fit for your DS - and it would certainly be worth looking at other options.

Also I think your DS is right about a fresh start, and being a new person - he's probably been pigeonholed as 'uncool' and that's a hard label to shake off sometimes. A new start sounds like what he needs, if that is an option. Most schools will let prospective pupils sit in for a day or two so he can get a feel for the place and if he thinks he would fit in..

Good luck.

MiraNova · 21/03/2012 09:40

My DD didn't know anyone at all at her new school. As a 'new girl' she found she had lots of people keen to get to know her, and settled in quickly to a group.

tantrumsandballoons · 21/03/2012 09:42

No it was slightly further away so there was no one from primary there

She wanted a new start and the school she is at now is more academic, the previous school was more focused on the arts

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 09:43

That would be a dream Mira. I need to talk to DH seriously about this.

I hadn't even considered this would happen. I thought he would just move up and everything carry on as normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 09:45

I think the first step is to see whether any of the other schools (which are a good drive away) have any places in Year 8.

I am really heartened to read about others who have done this and it all worked out.

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takeonboard · 21/03/2012 09:45

A new school would be a fresh start, but be careful if your DS wants to change himself, that means he believes there is something wrong with him. He needs his confidence bolstering so that he can see that it is ok to be him and lots of kids (like the ones he plays footie with from the private school) like him for who he is. The trouble is thats hard to see if you spend most of your time with people who are telling/treating you otherwise.

Your DH is probably right, but in reality it isn't as simple as that. My DS's sense of humour disappeared when he was bullied, along with his confidence which is a precious commodity in the business of making friends. Its a catch 22 situation which we spent 3 years trying to find a way to break out of the cycle, school counsellor etc. I have no advice there as sadly for my DS his confidence spiralled down and he became even more of a target. Whatever you decide to do he needs to know just how much you love him just as he is, you need to tell him and show more than ever, to compensate for every nasty jibe and exclusion he suffers at school.

Its hell to watch them go through this, he doesn't deserve it.

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