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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Changing schools Year 8?

77 replies

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2012 21:12

DS1 started High School last September (Year 8 in these parts).

6 months in and he is still very unsettled. Having problems with friends (the ones he came up from previous school have abandoned him) he says he isn't one of the 'populars' so nobody bothers with him.

He is quite a sensitive 12 year old, he doesn't like asking the teachers when he's unsure etc and he has always wanted to do things correctly IYKWIM.

Academically he is doing well but in every other area it's like 2 steps forward and one back. HOY is aware of the situation, but only so much they can do.

DS says he doesn't fit in at the school. I am at a loss, tears again from him tonight.

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Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 09:48

3 years Take. I have had 6 months and feel like my head is going to explode.

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takeonboard · 21/03/2012 10:16

Its so hard sparkling it takes its toll on the whole family.
I bitterly regret the 3 years we spent trying to make it work. We moved him and within 3 weeks it was obvious the problem wasn't him it was the school.

tantrumsandballoons · 21/03/2012 10:20

Sometimes, you try so hard to make it work, it makes it worse

We kept our daughter at the school for over a year, spent hours and hours talking to teachers, the head, the governors and tbh it was a waste of time

Children are all different and have different needs and sometimes, however hard you try, the school is just not a good fit for your child even though it's great for another child.

Theres nothing wrong with that, sometimes it takes a bit longer to find the "right" school

ExitPursuedByABear · 21/03/2012 12:10

No real advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am that your DS is going through this, and that you have to watch. It must be dreadful.

I would definitely look into a move to a more academic environment.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 12:53

I appreciate everyone's opinions I have just been to the shops and a little blonde boy of about eighteen months was helping his Mum by carrying the loo rolls. He was wearing denim dungarees and a stripy T-shirt just like DS1 did-I nearly burst into tears. How silly. Memories of less confusing times.

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ExitPursuedByABear · 21/03/2012 12:57

Don't get me started on missing 'those' times. DD is 12 and so full of attitude she can hardly move.

Doobydoo · 21/03/2012 13:02

Oh Sparkling
We had a choice of a school nearer us than the one ds goes to.He chose the one furthest away.We all liked it but it meant he would not see kids from the primary school where he was bullied[we took him out and home edded for a bit]
He is happy at this school.Just a 'normal' mardy 12 year old...from what I have read on Mumsnet.
I feel sad that he thinks there is something wrong with him...there isn't.Not everyone gallops with the herd.We all adapt to situations but shouldn't have to completely change ourselves.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 13:14

That's very true Dooby. Perhaps sometimes the child is just at the wrong school. You see academically he is doing very well, he likes his teachers and wants to do his best for them.

But the social side and friends etc is a consideration. he has a residential trip abroad coming up in June which he is having a major wobble over too.

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Doobydoo · 21/03/2012 13:39

I think you are right Sparkling.I am not surprised he is having a wobble.I expect you are too.
It is extra hard as you and your dh have a different opinion.I really hope you find a solution that you are all happy with.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 13:42

Thanks Dooby. I think the Easter holidays will be the perfect time to have a family conference and decide the way forward.

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Doobydoo · 21/03/2012 16:28

Agree All the best with it.I am sure you will get it sorted.

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 16:40

Thanks, he's come back in floods of tears again today saying he isn't going tomorrow.

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accidentprawn · 21/03/2012 17:31

sparkling :(
When i was at school, in year 8 i was bullied and i always said i wouldn`t go the next day. six months into the bulling, i was pushed down stairs. My parents did nothing until this and within 4 weeks i was in a new school.
You need to act soon for your DS.

takeonboard · 21/03/2012 17:37

accident is right sparkling, don't wait until Easter to discuss moving schools, if there is a school with a place free he could be starting there after the holidays.

I take it the meeting with the HOY didn't go well

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 17:38

The HOY didn't ask to see DS today.

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accidentprawn · 21/03/2012 17:41

Has the HOY nothing to say? Can he/she do nothing?
Im so sorry you have to see your DS go through this. Are there any schools in the area with free places?
I would discuss moving schools as soon as you can. He could be back to his old happy self after the holidays if you can move him.

accidentprawn · 21/03/2012 17:41

sparkling (((hug)))

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 17:43

The agreement is that DS should go to HOY if problems arise. There was name calling and threats to 'get him' today. DS should have gone to see him.

But DH had emailed this morning to say DS wanted to see HOY.

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accidentprawn · 21/03/2012 17:46

If your DH has emailed to say your DS wants to see him/her he should go and speak to your ds.
Threats need to be taken seriously- they will say things and not mean them and one day they will do it and your DS doesn`t deserve this.

accidentprawn · 21/03/2012 17:56

can you ask to go in and speak to the HOY? Tell him/her if they do not do something you will be looking at other schools.
No parent should have to see there child go through this. DD was bullied at the start of the year ( she is year 8 as well) she does well academically but is not on any teams. the "popular`s" will tell people things - usually not true but people believe them not the person who the rumor surrounds.

Theas18 · 21/03/2012 18:01

Move him- or at least plan a move for september- then he has the rest of the year to sit through and explore strategies to feel more settled- activities in and outside school etc.

If he's academically able, are there any selective schools you can look at? My 3 would have been mega unhappy at non selective schools, even though "a bright child will always do OK" - and they would have done "OK" but hated it and not fitted in one bit- at least they've been Ok in a selective setting.

THe only caveat I would give is to develop his resilience and self sufficiency because maybe things wont be that different in a new school- We've done this through out of school activities (specifically singing for DS).

DD2 is yr8 (she's 12) and despite being generally "popular" floats on the outside of friendship groups rather than having best mates. She's only ever been to 2 parties at secondary (sniffle!). We recently had a long chat about this and she said she "feels about 14 really" which I think is the issue. She's physically and mentally adult. She's not able to participate in the "bitching for fun then forget it" stuff that seems to pass for "friendship interactions" amongst 12yr olds. DS was the same at 12- but actually being fully grown (foolishly) accommodated himself into playground rugby (yes it's banned!!) with the older years. Now DS is 16 his peers are getting to be much more like him and he's happy.

My eldest has been the only one to form firm friendships from the start of secondary that have been glues together through her school career. She's and exceptionally tolerant person though and floats on her own cloud, which is a happy place and little intrudes LOL

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 18:02

I think the problem is it isn't the same kids every day and he thinks nobody at all likes him. I think so far the school has been good, but DS does need to feel he can speak to the teachers. For some reason he finds it really hard to do this, let alone go and find one to talk to.

When DS has gone to bed I am going to talk to DH properly. If DS says he doesn't want to go in tomorrow I will phone HOY and explain why.

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Theas18 · 21/03/2012 18:11

I'm with takeonboard too- there is "nothing wrong" with your DS and nothing that needs to change, this was my DS at 10. Bullied and sad (the bullying was of the nerdy prof type name calling, school weren't to bothered but DS was dreadfully bothered).

Find the key to his self confidence and work on it loads. Find "kids like him" . They do exist- mine are like that too.

I'd say find a choir, but that's what worked for DS - boys that sing are gorgeously academic slightly nerdy and a bit shy as a rule- honestly it brings tears to my eyes now to recall DS stomping out of school under a black cloud, going to sing and coming out restored.

What else helped DS- well he as younger. We happened to have, at that time a bit of gentle 1 to 1 tutoring for 11+. A lot of that was actually a therapeutic chat with an adult who understood (retired primary head) some 11+ papers, alternating with an art project - I couldn't believe it- DS hated school art but loved it with his tutor and I have the most gorgeous framed painting he did. Worth every £ we paid for tutoring (he didn't really need much for the exam, and the tutor told us that)

accidentprawn · 21/03/2012 18:16

If your DS is anything like you sparkling what is there not to like? (you always sound so kind)
At the school I work in we have learning mentors. Do his school have them? (they can be known as school councillors.) they talk to the child who is being bullied and help them to get it all of there chest and then they go to the children doing the bullying and talk to them, punish them ( put them on report at my school and if they do not improve put them in isolation.)

Original poster

Sparklingbrook · 21/03/2012 18:24

That's nice of you to say accident. The thing is that DS is kind, and lovely in the right company He does take everything to heart though and even a casual comment can make him take offence.

There is pastoral care at the school, he saw them after starting because he was having problems with organisation.

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