Dilemma... 'more average' sibling to follow super-bright brother to same school, or somewhere else, with a chance to 'shine'??

[fluffyhamster]

I'm sure we're not the first to have had this dilemma..

DS2 has been/ will almost certainly be offered places at two schools, and we can't decide.

• School 1 is a local independent with an excellent reputation (Top 100 in the country). DS1 is already at this school. Doing well (is super -bright with top scholarship etc) Excellent facilities - esp. music & drama (which DS2 is into).
  

We weren't sure that DS2 would get offered a place, but he has. However we know that he was in the bottom 20% of those who passed the entrance exam.
I worry that he might struggle a little, will always be towards the bottom, and constantly in DS1's shadow.
It also seems to be a school where you need to 'find your own feet/ stand up for yourself'. DS2 is not massively confident, and may find it hard.

• School 2 is a local voluntary aided school with fantastic facilities and above average results. Rapidly getting even better, but not the same academic pressure as school 1.
  

We are lucky to be in the catchment for this school - parents lie and move to get their kids there . Feels a bit more nuturing. Is smaller.
I think DS might feel less stressed and more confident here. But he may not 'stretch' himself enough if he can get away with it (he has a tendency to follow the path of least resistance...)
Music & drama isn't as good though.

The other consideration is that DS2 is very young (August birthday) and it feels as if he may still be doing some catching up vs. his peer group.
The change in him over the last year has been massive, and in another year it might seem as if he could have coped better with school 1?

I just can't decide.
School 2 would obviously cost less too, but I couldn't bear it if in later years DS2 accused us of sending him to a 'less good' school to save money!
Any wise words?

[Ladymuck]

Does ds1's school have a 13+ entry?

[jaquelinehyde]

I would send them to the same school.

[lesstalkmoreaction]

Has ds visited both schools, how does he feel about the schools.?

[fabwoman]

We have a few kids and they have varying abilities. They are all at an independent school now but will go to different secondary schools. They are going to the school that is best for them and that would be my advice to you. I wouldn't not send a child to a school because I felt they needed to shine away from a sibling.

[MsMarple]

I don't think you should let your DS decide, but maybe his preferences might help you with your decision?

Where does he think he wants to go?

[Dozer]

I personally don't think it'd be fair on DS2 to send him to a state school when you aree paying for his older brother, unless he has a very strong preference, and even then would think twice!

Could send the message that you think he's not worth it / not as good as his brother / not able to keep up. And potentially create resentment.

People on MN often allege that children who don't do so well in entrance tests (or are tutored for them) will struggle at an academic school, but have never seen any objective evidence put forward to support this assertion.

[Dozer]

Suspect that august-born DC do better academically in top independent schools than good state schools, no evidence, just a guess!

[tentative123]

I didn't do well on the entrance tests and struggled at an academic indep school, and thn moved to a much more rounded one (still indep) and my results shot up and I did extremely well. My own view would be the right school for the child but I do get the dilemma re one fee paying the other not..

[fluffyhamster]

ds1's school DOES have a 13+ entry, but I'm not sure where DS2 would go before then! If we deferred until 13+ then School 2 would likely no longer be an option as a fallback.

Fab- I hear what you're saying, but the issue is about 'shining' in general rather than just next to DS1.

Due to a combination of him being young in his year/ having a bright cohort in his current class/ having a super academic brother, DS2 has convinced himself that he is not very bright. In reality he is actually above average.
I just wonder if it would be more damaging for him to be at the 'bottom' of an academic school, rather than the 'top half' of a 'very good' school?

DS2 wants to go to school 1, because he wants to do everything his big brother does

[outofbodyexperience]

school 1. no doubt at all.

[CheesyWellingtons]

Could you not send him to a lesser private school?

[fluffyhamster]

OOBE - can you explain why?

[fluffyhamster]

Cheesy - we also thought of that, but the 'lesser private school' option

a) has less good results that school 2
b) is about 6 miles further away.
c) we don't like it as much as school 2

He could walk to schools 1 & 2.

[Bue]

I was leaning towards school 1 and having read that that's where your DS wants to go, I would send him to school 1. I'd really worry about resentment down the line and the perception that you didn't think he was 'good enough' for the indy while his brother was.

[eatyourveg]

A few years ago I had 3 ds at 3 different schools. It was a bit tricky logistically especially when things like sports day clashed but we did it and it worked for us with ds each in a setting that suited them best.

My advice would be to ask your ds if he has a preference, also ask your ds1 how he thinks his brother would cope in his school and at the end of the day go with your gut.

dh has always said he would prefer the dc to get 10 mediocre GCSEs but have enjoyed their schooldays than to have 10A* grades and spent 5 years hating every minute. I think if your dc is happy in his environment he will thrive whichever setting it is.

[Ladymuck]

A local prep school to 13 might have been a more nurturing environment for a couple of years, but I guess is not an option?

Does School 1 have a Head of Lower school with whom you could discuss your concerns? It could be the case that ds2 would be able to find his own, different niche to ds1 in terms of music/drama.

We're mulling over a similar decision for ds2 (ie state back-up to 1st choice academic indie rather than less academic indie), but if ds2 passed the 1st choice indie he would go.

I think that if your ds2 has prepared for the exams, and has worked to get in, then you are setting yourself up for turbulent times if you then deny him the chance.

[outofbodyexperience]

two reasons really, the 'not worth paying for' aspect marking him out as different from his brother (whatever the intention), and the fact that he wants to go to school 1... you going against his wishes and opting for school 2 would presumably cement his feeling that he's being treated differently for some reason (back to reason one). if you are concerned that he might lack confidence in his own ability in comparison to his brother, choosing school 2 would cement that for life.

that said, i've only ever been the brainy good at sports older sibling. dsis went to the same school as me, achieved far less academically and on the sports fields, but afaik hasn't been scarred by the experience for life... she's certainly earned a darned sight more cash than i have since as well

agree with ladymuck. the boy has made the grade so deserves to reap the fruits of his success. if my parents had told me i had to sit the exam for indie entrance, i'd passed it, and then they told me i couldn't go anyway, i would be majorly pissed. particularly if my older bro was already there.

[senua]

You may be over-thinking this. Education/schooling is never exactly what you want, you have to accept a compromise somewhere.

We had the opposite problem in our family. DS1 went to school and carved a niche for himself. A few years later DS2 came along and 'shone' more than DS1. Soon DS2 was no longer described as DS1's little brother; it was DS1 who was described as DS2's older brother. He wasn't pleased!
However, over the years DS1 has done better than DS2 because he is a hard worker whereas DS2 is lazy.

It is nice if they can go to the same school where they have mutual friends and shared experiences & memories.

[Colleger]

You need to send them both to private schools. I'd never contemplate sending the younger, less confident to the local state school while the other went private, if I could afford to send both. You could find a different school.

[BackforGood]

I think you would be building up a potential HUGE amount of resentment from ds2, if you pay for ds1 to go to an independent school, but not him

[Colleger]

I think you should also have confidence in the schools ability to select. If he wasn't good enough to cope they wouldn't have had him. You must also not compare how well he is doing and just let him"be".

[schoolchauffeur]

I would send him to whichever school you really think will suit him best. Wouldn't worry about him being in the bottom 20% as the school will probably set/stream children on ability academically anyway so he will be doing work which is appropriate for him.

Also going against the general view on here about "resentment" if he goes to the state rather than private, I think that will depend on which school he really wants to go to. If he would prefer the state school and is happy there, if handled correctly I don't think it will cause resentment.

My DH went to local primary and local comp and eventually boarded for two years for A levels ( although actually wanted to go to local 6th form college with his mates, but he enjoyed boarding in the end) whereas my DSISinlaw went to posh local girls day school from 4-18, turned down the chance to go to boarding school, but over 20 years later is still the one with the chip on her shoulder about how DH was treated better because he got to go for 2 years ( compared to her 14) to a boarding school.

Agree with others that it is more convenient to have them in same school but I have mine in schools 100 miles away from home ( in opposite directions) so we have some logistical issues, but I know that they would each not thrive at the other one's school.
So over-riding advice would be to go for the school which best fits your child's ability and needs.

[EdithWeston]

You seem to be assuming that the private school where your DS is at present is in some way failing to provide its bottom 20% with a positive school experience and the best possible academic provision for their abilities, and is lacking in pastoral care to notice if anyone is struggling academically, socially or emotionally.

In which case, take elder DS out too.

[yotty]

I'd send him to his brother's school and see how he gets on. Mainly because I agree with the valid comments other posters have made. But secondly, because if after a year or two, both you and he realise it is not the school for him then you can move him. I am always amazed at how much movement there is. Very oversubscribed schools will have places at various moments. People move house, circumstances change, pupils are expelled or don't settle. So if you are prepared to jump ship at a moments notice then places are found.

[Bonsoir]

"I couldn't bear it if in later years DS2 accused us of sending him to a 'less good' school to save money!"

This is a very strong argument, IMO. If your DS2 has got into the same selective school as your DS1, I would send him there. The fact that your DS2 may not be quite as brilliant academically as your DS1 is not going to change by virtue of the fact that you send them to different schools.