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Secondary education

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Original poster

And so it begins...

19 replies

CeliaFate · 15/09/2011 07:50

Dd is becoming the "third wheel" in her friendship group. She went up with two close friends, but isn't in all their classes. They're now linking arms and walking a couple of steps in front of her, choosing to sit at a table with 2 seats so dd had to sit on the only available table on her own, they have school dinners so they queue together then sit opposite dd.
I'm so sad for her. She's doing brilliantly, has made other friends, goes to after school activities and isn't reliant on them but she's not confident enough to be pro-active and leave them to it and go around with a different friend iyswim?
I've told her to try and keep up with them and ask them to sit by her, so they can't turn around and say "Oh, we didn't realise" etc. But otoh, I don't want her to beg for their friendship. WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
CeliaFate · 15/09/2011 07:55

Just realised I posted this in the wrong topic.

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usualsuspect · 15/09/2011 07:56

I would encourage her to make other friends and separate herself from them.
I found that my DCs at secondary made a completely new set of friends,it just takes a bit of time

coccyx · 15/09/2011 08:43

agree with usualsuspect. she will find better friends out there

gingeroots · 15/09/2011 09:27

Agree with usualsuspect - not very good friends are they ?

Yellowstone · 15/09/2011 10:03

Also agree. This will be the pattern of things to come and will make your DD miserable.

Boys are far better at threesomes.

mummytime · 15/09/2011 10:47

Just tell her to go to lunch with someone from her class instead. Ignore them for a bit, she needs to move on.

Then buy "Queen Bees and Wannabees" and get prepared for the future.

Lonnie · 15/09/2011 11:08

you know Mumsnet is becomming expensive book wise for me grins (just got Queen Bees and Wannabees from Amazon laughs)

dd2 has just started school as only one fromher school so she is in the early stages of making friends of her own it is so hard isnt it supporting them through this sort of thing.

Colleger · 15/09/2011 13:21

Why would you encourage her to accept this treatment? Shock A parents job is to encourage a child to develop a back bone and to see themselves as valuable and important enough not to put up with crap!

42day · 15/09/2011 13:39

Agree with above posters. Don't encourage her to accept this behaviour. They are not nice kids (for now anyway). Encourage her to try speaking to others or to just join some others. Hopefully she will quickly speak to someone who is grateful that someone else has noticed them and find that they are just as in need of a decent freind as she is.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 15/09/2011 14:16

I'm trying not to have too extreme a reaction - my heart said tell them to eff off and sod them! But I don't want her to burn her bridges too quickly either. It could be a one off. People do make mistakes and if they realise how nasty they're being it may spur them into changing their behaviour.

I have told her she doesn't deserve this treatment and that she should pal up with others, but she likes these two girls (so do I, they're not normally like this) so I want to give their friendship a chance.

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42day · 15/09/2011 14:41

I know what you mean CeliaFate and understand how you both feel. Just can't help thinking it doesn't do much for our self esteem when this happens and we all need to handle it in a way so that it doesn't repeat itself which is a lot easier said than done just wish I had as a child instead of having to wait until I became an adult to realise what position I put myself in time and time again.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 15/09/2011 15:17

Yes, I did the same. Never had the courage or self realisation to say "bugger off, I'm better than this." I'll see how today went - if they still are pushing her out, then I'll encourage her to bother with other friends and I'd expect an apology from them.

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Original poster
CeliaFate · 15/09/2011 17:23

Dd came home today in a much better mood. Her two old friends are still going off together, but she's made a new friend and sat by her for lunch. I've told her to be polite to the other two, but not to chase after them as dd is a lovely little girl who deserves to be treated well, not tolerated.

It's amazing what comp can do - I've just looked at one of the girl's FB page - in 2 weeks she's gone from a bookish, very straitlaced little girl to posting photos of herself wearing a padded bra (with straps on display, natch) with curled hair and make up. I'm so proud of my dd for staying true to herself and not trying to be something she's not. Smile Thanks for all your comments.

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shewhowines · 16/09/2011 15:19

Oh how it all changes! My DD has been full of it so far but ended up last night in floods of tears. Her "old friend", who she walks to school with, has told my DD that her "new" friend who lives round the corner is not welcome to walk with them even though she has no one else to walk with. How is my DD going to tell her "new friend that she can no longer walk with them? She has decided to walk two days with one and 3 days with the other but there will probably be repercussions of that! She doesn't want to upset either and needs/wants to keep her old friend as new friendships may come and go as the term goes on. What a horribly awkward situation but probably the first of many. I'm so nervous for her but she needs to sort it herself i suppose.

Original poster
CeliaFate · 16/09/2011 16:01

It's horrid isn't it? My advice to your dd is to tell her old friend she is going to continue to walk with new friend and wants them all to get along, but won't be mean to her new friend. Old friend is probably feeling like she's losing your dd to this other girl. What a minefield! I recommend You and Your Tween from Amazon - I read the chapter on peers and friendships yesterday and it made me feel a lot more reassured. Hope your dd manages to sort it out Smile

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shewhowines · 16/09/2011 16:29

Thanks Celiafate. Will order that.
You just want to sort it all out for them don't you. DD hasn't the courage to say that to her old friend as she has threatened said that she could walk with another friend instead. Probably bluffing but DD too scared she will lose old friend. Old friend hasn't even bothered to get to know new friend so losing out on a potential friendship for herself. You are right I think she is feeling threatened.

Zippylovesgeorge · 16/09/2011 17:13

I'd give her the same advice I gave my son when he had a similar situation with a friend.

Don't chase them or look needy. Find someone else to spend time with etc.

That made the other 2 realise that he was happy to move on etc etc and then they tried to make him part of their group again. Didn't work - he'd moved on and was happy with his new bigger group of friends. Whilst he was happy to talk to the other lads he no longer wanted to play their silly friendship games.

sillybillies · 16/09/2011 23:06

give her lots of hugs and hope she works out they aren't worth it.

Give me boy problems over girls problems at school anyday to deal with

bossboggle · 18/09/2011 07:05

Agreee with sillybillies, lots of hugs and hope it works out because then she will find out who her real friends are!!

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