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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

My dd thinks she's hateful and horrible

15 replies

Jux · 26/04/2011 17:25

The poor child (11) says everyone in school mocks her, ignores her, avoids her. She was just beginning to feel OK about secondary too.

She had someone to sit next to on the bus to and from, until just before Easter, so she was enjoying the journey which in turn helped her to relax once she was at school.

Just before Easter, this boy wrote her a letter - pretending it was from another boy - declaring his adoration of her, but also using very inappropriate language and imagery. It make her feel sick and embarrassed and disgusted. She told her tutor who told his tutor and he was kept in at break times for the last week and kicked off the school council.

It seems that as a result of this, everyone is blaming her. He was a popular boy, in Year 8, so had been at the school longer than her and was better known.

I thought it would have blown over and been forgotten by most of them by the time the hols were over; it would appear not.

DD is crying in her room; she has been weeping on my shoulder since she got home, but I can say nothing to make her feel better. She sways she has been shunned all day.

OP posts:

sb6699 · 26/04/2011 21:40

Poor wee soul

11 is a horrible age too. I remember being really insecure at that age.

I'm sorry I dont have any advice other than to speak to the school but bumping this so hopefully someone knowledgable comes along.

Foyled · 26/04/2011 22:35

Does she have any friends at the school. I had a pretty rotten time at school for a while but always had a few faithful friends which is really all you need. If she has then encourage her to stick with them and ignore everything else, if she doesn't I think you should consider sending her elsewhere as there is nothing to lose.

Have a word with the school again, but stress they need to be subtle in any action they take.

I feel so sorry for her...

sexymomma69 · 27/04/2011 16:12

tell her to stop crying and man up!

BendyBob · 27/04/2011 16:21

Jeez sexymomma you're all heart. This little girl is 11 fgs

Jux - My dd is in yr7. At her school there are teachers who deal with this kind of thing. Someone you can speak to in authority who handles bullying issues. I don't think it's unusual, most schools should have a similar set up. I think you need to go back and say this is not resolved, not by a long shot. Your poor dd this kind of thing can be awful.

Original poster

Jux · 27/04/2011 22:17

Thanks, all.

Sexymomma, I do see where you're coming from, and I am sometimes tempted to do that very thing. However, I know dh wouldn't back me up and also (this is quite a big thing) we had 7 bereavements in only 3 years and dd has had to contend with an awful lot of shit. OK, no one has died for a year now, but of those who did they were all close family members - very close. I am still reeling, tbh, though I am more adept at dealing with it and going on with life but I'm OLD. It makes a difference. They do say that it takes, on average, two years to get over a bereavement, but they're talking about adults dealing with one death, not a child dealing with 7 - never more than 9 months apart and most much closer than that.

OK, so you all think I should talk to the school. I am hesitant to do that, as I have been on to them quite a lot already to do with all the deaths. I had a Parent Support Worker too, just for me! DD says that the school counsellor is telling her to 'get over it', which I'm not sure is appropriate, tbh. If they're taking this attitude then clearly sympathy has run out and I don't expect a particularly patient hearing.

If I take your advice, what should I say? I could talk to her Tutor or her Head of Year, both of whom are nice enough.

Oh, and by the way, I thought the punishment meted out to the boy was way over-the-top. If I'd known his mum I would have had a quiet word with her and the school would never have been involved.

OP posts:

wotnochocs · 28/04/2011 13:28

Your poor DD!! Telling her to 'man up' when there are so many against her is stupid ,stupid unhelpful advice.It's very difficult to know what to do without making things worse.
there was something similar in DS1's class and the girl was asjked to name the kids who were being mean.They were taken one by one into the heads office yelled at and told that if they were mean again or even mentioned about this to the girl they would be expelled.It's a grammar school so the kids mostly DO value their place.It stopped the bullying but it kind of made people dislike her even more
One thing I can think of is that as she's still 11 she must have abirthday coming up soon.Can you organise something really cool for her birthday and invite some of her class?

delillah247 · 28/04/2011 14:21

Poor little thing xx Big hugs until it blows over, which it will, is about all you can do. I wouldnt go to the school again just yet, you could make the situation worse for her. Tell her to walk with her head held high, she has done nothing wrong, and rise above the nasty words, bullies are pretty much standard, if they see it affects your dd, then they will continue. Don't let her become a victim. xx

Original poster

Jux · 28/04/2011 15:00

Yeah, you're right. The idea of going back to the school gave me a fairly sleepless night, and the likelihood of making it worse by doing so chilled my blood!

Her birthday's in August so she's got ages to wait. I've asked dh if we can do something special tomorrow, give her a real treat. (He suggested sending her swimming - which she does on an almost daily basis after school!).

Anyway, I'm googling "What to do in Devon".......

It seems to be the whole class, so it's not so easy to ignore. Still, she's had a lot of experience with adversity so she'll manage. I just wish she didn't have to.

OP posts:

Da1ryQueen · 04/05/2011 22:14

That's a particularly horrible thing for her to deal with. If it doesn't improve I would consider moving her, especially if she's already had a rough time. Poor kid

Original poster

Jux · 05/05/2011 09:19

Da1ryQueen, it's running through my mind constantly. There is one other school round here we could send her, but it's utterly shit and most of the kids are taking drugs, drinking, smoking and all that by the time they're in year 8. DD has a friend who goes there and she's already had sex with her boyfriend - she's 12 fgs!!!! She hadn't even thought about birth control, her mum hadn't talked to her about sex at all. I ended up having a long chat with her about it all, but I doubt it'll make any practical difference.

DD wants to be home-schooled like another friend of hers from round here. DH won't hear of it. As soon as she mentions it he stops her "it's not going to happen OK?". He won't even talk to me about it (that's another thread though!).

She likes the school, the teachers, her lessons - everything in fact, except the other kids.

(and fyi, sexymomma, she is manning up, every single day)

OP posts:

PKPopsy · 05/05/2011 10:35

You poor things, I feel for you all. It's easy for people to say man up but can you imagine going in to work and everyone ignoring you, saying mean things, not wanting to sit next to you. Most adults would fall apart and we expect an 11 year to just cope with it. Children can be so cruel. I think the main thing is lots of support from family and especially, keep her talking about it. The only good side is that once she comes out the other side and the children find another person to pick on she will have learnt a lot about herself and become a stronger, more resilient person. What about bullying forums for kids? Can she go on one of them to find others in her situation and feel less alone?

wordsmithsforever · 05/05/2011 22:10

Sheesh - never fails to amaze me what people tell kids they have to "man up" about! What a load of nonsense. As PKPopsy says, if this had happened in an office (letter written with inappropriate language/imagery), the lawyers would be all over it, but we tell children to put up with it!

We do home ed (and love it) (my DD is 10 and DS is 7) and my DH was very anti-HE initially but then he started to see how much less stressful life family life could be - in fact downright pleasant! A few years down the line he is a total convert as he can see how much our family life has improved. I think what also changed his mind was we knew quite a few home educated children and he could see how well they were turning out and how they had loads of friends, etc.

Bullying is serious stuff - especially if you consider how many child suicides may be linked to it. I think your DD really needs to feel you and your DH empathise with how tough things are for her at the moment.

BTW, I think the response of the school was spot-on - not at all OTT. Do hope things improve for your DD Jux.

Original poster

Jux · 05/05/2011 22:49

Thanks both of you. DH and I were having a long discussion this morning about HE and, despite her HE friend being the one we all like best (most balanced, best behaved, funniest, nicest etc) he is still dead against the idea. He sees it as a chore having to run around to and from the HE Centre which we would have to do, and he really can't bear the idea of it.

He thinks that we should leave it for the moment and see how things are at the end of term, then we'll have to think again, but I'm really unclear as to what he thinks another alternative may be. There was a lot of talk about her having to learn to live in the world, having to learn to get on with the people she finds herself among and so on. He is absolutely obdurate.

I shall use the office analogy on him tomorrow. It may work though he doesn't work in those sort of circumstances, and it may be completely meaningless to him. He's just as likely to say "well, I wouldn't mind" just out of defensiveness and lack of ability to relate it to his own circs, iyswim. He's hard to deal with sometimes.

OP posts:

kittyspolitti · 06/05/2011 09:38

Chin up Jux.

The office analogy really works, as pkpopsy said people as forever telling children to suck it up. My son was bullied really badly in his primary. It was a complicated situation with a domineering head and scared teachers. My son got to the point of self harming. The teachers only did something about it when I asked them what they would do if they imagined they were in ds's position but at work and they had the luxury of occupational health, unions, etc. They were ds's line manger and what were they going to do about it. People expect children to put up with things they wouldn't and say "tough that's life".

Have you phoned the school and spoken to the pastoral leader? They are the people who look after children's welfare. Ds has had similar problems that have lingered on from primary. He's had some counselling at his school and is also in a kind of nurture group for children with similar problems. Your daughter won't be the only one struggling emotionally.

Good luck.

tigerandtabs · 06/05/2011 09:51

really feel for you and your dd. i could have had a really tough time at school - bit of a swot, glasses, ginger hair.... - but what got me through were my 3 really, really close friends. we all stuck together and just ignored the idiots/bullies. therefore, would really try to get your daughter to think about if there is anyone at all that she thinks she could see in the role of close friends, and then look at how to cultivate (horrid word, sorry, but you get my drift) those friendships - invite home after school, trip out somewhere at the weekend. sounds like she needs a treat, so don't wait til her birthday. i was lucky in that we knew each other from primary so didn't have to go through the cultivation phase, but hopefully she might be able to strike up a friendship with someone. also, are there any out of school activities she could get involved in? ?guides or scouts, dance, etc. may help her meet some potential friends (possibly even ones from her school) and would at least give her some pleause and social interaction away from school?

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