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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

How do you get over "I want to go where my friends are going"

30 replies

create · 21/03/2011 20:35

DS1 (yr5) goes to the local primary, which we have been largely pleased with.

The local Comp has a very poor reputation and results.

I have recently started to broach the subject of where he might possibly go to secondary school - just in a chatty way, no decisions to be made yet etc.

He is absolutely set on the idea that the only place he will go is the local school where his friends will go. He was a late developer socially and was slow to make friends when he started school, but now is very much part of a close knit group of 6 lovely boys, so I do understand his concerns. I also know that even if they all end up at the same school, their abilities are mixed, so they're unlikely to all be in the same classes etc.

How on earth do you persuade a 10yo that it won't be the end of the world to go to a different school and make new friends, that the quality of the school is more important, that different schools will suit different children.

Ultimately, how much say does the child get?

He's currently sobbing in bed because I just suggested that which ever school he goes to he'll soon make new friends.

OP posts:

TalkinPeace2 · 21/03/2011 20:49

your first choice school (assuming its state) find out what community stuff they do
sports, activities, after school, holiday etc
that will make it a familiar place, meet new people
and if you both decide you don't like the school then no hassle
and if you both decide you do, sorted

Acanthus · 21/03/2011 20:54

You have to tough it out!

Even ones who do go with their friends make new ones. My DS didnt go with anyone and he was worried over the holidays, but it was absolutely fine. His group of four boys includes one who went with loads of people from his old junior school, but doesn't spend much time with any of them, and DS and two others all from different schools.

TalkinPeace2 · 21/03/2011 21:06

Acanthus is right.
DD went to feeder secondary with almost all of her class.
Within a term, ALL of her friends were not people she had been at primary with. All her new friends are academic / social peers, rather than just people she's known for ages

alemci · 21/03/2011 21:13

my ds and yd didn't know anyone at their secondary school and they have made loads of friends. I didn't want them to go to the local comp.

I think sometimes it is good as your child can make a fresh start rather than being put in a form with someone he wasn't keen on from primary school.

Original poster

create · 21/03/2011 21:14

I know Acanthus is right, I went to secondary school with my best friend from juniors. We weren't in a single class together and barely spoke for 5 years after the first week. Then we were in sixth form together and spent our clubbing years out every night together. Then I had DC while she was still partying and we barely saw each other for another 8 years. Then she had DC and,in fact, we had lunch together this week. Like we'd never been away. But how do you make a 10yo believe that?

OP posts:

TalkinPeace2 · 21/03/2011 21:19

You are the adult
you have to tell them

one of DDs cohort was allowed by his parents to choose his secondary for social reasons
he's at the sink school and is stuck

reddaisy · 21/03/2011 21:23

How much better would your choice of secondary be? If there isn't much in it, could you let him go where his friends are going?

Acanthus · 21/03/2011 21:26

What are your options? If there's not much to choose then social considerations could swing it. But fundamentally the school has to be right. We moved from state to selective independent. DS1 hasn't looked back. And funnily, DS2 seems to assume he will go there too!

bruffin · 21/03/2011 21:44

There is no guarantee they will stay his friends. I know of lots of upset year 7's who have gone with friends, only to find that some of them branch off to new friendship groups leaving their old friends behind.

Kez100 · 22/03/2011 08:05

I wouldn't just decide the local comp isn't good based on statistics. You need to both go there, talk to people and then see if you are still of a different mind afterwards.

Also, go to your preferred school and do the same.

Parents get swayed very easily by a few statistics and it's not just that which is important. Cildren often pick up on that when they visit.

On the other hand, others are right, new friends will be made even if he stays local that will happen. There is an advantage to being local though as weekend and after school visits by friends is much easier.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2011 08:09

I think that the change to secondary from primary is one of the those life stages when you have to be prepared, as a parent, to put your child's immediate concerns to one side and to make the best possible decision for his/her future, all things considered. The move from primary to secondary is a big and important one and children don't necessarily get this. Explain to your DS why you are making a decision that he finds hard, but don't be swayed.

mumslife · 22/03/2011 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandStorm · 22/03/2011 08:20

Just a little thing but make sure you tell him that wherever he goes, he will still be able to stay in touch with his current friends. When my DD1 was at that stage she was convinced that it would be the end of all her friendships (she went to a school that none of her cohorts went to). It took a little while to persuade her otherwise but now she has two sets of friends - secondary and primary.

millimurphy · 22/03/2011 08:58

Can't really suggest anything - everyone else seems to think you should lay down the law and send him to the school of your choice. Fair enough, you're the parent. My parents did exactly the same thing to me, split up from everyone I knew so I could go to the 'better' school. Had four years of bullying hell from the bastards. Most of the other little shits knew each other and I was an outsider from day one. Can still remember how unhappy I was every day going to that school and I'm in my 30's now. So it's up to you but this is just another angle on the situation. Maybe it will turn out fine, he'll make new friends and have a carefree secondary school existance. But please don't just dismiss your son's feelings because he is 'just a child'. Secondary school can last a long, long time :(.

Skinit · 22/03/2011 09:07

Oh I do feel for you! I think Acanthus is right...you're doing the best thing for him...he has fears naturally, which could possibly be heped by letting him have alook at one of the schools of your choice now....maybe he could join scouts in the same area? Then he would know some of the local lads when it starts.

I think you're doing the right thing though.

bruffin · 22/03/2011 11:18

but millimurphy - I know dcs that have been bullied by their former friends, because friends are now little tiddlers in an ocean when they were once big fish in a little pond. They need to regain the balance and often pick on their friends.

My DD has managed to stay in touch with her old friends from primary and made lots of new friends at secondary.
My DS was picked on by his old friends although one of them is now one of his best friends at school but it took a while for them to be friends again as he was left hurt and not wanting to make friends again.
They go to school which is not local but with good transport connections so can easily get to their secondary friends, although most of DS's friends now go to completely different schools altogether.

janeyjampot · 22/03/2011 11:45

Does the school you have in mind take children from lots of different schools? Or from one or two feeders? I think the answer to that will make a big difference to how easy it is for 'an outsider' to settle in. If it's the former, then I'm sure the school will make a lot of effort to integrate children and to ensure that they have plenty of opportunity to make new friends.

Both of my DDs started secondary without knowing anybody, but this was quite common at their school and there were plenty of initiatives in place to help them to settle in quickly.

DD1 was adamant that she was going to secondary with all her friends from primary until we went to the open days. She could tell that the school they were going to wouldn't be right for her. Although it made for an uncomfortable couple of terms at the end of Y6 and a very nervous summer holiday, everything was fine and we often talk about the difference that changing schools has made to all of our lives.

antshouse · 22/03/2011 12:24

Does he have after school activities where he meets boys from other schools? If not maybe encourage him to join scouts or something. If he has the confidence to start making friends with boys from outside his usual group it could help him feel more relaxed about a new school.
My DD started secondary with only 2 girls that she knew from primary, however she found she also knew a couple from music, one from dancing and an old friend from brownies.

JoyceBarnaby · 22/03/2011 12:34

I just wanted to say that my mum didn't want me to go to my local comp either. It was exceptionally shite and she really, really hated it. We did look at other schools and I took the 11+, but didn't get into grammar school.

I was desperate to go to the same school as my best friend, which was the local comp, and that's where I went. And I was so happy.

It wasn't just because she was there - I loved the school. I joined a couple of clubs, which I loved, and made a lot of new friends, too. I was one of the brighter students and always felt confident and respected there.

I don't think it ever got a good OFSTED report, but the pastoral care was very good. I did very well at school and went on to become a teacher myself.

I'm not saying you should definitely let your son go to the local comp - if you have other options, you must explore them - but there is so much more to school life than academia. Neither am I saying your son will be unhappy elsewhere - I'm sure what others have said about adapting and looking at different options is true as well. I just thought my story might make you feel better about the alternative!!

wordfactory · 22/03/2011 12:46

Personally, I would have set my stall out earlier. DC that know all along that they are not going to the same school as their best pals worry far less.

However, there is still time to explain the reasoning of your decision. Just keep saying it and smiling. Ultimately, your DC will know you have their best interests at heart.

In an ideal world DC can be involved in the decision making process, but sometimes we, the adults, have be the final arbiter.

BTW DD went to a school where she knew no-one. She is having a ball.

TalkinPeace2 · 22/03/2011 13:09

My Mum remarried when I was 10. I moved from one side of London to the other. Knew nobody. Had the wrong accent. etc etc ; I know about not fitting in at secondary - but I also know that kids just have to fit in sometimes. I am not in touch with anybody from any of my schools. My friends all date from Uni or later.

stillfeel18inside · 23/03/2011 09:19

This is really tricky - we have done the same with DS1 and about to with DS2 (although now we have another problem - he wants to go to either the local school, where his friends are going, or to DS1's school, which is academically selective and I'm not sure he'll get in, so trying to steer him towards option 3 - alternative not so selective school!)

My tips are:

really encourage him to stay friends with his old friends from primary - my DS1 saw his old friends every weekend in the early days and still sees them a lot - hope he always will they're a great bunch of kids (funnily enough he's better friends with some of them than they are with each other, even though they're at the same school)

also, obviously, really encourage him to meet some potential friends from his new school once you know where he's going - see if you can find out who's going there and suggest meet-ups in the park etc before they even start

take him to see some other schools so that he can a) have a morning off school! b) see for himself what other places have to offer

don't run down the local school to him, however hard that is

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

CrosswordAddict · 23/03/2011 10:33

I think I just posted a message about this over on the Education thread. Sorry for duplicating the advice.
I have first hand experience of this. My own DDs were the only two from their primary school to go to their high school. They have never looked back.
I did my best to help them keep in touch with their old friends from Primary but they chose to cut them off. Don't think it was a bad thing looking back.
The break is not as traumatic as they think it's going to be. Also when they finally leave school and get a job they won't have their primary school friends holding their hands. It sounds harsh but they need to break away if they are going to develop into independent people.
It must be lovely for him to have five close friends and feel part of their cosy group though Try to find one boy from the group who is not going to the local comp and work on him to maybe go for grammar with that boy [if he has the ability] That might work or maybe not.
Try to get a taster day at grammar school [if they do one] That could tip the balance, particularly if they have great facilities.
Try to find an older boy who has been to grammar school and get him to do a sales pitch, telling your son just how great it is.
Try bribery - a trip to somewhere he really wants to go. Do whatever it takes but don't let his misplaced loyalty to his friends spoil his chances.
Good luck

pranma · 24/03/2011 21:10

I made such a mistake with this-both my dc got scholarships to an excellent independent /direct grant[70s] school.Both insisted on the local comp with their friends.Their dad was terminally ill and I didnt have the strength to argue.When ds went my dh had just gone into hospital and when it was dd's turn he was dying.I gave in to the dc and have many many regrets though both did well they would have done better I am sure.They were too young to understand and now both of them wish I had insisted on their taking up the places.

CrosswordAddict · 25/03/2011 10:02

pranma Your story was so poignant! Sorry about your loss. I agree with you that when you have someone terminally ill you haven't got the energy to fight with the children as well. You did the best you could in the circumstances. But your case proves the point that sometimes you have to over-rule the kids for their own good in the long-term.

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