How do you get over "I want to go where my friends are going"

[create]

DS1 (yr5) goes to the local primary, which we have been largely pleased with.

The local Comp has a very poor reputation and results.

I have recently started to broach the subject of where he might possibly go to secondary school - just in a chatty way, no decisions to be made yet etc.

He is absolutely set on the idea that the only place he will go is the local school where his friends will go. He was a late developer socially and was slow to make friends when he started school, but now is very much part of a close knit group of 6 lovely boys, so I do understand his concerns. I also know that even if they all end up at the same school, their abilities are mixed, so they're unlikely to all be in the same classes etc.

How on earth do you persuade a 10yo that it won't be the end of the world to go to a different school and make new friends, that the quality of the school is more important, that different schools will suit different children.

Ultimately, how much say does the child get?

He's currently sobbing in bed because I just suggested that which ever school he goes to he'll soon make new friends.

[cumbria81]

My sister was exactly the same as your son. When she was in year 6 she was in a very tightly knit group of 5 girls. She was the only one that went to a different secondary. A few weeks in she'd made totally new friends who she is still in touch with at 27 and forgotten the primary friends. it happens.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I'm having the same thing with DD, also Yr 5.

She and her best mate are hoping to pass the 11+ and got to the grammar.

We looked round the local comps as well and DD decided which one she preferred out of them. We were happy with her choice, it isn't the top result comp but close to it (56% get 5 GCSES). DD has now found out her best mate likes another comp and will go there if she doesn't pass the 11+. This school has a 36% GCSE pass rate and we thought it was awful when we went to look round it. Disinterested staff, staff who were pushing the fact that DD could choose to do NVQs rather than GCSEs if "you don't like exams". I know NVQs have their place for certain kids but don't think teachers should be pushing it as an exciting option to a kid they met 5 seconds ago and have no idea about their ability.

Anyway we will put our foot down as hell will freeze over before I put it down on the option form.

[kangers]

I sent my two eldest away from their friends. I could use the Harry Potter adventure/ you can reinvent yourself argument. The eldest DS made new friends and kept the old ones too. I still have huge regrets at times (His old friends are planning their prom- and he will be going to a different prom with his new friends). I thkn it may be better to break friendships, but most of the time he likes seeing old and new friends, and I think I'm more bothered about the prom thing than him.
The proof will be in his exam results- I sent him there to get good grades- He will sit them in a couple of months. I think in the long run it is worth it. Stick with it.
My DD in Y9 also sees old and new friends, but more new. She loves the school and they both feel a part of the school as its so good at creating a 'family' atmosphere. You can't predict the future but have to do waht you think is best. The child also makes a difference- my DS is less able than my DD- I would not have been so keen to make the switch with her, as she would do well anywhere.
Kez100 is right- check out the school yourself too- don't just go on hearsay.

[menagerie]

Reassure him by making promises about when he can see them outside school. explain they won't be in the same classes. Explain the problems with the school. He's 10. However shy he is, he's old enough to begin to learn that some decisions are tough for the right reasons. And you can't guarantee the friends will stay. They might move away or switch schools themselves.

He will make new friends, and still keep his old ones. that's true of all the boys I know who went off to independent schools. they still see local friends at the comp outside school hours - play sport together, have sleepovers.

The best school for him will be the one that helps him grow and thrive most, not the one that allows him to shelter under the shell of a tight knit group of primary friends. You know that, he doesn't, so you have to weather the fears and reassure him that you believe he can handle it well when the time comes.

[lambbone]

Crossword Addict makes a good point that perhaps need re-emphasising: you are assuming that all the other boys in this little set will be going to the local school that you are nervous about, but it's quite possible that similar conversations are going on in those homes, and those families are also considering the alternatives. People can be a little reticent at the school gate about secondary school choices - we know how inflammatory such discussions can get!

On a personal note, DD2 went to the same (mixed) school as her sister (which has a rather lively reputation!), but most of the girls in her primary class went to the local girls' school - these things seem to go in fashions. She's made plenty of friends at her secondary school, but sees the others just as much, and in fact the groups seem to be merging. They all live in the same town after all!

[CrosswordAddict]

pranma Your story was so poignant! Sorry about your loss. I agree with you that when you have someone terminally ill you haven't got the energy to fight with the children as well. You did the best you could in the circumstances. But your case proves the point that sometimes you have to over-rule the kids for their own good in the long-term.

[pranma]

I made such a mistake with this-both my dc got scholarships to an excellent independent /direct grant[70s] school.Both insisted on the local comp with their friends.Their dad was terminally ill and I didnt have the strength to argue.When ds went my dh had just gone into hospital and when it was dd's turn he was dying.I gave in to the dc and have many many regrets though both did well they would have done better I am sure.They were too young to understand and now both of them wish I had insisted on their taking up the places.

[CrosswordAddict]

I think I just posted a message about this over on the Education thread. Sorry for duplicating the advice.
I have first hand experience of this. My own DDs were the only two from their primary school to go to their high school. They have never looked back.
I did my best to help them keep in touch with their old friends from Primary but they chose to cut them off. Don't think it was a bad thing looking back.
The break is not as traumatic as they think it's going to be. Also when they finally leave school and get a job they won't have their primary school friends holding their hands. It sounds harsh but they need to break away if they are going to develop into independent people.
It must be lovely for him to have five close friends and feel part of their cosy group though Try to find one boy from the group who is not going to the local comp and work on him to maybe go for grammar with that boy [if he has the ability] That might work or maybe not.
Try to get a taster day at grammar school [if they do one] That could tip the balance, particularly if they have great facilities.
Try to find an older boy who has been to grammar school and get him to do a sales pitch, telling your son just how great it is.
Try bribery - a trip to somewhere he really wants to go. Do whatever it takes but don't let his misplaced loyalty to his friends spoil his chances.
Good luck

[stillfeel18inside]

This is really tricky - we have done the same with DS1 and about to with DS2 (although now we have another problem - he wants to go to either the local school, where his friends are going, or to DS1's school, which is academically selective and I'm not sure he'll get in, so trying to steer him towards option 3 - alternative not so selective school!)

My tips are:

• really encourage him to stay friends with his old friends from primary - my DS1 saw his old friends every weekend in the early days and still sees them a lot - hope he always will they're a great bunch of kids (funnily enough he's better friends with some of them than they are with each other, even though they're at the same school)
  

• also, obviously, really encourage him to meet some potential friends from his new school once you know where he's going - see if you can find out who's going there and suggest meet-ups in the park etc before they even start
  

• take him to see some other schools so that he can a) have a morning off school! b) see for himself what other places have to offer
  

• don't run down the local school to him, however hard that is
  

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[TalkinPeace2]

My Mum remarried when I was 10. I moved from one side of London to the other. Knew nobody. Had the wrong accent. etc etc ; I know about not fitting in at secondary - but I also know that kids just have to fit in sometimes. I am not in touch with anybody from any of my schools. My friends all date from Uni or later.

[wordfactory]

Personally, I would have set my stall out earlier. DC that know all along that they are not going to the same school as their best pals worry far less.

However, there is still time to explain the reasoning of your decision. Just keep saying it and smiling. Ultimately, your DC will know you have their best interests at heart.

In an ideal world DC can be involved in the decision making process, but sometimes we, the adults, have be the final arbiter.

BTW DD went to a school where she knew no-one. She is having a ball.

[JoyceBarnaby]

I just wanted to say that my mum didn't want me to go to my local comp either. It was exceptionally shite and she really, really hated it. We did look at other schools and I took the 11+, but didn't get into grammar school.

I was desperate to go to the same school as my best friend, which was the local comp, and that's where I went. And I was so happy.

It wasn't just because she was there - I loved the school. I joined a couple of clubs, which I loved, and made a lot of new friends, too. I was one of the brighter students and always felt confident and respected there.

I don't think it ever got a good OFSTED report, but the pastoral care was very good. I did very well at school and went on to become a teacher myself.

I'm not saying you should definitely let your son go to the local comp - if you have other options, you must explore them - but there is so much more to school life than academia. Neither am I saying your son will be unhappy elsewhere - I'm sure what others have said about adapting and looking at different options is true as well. I just thought my story might make you feel better about the alternative!!

[antshouse]

Does he have after school activities where he meets boys from other schools? If not maybe encourage him to join scouts or something. If he has the confidence to start making friends with boys from outside his usual group it could help him feel more relaxed about a new school.
My DD started secondary with only 2 girls that she knew from primary, however she found she also knew a couple from music, one from dancing and an old friend from brownies.

[janeyjampot]

Does the school you have in mind take children from lots of different schools? Or from one or two feeders? I think the answer to that will make a big difference to how easy it is for 'an outsider' to settle in. If it's the former, then I'm sure the school will make a lot of effort to integrate children and to ensure that they have plenty of opportunity to make new friends.

Both of my DDs started secondary without knowing anybody, but this was quite common at their school and there were plenty of initiatives in place to help them to settle in quickly.

DD1 was adamant that she was going to secondary with all her friends from primary until we went to the open days. She could tell that the school they were going to wouldn't be right for her. Although it made for an uncomfortable couple of terms at the end of Y6 and a very nervous summer holiday, everything was fine and we often talk about the difference that changing schools has made to all of our lives.

[bruffin]

but millimurphy - I know dcs that have been bullied by their former friends, because friends are now little tiddlers in an ocean when they were once big fish in a little pond. They need to regain the balance and often pick on their friends.

My DD has managed to stay in touch with her old friends from primary and made lots of new friends at secondary.
My DS was picked on by his old friends although one of them is now one of his best friends at school but it took a while for them to be friends again as he was left hurt and not wanting to make friends again.
They go to school which is not local but with good transport connections so can easily get to their secondary friends, although most of DS's friends now go to completely different schools altogether.

[Skinit]

Oh I do feel for you! I think Acanthus is right...you're doing the best thing for him...he has fears naturally, which could possibly be heped by letting him have alook at one of the schools of your choice now....maybe he could join scouts in the same area? Then he would know some of the local lads when it starts.

I think you're doing the right thing though.

[millimurphy]

Can't really suggest anything - everyone else seems to think you should lay down the law and send him to the school of your choice. Fair enough, you're the parent. My parents did exactly the same thing to me, split up from everyone I knew so I could go to the 'better' school. Had four years of bullying hell from the bastards. Most of the other little shits knew each other and I was an outsider from day one. Can still remember how unhappy I was every day going to that school and I'm in my 30's now. So it's up to you but this is just another angle on the situation. Maybe it will turn out fine, he'll make new friends and have a carefree secondary school existance. But please don't just dismiss your son's feelings because he is 'just a child'. Secondary school can last a long, long time :(.

[SandStorm]

Just a little thing but make sure you tell him that wherever he goes, he will still be able to stay in touch with his current friends. When my DD1 was at that stage she was convinced that it would be the end of all her friendships (she went to a school that none of her cohorts went to). It took a little while to persuade her otherwise but now she has two sets of friends - secondary and primary.

[Bonsoir]

I think that the change to secondary from primary is one of the those life stages when you have to be prepared, as a parent, to put your child's immediate concerns to one side and to make the best possible decision for his/her future, all things considered. The move from primary to secondary is a big and important one and children don't necessarily get this. Explain to your DS why you are making a decision that he finds hard, but don't be swayed.

[Kez100]

I wouldn't just decide the local comp isn't good based on statistics. You need to both go there, talk to people and then see if you are still of a different mind afterwards.

Also, go to your preferred school and do the same.

Parents get swayed very easily by a few statistics and it's not just that which is important. Cildren often pick up on that when they visit.

On the other hand, others are right, new friends will be made even if he stays local that will happen. There is an advantage to being local though as weekend and after school visits by friends is much easier.

[bruffin]

There is no guarantee they will stay his friends. I know of lots of upset year 7's who have gone with friends, only to find that some of them branch off to new friendship groups leaving their old friends behind.

[Acanthus]

What are your options? If there's not much to choose then social considerations could swing it. But fundamentally the school has to be right. We moved from state to selective independent. DS1 hasn't looked back. And funnily, DS2 seems to assume he will go there too!

[reddaisy]

How much better would your choice of secondary be? If there isn't much in it, could you let him go where his friends are going?

[TalkinPeace2]

You are the adult
you have to tell them

one of DDs cohort was allowed by his parents to choose his secondary for social reasons
he's at the sink school and is stuck