I have a yr12 dd who will not discuss life post A level. Help

[mrsrhodgilbert]

My lovely dd1 is causing me some heartache. She is a lovely girl but really shy. She is enjoying 6th form but when we try to talk to her about what she might do when she finishes school next summer she gets quite upset.

She seems unable to cope with the thought that life as she knows it will cease and she needs to take the next step. I would like to say that we reassure her that we are certainly not trying to get rid of her and she can stay here forever etc. But the reality is that she will need to do something, even if that turns out to be getting a job and staying here with us.

I was desperate to leave home at 17/18 and my first day at uni. couldn't come soon enough so I cannot relate to this easily. It is a huge compliment that she is so happy here but I want her to get out there and see what the world has to offer. In summer she will go with school to look around some universities and I hope she will get swept along with the general excitement.

I feel like I am the only mum with a child who is so scared of the future. Have any of you had a similar experience and how did it work out? By the way I don't think this reluctance has anything to do with fear over tuition fees and debt. She even gets homesick when we go for a weeks family holiday. She just loves her home and doesn't want life to change.

Is there a Uni near you that she could look into?
How has she coped with A level study? It's a big leap from GCSE so perhaps she's finding it hard.
Could she organise some work experience for the summer? EVen making plans for this summer might make the whole future planning thing seem less daunting.

We took her to see where her dad and I studied (and met) last September as part of a day out. It was meant to be a gentle introduction and she didn't freak but has shown no interest since. I think she might be struggling with her History AS although she is loving English, Psychology and Biology and I have asked her to speak to her 2 history teachers, but even that will be a challenge. She did get a Christmas job in Paperchase which was very good for her. But it is proving difficult finding another now.

She is a bit interested (so luke warm I know) in Physio/Speech therapy and last week went on a trip to our local hospital for a look round with a few others. Unfortunately they were shown the kitchen, offices, corridors, equipment being cleaned and the morgue! Consequently she is none the wiser and I am a bit fed up with the school for boasting so much about their 'medical package' if thats it. I do realise that these careers will be hugely over subscribed and there is no way she will be considered with such huge lack of confidence,experience etc. Work experience sounds sensible, I can't imagine sitting around the house for 6 weeks will do her much good.

At this stage in year 12 my two DD's won't showing much interest in what happened after A levels. It took until after AS results for DD1 to start thinking about it so we missed all the summer university open days and the september ones as well. We ended up doing a rush of DIY visits when she finally decided she did want to go to university. She's now in her second year and thoroughly enjoying it.

DD2 was a bit further along at this stage but was still unsure what subject she wanted to study and wasn't particularly enthused by it all as it seemed too far away to think about. It is only now that DD2 (year 13) is starting to look forward to the idea of leaving home (because we are all annoying!). She was perfectly happy at home this time last year and wasn't even thinking about it.

I think I would encourage your DD to do something that will help her confidence. Another part time job if there are any around or work experience and not worry so much about the university thing just yet.

I had students swopping Unis and courses right up to the UCAS deadline in January. I now have one that is determined to go into Extra because he has changed his mind about which uni.

Lots of Year 12s are still operating in Year 11 mode and I don't expect it to change until they get their first unit results in March. It is still early for them to decide and the UCAS preparation for a lot of Sixth Forms doesn't start until after the half term.

I read that as being 12 years old, thought 'you're barking'

Thank you for the positive comments, when I speak to other parents and find that their child is planning to go to X university to do Y course I wonder how they can be so organised and sure. Of course I then blame myself that my child is not so focused and confident. I often wish she were 12 again, all of this was so far away then and I have to admit I would do a few things differently re pushing her more to do challenging things.

However, she has come home with details of 2 sessions which school are arranging about careers in Psychology and hospital type therapies. She seems quite excited. Exam results in March may focus her mind a bit more. Her younger sister is so different and confident, it would have been easier if they had been born the other way round.

I thought UCAS forms had to be in by October, which I see as frighteningly close but if it's January then we have a little more time.

they only have to be done by October if they are applying for Oxbridge or medicine (and vet?) courses. Deadline for others is January although schools may have earlier internal deadlines.
With current tuition fee situation a few years out working might not be a bad thing, if that's what she might want to do!

andyballs - me too.

mrsrhodgilbert - try and encourage her to go quite a long way away from home to Uni rather than nearby and living at home. It will make her more independent. Also perhaps make her think about future jobs/careers she might like and then help her work back from there to the kind of course and then back from there to the Universities that do those courses. She needs interview practice too if she is shy.

Maybe her school has some aptitude questionaires to help her understand what kind of jobs she might like. I did one at age 17 and it was quite revealing as well as accurate. I ignored it of course.

When I was that age ,the reason I applied to uni was because I didn't know what to do - I saw it as keeping my options open .
I did English and History and my first career was ...in careers guidance because I felt so much empathy towards all the poor buggers who got so little help and who had no idea about work .
I think she'll just panic if she feels she has to think of a job .
Can't she just think about what she might like to study after A levels ?

She has already said that IF she goes, it will be to somewhere not too far away. We are in Yorkshire so there are options. I would not want her to live at home, that is not the way to do it and fully enjoy it and grow up, but she needn't be on the south coast either.

School have suggested apptitude tests. I spoke to one of the 6th form heads at an introduction to 6th form evening in September. On that same evening he told me that most of the new yr12 knew what they wanted to do after A level and were looking at universities. That made me feel awful but several months on I think that was probably bull*t and not helpful.

The thought of interviews will terrify her, are all prospective students interviewed for every course? What a lot we have to learn.

I think few of her friends have any idea what to study but they are excited at the thought of going away. If we could get to that point I would be happy. I want her to want it.

Gosh she sounds like me at that age - I was continually dumbfounded by how my peers seemed to know what they wanted to do/be, what unis they wanted to go to... I had no idea how to judge what uni or course I should do. My parents wanted to help and I had a procession of visits to random professors/graduates they knew but as I didn't know what to ask or how to contextualise anything it was pointless... I was far too terrified to imagine taking a year out or travelling by myself although that would have been ideal as a way to discover my passions. Can you help her to feel brave enough to dream a little? She really can decide to do anything she wants to (assuming you have money to sub her as you are talking about uni) but I was far to scared to take a jump into the unknown at that age.

It all turned out fine despite my completely random choices but I don't know how to advise your daughter to make a better fist of it! Maybe the answer is, as long as she does something away from home, any uni any course any job, she'll start discovering who she is beyond the family/school unit.

I was like that. At 18 I loved home the walks I knew, my pets, garden, library etc. At uni I suffered dreadful homesickness. I realise now that it was the best thing for me but at the time three years seemed like a prison term.Uni had little to offer me aside from reading books, which I loved. The social side just passed me by. Can't your daughter stay at home and study at a local uni? Maybe that's what she needs right now.

Have to say I disagree! Getting away from home is exactly what was needed for me - but my issues were compounded by the immense amount of over-protection I got from (very caring) parents.

Going to uni is a way to grow up a bit and decide what you want to do with your life. It isnt just about getting a degree. It was a 4 year breathing space I really needed.

In a way, as long as you do a sensible degree at a decent uni, then it doesnt actually matter too much what you do as a subject. Trying to keep your options open with a generic subject such as History, Geography, Physics, English is a good way to go if you dont know exactly what you want as a career. Choose a subject you really like and come out with a good degree and then decide.

I think the answer is a local uni. but with her living away from home. She will have the security of being within easy reach but will hopefully learn to be independent. I presume over the next few months school will kick in with lots of information which will capture her imagination.

I vividly remember when she went on the year 6 outward bound week away. She wouldn't commit to going right up until the day of departure. I literally pushed her up the steps of the coach because I just knew that she would enjoy it once she got there. She was in tears and I was as soon as I was out of her sight. She came back 5 days later having had the best time and was so proud. It feels like that on a much bigger scale.

It is so reassuring to know that some of you felt exactly the same. Sadly I think the days of going to uni. without some long term plan may be over. Is anyone out there having similar issues or do you all have ultra confident teens with great plans?

I know a couple of kids who were very insecure about going away from home. It is a good compromise to go away but near enough that they know there is a safety net if necessary. Staying at home means you don't fully integrate into university life.

As for choosing the subject I'd like to meet all the ones who knew what they wanted to do in the 2nd term of year 12! UCAS application takes an awful lot of time away from studying for A levels. If she is really unsure don't push it and allow her to apply after A level results and take a gap year.
Also let her choose a subject she wants to study rather than thinking too much about a career.

DS1 applied in year 13 and then decided he didn't want to do that subject. He is now doing another A level to get him onto the course he wants and is applying next year. Not advisable however as he now hits the higher fees.

I was exactly the same as your daughter. I really did not want to go to Univeristy (even thuogh I got a place at Cambridge, I just didn't want to leave home) and refused to discuss anything with my parents.

It got to the end of the summer holidays before I was meant to go to Uni and I still hadn't returned any of the forms for accommodation, fees, etc. My poor parents were tearing their hair out.

I think I was in denial and felt if I didn't think about it it was never going to happen.

I really don't know what to advise. For me, I used to hate it when my parents tried to talk to me about it, we ended up having huge rows. So maybe just back off and she will eventually realise it's got to be done.

Oh - and I was also exactly the same as your daughter in year 6. I was the ONLY child in the whole year not to go on the outward bounds week to Snowdonia. The only child in year 7 not to go to the Lakes and even now, at 29, I hate sleeping away from home!

MRG- I sympathize , dd is in year 12, but wont talk about after school plans, at all.
It was meltdown time after gcses as to whether she went to local college or stayed ,tears and lots of confusion ,right up to the very last moment!
Tonight we are going to sit down and do the stanford test (ucas.com)to get her thinking about possible directions (she has no idea!).
I'm secretly thinking that she will finish 6th form, do a 1 year foundation course at the local college, and if she is motivated by then try for sheffield ,leeds or lincoln unis (somewhere in striking distance). I can only think, i cant have expectations.
I think we have to accept that shes a rabbit caught in headlights when after school life is concerned ,so cant expect our children to suddenly become different,but support our kids quietly, without letting them give up. god its hard!

In the good old days you could go to University to grow up. Oh, and get a degree while you were at it. These days, because it is so expensive, I would leave it if she is not ready. There are a few tales on here of those who did a degree post-eighteen, realised years later that it wasn't what they wanted, but when they wanted to retrain couldn't get funding because they had already had their one bite at the cherry.

If she's not ready then she's not ready. If necessary, what until her mates have gone off to Uni and she is the only one left at home; she might wake up and smell the coffee then.

My 18yo niece is like this, her father wanted her to go away to university but instead she commutes 2 hours each way to a "local" university. He hopes she'll move out in the 2nd or 3rd year. She seems quite happy. She's in Yorkshire too, depending on wherabouts in Yorkshire you are, there are lots of university choices not too far from home.

Or you could suggest a year off for her to think a bit post-A level about what she really wants to do.

I was like your DD. I ostriched. I applied, got in, deferred at the Uni I liked best and went and did something vocational for a year. Had I not hit the last fee hike I'd probably have stayed out for a few more years and gone to Uni nowish (but then my life would be crazily different!).

A degree at 18 isn't always the answer - she could do vocational training/work in healthcare if she's interested in the therapeutic side of things which keeps her options open but allows her to stand on her own two feet a bit more and get relevant experience even if only fir a year. She can then apply with the confidence of knowing results, a bit of experience in what she wants to do and some cash! You don't need to go travelling to make a gap year worthwhile.

That said a degree in a subject which keeps options open isn't wasted, particularly if it's a well regarded Uni and you can often take additional or postgraduate training at a later date.

At the end of the day, your DD cherishes her family and home and sounds like a kind, thoughtful person. These qualities aren't generally valued in young people these days, but they should be.

I agree with Snap - a degree is never wasted, but most people only get to do the one, so your DD could wait a little before committing and will probably benefit more because of that.

If you could afford for her to even volunteer in a relevant area of work, this would give her the edge inlater degree applications.

Thank you so much for all your lovely replies and understanding. It is very comforting to know that she is not unique and that taking a year out would not be viewed as failure. She is never going to be the one that goes on a great round the world adventure, but I'm sure we can find something for her to do, we would be happy and able to support her.

Cumbria81, your description sounds very familiar. If we try to discuss this with her, which has not been often because of the overwhelming feelings and upset it creates, it ends in her shouting and crying.

I think she has been a little spoilt, in the nices tway. We live in a beautiful town which is pretty safe, I am a SAHM and am always here at the end of the school day and I think she feels very protected and looked after. Nothing wrong with all that but she's not very street wise. Driving lessons are next on the agenda with an instructor to begin with. That should help with confidence (after the initial terror).

Maybe we should back off until it is obvious until the school are getting into gear with their preparation. As she will be in the first round of students hitting the increased fees it might not be such a bad idea to avoid the initial chaos.

School will be pushing for as many students as possible to go to uni. because it looks good in their stats. It is a state school but a very well regarded one. However there may be a few others this time who, because of the rise in fees, want to take a little more time deciding what they really want to do. For purely selfish reasons it would be great if she were not alone.

I?ve been with the same kind of situation with DS1, he was terrified to go to university or move to the next stage of his life. Like your DD he loves home and unable to engage himself with the planning and deciding where to study. He finally agreed to stay close to home but live in student hall. I was in bits and could not reassure him enough. Mind you I was moved he loved his home but also he would have missed out on opportunities. It finally became reality after A level result and got to his firm. Even then he was mentioning he made a mistake of choosing a wrong course or university. Now 6 month on the line he lives in student hall, 45 minutes away and rarely sees him. But he calls or text every 3 days. He is happy of the hall, the university even if he won?t admit it he is enjoying the whole thing.

My advice is making it clear that she have to make decision and make the transition slowly and carefully. In my case he was managing the whole A level stress but didn?t want to think what is next. Your DD may have different out look of growing up and doesn?t feel she is up to it yet, this was the case with mine. Who says every 17/18 years old reaches to the transition to adult hood the same time, some needs special attention than others.