Was going private worth the money?

[wisecamel]

Hi, I'm wondering whether it's worth going back to work in order to send DD (9) to a private secondary. She's quite bright, but no genius, has mild dyslexia and loves swimming, which she is talented at for her age.

No-one in my family or DH's has ever done this for their DCs, but I am tempted as I can tell which of my friends has been privately educated: they tend to have a kind of easy confidence which I would love to have myself and would certainly like my DC to have if possible.

We couldn't afford to pay loads, but probably could go to £15K per year if I returned to work, bearing in mind DS is two years younger so we'd need to do the same for him.

If you've put your DC through private school, do you honestly think it was worth it, not just for academic reasons?

I am sending dd to a private school but it is too soon to tell if it was worth it. To date I am certainly not disappointed and do think it is money well spent.

I attended private school (for secondary only) and while I think I may have achieved similar grades at a state school, I remember on one occasion going for a summer job while at uni and when the interviewer looked at my CV he said "I see you went to XX school, when can you start?"

My sister has been involved in recruitment for a financial company. She told me recently about a series of interviews (graduate level recruitment) she did and the fact that they hired a guy who went to our school. I asked her if that had swayed her judgement, and she said absolutely not, however he was much better prepared for the interview than others who had done the same uni course, and when asked about why he wanted the job he talked about clubs that he went to at school whereas the other candidates couldn't talk about anything.

I went from PT to FT work in order to fund dd at school but I wouldn't just look at a private v state school dilemma, pick the the school that is right for your dc, that is what is most important.

If you have just watched 'Who Gets The Best Jobs' you will see it is very much worth the money.

My dd1 went to a highly selective school (top of league table). She was by no means top of the class and would possibly have achieved as much academically if she had gone to a state school; we will never know. She attributes her 'can do' attitude to her education and is very proud of her school. I don't want to get caught up in mn arguments for and against private education as it is like a red rag to a bull for some. On the whole we are glad that we sent her to private school because of the confidence and sense of self esteem she has.

However choose the school carefully. I have noticed that some private schools turn out arogant and snobbish pupils. These tend to be schools that are not academically selective and admission is based purely on parents' ability to pay.

Litchick, I must admit I did watch it to see what the conclusion was! DD won't be living off us for years and years though doing internships so that might be a disadvantage.

I suppose I lack confidence and certainly felt like the token 'comp kid' at my university. Not sure how much confidence comes from your parents and how much from education though so she might be doomed anyway.

Crystal, I certainly don't want to start a fight! My privately educated friends can walk into any room full of people thinking, 'why wouldn't they like me? I'm interesting company and a good listener' whereas I and some of my state educated friends would think 'I hope I fit in and can say the right thing'!

I think that's the difference, but I don't know how the schools do it...I suppose that's what you pay for, or perhaps they just get it from their parents?

wisecamel I am from very humble stock and went on to go to a great uni and then to work for a law firm in the city.

So it's not impossible.

However, the issue of internships, the cost of uni and law school etc is massive.
As is the very poor advice many state school pupils receive about their options.

I'm not sure what is to be done about those things.

The problem here is extrapolating results from a small sample - I know plenty of people who have the inner confidence that is somehow mythically installed by private schools and yet they actually went to state schools.

I never felt out of place at my top university even though I went to a fairly dreadful comp and when DH interviews people for graduate jobs he is certainly not interested in what school they went to.

I'm not interested in fighting about the relative merits of state/private but maybe it's a self fulfilling prophesy. We expect confidence and "can do" from a people with a private education and so that is what we get.

Wisecamel - my dd1 has a very strong work ethic and a belief she can achieve whatever she wants if she's prepared to put in the effort. It was instilled in the pupils that they were privileged to be educated in such a school.

There may be something in what you say about the life long influence of private education - who0 knows. I was educated privately and have never thought of myself as any different in behaviour or attitude to friends who went to state schools, so I have been rather bemused when some have said that I have a poise or quiet confidence that marks me out. I definitely don't feel it and wonder if they are just trying to fit me into their stereotypical beliefs.

webwiz - you have put it much better than I.

I think that private education can give someone a leg up in some professions, for example banking or top law firms, but it can also be detrimental or make absolutely no difference at all. It has neither helped nor hindered me in my career; the subject has never been raised in any job interviews. If there is a 'job for the boys scenario' I think it can just as easily happen if you went to the same state school, or the same university (ex poly or oxbridge - could be any) as your potential emplyer

Going private is not about A'level results or future careers. That is very short-sighted. Going private should be about bringing out the best in one's child. There is no doubt I made the right decision as my children have never been happier.

I second FloreatEtonia's view. Everything else is secondary in my opinion. In my experience (I and my DH are contentedly comp educated but our children are at well-known schools) a carefully chosen, high quality, private school has the resources to treat each child as an individual; helps children find the best inside themselves and supports them in bringing it out. The thought that you might be better at some things than you realised if you only try might lead to greater confidence and willingness to try new things later in life perhaps? This is not to say it does not happen in the state system, but I think resourcing means it happens less. In addition, as someone pointed out, good academics may be found in the state system, in comprehensives, not in grammars alone, so strong private schools have to offer something different.

I think my husband and I, along with a number of posters on here, belie the notion that you need social contacts from your school days in order to succeed: they may be found at university or through work too and I would say I had a number of people help me specifically because I wasn't from a well-connected or middle class family.

My caveat is that people's judgement of what constitutes a "top" public school can differ somewhat.

It's interesting about the self-fulfilling prophesy. If I'm brutally honest, I would have higher expectations of DD appearing self-assured and confident if I was shelling out extra cash. I wouldn't expect her to feel it all the time, but at least have learnt to be able to turn on the charm temporarily to get the job done.

I think that academically, DD will do fine at either state or private. A really good state school will also have debating societies, visiting speakers and teachers with time to listen to the children's ideas as well as being disciplined. These do seem to be few and far between though!

Starts browsing job ads...

Cross post Timebends, I think you've got a good point...and that is the sort of school I'd like her to go to.

I think it's all about the predominant attitudes and expectations within the private sector.

DH & I had both experiences between us - he was privately educated, and I went to a very big comprehensive. Our academic achievements are similar, but I felt I had to battle harder for mine, as I was one of a small minority of 'very academic' children at my school and we pretty much had to get on with ourselves.

In a good private school the expectation is that everyone has talents of one kind or another, and is expected to use them/ demonstrate them. There is a culture of success/ confidence/ aspiration. Since parents are paying, they are more than likely to play an active role/ have an interest in their child's education etc.

DS1 is 11, and we went to look around the local 'Outstanding Ofsted' secondary school.
We asked the pupil showing us around about some Duke of Edinburgh expedition photos, and she said, "oh, they were from a couple of years ago, I don't think DoE happens anymore. Nobody could be arsed to turn up, so they canned it...."

Wholeheartedly agree with Floreat! Not about getting 'the best' results but about where the child is happiest and can best flourish. We are happy to spend money so the DC can enjoy their schooldays where they are most stretched and stimulated. Not expecting to get a 'return on investment' by them doing well fiancially - what awful pressure to put on a child! Happy childhood - then up to them what they choose to do as adults.

wisecamel I would say go for it, largely for the reasons given by other posters - smaller classes, realising child's potential etc. Plus, from your own POV it will give your own life a sense of focus, something to aim for, IYSWIM So go for it, don't even hesitate, go for it.

Many of my Uni friends were at private.
For various reasons (not living in London among them) all of our children have gone to state.
Two of my friends' children are now at oxford and a third is on the way.
We expected our children to excel.
The ones at Oxford do not feel hamstrung by having gone to comps. Their accents have become a tad plummier but their self confidence came from within.

Is the REAL issue that children whose parents believe in them and show it through paying through the nose for their education have a level of confidence that stands them in good stead.
I am showing confidence in my children by telling DD that yes, I will support her through 6 years of Vet school when she gets in etc.

We have a good state school near us, but chose independent as my eldest DS has ASD - at the (supposedly caring) state school when discussing things with the special needs co-ordinator she got us to 'spot' the ASD child in a year 8 class!!!! So he did not go there! independent has proved to be more caring, somewhat more sheltered - important for kids with any form of difference / difficulty and gives more time / individual attention. I am pleased for the choice we made - he is now in sixth form and I hear horror stories from parents with ASD kids in other schools - but he is toddling along nicely so far. BUT, you can never really tell - you pays your money and takes your choice...as my old dad used to say!!

TalkinPeace -I think you have a point...

DH & I had the debate about whether the kids would end up in the same place if they went to the 'good' state school, and by saving the money of school fees, I then wouldn't have to work and could 'invest' my energies in doing all the things with them after school/ at weekends which they might miss out on otherwise.

In the end we opted for private, as I felt the school would do a better job of extra-curricular stuff than I would, and I actually quite like working!

It's also about peer group influence too. AT my school there was a very small group of 'academic' children for me to choose from as my friendship group. Although it was a 'good' school there were still a significant number of anti-social, rude, bullying, time-wasting kids on whom the staff had to spend a disproportionate amount of time. I would like my kids to not have to put up with all that, and have a wide range of like-minded friends around them.

When people say that private schools have smaller classes, how small do they mean? My dd1's private school had abouyt 24 in the primary part and 25/6 pupils per class in the secondary part. Is that small?

I think private schools open up more opportunities for children. They tend to have better resources and kids will do stuff they wont do at most state schools. They tend to have smaller classes.

However, like all schools, if your child doesnt get on with the teacher, then it can be a disaster.

I dont think most private schools can cater for special needs issues as well as state schools.

I have friends whos kids have gone to both and I wouldnt say one group is better than the other. It will be interesting to see how they cope as adults. In their cases I feel its down to the characters of the children as to how well they succeeded.

Private schools open up "old boys network" for jobs in the future.

I think most people send their children to private schools so that the school gets the best out of the child and pushes for results - thats what you pay for after all, but get a good teacher in a state school and...... your child can succeed just as well.

Its a hard choice. If I had money I would send my children to private schools, but I dont so they will be going to state schools.

One of the guys who works for me went to private school (primary and secondary). He is the least confident person I know. He is always seeking validation for his opinions, choices and decisions.

Dh and I went to a low standard comps, ended up with PhDs and now have a well paid jobs with people working for us, quite a few of them privately educated.

My confidence came from my parents who believed in me and told me that I was just as good as anybody else. Parents who send their children to private school have to convince themselves that they are getting something mystical for the money they shed out, imo.

DH and I send our 6yo boys to state schools even though we can comfortably afford private because we believe it is us who will make the difference to our boys inner confidence, motivation and aspiration. I never understand why parents think that this is at school their children will gain their inner confidence, hard work ethic and aspiration. There are 24 hours in a day, children spend 6-7 hours a day at school, about 8-10 hours are spent sleeping, evenings are with parents, weekends are with parents, school holidays are with parents.

Our focus is on making sure our boys are happy, partake in the many opportunities they have access to (they currently are learning the piano, French, attend beavers, swim and soon will sing in a choir). At their state school, they do cricket, football, hockey,dance, read everyday, write, can do algebra already, can point to England, USA, Australia, Nigeria etc on the map,go on many school trips.

In terms of class size, they have TAs (just like private schools) and are taught in ability groups that can number 5 or 6 and that is why the class size argument rarely stands up to scrutiny imo.

I personally don't see private education as value for money because the rewards do not often outstrip the rewards of state educated children in my personal experience.

Mariepuree, why have you 'winked' at the idea of privately educated people working for you. I was privately educated (and have a PhD) and no doubt I have worked for some people who were state educated.