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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Was going private worth the money?

80 replies

wisecamel · 02/02/2011 22:02

Hi, I'm wondering whether it's worth going back to work in order to send DD (9) to a private secondary. She's quite bright, but no genius, has mild dyslexia and loves swimming, which she is talented at for her age.

No-one in my family or DH's has ever done this for their DCs, but I am tempted as I can tell which of my friends has been privately educated: they tend to have a kind of easy confidence which I would love to have myself and would certainly like my DC to have if possible.

We couldn't afford to pay loads, but probably could go to £15K per year if I returned to work, bearing in mind DS is two years younger so we'd need to do the same for him.

If you've put your DC through private school, do you honestly think it was worth it, not just for academic reasons?

OP posts:
seeker · 04/02/2011 20:03

My favourite sweeping generalization is the "no badly behaved, out of control children at private schools"

A friend's child is being badly bullied at a well known London Prep = he is regularly called a "Nazi Jew Killer" because he has a German last name.

Another friend's child is on his last warning for drunkenness at a very famous public school. He's 14.

AmDramMam · 04/02/2011 20:30

My DCs are still in early stages of private education so I'm not 'looking back' on it yet.

However, I can already say 'yes' because, regardless of how they turn out or how successful they are, I will know on my death bed that I did what I felt was best for my children at the time and within the resources and opportunities available to me.

Ormirian · 04/02/2011 20:37

Don't know.

I went to a private school. So did DB. We've both done OK after a fashion (i'm 45 and he's 51) but it's impossible to tell how we would have done if we'd gone to state schools.

Might be telling that we are both sending our DC to state schools.

jumpingcastles · 04/02/2011 20:46

there are very bad private schools and there are very bad state schools

there are very good private schools and there are very good state schools.

you can find any example to fit these descriptions

no point in trying to counter argue each other.

this discussion is very tiring.

Beveridge · 04/02/2011 21:13

"no badly behaved, out of control children at private schools"

Oh, the naivety!

I taught at 3 schools in my year as a student, one of which was private and the worst classes I encountered were definitely at the selective private school - the misbehaviour was of a much more manipulative and imaginative nature than anything I had encountered in the state schools, which made it much harder to clamp down on.

While there, I was also told about the case of another independent school who on Muck Up Day the previous year had had their computer suite trashed by senior pupils.

Interesting to see that many people dwell on how the state schools measure up to the private ones, what about considering things from the other way round?

One of the pastoral care staff at the private school I was placed at claimed that their job was different from what they would be doing at a state school because 'obviously we don't have the same issues here'.

Because 'obviously', if you earn enough to pay private school fees, then you would never abuse your children. Hmm

And as far as I was aware, the best predictor of academic success has always been parental income anyway, regardless of private or state education.

sue52 · 04/02/2011 21:40

I really don't know. My parents scrimped to send all their children to private school as they believed it was the right thing to do. We all have done well and have a good standard of living but I think we were all motivated, intellectually curious and reasonably bright so we would have achieved similar results at a good state secondary. My girls have done very well at state schools, just using independent at 6th form . DH and I have never had to deprive ourselves of life's luxuries to pay for school fees as my parents did (and never ceased telling us).

Jajas · 05/02/2011 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonMother · 05/02/2011 17:12

I agree, jumpingcastles! It all depends on what options you have and what your child is like.

Our daughter went to our nearest comprehensive school because we genuinely felt that it was the best option we had for her. It wasn't a perfect experience by any means but many years on (she's 18 now) I still think it was the right thing for her. She moved to an independent school for the sixth form because of the subjects she wanted to study, which weren't all available at her old school, and I think benefited from that a lot. It's complicated for her as she has Asperger's and the social side of things has always been very different from most pupils' experience. Also, she has cognitive difficulties, which cause problems with exams and weren't picked up on at all at the comp, so she wasn't seen by an EdPsych until sixth form - and we had to pay, because she was attending an independent school. The fact that we were council tax payers and had sent her to Lewisham state schools for 13 years where they had failed to refer her to an EdPsych was irrelevant. Angry But I digress.

My son couldn't follow his sister to the comp as it's girls only. Couldn't get him into a state school we thought would suit his needs so at 11 he went to an independent school. He is very bright, quite geeky, works hard, behaves well at school, reads a lot, quiet - our view, rightly or wrongly, was that he would not be stretched enough at the schools that could offer a place, because they would have hardly any other children of his level of ability. We also felt (and so did he) that he could be very isolated socially.

He's in the sixth form now and I can honestly say that I don't regret one penny of the money we've spent over the last 5.5 years. He's done extremely well - not just academically, there's been a lot of other stuff going on as well - and he's happy and we have had no concerns at all during that time. That was what we wanted.

But if he'd been a bit different it would probably have been a different decision.

VeggieReggie · 05/02/2011 17:20

I went to a very good private school. I still don't think it was worth it, for me. I would have done as well from a grammar, or comp.
And done much better had my kind and supportive parents saved the money for a deposit on my first flat! Or for their own pension, which would have taken a current worry off my shoulders.

Lucylu5 · 28/02/2011 00:34

My children are both in private schools......it has cost us a small fortune....but the experiences, education, and chance to shine as pay me back tenfold!

oldieneedsreminding · 28/02/2011 00:37

yes to original posters original query

EarDrop · 28/02/2011 17:42

yes to OP

noddyholder · 28/02/2011 17:58

It depends what you wish for your kids.If it all all academic and you hope they will be more accepted in certain circles then maybe but if you want a well educated rounded happy person then it depends.I went to private school and did all the exams and more but hated it and the field where I have eventually made a living was not encouraged at all yet i am doing well at it blah blah.My ds is at a comprehensive locally and has had a far better education than I had.It was more social community and pupil based and nothing to do with who knows who etc.Life is not all about schools and unis I have very few friends working in the field they studies at uni apart from the obvious doctors and solicitors

Kez100 · 28/02/2011 19:22

A friend of mine had to take her girls out of private education during year 5 (youngest) and year 7 (eldest) because her relationship broke down. She worried a great deal because she could only get them into the local comprehensive, despite such a great start to their education. They both thrived.

One is now at Oxford University. The other studying A levels having achieved a string of high grade GCSE's.

These two young ladies are very happy, confident and able with great futures ahead, I feel.

Kez100 · 28/02/2011 19:25

I ought to give my experience: I went to a dire comprehensive. I am in an equal business partnership with someone privately educated at Eton.

Northernlurker · 28/02/2011 19:29

If I had the money dd1 would be in a private school now and I'm realy regretting I can't do that.
She is very bright and basically the effect that her school is having on her is to make her want to be anything but. It's a decent comp - supposedly - but all I here from her atm is 'I want to be normal'. Just had an hours battle over a masterclass she's been put forward for because she's considered G&T. She flatly refused and I'm flatly refusing to let her refuse. She will be doing it. Her school is not teaching her to aspire and her contemporaries, lacking that aspiration, are actually holding her back now. Am very miserable about it.

grovel · 28/02/2011 19:50

Northernlurker, I think you've hit the nail on the head.
My son (19)was at a private school. My discussions with the teachers were about Oxbridge, London, Durham, Bristol etc.
My brother's children were at a good comp. They are every bit as bright as my son and were taught well but there was no aspiration at all. The teachers seemed to be afraid of the best universities. Ridiculous.

Northernlurker · 28/02/2011 19:56

It's blooody depressing. Dd just said she hates me Sad

Kez100 · 28/02/2011 20:25

I agree aspirations of some schools can make such a difference when children are this age.

Is there anyone successful you know who she looks up to who she can talk to? Especially if its a line of work or study she is interested or GT in.

My school was, as I said, dire. That was 30 years ago. Despite me being in the top set(out of 10 sets) I 'escaped' to college at 16 with 6 O levels. Thats what top set used to get - 6 or 7 O levels Grade C or above. Sets 2-10 sat a mixture of O's and CSEs!

College was the making of me because I was treated as an adult and was amongst people who wanted to do that course and wanted to achieve. We spent time in real businesses and with real businessmen - nothing so aspirational than people like that when you're that way inclined. That's when I thrived. Wish I had met these successful people earlier.

clutteredup · 28/02/2011 22:46

My Dad told me recently that my private education was a waste of his money. I went to a good girls school followed by 6th form at top boys school.
I was hurt but he had a bit of a point in so far as I wanted to got to the local comp- fingers crossed the one I want DS to get into oddly enough - but as he was in the forces so it had to be boarding school. I hated my school and did less and less work as the years progressed although did pull my finger out for O levels. In the 6th form I was up against really clever people, felt really dumb but enjoyed the boys!
I ended up with a good degree from a good university , but not Oxbridge, am a happy mother of 3 and a teacher just getting back to work .
Was it a waste of money or not , who will ever know. It was his choice not mine to send me, I suppose I didn't take the opportunities I was expected to, Oxbridge , contacts with influential people...I don't know what he expected to get for his money really.

maggotts · 01/03/2011 00:32

Yes. For the B team sport and the music and the pancake races and the candlelit carols in the cathedral and the pantos and the Latin plays etc etc. And for not getting into boys and make up and all that jazz until Year 10. And for getting a failing KS2 SATS child to the point where she is predicted a lot of A/A* (admittedly anything could happen here yet) whereas best friend who was always more able at primary is in foundation group maths with max C possibility (and doing diploma which may be worthless now abandoned by new govt). And for the belief in herself that she is actually clever and worthwhile (which primary destroyed).

But as someone else said, this is only our experience at one school (and not a pricey one at that as is GDST)!

wordfactory · 01/03/2011 12:14

Northernlurker I feel for your DD.

I hear all the time on MN that a bright child will 'do well anywhere,' but it's BS, frankly.

When you're surrounded by low aspirers it's so hard. You just want to fit in, of course, you do.
At my school it wasn't cool to work hard or want to do well. High achievers were laughed at. Everyone endlessly moaned about hating lessons.

But you must be like my Mum. You must stick your chin in the air and insist your DD be the best she can be.
It won't be easy (for either of you) but the results will be worth it.

lateSeptember1964 · 01/03/2011 13:05

Yes for many of the reasons that Maggott has listed. For my ds who was written off in year 9 as a child never likely to achieve and now I see him predicted B/A. He was told he would be unlikely to achieve any maths exam and early this year he passed GCSE at C grade. He is now working towards a higher grade. The confidence that has given him is unbelievable. All I ever wanted for him was to have an education so that he could make choices about his future and in 2 years his private school has given this to him. I am not prepared to take any chances with my other ds's.

uptuck · 01/03/2011 14:51

One thing that's very clear from this thread is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer.

My daughter has been privately educated until now, but will move to a state school next year (Y9). I hadn't planned on sending her to a private school, but she went to the nursery, and one thing let to another ... so here we are.

It's been worth it, but very expensive, and I just can't afford it any more. Also, her school is making significant changes next year which I'm not happy about, so I don't know whether I'd keep her on even if I could afford it.

What she has gained is confidence, which I hope will sustain her in the state school. She is mildly dyslexic, and I know that this would never have been diagnosed if she had gone to a state school. Not that she needs any specific support - but it's still been useful to know.

Northernlurker · 01/03/2011 16:19

wordfactory - your post has made me cry because that is exactly where we're at.
Dh is really worried too. We're thinking about speaking with her teachers but will have to do it without her knowing (which I don't like at all) because if she knows she will be mortified and upset. Aaaargh!
I keep doing sums in my head - if I got a better job (no chance though atm) could we manage GCSE and A Levels? Maybe - but then her sister would start with one year overlap and how would we pay for that. Then how would we pay for sister plus dd at university? And then there is dd3......