To quit job to be SAHM with kids in childcare?

[TuesTime]

Hi all - I am looking for some advice/wisdom to push me in the right direction or force myself to make a change!

For context - we have got 2 under 2 and I recently went back to work after maternity leave. I work full time and there is no option to work less hours/days - I tried that before and it made the situation so much worse. I am middle level in a big company earning around £50k. I find the day to day of it all incredibly stressful, at the end of each day Im frazzled, constantly worrying about how I'll cope the next day, conversations I need to have etc. I struggle with conflict, and boundaries and am really working on pushing myself and almost using this as an opportunity for personal development. I am proud of my career and I am the kind of person that needs something to give my days purpose and motivate me.

However is it worth it? Im seeing the kids for about 2hrs a day, sometimes less! Barely speaking to my partner as our conversations are usually transactional and around the juggle of childcare, drop offs, appointments, etc. It's not that I desperately want to be a SAHM. I know thats absolutely not an easier option!!

On one hand I'd love to have the kids with me a few days a week, and use the other days for the kids to go to childcare and me do housework, admin, gymming, etc. However will I be judged?! Will I regret it becuase 2 under 2 is really fcking hard!? DH doesn't necessarily want me to work, especially if it's so stressful and would be happy for me to do whatever (I don't need to work - he earns more than enough)

On one hand Im so lucky that I don't have the pressure of needing to keep the job to be able to afford to live, and I wish that meant I took the pressure off myself at work but I just can't seem to do it and drive myself into the ground trying to do a good job!

Has anyone been in this situation and can share their experience? xx

I think it boils down to the family income without you working.
Preschool years it probably would be easier not to work, lots of people will pipe up saying you’ll leave yourself vulnerable though.

It depends on what your partner earns and whether leaving will damage your job prospects down the line.

I was a SAHM for a couple of years and it made DH’s life easier, and I enjoyed it. But in the end I needed something for me, someone to say thank you, so I went back PT.
Ive taken a hit on my pension, but I wouldn’t have done it any different. Time is precious when they are little, as they aren’t little for long.

You would be completely mad to give up your economic independence at a stressful time in your life which is clearly having an impact on your marriage. Imagine adding in total financial dependence on your DH into the mix. Less stress in the shorter term, sure, if you quit your job. but potentially becoming deskilled, finding it tough to get back into the workforce, and unable to leave a marriage that has become unhappy? It’s not worth the risk.

Forget about worrying if you will be judged. Take that completely out of the equation. Do what works for you and your family which enables you all to thrive. Can you look for a different post thats part-time? Be wary of and protect your own future (advice won the hard way, although health and misfortune has played a massive part for me).

If you can afford to stay at home and your partner is in agreement, then I wouldn’t hesitate giving up job to stay at home. DC are are only small. I worked part time, I didn’t regret it, I have so many fantastic memories of my time with DC, time goes so fast, before you know it they will be in school and you won’t get that time again.

Thanks for all the replies so far. I come from a huge family line of SAHM so have always known the woman to rely on the man for financial support. All my siblings and DH siblings have 1 SAHP per family, and there are 10 siblings between us! And by SAHM I mean having never worked, and never intend to when kids grow up.

My salary barely factors in to our income, to put it very crudely, we are very wealthy (but I think its useful context) thanks to DH family money.

Where on earth does it say her marriage is bad

In the real world, plenty of women have a career break with kids if they want and it’s completely fucking fine, especially if OP has the capacity with childcare and a supportive DH to do a bit of networking, some courses, stay in touch with industry news.

Two of my friends literally walked back into jobs in tech and research science, no problem after long 2-3 year maternity leaves. Another friend who is a lawyer, did it about 5 years ago, (had 2 years out no problem) and is still likely going to make partner in the next year.

Only on mumsnet do I hear this thing about ‘financial independence’ and your husband leaving you in ruins.

If this is operating your headspace, just don’t take the risk of having kids full stop. How miserable to never be able slow down if that’s what YOU want.

Of course it’s not advisable to be a housewife for 30 years unless you have zero investments in your name and no income, but that’s very different to having a couple of years out with tiny ones.

If your marriage breaks down you’re likely going to have to recalibrate and change the life decisions that were based on having two incomes. The woman I know who DID maintain her independence had her marriage broke down had to move out of her home and ended up having to go part time because her husband refused to have the kids and do his share of pick ups. She ‘maintained her independence’- still ended up shafted by having kids.

If you don’t need to, don’t.
I’m due back to work soon and I’ll be handing in my notice. Mostly because I’m pregnant again (don’t…) but I’d have had to have quit anyway because childcare in our area is extortionate and my salary wouldn’t even cover it and the people are just arseholes to parents.
I’m taking a break until both babies can be in nursery and then I’ll find a job that doesn’t make me feel like shit.
We can afford for me to be off work but we won’t be swimming in luxury holidays.
Your kids are only little once and if you have the opportunity to be at home with them, take it.

Hello OP. I had 2 under 3 and went back to work full time, they were with a child minder. I could not afford to give up my job. The photos I have of them as toddlers are the most precious to me because I was working, tired, stressed. We only had weekends to enjoy each other and this was usually taken up with housework. These kids are now 30 and 33 and my advice to them is to spend as much time with your babies as possible because they grow so quickly. I miss them so much as toddlers. Leave the job, you can afford it, enjoy your babies, your career can wait.

I don't think it's a good idea to be fully dependent on any man.
Financially, physically or mentally. However given your circs. Can you take a career break ? I did for 4 years after having my second DC and it was a great success. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would become a SAHM in your situation but would suggest, kindly, that you put money aside every single month should you need it in the future. Think of it as your pension fund.

The OP describes how she is currently barely speaking to her partner, and their interactions are entirely ‘transactional’, because they’re about arranging drop offs etc. It would be hardly surprising if two children under two weren’t stressful, and liable to have an impact on her marriage. (Though as she refers to both her ‘partner’ and her ‘DH’, it’s not clear whether she is married, which makes it even more important that she not stop working.)

Never be economically dependent on someone else. It’s not complicated.

Maybe I’m naive but is there really no possibility of doing your job PT even if not at current workplace? For me, with similar levels of income and work stress, that was perfect compromise (and I’ve stayed PT since, kids are now young adults). But that doesn’t mean SAHM for few years is wrong, it’s just that it sounds like you’ve assumed that’s not an option possibly without looking into it elsewhere.

I'm a sahm and I had my dcs in preschool from age 2. I don't think I'd have wanted them in nursery younger than that, as it doesn't benefit them and group childcare is not ideal for younger dcs. I'd consider a childminder or nanny at a younger age. I have loved being a sahm although mine had a bigger gap and I enjoyed being able to give my dcs one to one attention (as the eldest was in preschool before youngest was born). Financially we're fine and I'm not vulnerable due to other income.

Get DH to pay into a private pension for you to cover these years.

If you don’t need the money, go for it. I had 2 under 2 and stayed off for 4 years, I never regretted it and have so many fond memories (although it was tough). Your career will take a hit but you’ll adapt and probably go off in a new direction. Good luck!

of course being a mum to 2 under 2 is easier than working a stressful job AND having 2 under 2.

If you can afford it and if you think you can find work again then I’d consider stopping work for a while.
Who gives a monkeys if you get judged. Some people might judge you but why would you care about their views?
I was a SAHM and I had this thing where I decided to treat it as a job and really try to do a good job of raising my kids. I also thought it very important to do things for myself too - I was never the type to be a martyr. I enjoyed it and I think it worked well for our family. My husband has always been respectful of my SAHM job thankfully.
I did loads of socialising and went to the gym a lot too.
I had 4 under 6 and it was hectic but fun. I know things can be a lot harder for people with kids with additional needs though.

It all sounds so stressful. Just do it. If people judge you, that’s their problem.

What happens to your husband's wealth if you get divorced? Sorry to be blunt, but you have to protect yourself - you simply can't rely on a man. If he's wealthy he has access to the best lawyers to protect his family's interests.

In your situation I think I would look for a different job, maybe a step down as you don't need the money. Something that can be done part-time, so you get some time with the kids but keep your career going. 2 under 2 must be so hard - all my friends who had children that close went a bit mad, tbh. It does get easier. I only know one SAHM, they're a very wealthy family - you must be in quite an unusual position nowadays, to know so many.

If you do stop working, don't stay out of the workforce for years and years. Things change so fast nowadays - your experience will be out of date in a few years.

I would ask your job if you could take a career break for a year. That way you have a way back if you need to go back to work for any reason. I had two under two and went back after my second maternity leave when they were 1 and 2 years old. It’s very tough and my mental health took a battering for a while from the lack of sleep, trying to juggle everything and feeling like a failure both at work and at home. Being a SAHM was never an option for me. In hindsight I would have benefitted from an extra year off work. They are 4 and 5 now and it’s so much easier and I still work full time. It would take a lot for me to give up my career

You can do both, take time out, rely on the man and then find a better balance and your own income/wealth. Do aim to be independent but it doesn't have to be a straight path.

Whilst I agree it's best to have economic independence, our lives were much better for me being flexible with work and it gave me time to build up a business.

It does depend on your DH but the current situation isn't working for you, so try other things.

Interestingly, I had a bit of the whole "you sit on your arse" thing off a fuckwit family member yesterday but he was talking out of his own arse...

I say yes to being a SAHM and yes to putting the kids in childcare a couple of days a week. Don’t feel judged and do what’s best for you and your family.