To quit job to be SAHM with kids in childcare?

[TuesTime]

Hi all - I am looking for some advice/wisdom to push me in the right direction or force myself to make a change!

For context - we have got 2 under 2 and I recently went back to work after maternity leave. I work full time and there is no option to work less hours/days - I tried that before and it made the situation so much worse. I am middle level in a big company earning around £50k. I find the day to day of it all incredibly stressful, at the end of each day Im frazzled, constantly worrying about how I'll cope the next day, conversations I need to have etc. I struggle with conflict, and boundaries and am really working on pushing myself and almost using this as an opportunity for personal development. I am proud of my career and I am the kind of person that needs something to give my days purpose and motivate me.

However is it worth it? Im seeing the kids for about 2hrs a day, sometimes less! Barely speaking to my partner as our conversations are usually transactional and around the juggle of childcare, drop offs, appointments, etc. It's not that I desperately want to be a SAHM. I know thats absolutely not an easier option!!

On one hand I'd love to have the kids with me a few days a week, and use the other days for the kids to go to childcare and me do housework, admin, gymming, etc. However will I be judged?! Will I regret it becuase 2 under 2 is really fcking hard!? DH doesn't necessarily want me to work, especially if it's so stressful and would be happy for me to do whatever (I don't need to work - he earns more than enough)

On one hand Im so lucky that I don't have the pressure of needing to keep the job to be able to afford to live, and I wish that meant I took the pressure off myself at work but I just can't seem to do it and drive myself into the ground trying to do a good job!

Has anyone been in this situation and can share their experience? xx

Go for it.
Being judged is your last worry.
(46, child free, stay at home wife through my 20 year long marriage, now legally own half of my husband's wealth).
You can easily afford it, if both parties are at agreement, it's a no brainer.

Do it. Will you look back in later years & think, ooh I wish I'd worked f/t when the kids were little?

I would investigate the possibility of a career break with your company though as although I was a SAHM when mine were little, I was able to return to employment quite easily as I was on a career break rather than completely giving up work.

I wouldn’t personally. It felt unfair to make my dh solely responsible for our family income. I also worried about what happens if dh leaves me and I’ve abandoned my foothold in my career.

We share the family workload and we both earn an income. Yes the early years were hard and nearly broke us. But we are now mortgage free with good cars and pensions, we take nice holidays and don’t worry about money. The kids seem to have turned out ok although hard to say!

It only works because my dh is a magnificent dad and husband who never shirks his share of the responsibility or work.

oh also if there was any SEN among my kids I would not work. Too hard.

Why do you care if you will be judged? It seems odd that this is even a consideration. Just make whatever decision is right for you. We are in a similar position in that after years of hard work we don’t need both of us to work to have a good quality of life. I’m therefore stopping work once we have our baby and we we are also having full time live in help. Frankly, I wouldn’t quit my job to do household chores annd 24/7 childcare that sounds worse than working. There’s no prizes for suffering, of course some people will judge but a lot of that is jealousy and they’d do the same in your position. Do what’s best for you and your family.

Your needing purpose kind of changed my reply- I think within a year you’ll be looking up courses and wondering how you can g we’re back to where you were work wise

I had a friend who had children with her husband 'from a wealthy family'. She didn't need to work ( graduate btw). When they divorced she naively thought she'd still be fine financially. She got precisely NOTHING. Rich families protect themselves. Everything was wrapped up in trusts etc that she couldn't access.

I took one year maternity leave after DD2 arrived. I also had 2 under 2. Then that became a five year career break … and then I decided to Home Educate. Both DDs have ASD. I think it really depends on your financial situation and if you can afford it. I was fortunate to be in a position to do so - I had my DDs in my early forties. I have no regrets. They’re 17 & 15 now and it’s been amazing to spend every day with them. Definitely no regrets on my part.

I am a stay home mum and completely financially dependent on my husband. I trust my husband 100% and have no problem being financially dependent on him because I married an incredibly kind and generous man. He works hard everyday so that I can enjoy looking after the children whilst they’re little - this time never comes back around again! He works hard everyday so that our children get the best upbringing possible because no care worker in a nursery will look after my babies as well as I can.
if you can’t trust your husband and need to keep financial independence then why marry someone you can’t trust.

What exactly do you think people will judge?

I’ve had one knob head say to me that ‘stay home mums sit on their bum all day’ but I can tell you that this is the hardest, most rewarding and most important work I’ve ever done. And I used to be a school teacher.
I absolutely don’t sit on my bum because there’s no time!
Just go for it and don’t worry about people’s jealous opinions. x

You wouldn’t be eligible for the free hours if you weren’t working, so is your husband earning so much that he would agree to paying several hundred a month minimum on childcare?

I’ve recently left a 50k job and become a sahm due to a move. It’s a big change, I’m very happy with it currently but I do plan to go back to work in a few years so maybe that makes it easier to enjoy this time off with them.

Anyone who has children with their spouse, let alone becomes a sahm without ever making sure their savings, pensions and at least the home they live in are in joint names rather than a hidden trust is an idiot,

If he’s so wealthy then what about both of you dropping hours and being part time. This would make the household jobs easier on the family but both of you can keep your jobs.

I think you are leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position. Is a career break an option?

I always think being a SAHM with kids in childcare 2 days a week would be ideal! Lots of time with DC, but (if they’re anything like mine) they can get their social ‘fix’ and have a couple of days a week with their little buddies doing exciting things. And on those days you can deep clean, batch cook etc.

I was in a similar position and I chose to embrace the stress of working full time with young kids rather than face the stress of financial insecurity, losing a big part of my identity and having a gap on my CV. Although it’s been hard, my kids are thriving and I have no regrets. It helps that I do enjoy my job most of the time.