To quit job to be SAHM with kids in childcare?

[TuesTime]

Hi all - I am looking for some advice/wisdom to push me in the right direction or force myself to make a change!

For context - we have got 2 under 2 and I recently went back to work after maternity leave. I work full time and there is no option to work less hours/days - I tried that before and it made the situation so much worse. I am middle level in a big company earning around £50k. I find the day to day of it all incredibly stressful, at the end of each day Im frazzled, constantly worrying about how I'll cope the next day, conversations I need to have etc. I struggle with conflict, and boundaries and am really working on pushing myself and almost using this as an opportunity for personal development. I am proud of my career and I am the kind of person that needs something to give my days purpose and motivate me.

However is it worth it? Im seeing the kids for about 2hrs a day, sometimes less! Barely speaking to my partner as our conversations are usually transactional and around the juggle of childcare, drop offs, appointments, etc. It's not that I desperately want to be a SAHM. I know thats absolutely not an easier option!!

On one hand I'd love to have the kids with me a few days a week, and use the other days for the kids to go to childcare and me do housework, admin, gymming, etc. However will I be judged?! Will I regret it becuase 2 under 2 is really fcking hard!? DH doesn't necessarily want me to work, especially if it's so stressful and would be happy for me to do whatever (I don't need to work - he earns more than enough)

On one hand Im so lucky that I don't have the pressure of needing to keep the job to be able to afford to live, and I wish that meant I took the pressure off myself at work but I just can't seem to do it and drive myself into the ground trying to do a good job!

Has anyone been in this situation and can share their experience? xx

I wouldn't go full SAHM I don't think, for a variety of reasons stated upthread. But you do have the luxury of working part time - or perhaps of part-time study?

(my reasons would include personal security but also fulfilment - you have the opportunity to seek work that is meaningful to you - and the social contact with other adults)

ive had this whilst pregnant with second (i was put on garden leave for 1 year) and continuing till i find smth new.
i find having childcare part time is
key - so that you have enough time
for yourself, but still get to spend sig amount of time with the kids. its a ‘luxury’ but if you can afford it, its great!

Before making a decision I would sit down with your husband to make sure you're on the same page with finances. Based on a lot of posts you see on mumsnet I think you'd need to make sure he was happy for his salary (I.e. the family income) to pay into a pension for you. Also do you have a joint account where his salary is paid into that you can access? If not where will your money come from?

So, you are thinking of giving up your job to still have your children in nursery etc some days a week then spend your time doing housework, admin and the gym?

Don't. Outsource housework etc. It really is unwise to swop a job for housework. Spend your time looking for a part time job in your field maybe. Once you have left work, judging by what you have said about most of family having stay at home Mums, you'll probably never go back to work and ( despite having an affluent family background) you are still making yourself vulnerable. The money may be your husband's, your relatives', family's, but there is no guarantee that you will actually have control of it ( or even inherit it) but be reliant on a husband, a parent etc deciding what is good for you. In short, infantilising yourself.

What are you doing at weekends now? If it's housework, food planning, cooking, admin etc, don't. Outsource it all. Spend your time with your children and husband.

There is a golden rule for women. Never NEVER, give up your job. If you do you are telling your children that women's role in life is to be secondary, subservient to men. Is your husband thinking of going part time ? giving up work? No of course not.

I'd be thinking about potential part time/freelance options outside your current company. You're presenting it as a binary choice here, and it's easy to get stuck in that sort of thinking when you're stressed. But is it?

Could you do a part time role in something less stressful so that you can maintain some pension and sanity. Then the rest of the week with your kids?

I couldn’t give up work for financial and sanity reasons but did go part time which helped.

I think if you’re that wealthy then go for it. But everyone is different.

I was a SAHM until my DC started school and I mostly enjoyed it. I went to a gym/sports centre with a creche, and when they were older or at preschool, I went running.
I started back at work when they started school (pt to start, ft when they were older) partly for financial reasons and partly for myself.
However I know lots of women who are SAHM to teenage/uni age kids. It seems to work for them, even 2 who have separated from their DH dont need to work. My DH has said he would resent working ft if I was at home all day but if both partners agree, and budget allows, then it obviously works for others.

My friend did this and then her DH left her 20 years hence. Never ever would any of us had him down as the type to do this. She had returned to work by then but her career took a huge hit and they had not made pension provision for her.

The red flag for me is DH doesn’t necessarily want me to work, especially if it is so stressful

If you need a few clear days a week to do housework, admin, go to the gym, it seems your husband isn’t pulling his weight. Of course he wants you not to work. It’s also worrying you have no other conversation with him. How do you think that will change if you are a SAHM? Will he all of a sudden spend his evenings engaging you on conversation?

If money were no object, rather than quitting my job, I’d be outsourcing the mundane shit and using the time that frees up to do the things I wanted to do. Swap the childcare for a nanny to avoid the pick up drop off stress, hire a cleaner for the housework etc. Then the time with your children is less stressful.

I was a SAHM for the most part; worked 1 or 2 days at times until my youngest started infant's school.

As my mum said to me when I was trying to make the same decision all those years ago 'you can get the money back but not the time with your children.' Both are young adults now and I cherish the memories of those days spent with them when they were really little. The experience was definitely enhanced by a great group of friends, lots of baby and toddlers classes and activities and getting out of the house every day for as long as possible. I loved it. You sounds like a very motivated person who wouldn't be bored and would make it work for everyone.

My situation is similar. Ours are 2 & 4 now, but I'm on 45 and husband 55, so though he's on more our take home isn't miles apart. We have no family help. I'm utterly exhausted from using all my leave for appointments/kids being ill and unable to go to nursery etc, that's without factoring in eldest being at school now and their holidays. I feel like I'm ill a lot probably because I'm run down, and most nights both still wake me. If money wasn't a factor I'd absolutely jump at it. I've only stayed on so we could move house (ours is very small), but I'm so fed up now I'm considering staying put for a while and finding a new PT job.

I don't really 'get' the argument about keeping your financial independence. I understand if you're not married, but for us we're married and we've got equal savings in joint and separate accounts in our own names. I didn't marry into wealth and we became wealthy together. I've always gone with the phrase 'what's mine is yours'.
Am I being very naive to think if my husband left me or died, I'd be ok as a result of this?
I'll get ridiculed to asking this I'm sure.

Thankfully I do work and I do have a career so it's largely irrelevant, however I do see this argument thrown around alot and I don't get it.

Also why do people assume husbands will leave? I could get hit by a bus tomorrow but I'll still risk crossing the road.
Surely lots of women take the risk of being a SAHM, being financially dependent for a few years and I'm sure the vast majority get through 'unscathed' and get back to work within a few years once their kids are older.

I'd like to think in the OP's case, dropping work will actually help her marriage. The alternative is the marriage collapses and she simply becomes a single mum trapped in a full time job instead.

I was in this situation when the kids were smaller and it’s a tough period when you have pre schoolers. Personally I would have hated being a SAHM and get a lot of fulfilment from my work so it was worth suffering those years to be in a good place career wise now they are older.

Given you have plenty of money behind you I would prioritise hiring a fantastic nanny. That’ll make the day to day much easier. I presume you already have a cleaner etc. Hiring as much help as possible ensures you have weekends free to enjoy the children and spend time with your DH.

Also I buy as much holiday as possible. If you aren’t allowed to buy holiday, you can legally take unpaid leave to care for children. I find taking a week off is easier than working part time. If you’re on holiday for longer someone picks up your work. If you just have a day off each week they leave it until you get back.

It becomes much easier once everyone is in school and if you enjoy your job you’ll be glad you have it when they are older.

I think there needs to be a very hard conversation between you and your husband about some things before you do:

1. Do you have enough in savings if he looses his job? does he have a secure job. how long might it take him to secure another one?
2. What protection do you have in place if he leaves you/dies etc?
3. you will likely lose any help you get with childcare hours (if he's a high earner you may not get this anyway)
4. What chances do you have of returning to work in a few years if you need/want to?
5. Is there an option to work part time in something related that will enable you to keep your CV going and enable you to build a future career?
6. What will the distribution of housework look like (and what does it look like now - is there anything you can do to help like hire a cleaner etc)
7. Will there be any other expectations?

He can't just be "ok" with it you need to sit down and have deep/hard discussions on this.

This is what I was going to say. Id personally never stop working entirely. Makes sense to find something part time; you also might find it completely boring being full time at home.

Yes, you being a SAHP is right for your young family.
I would only put your children into childcare for two short days though, for their benefit.
Keep what is best for the children at the heart of your decisions for the next three years because you are fortunate to be able to do so.

Look to go back to work in three years but customise it to suit your family.
Keep up your qualification.

2 under 2 is hard and rather than putting yourself into mindsight of either £50k and loads of stress or SAHM, I'd see it as either a sabbatical or career break with an eye on getting back in within a couple of years. Or actually... you sound kind of miserable about work but enjoy working so I'd say look for something in a different industry that is part time, keeping your foot in the working world door while also being more present at home.

2 under 2 is a wild time. Be kind to yourself!

I know you say that going part time wasn't an option as it didn't work well before and I think that's a problem with your current role and current work.

If you don't need your salary, is there anything in your current role that you'd be able to offer as a freelancer? e.g. marketing consultant or financial advice or personal tutoring - you can do as much or as little as you want or can, keep the commitment low, build it really gradually. That way you have self worth and a project, it keeps you in contact with the working world but you also have more flexibility and availability to be home with your VERY YOUNG children.

I'm a sahm. DC was at home until they went to preschool aged 3 for three days a week. Happy times. Now they are in reception and I'm still at home. Personally I love it. Of course it's affected pensions and things like that but I wouldn't change it.

I’d go for it but only if your DH splits the money like a family. I stay home but work freelance one day a week which has kept my foot in the door for my career, and I’ve had a wonderful time with my child. But it would have been so much harder if my DH treated money like his money and not family money. We use a joint account and I don’t have to ask for money or justify what I spend because it’s our money, I think it makes a huge difference.

If money is no issue, it would be a no brainer for me!
I think I would want to work out money logistics with DH though before hand like, how would his money be split, savings etc

I could never be financially dependent on anyone, let alone DH’s ‘families’ money.

I’d do this in a heartbeat if I could afford it!

I changed jobs rather than quit. I lucked out and got a part time flexible job. I was widowed young, and it's helped enormously with finances being in employment.