The vitriol for SAHPs on this site is insane

[JustSoFrustrated]

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

People can do what they like as long as by that choice they don’t rely on the state for benefits if they are capable of working.

Yeah, my mum's mental health was totally messed up by being a SAHP. And she constantly seemed to feel guilty about stuff that she hadn't done that she thought she should have done, even though nobody else cared! The mind does weird things sometimes.

I don't really care how anyone else spends their days either tbh, as long as they don't go out of their way to make anyone else feel bad about stuff.

I'm glad that you've found a job that helps to boost your mental health. I know that I benefit from the structure of work, and also from the social side.

They are all jealous!

I mean.. live and let live

The jealousy defence is so…basic. I’m not jealous. I absolutely love working; I love my career and my job. I love heading out early in the morning to something that’s just mine.

I didn’t love being at home when my kids were little; it just wasn’t for me. I’m as far from jealous as it’s possible to be.

I rarely see vitriol towards sahp on mn. If you look for offence you’ll find it. Do what works for you. Really no one else cares.

What about when your children leave home? I had a busy life, working full time in a very rewarding job, a lovely home life with a great, supportive husband. Lots of hobbies, friends and great colleagues. And don't have a tiny house!!! Wham!!!! Empty nest hit big time when my only child left home - despite all these positives in my life.

You sound very defensive OP. Good luck to you if that's what gives your life meaning - spending twenty minutes on hoovering a room. Personally I paid someone to do my cleaning some of the years I was working (to be fair this lovely person also helped house-keep for my Dad to minimise my otherwise crushing load). Don't you worry you'll look back and regret never having stretched yourself to your full capacity? I have been a SAHP many years ago, and I didn't enjoy it. Very repetitive and isolating. But each to their own - maybe you could sound a bit happier about your choices?

I just also want to add, tempus fugit - before you know it you'll be retired - and presumably totally reliant on your husband for funds. Personally while we have similar attitudes to money, investments and finance - having my own pensions gives me added security, autonomy and freedom to spend as I please.

Just wondering what do you hope to gain from this thread?

“Rationalise my tea towel collection”!!!!! Horrors. I refuse to even go there 🤣. But I like it anyway - it’s very soothing. I shut the kitchen door and blast out my music while doing so.
And I like getting a nice, smooth tea towel out of the drawer (we don’t have a dishwasher so do actually use tea towels to dry the dishes if there’s too many to fit on the rack).
But nothing would induce me to move furniture for vacuuming unless I thought there was something dead under there.

Well, I'm with you on the vacuuming.

We will have to agree to differ on the tea towels!

The irony of how vitriolic you are being about people’s tiny houses and the crap food they feed their kids is not lost on me, OP. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone - perhaps you are projecting and trying to justify it to yourself?

@JustSoFrustrated 'Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain.'

But you are at home all day so there will be more housework. Less housework to do when everyone is out at work or in school all day.

Anyway, don't let what other people write bother you, OP. IME, this is not something that people actually think much about IRL. Online, it has always been the same. I can remember heated debates on the subject on the Bounty site when my children were young (20 years ago).

I'm a tea-towel ironer. I think it adds a layer of sterilising to them, even though i wash them at 95°

Who the hell irons these days lol.

Own the choices you make.

I won’t judge, or ask you to justify your choices. Or label your children in any way & I ask the same from others. Please don’t state YOUR opinions either way of your own view or decision.

You can’t tell whether an older child has been BF or had a SAHP or went to wrap around care at school.

I don't even own an iron. 😂

Mines gathering dust, same as the ironing board 😆

Good lord. Sterile?? They’re not sterile, they’re objects that exist in open air.

Life is short mate.

I have experience of both. Honestly there should be no vitriol thrown in either direction. How people live their lives is rarely anyone else’s business and neither is the dream.

When not working I filled my day easily even when kids at school. I also can’t wash up after a meal in 5 mins - I always cooked from scratch when not working - including lunch and home baking snacks. It would take most of 5 mins just to fill the sink with water and wipe all the surfaces - let’s face it I wasn’t rushing it like I was aiming for a world record entry.

I didn’t have a small dirty house or feed my kids beige crap when I was working either. I had a cleaner, sent my ironing out and used recipe boxes and filtered for the quick prep options. Once a week or so there would be an oven chips and breaded chicken option.

You do you. Grass is always greener. Being a SAHP for me was dull and quite unfulfilling, but being a WOTH parent was stressful and frustrating at times. I would however take working and having an independent income every day of the week.

I have never felt vitriol on this site against SAHP.

There's always nasty comments by individual users who are looking for a fight, but they are not the majority.

One user made a disparaging comment once that I had my children in quick succession just to dump them in the nursery, because I'm unable to look after them myself.

But I would never conclude from that that the majority of users are against working parents.

Those are just individuals who are unhappy about something in their life and looking to start a fight online.

I just don’t see this on here. Not vitriol. I worked 35 hours a week as a single parent when DD was small, and it nearly killed me. She ate good meals and our home was clean, thanks. It was exhausting. Mainly covering holidays and sick days and having enough time to sleep. I had a fairly big job, which I enjoyed.

When I finished mat leave for DS1, we decided I wouldn’t go back. The younger ones are now both in school, and I’m still not going back. I absolutely cook properly most days, clean, decorate, and responsible for laundry, car, life, and much else but DH WFH and does lots of school runs and housework. I have a robo mop and vac, a dishwasher, and a fairly regular takeaway habit. I don’t work half as hard as I did before. I have lots of lovely hobbies, friends, and things to do. This works for us because BOTH of us have a lot more free time as if I worked, he’d have to pick up more slack. I keep up academic interests amongst other things because I have an active brain.

I don’t stay home because it’s more work. I stay home because it’s convenient and lovely. We never worry about school holidays, sickness, reading at school, detentions, lifts, elderly parents, date lunches or anything else. The only comments I’ve had about it are based on financial security, but as all our savings are in my bank and I technically own 70% of our home (original equity was mine) I’m not worried.

I indeed don't iron socks and don't need 20 minutes to vaccuum a room. No, I don't pick things up from the floor, I'm not sure what things you're talking about, I don't keep things on the floor. IKEA has many useful storage solutions, if that's an issue.

People will fill the time they have. A good friend of mine used to be SAHM, our kids were the same age and she was always telling me that she has no idea how I do it all, her days are so full of domestic chores and errands. Now she works and interestingly, manages to do it all just fine.

I've been on here 24 years and never noticed vitriol towards sahps

i also like ironing, and i love how they look when all neat and folded in the drawer.
What can i say? I'm not asking anyone else to do it. Not even asking anyone (except maybe DH) to admire them.

I think those who hate sahp actually are coming from a place of guilt. They know that before children start school most people (except really high income) don't bring in more money than to couverts nursery fees/wrap around care. Those who still choose to work rather than spending tile with and bringing up their children (because they find it hard/tedious) probably feel guilty so must justify it in some way : "You're not setting a good example/You do nothing during the day while my work is very important even though I'm just turning papers". I've generalized, there are certainly exceptions just as some sahp with nannies, cleaners etc are doing nothing during the day.

My mum was a full time working parent and I'm a sahm. We are very different, my mum has never been to a gp or dentist appointment with me for example. My mum worked really hard and I'm grateful for my upbringing.
Me teenage daughter thinks I'm lazy and that I don't "do" anything.
This is yesterday's itinerary;
7.30 - school run number one for dd2
8.15 - school run number 2 for dd3
8.30 - 1hr drive to hospital for dd1 hospital appointment. File appeal via email for dd1 to stay at sen school
10.30 leave hospital appointment and drive to dd1s sen school an hour away.
12.00 Get home from dd1 school, gather all dirty washing, put washing on eat a banana do a wee.
12.30 back in car , drive to shops, buy groceries.
1.30 drive home, unpack.groceries.put wet washing in dryer, hoover, clean toilets, empty bathroom bins, wipe down surfaces. General tidy up of house.
2.40 back in car for primary school run.
3.30 back home from school run, make after school snack, unload dry washing put next load of washing on. Dd1 dropped home from sen school, have a quick chat about her day.
4.20 pick up dd2 from secondary school, agree to last minute play date at our house.
4.50 make homemade meatballs and sauce.
Wash up dry up.
Fold the dry washing and put away..
6.00 serve dinner.
6.30 Wash up and dry up, clean table snd placemats, hoover kitchen, put bins out.
7.00 get uniforms ready for next day, check for homework, admin - banking, forms for trips etc
8.00 sit on phone
9.00 bed.
This is a quiet day, no clubs or meetings at schools.
I am deaf so not sure if that means I'm taking longer to do some things as I can't sort anything over the phone ?
I don't know if I'm lazy or not, but I don't think I'm "harder working" than working parents. Maybe the grass is always greener?