The vitriol for SAHPs on this site is insane

[JustSoFrustrated]

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

But why would you assume that they would "probably feel guilty"?

Maybe they're just bitches who just like to make other people feel shit about their choices?

Maybe they're insecure and need to criticise others in order to big themselves up?

Maybe they're sick of smug comments from SAHPs and they're looking to hit back?

Maybe they have ideological beliefs about women in the workplace and they feel that SAHPs are somehow letting the side down or giving men unfair advantages?

To be honest, there could be any number of reasons why people might make vitriolic comments on the Internet about SAHPs, but for some reason, you have landed on "guilt" as the most likely option. To me, that implies that you believe that they have something to feel guilty about... I'm not sure why the thought would enter your head otherwise.

Tbh I think sometimes you sort of expand what ‘needs’ to be done to fill the time you have. It’s like when you move house and you just somehow fill the empty space. I don’t think anyone ‘needs’ to be routinely taking 20 minutes to hoover a room but if you have the time to do so and nothing else on then I can see how rapidly that might become a ‘this is what I need to do’ thing. When in reality some of it just busy work, work for the sake of it to feel like you’re doing something useful, or just because you want to do it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but as way of comparing it doesn’t really work because it’s more of a foible or a hobby I suppose than a necessity.

I don’t even bother with that, just chuck the food directly on the table along with some kitchen roll and let everyone go for it. Obviously I only cook British Tapas so it’s all finger foods, if they don’t sell it in Iceland on the 5 for £5 deal then they don’t get it. Occasionally I upend a punnet of cherry tomatoes or mini cucumbers on the table with it to satisfy the veg requirement.

Ooh, top tips there for us lazy working parents with our disgusting TINY houses.

Tbh I think sometimes you sort of expand what ‘needs’ to be done to fill the time you have

That's what I keep saying. My SAHM friend has her Wednesday mornings planned for grocery shopping. She will always check the websites for bargains, will go to several supermarkets, leisurely walk through comparing prices and special offers.
I did mine this evening in 15 minutes between finishing work and picking up DC2 from their activity - had a list, got what was on the list, in and out as fast as I could.
Did she spend her Wednesday morning grocery shopping, yes she did, yes she needed all that time. Does this mean that she got some better deals - certainly.
But in the end, we both got our shopping done. And luckily she doesn't tell me mine is inferior and how she pities my children.

Top tip : leave the uneaten leftover veg there on the table for the next day, and the next. Brings the term meal prep to a whole new Uber-efficient level.

I'm a FT working single parent, with 24/7 care (though my eldest is now off at uni) and I think your lifestyle sounds bloody lovely, OP! Of course you're feeling busy, you don't have to make any compromises or short cuts to create your vision of family life. Whereas I have spent 20 years not cooking enough from scratch, not hoovering my floors even they needed it, not giving my kids enough help with their homework, not getting enough sleep to be the mum I wanted to be etc.

Genuinely, hand on heart, I don't see that much snark to SAHPs. What I do see is lots of judgment about standards I will never reach (meals cooked from scratch etc). It's all resources, isn't it? Money, time, education, supportive partners... we all have different amounts. I don't think people should be rude about SAHPs but I equally think hurling back insults about people's cooking or the dust on their floor is a pretty ugly look.

Not sure about the back in my day - I'm in my 40s and my mum worked full time. She had a great career, and I've always thought she was great for doing it. She still managed to spend a lot of time with us and I certainly don't feel I was raised by the nanny.

Just forks and a pan to wash up. Love it

Plastic forks, mind.

I'm currently off work for a few months and honestly nor working and looking after DC and the home is a breeze compared to working as well. I wish I could do it forever. I have time to breathe, spend time with elderly parents, hobbies and I don't feel like I'm constantly rushing and exhausted. If I could afford not to go back I wouldn't.

I don’t read any vitriol but I do read and agree with posts which spell out how vulnerable SAHP are to make them financially dependent on their partner especially if they aren’t married. You do know that working parents also do housework and cook meals from scratch too because you sound a bit judgey yourself?

being at home with young children is hard work. I was a SAHM for 2-3 years when my DDs were babies/toddlers. I at least got some time to myself when I went back to work. Most of us fear being out of the job market for too long to spend a lot of time looking after kids at home. Tbh I also found it boring so working part time gave me the right balance and once they were at school I didn’t need wrap around care.

20 mins to hoover and mop an old 4 bed house is impressive!

There’s always so much disparity on here about how long household chores take.

A good indicator - for those lucky enough to have one - is how long a cleaner takes to clean the house. 5 hours in my case. If I am doing it it’s at least double that because I would do things she wouldn’t - like cleaning windows, getting up step ladders and dusting picture rails and window frames etc. Also she is full pelt start to finish, I take tea breaks!

We've recently brought in cleaners in for my dad. He has a big house that had been neglected for some time. It took 8 hours (2 x 4 hours) to do a really good deep clean of everything, and 2 hours a week to keep on top of it. Kitchens just need a quick wipe after every use and there isn't that much more to do apart from laundry, loading the dishwasher etc. It looks really clean so I honestly have no idea how people can spend hours on cleaning each week.

He also has a big garden, and his gardeners do around 2-3 hours per week to keep it looking great. Stuff does need watering etc in between but that isn't a huge job.

@Ketzele Just to reassure you ; I'm a sahm to secondary school children (OK one autistic which makes it darn hard to find a job to fit around him) so I do have got more time at home than working mums. My house is faaaar from perfect. I hate cleaning and just do the bare minimum so things are clean and somewhat tidy. I don't cook from scratch every day and I tend to make simple meals. No different from yourself I'm sure.

What I do spend a lot of time on is homework for one of them and reassuring, organising and being there for the other who is autistic. I had planned to be a sahm until both started school but it was too complicated with one autistic to find wrap around care and all the meetings and my husband going away for work every week. It is what it is and I think we all do what we think are best for our children or what we are able to do with the cards we're dealt.

I just re read what I wrote because I was wondering why people seem to be thinking that I actually believe the second-to-last paragraph of the OP to be true, rather than that it’s an obviously ridiculous flipped-script, and I realize I put “But that wouldn’t be unreasonable, would it?” When I meant “But that would be unreasonable, wouldn’t it?”

Sorry about that.

ETA: Oh, and I also don’t look down on anyone with a smaller (“tiny”) home. I’m just pointing out, less space = less to clean = less of a time investment. That’s all.

It’s shitty to imply that eating processed foods for every meal is not the greatest thing ?

I’m honestly trying to figure out how else someone ends up with 5 minutes of dishes per meal.

Or, perhaps, maybe it’s the case that the person who made that comment isn’t the one doing the dishes in their home

Now come on. You’re not stupid OP. Your tone, throughout, is shitty. As it’s designed to be because apparently WOHPs have made you feel bad about your choices.

@JustSoFrustrated set a timer 5 mins is longer than you think? I was thinking about this yesterday and set a timer- it took 4 minutes to hang out a full load of washing and 5 mins to load a dishwasher, wash the pans and wipe down the kitchen sides. Unless food is burnt on or you’ve done a three course hot meal 5 mins is plenty of time!

It’s shitty to imply that eating processed foods for every meal is not the greatest thing ?

It's shitty to imply working mothers only feed their children tinned foods and chicken nuggets.

It's not work though...

Exactly. SAH are always desperate to justify their lifestyle but to anyone who actually earns a living and financially supports their family, PLUS runs a household as we all do, it sounds like an endless holiday.

Cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping while kids are at school is hardly difficult. A lot of the faff SAH claim to do like fancy children’s parties is fabricated busy work that isn’t necessary.

Exactly.

we all could stretch our tasks out if we had copious free time to fill.

I know several SAHM of teens, most have cleaners and do spend much of their time doing sports, hobbies, going out for lunches, having beauty treatments etc.
Am I envious - yes!
would I want to be a ft SAHM - no!
(Although I was before my DC started school)

Yesterday I made a beef casserole for dinner.

This involved:

Tipping the meat I had bought out of its wrapping, into a pan with some hot oil and stirring it now and then till it was browned.

I buy my veg pre-prepared, so I then tipped the onion into the pan and cooked that down, till caramelised, added it and the meat to a casserole dish, with pre-prepared sliced fresh carrots and mushrooms. I added tinned tomatoes, some beef stock, seasoning then put it in the oven on low where it stayed for the rest of the day.

This took me 10 minutes while DD was eating breakfast, and by dinner time we had a delicious fresh wholesome casserole which I served with a loaf of slice it yourself bread bought from the supermarket bakery section and a bag of steamfresh microwave veg.

Quick/easy doesn’t have to mean chicken nuggets and chips and a complete lack of vegetables.