Am I being unreasonable? School runs.

[hayley3602]

Hi, I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable here or how to respond to this neighbour.

I am a stay at home mum with 4 kids. The other 3 kids are older and at high school so are pretty independent and make their own way to school and back.

I do the school run with my youngest son who is 9 years old. My neighbours daughter started school 8 months ago. She is also a stay at home mum with two kids. One is at nursery. We know each other and get along but aren’t close friends.

once or twice every month this neighbour will text me. Can you take my daughter to school as my husband has the car and I can’t be bothered walking up with the youngest one ( the school is in walking distance) it’s around a 15 min walk.

I was once getting ready defrosting car and she comes over with her daughter to my car and says her youngest is having a tantrum and she’s stressed could I just take her daughter with me in car. I took her daughter with me that morning and as I’m driving home after school run she’s then driving her son to nursery and waves as I pass.

other times she will text me and say youngest has been up in night feeling unwell can you take my daughter to school.

A other time she told me she was very unwell had the flu so I agreed to take her daughter up to school. It was school photo day and her daughter comes over with her hair all hot tonged (curled) I’m sorry but if you were that ill I’m pretty sure you would be using tongs to do your child’s hair.

I have not once asked anyone to take my son to school. Even if I’ve been unwell. I just get on with it and take him to school.

i don’t mind helping neighbours out with school run if they were very unwell or couldn’t make the school run due to a appointment. I have helped two other neighbours out in the past but I feel like this one neighbour is taking advantage. There are days I don’t have the car and can’t be bothered walking to school but I wouldn’t dream of asking someone else to do it for me.

Am I being unreasonable?

But the neighbour isn’t being part of the village: she’s using OP as rent-a-village with no reciprocity.

OP, practice saying, “Oh, I can’t today!” – no apology, no explanation. Explanations invite debate and this isn’t up for debate.

I can see why this would be annoying, sounds very one sided from the neighbour. Would you approach her and explain about your health issues, say you’re fine to help out in an emergency…or ask her would she maybe agree to sharing the driving for the school run. I don’t think you should be feeling like you have to oblige her all the time as it stands.

I would also do this before you speak to her. See how she responds. If she doesn’t help out and makes an excuse then she clearly is a CF and you should definitely push back.

I had this issue a long time ago, I started leaving earlier. So she didn't have time to catch me! Just leave earlier and park near school for a 10 minute chat!

I think a couple of times a month isn’t too CF territory. Why don’t you ask her to drop your child off when you’re feeling particularly poorly.
Although surely as her child is younger, as well as needing to drop her by her class, you also need to faff around a bit with car seat installation for her child?

This. She needs to reciprocate. Especially as the OP has mobility issues. It's all well and good going on about community spirit, being kind etc when it's a one way street

Some people do need to drive even though school is only a 15 minute walk away.

She'd probably be more than happy to reciprocate. It's op that doesn't want any help

She hasn’t offered. Hmmm why don’t you ask?
If you’re having a flare up rather than getting in your car why not just ask her?

On our road it is totally normal for people to take other people’s kids for them. We offer when people might need it, we do it when asked and it’s lovely. It’s not constant but always there and not something to worry about. If it’s not convenient we say but often with the caveat let me know if you’re really stuck. Tbh even on normal days the kids tend to walk together running ahead and the parents chatting.

I think you are being a bit unfriendly. It's only once or twice a month and you are going anyway. Is there anything about taking another child which causes a particular problem for you? You could also ask her to take your child with her from time to time to help you and save on the driving. If she says no, then obviously you stop helping her.

I mean, she could also say ‘she never asked’ 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t do favours expecting things back though, I’m just nice to people and help out and hope that one day if I really need it they remember that.

I’m being somewhat sympathetic towards the neighbour as before I drove, I did all the school runs by walking my eldest there and had to drag along a baby. The morning was hectic - not only getting a 5 year old to get ready and eat breakfast, making packed lunch, making sure everything that’s needed is in the book bag, then feeding and changing baby so that it’s timed just right, hoping he falls asleep on the walk back and doesn’t cry the whole way. Rain or shine, in the winter too. I wished I had someone that could just take my kid once in a while when it was really bad but I didn’t have an option.

I’m afraid that’s what I think op. And I guess it’s what she’s thinking.

Why not ask her to take your son one day and see how she responds? If she’s obliging then you know you are just building yourself a support system at very little cost to you.

If she refuses you can stop helping her with good reason.

Until then I’d say don’t burn bridges that span rivers you may need to cross.

It’s awful dragging a baby out…

Presumably op had no input into the cf having another dc why does she need to help because it's awful dragging a baby out?

I just can’t believe some of the responses here. The op wants to be left alone to take her own child to school. She doesn’t ask for favours herself and would help in a genuine emergency which is reasonable. It’s not ‘selfish’ to not want to be landed with a random neighbour’s kid to see into school. That’s her neighbour’s responsibility. It’s different if it’s ’mums helping each other out’ - but that’s not the case here. This is just a lazy CF who is taking the piss.

A PP mentioned that walking is good for arthritis. This is true but it also true that there are times when the pain is such that walking far or even standing for even a short time is very very hard.

No-one has to justify why they sometimes drive / walk to school, regardless of distance - it’s their own choice?!

I understand where you're coming from. Some people are the sort who will quite happily collect a whole crowd of other people's kids from school, and some prefer not to.

We had a similar situation with a neighbour when my DS was little. The little girl next door was fine, but my DS didn't like arriving at school with her (think he might have been teased about it). It also meant that I didn't have time to chat to his teacher and had to drop off at two different classrooms.
The favour was never reciprocated, and anyway DS didn't WANT to have a lift from this girl's mother.

Just refuse a few times and say emergencies only.

Why can’t you just reply saying “No I can’t today sorry”

Why are you being such a doormat? If you don't have an arrangement where you take turns with dropping kids off at school, you only help out once or twice before you start saying no to these kind of requests.

i know it’s hard work having a baby and doing school run. I done school run with newborn and two primary school aged kids just like a lot of other parents have to. The neighbours other child isn’t a baby is due to start school in august. As I previously said I don’t mind helping out if it’s an emergency but when you receive a text saying can you pick up my daughter I’ve not got use of my car today and I can’t be bothered walking up. I feel like this is taking the piss. Many days I don’t feel like walking up or doing school run but I don’t go texting a neighbour to do it for me.

Id just say that you’re working on your son’s independence so aren’t taking him up to the school. I live a mile from the school and lately have started leaving my 8 year old halfway there so he can work towards walking himself next year. So I’d both start doing that and tell her that’s what you’re doing. your child should be able to walk themselves to school soon anyway.

I like to help out my neighbours when they ask, and they help me.

Yeah I was going to begin doing that with him soon.was waiting on the better weather arriving Let’s him have some independence. X

I do help out our friends and neighbours but as this is difficult for you and not helping you in any way I’d just phase it out.