Am I being unreasonable? School runs.

[hayley3602]

Hi, I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable here or how to respond to this neighbour.

I am a stay at home mum with 4 kids. The other 3 kids are older and at high school so are pretty independent and make their own way to school and back.

I do the school run with my youngest son who is 9 years old. My neighbours daughter started school 8 months ago. She is also a stay at home mum with two kids. One is at nursery. We know each other and get along but aren’t close friends.

once or twice every month this neighbour will text me. Can you take my daughter to school as my husband has the car and I can’t be bothered walking up with the youngest one ( the school is in walking distance) it’s around a 15 min walk.

I was once getting ready defrosting car and she comes over with her daughter to my car and says her youngest is having a tantrum and she’s stressed could I just take her daughter with me in car. I took her daughter with me that morning and as I’m driving home after school run she’s then driving her son to nursery and waves as I pass.

other times she will text me and say youngest has been up in night feeling unwell can you take my daughter to school.

A other time she told me she was very unwell had the flu so I agreed to take her daughter up to school. It was school photo day and her daughter comes over with her hair all hot tonged (curled) I’m sorry but if you were that ill I’m pretty sure you would be using tongs to do your child’s hair.

I have not once asked anyone to take my son to school. Even if I’ve been unwell. I just get on with it and take him to school.

i don’t mind helping neighbours out with school run if they were very unwell or couldn’t make the school run due to a appointment. I have helped two other neighbours out in the past but I feel like this one neighbour is taking advantage. There are days I don’t have the car and can’t be bothered walking to school but I wouldn’t dream of asking someone else to do it for me.

Am I being unreasonable?

Oh gosh. I’d be mortified if I was her and read this. People literally post here everyday about struggling and being proudly independent and everyone says to ask for help. She is being vulnerable, appreciative and asking for help. It doesn’t even inconvenience you, but taking a neighbour to school a few times a month is now taking advantage? That’s so sad. And depressing. My friends happily go above and beyond this for me and I do likewise for others.
It’s your choice to be selfish though. Yanbu to say no.

MN people seem to want to live very atomised lives with no community. This week I put one neighbour’s bins out as they were away, watered someone else’s plants, and took in a few parcels. This is what living in a community is. Some people do take the piss but not many ime and you never know - she might be having a terrible time with her mental health or something. Seeing as it is time limited - you won’t be taking him to school in a year or 18 months - I’d help her out and pay into the community that way.

Honestly, it wouldn't bother me one bit taking a neighbours child to and from school. As long as they didn't make me late. In fact, I would offer. It's pointless two people putting in the same effort if one person can do it just as easily. Alternatively, could you split the runs up between you so you both help each other out?

Don’t think I’m being selfish and yes it does inconvenience me at times. I usually walk my son to the gate and he goes in himself. As her child is younger I need to walk into the school grounds and stand with her child till the bell goes to ensure she is safely in class. Yes walking into the school doesn’t seem like too much of a inconvenience but when I have flare the last thing I want to be doing is walking and standing about cause someone couldn’t be bothered to take their OWN child to school. There are some very judgy people on this and you are one of them.

If it was me asking for you to drop my kid at school I’d be offering to pick your kid up in return.
I feel like it’s that she’s never offered to do anything for you as a thank you.

You hear a lot of "It takes a village" but no one actually wanting to be part of that village...

I live next door to school and we have a teacher who lives in my road about 5-6 min walk and they drive to school

She has never offered to help or pick up my son. It all seems to be one sided. X

Definitely send the message about only being able to help in a really emergency. Might also be worth flagging to her that taking her child has an impact on your health issues, which she might not realise (although you are under no obligation to disclose that if you don't want to)

Why do either of your drive to school when it's a 15 minute walk?

OP has clarified this

No one minds helping out in a pinch. Everyone minds helping out someone who can’t be arsed.

Arthiritis

yes I get this, but maybe OP could ask her to return the favour? I'll drop off if you pick up?

It doesn't sound like the neighbour is actually asking very often

yeah I am going to speak to her and mention I don’t mind helping out in a real emergency. She knows I suffer with arthritis as she knows I had a knee replacement 3 years ago and can see i have issues with walking. X

That logic applies equally to the neighbour. Why isn’t she offering to take op’s ds?

I think your neighbour is being cheeky if they never offer lifts back. Also unless you had a discussion and both agreed you were up for this lift sharing it's quite rude of her to assume. She's your neighbour, not a best mate.
Re your walking/driving situation, as I understand it walking is considered low impact and actually good for arthritis as it strengthens the surrounding muscles. I have arthritis in my toes and was told low impact exercise in correct supportive footwear is recommended. When my kids were little it was a 20 min walk and we always walked unless it was a work day for me and I had to drive straight to work afterwards.

I think I would send her a message saying ‘Morning neighbour, my knee’s playing up, would you mind taking X with you on the school run this morning?’ And see how she replies (but I can be really petty when I want to be 😂)

I think this is about your flares and their unpredictability and feeling pressurised by this? Sometimes people with chronic pain can be hyper independent and under chronic life stress which will flare you. You need to minimise stress and expectation. You probably manage your life round your pain more than you realise. I know this is a woo concept for most of mumsnet but the literature is there to back it up. I’d say what you said here. That it’s hard on your joints in the morning to walk in. Your kid independent from the car. You won’t mind (as much) once her kid can go in themselves.

we have never discussed to share school runs or anything and your right she is just neighbour not a best friend. I felt like she was being cheeky too but I wasn’t sure if I was unreasonable. Yeah you are correct that walking is good. I also have a large dog who requires walking so I need to be careful with how much walking I am doing. Sometimes I walk to school or back it all depends on how I am feeling. Mornings are always the worst for my Arthiritis. Xx

Or thr person could just sort her own children not impose, why do people have to do something different so they are not imposed on?

Maybe she has health issues, is lugging resources and books into school or is driving somewhere straight after school. Or she just doesn't want to walk. Either way it's not for people to judge her.

She may not have offered, but if you asked it is likely she would say yes? That would be the test of whether she is genuinely a CF.

I don't think she is in cheeky fucker territory, but you could say no if you preferred.

She doesn't seem to ask that often.

It's not that big of a deal giving a kid a lift to school, is it?

Ask her to do it sometimes too.

YANBU to not want to do it for any reason. Having said that I think it is a nice neighbourly thing to do.

When my kids were 7 and 8 we moved a bit further from their school - a 25 minute walk. I quickly realised we lived a street away from a family with a child at the same school whose mum had just had a baby. We started knocking for him on the way and taking him with us. We also collected another child nearer the school. I didn’t mind as we were going anyway though I did notice the next year when I had a baby and yet was still taking this boy to school and his mum never offered to take mine for a change.

When my two were in Y5 and 6 a family moved opposite us and the girl started my youngest’s class. They drove every day. They drove past us every day. Not once did they offer my two a lift. I never asked and I never expected it but as they were driving anyway I did sometimes think it might have been nice for them to occasionally offer. Especially as by then mine were 10 and 11 and perfectly capable of getting out of a car and walking themselves in through the school gates.