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Original poster

Moving dilemma - DH away 4 days a week but some family support nearby OR DH having a 3 hour daily commute

56 replies

pistachiopastry · 06/04/2025 07:43

Looking for some opinions, experiences and/or advice please on the following:

We currently live in London (DH, me, and two DC age 2 and under) but would like to move out of London this year. We have two options:

1.	Move to a small commuter village near London, which would involve a 1.5 hour commute each way by train for DH four days a week (not much flexibility to wfh, just 1 day a week). We’d likely see him for max. half an hour before the kids’ bedtime twice a week, and for a short time in the mornings. We have no family or friends here, although it does seem like a village full of families, and we would see DH every day even if just for a very short time. So it’s a trade off. 
2.	Move to a larger city at the other end of the country where I went to university, so I still have friends there, and we would also have some family within an hour’s drive. There would also be more on offer for the children nearby without having to drive all the time. However DH would have to be in London 4 days a week (so would stay there 3-4 nights)0, so we would only see him for 3 days a week (with 1 day wfh).

DH currently prefers option 1 and I prefer option 2…. Has anyone ever done a similar move with young children and have some advice?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 06/04/2025 07:49

We did 1 and it is fine overall but commuting is tiring and the place is dull at times.

Would never do 2. it’d become different relationships and family dynamics, crap for DC not to see their dad several days a week, it’d make it v hard for the one not away half the time to work and they (you) would be financially dependent.

Loopytiles · 06/04/2025 07:50

But we’re not in a village, in a commuter town.

Radra · 06/04/2025 07:53

I wouldn't do either, I would prefer to keep DH's commute to under an hour.

I really wouldn't want to see so little of him and for the kids to not see him during the week.

I know lots of people live that way, I just wouldn't want to.

TwentyTwentyFive · 06/04/2025 07:57

Honestly neither option. There must be something in between spending so much time commuting or basically not living together for most of the week.

Nightmanagerfan · 06/04/2025 08:48

Is the reason you can’t stay in London related to budget? If so, you could ask here for recommendations for options you might not have thought of. commuting can get very expensive, as well as tiring.

TickingAlongNicely · 06/04/2025 08:57

I live in Yorkshire with our children. DH currently works in Scotland (but before that it was Hampshire, before that it was Oxfordshire... you get the picture!

Its hard work... and we started this when the children were 8&9! When they were toddlers, he had a lot of travel, and they started to refer to Friday as Daddy Day as they knew he would be home. We moved where his job moved to in those days (if it was in one place for more than 6 months, generally we moved every two years)

We didn't really have a choice with his job. But I don't recommend it if you have a choice. Its not single parenting, I call it Single Adult household instead. But its every little thing that's your responsibility. One child needs to go to A&E... you take both. They both have something on at nursery/school, you have to pick. You up all night with one, you get no sleep before beginning your day with the other.

I think the saddest part is my now 12yo doesn't actually care when her dad leaves. She likes having him around, but not bothered when he's not.

SoonTheDaffodilsWillBeOver · 06/04/2025 08:58

Both these options are bad. I work in the kind of City office where lots of the men have long commutes from outside London. They are mostly miserable. Anecdotally I think they seem more likely to get divorced too.

If this is a choice between small flat in London vs bigger house in a commuter village, I vote flat every time.

Or else move to the other end of the country and DH gets a job there.

ItTook9Years · 06/04/2025 09:04

DH’s best mate lived in the Peak District for a time when they had 4 children under 8. He worked in London. He was up at 4am each day to get the 5am train to London where he worked until 5pm and then got the 6pm train and got home at 9:30/10pm. Every day. At weekends his kids were desperate for his attention but he was exhausted. He was close to a nervous breakdown around 2 years in (in his mid-30s). We lived in London so he started staying with us 2 nights a week so that he could at least get some decent sleep. They had a daytime nanny.

We moved about 3 hours away before having DD. For the first 18 months DH was in London - he would go on Sunday evening and be back on Friday night. It was hard as I had no family support within 5000 miles but we got through it. He became a very equal parent and now I’m the one away every other week.

Overthebow · 06/04/2025 09:12

I would do one. I wouldnt have DH working away 4 days a week, DCs wouldn’t see much of their dad which would be awful for them and for him and it would change your relationship.

socks1107 · 06/04/2025 09:15

We do number 1 and it works well. I’m not sure I’d want to move knowing there’d be no change to seeing dh in the week. As children get older they'll see more of him in an evening and you’ll have him around

NewsdeskJC · 06/04/2025 09:34

Keep the family together, always.
Hoping that family will help is no substitute for co parenting.
I got through dh doing some long commutes while I worked close by.
But if I were doing it now, I would do it differently. With flexi/remote/hybrid you both should be able to find work and a home that means you can both enjoy those early years.

Radra · 06/04/2025 09:36

SoonTheDaffodilsWillBeOver · 06/04/2025 08:58

Both these options are bad. I work in the kind of City office where lots of the men have long commutes from outside London. They are mostly miserable. Anecdotally I think they seem more likely to get divorced too.

If this is a choice between small flat in London vs bigger house in a commuter village, I vote flat every time.

Or else move to the other end of the country and DH gets a job there.

I agree with this - especially the point about divorce but it's hard to unpack why it is exactly

Some of it is stress and strain from commute etc but some is probably symptom rather than cause as it does feel like if your wife is keener to live near her family than her husband, it's likely not a super strong marriage to start with

Loopytiles · 06/04/2025 09:40

There are loads of commuter places within a reasonable time/cost/distance of London & cheaper to live in.

SoftPillow · 06/04/2025 09:46

1.5hrs isn’t too bad if that’s the door to door. My DH does this 4 days a week and it’s ok. It was harder (for me) when it was 5 days and the kids were young. And it’s annoying when the trains go down in the evenings and he misses something, but mostly it’s ok. If it’s important he will adjust his schedule to WFH that day.

We know many couples who do this, most people in our location have one person who commutes to London. It doesn’t seem to cause many problems.

Whyherewego · 06/04/2025 09:47

We chose to stay in London because it meant we could see the kids (we both work). I am very glad I made that decision as I avoided the long commute and saw my kids morning and evening.
A colleague of mine told me that the families which had the dad in an apartment in central London and the family hours away in the country always ended up in divorce ...

SunshineAndFizz · 06/04/2025 09:52

If I had to choose between the two I’d say option 1. I think that has the most benefits for all of you. Kids see him regularly, you also can spend time with him while they’re in bed every night. And for him it would be crap being away from home for 4 days on his own.

Cerialkiller · 06/04/2025 10:05

Is the commuting via train or driving?

If train I would probably push for commute as driving is such a time sink and exhausting. On the train he can get on with other stuff, call the kids.

Ultimately I agree with pp that neither are good options. He will barely see the kids during the week regardless of which is chosen. If some flexibility or wfh can be offered then fine, if this is a temporary situation then that's also fine. Can he do a couple of long days where he sleeps over then work from home for one or two days?

Smokesandeats · 06/04/2025 10:06

Neither option.

1.DH changes his job and you all move away from London living on lower salaries but with cheaper housing costs.
2.You all move to somewhere within an hour’s commute.
3.You all stay in London.

Sofiewoo · 06/04/2025 10:08

Why is this the only option? Why can’t you live closer than 1.5 hours away?

Personally I wouldn’t be happy with something that essentially removes DH from family life entirely which both your options do.

Is the big house really worth him not seeing his children grow up? Or you? Or him having an enjoyable life?

Original poster
pistachiopastry · 06/04/2025 10:08

Thanks for the answers so far everyone. Very insightful and helpful.

The main reason we want to move is that we don't want to raise children in London itself, plus we want more space. Plus schools etc. We could afford a small terraced house within an ok area in London (we're currently renting) but not bigger. A common dilemma I think.

The commute if we moved to the village would be 1 hour by train plus a bit of travel either end from the main line station to office/home. The village itself also has a train station. So circa 1.5 hours door to door. (Which was a question here).

The main concerns raised here seem to be that DH would be exhausted by the commute if we choose option 1 OR our relationship would suffer if we choose option 2....
A game changer would be if DH could wfh more but that would likely mean a new job. Just so many things to consider and it's not like we can try one then change as so many logistics involved as well as upheaval for the kids!

OP posts:
Anon517 · 06/04/2025 10:11

Are there no other feasible options? If I had to choose I’d go with 1 but neither are ideal. Time together and time with the children is something you can’t ever get back. My DH used to work horrendous hours and after getting a new job it’s been like night and day having him home more and our child is so much happier too. Both of these will have an impact on time DH is there but at least with 1 he is there more often.

Radra · 06/04/2025 10:12

The main concerns raised here seem to be that DH would be exhausted by the commute if we choose option 1 OR our relationship would suffer if we choose option 2....

Yes to those but also your kids relationship with them would suffer a lot with option 2, and I also don't think option 2 is all that great for you either, I think parenting completely solo four days a week would be a lot, I wouldn't want that myself. I also just like DH, I would miss him!

There are lots of commuter towns, as opposed to villages with more for the kids, closer into London itself.

Overthebow · 06/04/2025 10:13

pistachiopastry · 06/04/2025 10:08

Thanks for the answers so far everyone. Very insightful and helpful.

The main reason we want to move is that we don't want to raise children in London itself, plus we want more space. Plus schools etc. We could afford a small terraced house within an ok area in London (we're currently renting) but not bigger. A common dilemma I think.

The commute if we moved to the village would be 1 hour by train plus a bit of travel either end from the main line station to office/home. The village itself also has a train station. So circa 1.5 hours door to door. (Which was a question here).

The main concerns raised here seem to be that DH would be exhausted by the commute if we choose option 1 OR our relationship would suffer if we choose option 2....
A game changer would be if DH could wfh more but that would likely mean a new job. Just so many things to consider and it's not like we can try one then change as so many logistics involved as well as upheaval for the kids!

I’d do the village with 1.5 hour commute. We live in a similar area and loads commute to London with that length commute. The houses are much cheaper here than London and schools are good and set up for the commuter village so wrap around care is excellent. Indont regret living here at all.

TwentyTwentyFive · 06/04/2025 10:14

The main reason we want to move is that we don't want to raise children in London itself, plus we want more space. Plus schools etc. We could afford a small terraced house within an ok area in London (we're currently renting) but not bigger. A common dilemma I think.

You're right this is a very common dilemma which is why I'm surprised both your options are so drastic. There's plenty of places commutable to London that wouldn't require a 3 hour commute or living apart for most of the week. Confused

Sofiewoo · 06/04/2025 10:14

The main concerns raised here seem to be that DH would be exhausted by the commute if we choose option 1 OR our relationship would suffer if we choose option 2....

His relationship with you and his relationship with his children would suffer with both options.
Are you genuinely in a happy marriage?
I can’t imagine preferring my DH to have to stay 3 hours away 3/4 days a week particularly when he doesn’t want that option.
You’re putting all the sacrifice on him.