Moving dilemma - DH away 4 days a week but some family support nearby OR DH having a 3 hour daily commute

[pistachiopastry]

Looking for some opinions, experiences and/or advice please on the following:

We currently live in London (DH, me, and two DC age 2 and under) but would like to move out of London this year. We have two options:

1.	Move to a small commuter village near London, which would involve a 1.5 hour commute each way by train for DH four days a week (not much flexibility to wfh, just 1 day a week). We’d likely see him for max. half an hour before the kids’ bedtime twice a week, and for a short time in the mornings. We have no family or friends here, although it does seem like a village full of families, and we would see DH every day even if just for a very short time. So it’s a trade off. 
2.	Move to a larger city at the other end of the country where I went to university, so I still have friends there, and we would also have some family within an hour’s drive. There would also be more on offer for the children nearby without having to drive all the time. However DH would have to be in London 4 days a week (so would stay there 3-4 nights)0, so we would only see him for 3 days a week (with 1 day wfh). 

DH currently prefers option 1 and I prefer option 2…. Has anyone ever done a similar move with young children and have some advice?

Neither of them are viable options in the long term. You need a 3rd solution.

So you could work and bring more money in?

I would also consider the amenities available for your children as they grow up. I'm definitely a city girl but son and family moved out to a village. I'm struck by how reliant on driving everyone is to get anywhere. I think the teenagers do lack things to do.

I have to say I would be quite hurt if my husband said his preference was not to see me for half the week.

I’d never do 2. He wouldn’t really be part of the family, would miss so much and you wouldn’t have the support. Have a bad headache or bug, No dh home by 8 to help out. Later when they are older there will be evening pick ups and they will be awake much older, he can leave a bit early and get home in time to see them in the school play…

All of my friends in London with kids chose option 3, for a variety of reasons - we all work. Finances and parenting are shared.

What is your long term plan for financial security?

I live I London zone 6 but my office is on the other side of London so my commute 2 days pw is 1.5hrs each way. My husband goes into the office more regularly and I think his commute is just over an hour door to door.

Out of those options 1 would definitely choose 1 and I think this would be fine if your husband can wfh part of the week.. If your husband has to go into the office 5 days a week I would choose somewhere with a shorter commute though.

As well as commuter towns there are a few places that are sort of London or v close but not really where people go to minimise commute but who don't like London - like Bromley/Beckenham, Walton on Thames, New Malden, Epsom, Sutton, Chistlehurst, Northwood, that sort of place.

1 1/2 hours door to door us doable. Lots of people have that journey going into London (or even school).

Have you considered how much the train fare would cost? It may be worth moving closer, having cheaper (and quicker ) train journey, and paying g slightly more on mortgage?

Yes agree with this. Train fares are so expensive! I would rather put it on my mortgage and then at least it's going towards an asset.

I guess the other thing to throw in is whether OP plans to go back to work eventually, if so also worth considering where her future career might take her

that commute is in the long side but it’s not excessive
but both of you need to be onboard
him the length of his day

OP the overwhelming majority of things will be down to her . Yes someone will come in here and say their DH is up at 4 am preps tea comes back at 7 and baths kids then does the washing .but he’ll have to be up at least 6 not back till 7.30/8 then tea so there not really a lot of support on offer

My husband knows I struggle with domesticity full time. (Late diagnosed ADHD.). We lived 4 hours apart when we met and I loved it.

One of us working away very much keeps our relationship together and means that DD has 2 capable and loving parents. We are all very happy (married 20 years).

8 nights a month in London where I can enjoy a social life and nit be stressed about late night working keeps me “whole”.

There are cheaper areas of London.
SE and East are usually cheaper.
London Borough of Hillingdon is the cheapest in West London.
You could consider Watford with trains only taking 16 minutes to Euston, for example.
I would look for an option 3, option 2 is definitely a no.

That’s not the same then because the OP’s husband doesn’t want to live elsewhere half the week.

Why that particular village? Does it have great schools (including secondary) and public transport links for teens? Loads of options with shorter commute.

Nah, loads and loads of people do 1, often with both parents doing it (DH and I both do but are in two days each). It's fine.

I do know people who do option 1 perfectly happily it's true but only when they have a strong reason for choosing that location. The vast majority of people I know doing commutes over an hour, it's either one of them has family there, one of them works there (and the other does the commute) or there's another reason (e.g. scholarship to a great school) at play.

I wouldn't choose a long commute unless there was a really good reason for it.

I've done 1.5hr commutes into London the past. When all the transport works as needed it was just about bearable. But when the weather was bad and the trains were messed up that 1.5hrs could easily turn into a very miserable 2.5hrs. I'd not do it if my children were small.

A lot to digest here, thanks for the input from everyone. The village we have had on our "move to list" for a few years ticks a lot of boxes - including a frequent train directly to London - hence why it's on the list.
However, it sounds like we need to look afresh and see if there is somewhere similar closer to London with a shorter commute and which also ticks similar boxes. Thanks for the suggestions everyone.

I do know a couple of friends who have the 4 day apart set up (some even for longer periods at a time) and it works (without necessitating a divorce!!), but every couple is different and it would definitely be much harder with young children.

To those questioning my return to work and finances - this is what works for me and my family at the moment (with a newborn and a young toddler) and I feel secure. I will return to work when the children are at school. Would a working mum be asked "what about you stay at home with the kids instead?"

What will your career prospects be if you’re out of the labour market and then trying to find work in this village? With primary school aged children you’d really struggle to have two parents doing a big commute back to London so you’re in danger of hitting your career with the double whammy of a long career break and limited search area.

I will return to work when the children are at school. Would a working mum be asked "what about you stay at home with the kids instead?"

Not when the question is presenting two pretty rubbish scenarios for your DH which is caused due to your limited finances.

Personally I would choose to work way before I would want by DH to live away half way across the country for half the week but your priorities are obviously different.

Don’t turn this into a working vs sahm scenario. Posters raising the point of you earning some money is relevant when a lack of family finances is the cause of your dilemma.

That commute need not be awful at all. I do just over 1.5 hours each way three days a week. It's no problem at all. I always get a seat so can snooze, work or message friends, do the online shop etc from the train. It's not dead time.

So as long as it's a line where he can reasonably expect a seat (much more common these days with less people travelling) then I'd say option 1.

A lot of people do option 1, my DH included

This

I wouldn't personally choose a 1.5 hr commute but I think the bigger issue with it is that you don't sound like you really like it - because it doesn't have a lot to do without driving everywhere.

A long commute is doable if you really like the place or have a good reason to live there but given you don't, I would look elsewhere