Anyone terrified of nurseries/childcare?

[Lelophants]

This is the SAHP THREAD!

I’m due to put my baby into nursery when she turns one so I can potentially go back to some (very part time) work. I’ve pretty been out of work since my 5 year old was born for various reasons. I’ve started to feel ready to do some paid work, especially now he’s at a good school. The reasons are I’d like to think I’m contributing financially and get my toe into something I can progress with when all kids are older. Plus my sanity.

But every now and then I freak out and get so scared of putting her in nursery! You hear so many awful stories of abuse and I get so much anxiety.

DH is a high earner (and tbh it’s easier if I’m at home with the kids and odd jobs when he’s commuting!) and maybe I should wait until she’s older/ can talk?

But we have no family help and I’d love some time to myself :( DH obviously takes the kids on weekends but he’s exhausted and it’s not the same.

Everyone else I know works at least part time so nursery is normalised. What do you think? Do I just need to get over my anxiety or appreciate this extra year or so?

You really don’t hear lots of awful stories of abuse - but “went to nursery, drew a picture, got my nappy changed, ate carrot sticks” doesn’t make the news.

Go back now. You can always change if it doesn’t work out.

If you don't need to work, it's entirely up to you. I didn't put either of mine in nursery until they were three, as I don't think they are great places for babies and enjoyed looking after them myself. Yes I was in a minority, but you just do what you feel is best. If you need a break, you need a break. Luckily my husband works from home so it's not been as relentless as it could have been.

If you are just asking for opinions of SAHMs then the feedback will probably be that home is the best place for little ones. Mums who work will share a different perspective. No doubt there are many 1 year olds doing perfectly well in a childcare setting.

You hear so many awful stories of abuse

Do you? I don’t. Maybe a nanny might be better for you, from an agency etc so you know they’re vetted, and you can see your baby throughout the day (just don’t oversee the nanny all day as that’s annoying and what the point in having a nanny in the case - speaking from experience 😄).

I always just used a gym with a Creche - there was only a 2 hour maximum but it meant the kids had fun with other kids and other toys, and I had time to myself, and that time generally had to be healthy for me as was at a gym 😁 then they went to nursery around age 2.

I was frightened before my eldest went to anyone other me and my husband. I took my son to play sessions at our local children's centre. My main fear was that of being judged by the other parents.

Thankfully the lovely staff at the centre were able to help me to feel more at ease with how my own parenting was going, and got me to put my child in a creche for two hours a week whilst I took an adult learning course. Once I had been able to regularly separate for short periods each week the prospect of putting him into nursery a couple of days a week got much easier for me.

I know many family support resources were cut during the last decade but if something like this isn't available in your area could you do a childcare swap with another local parent for a few hours a week to free you up to work instead? Best wishes for finding a way forwards.

Have you actually visited any nurseries, OP? It might set your mind at rest.

Nursery was our best decision! They love it and run in every morning! They have so many little friends, I love seeing pictures of them all playing together. They learn to share with their peers, do so many activities. Even if I didn’t work I would send them in as it’s been so beneficial for us.

I would suggest visiting some nurseries as they are all very different. But you could wait a year or two and use a preschool or playgroup type setting - if you dont need to work 9 - 5 you may find this a more child -centred option.

Since you have a choice, do what's right for you and your family.

Nursery isn't necessary for children under three as they get everything they need socially from family and the odd baby/toddler group if you fancy it.

If you (quite reasonably) want some time for you or are keen to return to work, investigate childminders and nannies as well as nurseries as they may suit you better.

Don’t forget you won’t see the vast vast majority of happy nursery stories in the media - things like abuse are very rare. Why not view some nurseries and see what you think / feel? You might have to go on a waiting list anyway. It’s important that you look after yourself.

I’m a SAHP, situation sounds very similar to you, high earner husband/easier to have someone at home/out of the workplace for four years. I will not be putting my youngest (seven months) into childcare until three despite wanting to get back to work for all the reasons you listed. I don’t believe what is best for me is best for him. I have known nursery workers who say they would not send their own children to nursery. I also think nurseries have a terrible culture, staff are generally either very young or uneducated and children are treated with mild contempt in many cases. There have recently been studies published showing that children who were put into nursery settings from a young age are much much more likely to have anxiety and depression as teenagers. This is the first longitudinal study showing the impacts of full time mass childcare for very young children and I imagine there will be many more, it is a modern phenomenon and one which I believe is really unhealthy for young children

I remember absolutely sobbing when my first went. I was similar in that I didn’t have to go back to work but felt I should.

Both my children have gone to nursery from 13/14 months. Both have been absolutely fine and thrived there and both talk fondly about the staff and nursery (we drive past) despite having both left there. They also made some lovely friends who we keep in touch with.

Just take your time and chose the right nursery for you.

The studies show there is no benefit from 0-24 months. A small benefit from 24+ and a bigger benefit vs being at home from 36+ months. There is a sweet spot of childcare - I think something like 25 hours - anymore is considered detrimental. The differences are in any event very small statistically.

Yeah you need to go and look at a few and get a feel for them .

i put my son in a preschool and pulled him out within 2 hours because I didn’t like it but we found another and it was amazing.

You hear so many awful stories of abuse

You hear about them because they're so rare.

If I'd had the option, mine would have stayed home until 3. But I didn't. I did find a nursery with a lot of older staff, experienced mums, and mums with their own children there too, albeit in different rooms. Both of my children have formed exceptionally close bonds to a handful of the staff there. My little girl, 3 in January, goes to the baby room every morning for cuddles with their room leader before heading up to her own room. She shows me the different dance moves her friends teach her, brings home cookies she's made, etc.

I think the key is finding the right setting for your child. When i was looking around, I picked the one where there were lots of cuddles, free play, outside time. No rigid routines around food or sleeps, and lots of open affection.

@SunQueen24 I completely agree that from three years it is beneficial for children to be in some form of childcare setting. The large Canadian study on thousands of children over many years showed significant problems socially and emotionally for children under three in childcare for I think more than ten hours a week which continued into adulthood (I haven’t reread the study so may be wrong on the hours) but yes agree that essentially some childcare is fine and perhaps look into how many hours are suggested

Sources?

I took a couple years out with dc2 and still managed to get back into the work place just fine. I had had a bad experience with dc1 in a private nursery and didn't want to place dc2 in child care until they were a little older, then I found a lively child minder. Take the extra time if you want to, or if not maybe consider a child minder.

@KindOf https://ifstudies.org/blog/measuring-the-long-term-effects-of-early-extensive-day-care I had also seen one more recently but can’t seem to find it now but this was a very large study over a number of years involving thousands of children

Ah yes the modern phenomenon of nursery....so much worse for child development than the thousands of years of childcare prior which, apart from the 0.1% who could afford nannies, consisted of young children just left to their own devices/watched by very slightly older children/tied to their mother's back while she worked in the fields or a factory. Or failing that they just died.🙄

There are thousands of nurseries in the UK, how on earth can you say they all have a "terrible culture"?

You could have just stopped at "I didn't want to put my own child in nursery" without making such ridiculous claims.

@1offnamechange you’re welcome to read the study which actually quantifies the effects

Could you delay until your child is 2 and potentially find a nursery that caters for 2 to 5 year olds. I moved my son after some not very positive experiences, and now he is thriving at his new nursery. I originally sent him at 14 months and he seemed OK, but as he got a bit older it didn't go well.

I also think nurseries have a terrible culture, staff are generally either very young or uneducated and children are treated with mild contempt in many cases.

I don't think you can speak for all nurseries can you?

I found a lovely childminder very close to my office. We looked at six environments. At all the others, DS (aged. 2) clung to my hand, wouldn't engage but at this childminder he toddled straight in, sat down and started playing.

His instincts were good. She had 30 years experience, had been the Ofsted area supervisor for childminders and was one of the kindest and most sensible women I've ever met.

You need to go and look closely. Check out the environment, cleanliness, space, toys, green space,, catering options. See how your child reacts, take references. Hopefully one of them will feel right and reassure you.

Personally we used childminder who was a friend three days a week from 1-3, then nursery.

You're right, you need to trust that someone else will take care of your child properly and there's a risk they won't. This is something that happens in life anyway as they get older and sent to school, but you could delay taking that leap.

The risk is miniscule though, people don't go into childcare to be horrible. They're usually dedicated people who earn a pittance but love the job.

Why don't you try out using a paid babysitter for a few hours to see how it feels? As a kind of a test.

My employer let me do three days in four so I got kids at 3.30 when nursery finished, I preferred that to them having an 8.30-5.30 day to cover full working day and commuting.