Anyone terrified of nurseries/childcare?

[Lelophants]

This is the SAHP THREAD!

I’m due to put my baby into nursery when she turns one so I can potentially go back to some (very part time) work. I’ve pretty been out of work since my 5 year old was born for various reasons. I’ve started to feel ready to do some paid work, especially now he’s at a good school. The reasons are I’d like to think I’m contributing financially and get my toe into something I can progress with when all kids are older. Plus my sanity.

But every now and then I freak out and get so scared of putting her in nursery! You hear so many awful stories of abuse and I get so much anxiety.

DH is a high earner (and tbh it’s easier if I’m at home with the kids and odd jobs when he’s commuting!) and maybe I should wait until she’s older/ can talk?

But we have no family help and I’d love some time to myself :( DH obviously takes the kids on weekends but he’s exhausted and it’s not the same.

Everyone else I know works at least part time so nursery is normalised. What do you think? Do I just need to get over my anxiety or appreciate this extra year or so?

But that's not the case for all nurseries. We purposely chose one with a lot of long-standing members of staff. Ours had a lot of older carers who had been there years and had kids of their own who had gone there... in fact I would say 3/4 of the key workers my son had in his time there were older than me, and all had kids of their own.

There were some young girls too - some were a bit monosyllabic and you could tell they didn't want to be there. But the majority were lovely, so sweet and energetic. We used one as our babysitter for a while. You need a mix.

I have no doubt there are some crap nurseries around - in fact I viewed one that on reflection I should have reported to Ofsted. But I put a lot of effort into finding a good one.

Personally I always found the idea of childminders a bit worrying for non-talking children. No colleagues as a second pair of eyes, no CCTV, no idea who's in and out of the house. Not for me with a baby.

Not all nurseries are bad. In fact some are amazing. I pulled my LO out of one after 3 weeks as the soul was missing from it, she was crying every day and I hated it too. And then found an incredible one. So full of love and warmth she loves being there so much despite being the most clingy baby ever. She's only there 3 days which is the perfect balance.

Just to add, they pay their staff well which means more experienced staff who are happier = happier babies

I wouldn't advise nurseries at all. I have relatives who have worked in them or done agency and heard some terrible stories and that isn't unusual. Childminders and nannies are better I personally think.
I know I will be flamed for this but you are right to be cautious about nurseries, OP.

With childminders they usually have at least one older child there who can speak out to parents about mistreatment. With nurseries how on earth would you know if babies were being mistreated in a baby room? There was that awful case recently where one of those nursery workers killed a baby and they had CCTV there...

I really think a group of small babies is more vulnerable to abuse than a mixed age group at a childminders. Your LO might be too little to speak out but other children there could whisteblow with a childminder

Nursery is a long time ago for me now but I was anxious about it and can relate. I had read the research mentioned too which didn't help. I also visited one nursery that I thought was awful. My main hang up was wanting my child to be able to crawl/walk as i had visions of him just stuck in a corner.

In the end we did find a nursery that we liked and we liked the staff who were stable, and it was fine. I think my son enjoyed it and I was still his primary carer and still able to see his behaviour changed as a result if attending.

You hear so many awful stories of abuse

Where?
Who are you listening to?
When, incredibly rarely, there is a case of abuse at Nursery, it hits the headlines because it absolutely is news, as it is so rare. "My child went to Nursery, made friends, had the chance to do all sorts of craft I never do with them, learned social skills around sharing and taking turns, played outside, used equipment I don't have, and learned to spend time with other children and other adults, then came home happily at the end of her session" doesn't tend to make any news report, anywhere, wherever you get your news from, but it is the story of hundreds upon thousands of dc every day.

SnapDragonToadflax I'm glad you are happy with your choice of nursery and it's all worked out. I would just like to point out that the versions of the staff who meet you at the door each are very often not the versions everyone else sees once the doors are closed, so please don't be lulled into a false sense of security by that. I've seen horrible staff come across as the nicest, most caring people in the front of parents. Also just because the staff are parents themselves it does not means they treat your child any better than the staff without. I'm sure there are great nurseries out there and it seems you've found one. Personally it's not a chance I'd take and with my own dc in light of what I've witnessed but mine are older now so it's a non issue.

You would be better asking on chat. You won't get biased "I couldn't possibly put my child in nursery" posts.

Statistically you are the biggest risk to your child. No I don't worry unduly.

I've been a SAHM and a working mum (PT) I've also worked in a nursery, and I am also quite a protective, careful and anxious parent.

I didn't send my oldest DD til 3.
My youngest went into childcare at 10mths but with a really lovely childminder!
Personally, I think a childminder is best for babies and young toddlers, as it's one person for them (and you!) to form a close attachment to and also home based, quieter environment, as long as you are careful who you go for as obviously they are alone with the children and there are some wonderful ones (like ours) and also some bad ones.

Whatever childcare you choose, just go with your gut....do a thorough look around and don't be afraid to ask questions and express concerns.
Some things to consider.....

1. Are they appropriate with how they discipline children, or too harsh/child blaming/make fun of them etc
2. Do the kids appear comfortable with the staff, or are they wary to get close, express themselves, ask for help etc or seem on edge around them
3. Do the children seem happy, playful, absorbed in activities, or are they drifting about or appearing too quiet/ bored/unsettled/upset.
4. Are the staff willing to be flexible, and listen to your perspective as the child's parent, respecting that you know your child best.
5. Are they welcoming and give you time to chat, or are they quick to rush you out the door.
6. Are they conscious about children's emotional needs, eg: supporting them to get to sleep, not leaving them to cry, doing a gradual settling in process not expecting you to drop your child and go.

Good luck in your search x

I'm a SAHP and I'v put my children in nursery. I use a term time only one. As it's obviously not great for childcare the quality of the care is better in my opinion.

I've had nothing but positive experiences of nursery for my children! The staff absolutely love them, the kids themselves are happy and have developed really close bonds with their key workers, they run straight into their arms for a big cuddle. Any time I've arrived before staff have noticed me I can see them all playing and interacting with the kids. If they're sad they get cuddled and held til they're feeling better, and when we looked round they immediately offered my son to stay in the baby room and play while we looked around, and when we came back he was devastated to leave! We took that as a good sign 😊

I don't have the luxury of choice about putting my kids in nursery. But if I did, I think I would still choose to send them to some sort of daycare part time as I've seen now how good it is for their socialisation and interpersonal skills! Mine have both been 13/14 months when they started.

Ratio of 1:2 for under two year olds. One who is their key worker. DT’s had separate key workers which was better for them to become individuals and not always “the twins “. The two key workers became our babysitters from when DT’s started nursery.
Staff turnover was low and DT’s only had two different key workers in the time they were there - one until they were two and then another from ages 2-4.
DT’s were more than fine at nursery - they thrived and loved being greeted by their key worker each morning.
Everyone I know used full time nursery and had no negatives.

@Isitreallythiscrap I have heard my relatives who work in nurseries say almost the exact same thing as you wrote, word to word.
The staff put on a good show but ultimately they are often very different behind closed doors. As I say, a lot of my family have worked in nurseries so they see it all. Not like parents who see a snapshot of what is shown to them.

It's not the danger of a nursery but the lack of attention and care as well as overworked staff especially if they make up numbers with cheap labour .... apprentices.

Pick a good nursery - there are so many excellent places. Do your research and homework and visit as many as you need to. No one I know has had their DC’s at places like you are describing.

Under 2s are a one to 3 ratio in nursery and in a baby room they can all be the same age a childminders usual ratio is also 1 to 3 but unless twins it's one under one and no more than 3 under school age so normally a childminder provides more individual care than a nursery and is the key worker forming a close bond. In a nursery normally the key worker is only for paperwork and contact and is not the only person to welcome in and care for a child....the true purpose of a key worker to meet attachment needs. The two year old nursery ratio is 1 to 5, once a child is 3 the nursery ratio is 1 to 8 and in some cases 1 to 13....

Excellent nurseries exist, as do poor childminders and everything between. Do your research, ask for recommendations and you’ll soon find out the best nursery/childminder in the area.

DC’s nursery is amazing. I’ve never recognised any of the things often spouted on here by those who have usually never used a nursery themselves. DC’s nursery isn’t full of inexperienced teens, the vast majority have been there for years.

DH and I both pick up at different times because we both work flexibly which means we see the nursery at different hours, not always when they are expecting us and we’ve never seen anything to be concerned about.

I'm an assessor in childcare so have seen a wide number and variety of the real settings that Ofsted and parents don't see. Unless a child is at risk or EYFS rules broken I can't interfere even a London £10k a term nursery left me cold.

In a poor nursery that may be the case but not in a good one.

At DC’s nursery, the keyworker is the one who does nappy changes, bottle feeds etc and DC’s definitely build up a special bond with their keyworker.

As I posted earlier , DT’s nursery was 1:2 for under 2’s and then 1:3 until they left at age 4. Their nursery key worker was their main caregiver at nursery.

Not all nurseries are bad of course, but if I had a 1yo and didn't need to go back to work, I don't think I'd choose to send my dc to one. Depends on the job you'd be going back to, but since it's just something very part time, it wouldn't be worth it for me.

There is no wrong choice, but just saying what I would do if I had the choice. I have to work for the money, otherwise you bet your ass I'd be a sahm! I'd love it

Neither DH or I financially need to work but both have careers we wanted to progress so we chose the best nursery providing excellent care.

I never wanted to be a SAHP and neither did DH.

My workplace nursery was excellent, however it had to be, as parents could (and did) pop in at any time. The staff were very professional and had lots of experience of children. Many had been paediatric nurses previously.