Anyone terrified of nurseries/childcare?

[Lelophants]

This is the SAHP THREAD!

I’m due to put my baby into nursery when she turns one so I can potentially go back to some (very part time) work. I’ve pretty been out of work since my 5 year old was born for various reasons. I’ve started to feel ready to do some paid work, especially now he’s at a good school. The reasons are I’d like to think I’m contributing financially and get my toe into something I can progress with when all kids are older. Plus my sanity.

But every now and then I freak out and get so scared of putting her in nursery! You hear so many awful stories of abuse and I get so much anxiety.

DH is a high earner (and tbh it’s easier if I’m at home with the kids and odd jobs when he’s commuting!) and maybe I should wait until she’s older/ can talk?

But we have no family help and I’d love some time to myself :( DH obviously takes the kids on weekends but he’s exhausted and it’s not the same.

Everyone else I know works at least part time so nursery is normalised. What do you think? Do I just need to get over my anxiety or appreciate this extra year or so?

Sorry, are you arguing with me that the thing I very clearly said more than once in a single post, was just my personal feelings on what I would do in the same position as op is somehow wrong? I have a career but I'd rather not need one tbh!

What is it you see?

Which London nursery charges £10k a term?

I agree @Mynameistallullah that PP is a bit strange, not least posting on a SAHP thread declaring very clearly that they wouldn't be a SAHP under any circumstances. I'm a SAHM but very rarely stick my head above the parapet on here as you'll get shot down in flames, largely by people weirdly feeling the need to aggressively justify their decisions to work/use nursery.

OP, to answer your initial post, I think your anxieties are valid and I believe putting babies into nursery when they are pre-verbal requires a level of trust I can't and don't want to achieve. I am a SAHM to my two - my DD started at an excellent council run preschool, part time at 3, and my youngest is still at home with me - he's 14 months old and the thought of handing him over to be looked after by a nursery worker horrifies me. He would have no idea where I was, who was looking after him, when I'd be coming home. More importantly, I would have no idea from him if he was happy, well looked after, scared, bored, hungry. The lack of communication and understanding is a significant issue for me.

I respect anyone's right to choose. I choose to keep my babies with me.

I once saw a great meta analyis of research on reddit. It found that high quality child care is as good as at-home care. I remember the problem was that most people will say their childcare solution is exceptionally good! This obviously is not the case but parents are not great at objectively evaluating childcare settings.

I think it’s best to be child led. My friend has a vivacious little girl who has been going to full time nursery since 9 months and I can see she genuinely loves it. She’s clever, thriving and is now a very strong communicator. I don’t think it’s held her back a bit and has given her a brilliant start. Not all kids enjoy overly stimulating environments though and would be better suited to a nanny share or similar.

How do you find a good or poor nursery as a parent? Few allow parents unrestricted access. I've seen staff of very exclusive nurseries working hours out of contract to produce fake portfolios with each being identical we actually used it to discuss why it was bad practice

Ofsted, word of mouth and going to visit combined.

Very rare must have been a very expensive nursery especially if taking funding no way would a setting stay open on such low ratios 3 year olds typically get paid funding a third of that of a 9 month old. At the standard ratio nurseries are struggling to pay minimum wages...my borough it takes just under 3 to cover minimum costs of one staff member let alone the other bills and staff. But as I've said I've been in very expensive outstanding rated nurseries with very happy parents who are different behind closed doors.

And as I said all those do not see the real nursery

Ofsted isn't worth the paper it is written on. Many 'outstanding' nurseries are awful. Sorry but it's all show. Inspectors come in and staff are on their best behaviour, engaging with the kids in a way they wouldn't normally. All paperwork and staffing is in place. Same with show arounds.

My friend has worked in over 20 nurseries as bank staff and said she only rated 2 of them and would only leave her child in those 2. That says a lot....

Very exclusive top ten ones don't worry you won't get in

It came recommended to us by numerous friends and had a long waiting list. We collected at different times depending upon when DH and I were working so often turned up when we weren’t expected and we were pleased by what we saw.
We’re past nursery days now but have good memories of DT’s time there.

Word of mouth
The feel of the nursery such as do they have an open door policy, staff turnover etc
ratios

Yes I can confirm too having seen both sides that unfortunately this can be the case.But then again it also happens in schools for sure.Difference is then though they are old enough to tell you!
That is why we chose a childminder....personally i feel there is often too many uncertainties in a daycare nursery of who is looking after your child.They often have high staff turnover and bank staff etc.
They will talk about the keyperson system but unfortunately it's not always implemented as properly as it should be.

I would say the best way is to watch the interactions and body language of children and staff but since COVID many have continued the door drop policy. I've been in ones that have a delay period or opening the door to allow staff to get into rooms the ratio can apply over the whole building not in each and every room.

See my previous post of things to look for
...also, if there is an outside area, stand the other side of the fence and listen!

If your child has started, photos of them can go some way to knowing of they are happily playing and joining in but obviously not totally foolproof.

Ultimately you have to trust your gut and be a stringent observer and detective!

I don't need a nursery I visit many but as I'm not a parent or in a regulatory role I'm able to sit for full days on several visits I can only step in if one of my students gets it wrong or if a child is endangered not just for bad practice.

That’s definitely a good one too. We wouldn’t have used a nursery that had rigid drop off/pick up times or seemed hesitant to let parents inside. Ours has large windows inside too so parents can look in before going in the room if they want to.

All this arguing. Im going to put my head above the parapet and say that no-one can really know unless you line all these kids up as adults or teens and analyse who is happiest etc but I will bet it’s more to do with who has happy stable loving home lives and who has secure attachment to their parent or caregiver, rather than what age they went to nursery.

I’m a nursery nurse (old fashioned NNEB) and whilst I’m not working in a nursery now, I can honestly say I loved all my charges, I see some of them even now and they are in their 30s - I nurtured and loved these children in a professional capacity and I like to think I was the next best thing to their Mum … a good nursery with a range of qualified staff will benefit your child and yourself.

How nasty and offensive of you. I had 10 GCSE’s at A*-B, BBB at A level, 2:1 degree and QTS. I worked in a nursery for 14 years, genuinely because I much preferred the age range to schools. Several of my team were also graduates. Of course, like any service, there are a few poor ones around but the vast majority are good. Please do not present your stereotypical opinions as facts.

If I were you and didn't have to rush I'd wait another 6 months. And in the meantime practise with the creche at the gym for shorter times

I had my mum to help and didn't need to go back to work for a couple of years. She goes 2 days a week and she's four. It tires her out, gives her some socialising and different input and, best of all, she can tell me if anything upsets her. I could take the salary hit and so did while she was too young to benefit from 'socialising' under 3 as they just play alone before that and while she was too young to tell me what went on.
With my first dd, I sent her age two. Once she came home with someone else's poop on ber clothes. Then I found they were binning her lunch so I never knew what she'd eaten or not. Then I arrived early and saw her being frogmarched across the playground. This in a private 'outstanding' nursery. Pulled her out. Waited until she was old enough to tell me what went on and found a friendly one (even so there were drawbacks, things I wouldn't have taught her).The main woman in the private one was old, severe and no nonsense, not soft or kind.
Even in the best nursery, they are not their children. They will not be as compassionate or understanding of your child as you would be or as family.would be. If you don't have to, don't.

Children in highchairs lined up with one staff member feeding one spoon one bowl until the conversation about the boyfriend made them not change the spoon. Staff pulled off for admin leaving the room poorly staffed, diaries completed for the day at 10am stating meals naps etc. staff chatting and ignoring children, children not going into the beautiful gardens oh no only on pe day, children directed to make perfect pictures, nappies changed in a conveyor belt no glove changes no interaction, rehearsals for plays meaning 2 year olds sit singing song repeatedly for 45 mins....it has to be perfect. No free play, John what's this letter no peggy what is it that's right now John what is it no blah blah. No free access to books in case they are torn, lots of shit practice over many settings. The good ones stand out because the children are different the atmosphere is different and the staff are happy and up beat.

Children start to play alongside and be happy to see their friends even before two, they learn sharing and empathy etc. I wouldn't say you don't need to socialise until they are 3 but of course it can be done in toddler groups etc.
To be fair many childcare workers do care passionately for the children it isn't a job you stay in long just for the low wages.
How did you know it was another child's pooh?