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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Angry Husband

57 replies

Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:31

My husband is one of those men who define themselves as "alphas" by which definition they get to be angry at everyone every time they have a mood shift.

The problem is I am not healthy enough to deal with his anger rationally. The irrational part of my brain gives me palpitations and extreme stress every time he loses his cool on me.
None of it is helped by the fact that he says extremely MEAN things when he is angry. He will actually use words that let me know that I am basically a parasite leechung on him. Because I am a SAHM since the kids.

I have two kids with him, both of whom are very young (4 & 2). I fear that both will learn that anger is the normal state of being for men. Plus, with two very young kids, its difficult to go out and work. I really dont understand how and what i shall do. I am 40, and I already have atrial fibrillation and type II diabetes, from being under stress all the time. I fear I will drop dead from the trauma of his anger some days. I dont know what to do about this anymore.
Before the kids I used to take up jobs in different cities so that I didn't have to "deal" with my marriage. I was financially stable. Socially however, my life was a mess.
Now I have social acceptance everywhere I go, but I really do fear I will drop dead on somedays. If I do what hapoens to my chuldren, and if I dont, what still happens with my children?

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 03/03/2023 17:32

What do you want to do?

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/03/2023 17:33

You can't go on like this. You are living in a war zone. What are your options?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2023 17:34

Leave this abusive arsehole before he ruins your children's lives.

Snoopinator · 03/03/2023 17:34

If you drop dead, they get to be raised by an emotionally abusive parent. If you don't drop dead, they get to grow up in an abusive household unless you remove them or him from the household.

Original poster
Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:34

I dont know. Ithink I want peace AND social connections.
My family is very big on being married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:39

I have tried it many times. We drew up the divorce papers before the kids. But I AM scared of staying all alone.
He is a good father, other than the anger. He provides, even though he does it as a favor to me. He is also around and plays with his children.
With two kids to raise I dont want to take on the financial trauma of a divorce. It will be a money and time consuming process. I just want peace.

OP posts:
Snoopinator · 03/03/2023 17:39

Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:34

I dont know. Ithink I want peace AND social connections.
My family is very big on being married.

You'd better carry on, then, until you can decide what you want.

Original poster
Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:41

Exactly, that is what I feel. Its like a war zone. Where I am under enemy fire for each mistake/incorrect behaviour.
Its very difficult. We have tried couples counselling. He has partial epilepsy and I fear these are epileptic events where he losescontrol of his behaviour, like Guilles De tourette syndrome?

OP posts:
Mythicalcreatures · 03/03/2023 17:42

You want peace, but wanting won't get you peace, you need to do something to get peace ( leave him)

Original poster
Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:46

I feel that I could have walked out before the kids. In a snap. Now though, I dont know. Although he does treat me like I am taking handouts from him to raise HIS children.

sigh

How do people deal with extremely angry spouses on here? I would like any tips. I really am at my wits end. We have done therapy, counseling. The only thing that helps is his seizure medication. But he drops it every two months because he feels it makes him "dull".

OP posts:
Warspite · 03/03/2023 17:47

Maybe I’m naive but I can never understand the rush to divorce. It may be a utopian thought but could you agree to legally separate and leave getting divorced until after the dust settles?
I am so sorry you are having to put up with this anxiety.

Take your time to make the best decision. Try to find someone whose judgement you trust to talk your options through with maybe? He sounds most unpleasant. Life is too short to put up with this awful angry man. Get out whilst you’re young enough to roll with it.

Original poster
Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:49

But is that the ONLY way? I feel that if I can get by for ten more years (once the kids are out of primary school) I will leave him.
We have already been married for 13 years. Its not like I want (or can have, for that matter. We are very socially conservative) another person in my life AT ALL.

OP posts:
Snoopinator · 03/03/2023 17:50

Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:49

But is that the ONLY way? I feel that if I can get by for ten more years (once the kids are out of primary school) I will leave him.
We have already been married for 13 years. Its not like I want (or can have, for that matter. We are very socially conservative) another person in my life AT ALL.

By that time your kids will have been living in a toxic, abusive home for years. It'll be too late to undo the damage.

Original poster
Vienn · 03/03/2023 17:51

I think that ship has passed. I feel old to my BONES since I have had the kids. I dont even feel like workimg anymore. When I used to be a workaholic and work was the raison d etre of my life.

OP posts:
Snoopinator · 03/03/2023 17:53

What are you looking for with this thread?

LazJaz · 03/03/2023 17:59

haven’t RTFT but you sound like my mum 35 years ago in your OP
my mum stayed. They are still together. It has largely destroyed her- she makes her happiness where she can but she hasn’t had a great life.
my brothers and I are all in intensive therapy for the trauma of growing up with such unhappy parents.

I really feel for you - this is a terribly sad situation.

I’ll tell you what I told my mother.

you get one life. You deserve happiness. You wouldn’t let someone treat your child this way, don’t let someone treat you this way.

look after yourself, be brave. Thinking of you

Macaroni46 · 03/03/2023 18:01

I realise this isn't helpful but why on earth did you have children with this man?
You need to remove the DC from this toxic situation. There is no other way.

Original poster
Vienn · 03/03/2023 18:04

I dont know. Empathy I think? From others who have been there? I dont think I can leave. I stayed separately from him for the first seven years of the marriage (he was like this from the get go, demeaning when angry, and very sweet and nice when not angry). Different countries /cities even.
I didn't have kids because I knew I couldn't subject kids to this.

My family sort of pressured me into reconciliation and kids. Also, I dont think they really understand how much stress I get from his anger issues.

Now I dont know how to go forward and still stay healthy. I got severe reactive depression early in my marriage. Then came the early onset diabetes. And now atrial fib.

OP posts:
Sunriseinwonderland · 03/03/2023 18:04

You need to ask him if he is prepared to pay his part for childcare while you go back to work. It would do you good to get back to the work place. It will I.prove your self esteem.

Lizziet64 · 03/03/2023 18:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Vienn · 03/03/2023 18:07

Macaroni46 · 03/03/2023 18:01

I realise this isn't helpful but why on earth did you have children with this man?
You need to remove the DC from this toxic situation. There is no other way.

But he isnt toxic to them AT ALL. His anger is ONLY towards me. I realize that makes me a bogger idiot for staying. But I don't know how or what else I could have done.
Thank you LazJaz. That really means a lot to me

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 03/03/2023 18:08

Vienn · 03/03/2023 18:04

I dont know. Empathy I think? From others who have been there? I dont think I can leave. I stayed separately from him for the first seven years of the marriage (he was like this from the get go, demeaning when angry, and very sweet and nice when not angry). Different countries /cities even.
I didn't have kids because I knew I couldn't subject kids to this.

My family sort of pressured me into reconciliation and kids. Also, I dont think they really understand how much stress I get from his anger issues.

Now I dont know how to go forward and still stay healthy. I got severe reactive depression early in my marriage. Then came the early onset diabetes. And now atrial fib.

I'm sorry OP but you need to do what's right for you rather than being pressured by your family. If you told them the truth about your situation, do you think they'd support you?

MelchiorsMistress · 03/03/2023 18:09

If you’re going to stay in a marriage you’re so unhappy in because it’s easier and it pays your way in life then you can’t be surprised that you get treated as badly. It’s like a vicious cycle and you need to get out of it.

Peace comes from within so think about what you can do to feel better in yourself if you can’t face leaving your marriage yet. What can you do to improve your physical health and what can you do to give you the mental resources you need to live like this? You won’t change him, all you can change is you.

Macaroni46 · 03/03/2023 18:09

"But he isnt toxic to them AT ALL. His anger is ONLY towards me. I realize that makes me a bogger idiot for staying. But I don't know how or what else I could have done.
Thank you LazJaz. That really means a lot to me"

They are witnessing toxicity. Even if it's 'only' towards you, that's not ok. It's a toxic atmosphere for them to grow up in. You need to shield them from that. And who's to say he won't be nasty to them as they get older??

Mumsanetta · 03/03/2023 18:09

OP, I’m really sorry that this is the life that you and your children are currently living. The answer is very simple - you don’t learn to live with an angry man trapped in a marriage that makes you ill, you leave him and give your children the chance to grow up in a happier, albeit modest, home.