Angry Husband

[Vienn]

My husband is one of those men who define themselves as "alphas" by which definition they get to be angry at everyone every time they have a mood shift.

The problem is I am not healthy enough to deal with his anger rationally. The irrational part of my brain gives me palpitations and extreme stress every time he loses his cool on me.
None of it is helped by the fact that he says extremely MEAN things when he is angry. He will actually use words that let me know that I am basically a parasite leechung on him. Because I am a SAHM since the kids.

I have two kids with him, both of whom are very young (4 & 2). I fear that both will learn that anger is the normal state of being for men. Plus, with two very young kids, its difficult to go out and work. I really dont understand how and what i shall do. I am 40, and I already have atrial fibrillation and type II diabetes, from being under stress all the time. I fear I will drop dead from the trauma of his anger some days. I dont know what to do about this anymore.
Before the kids I used to take up jobs in different cities so that I didn't have to "deal" with my marriage. I was financially stable. Socially however, my life was a mess.
Now I have social acceptance everywhere I go, but I really do fear I will drop dead on somedays. If I do what hapoens to my chuldren, and if I dont, what still happens with my children?

It doesn't matter that your family are big in marriage- they're not the ones in the firing line, being made ill by a tyrant rampaging through your feelings.

It doesn't matter if a divorce is costly in terms of money when your marriage is costing you your health.

Your children are being subject to a man who belittles and shouts and verbally abuses their mother. That is damaging.

I don't understand why you want to find coping mechanisms, when the most obvious one is remove him from your life, protect your kids and find the joy in the world again.

You do not have to stay.

He is a good father, other than the anger. He provides, even though he does it as a favor to me. He is also around and plays with his children.

No OP he is not a good father. A good father does not take his anger out on his family. The atmosphere inside your house is harming the children. Going to work and playing with children isn’t exactly a high bar you’re setting here.
You cannot control his anger. No matter what you do or say it will not change him. He can control his anger and only him. Does he take his anger out on others outside the home?
From reading your posts OP it sounds like you have been worn down by the abuse.
Have you confided in any family or friends?

Of course he’s toxic to them, it’s by virtue of being toxic to you, their mother.

He is an involved father. He takes responsibility for the school run, he plays with them, they dont sleep till he has read to the kids, he really does love them. Of course he also gives me the "handouts" which provide for his kids.

I think its just that the contrast in his behaviour towards his children is so marked.

They do know most of it. They dont put stock in his anger either. My father was also an angry man. Mum says she survived (had severe depression for ages, which they both ascribe to genetics) And of course dad thinks men mellow with age.

Honestly any man who describes themselves as an alpha is a dick. And you won't change him either. My gran used to say people change but you can't change people and it's true. You either need to just live with it or leave I think.

Also who cares what your family want or if they're big on marriage? It's your life

Witnessing domestic abuse is a form of child abuse. It leaves a lasting impact on them emotionally and mentally for the rest of their lives. They are at increased risk of being in abusive relationships themselves.

Seeing daddy get so angry at mommy impacts them and their behaviour. They don’t know when daddy is going to erupt so are lacking that security and stability that children need. They don’t understand what is happening and don’t forget that they will be frightened by this. Hearing shouting directed towards your mother is absolutely terrifying for a child.

I grew up in an abusive home. This is not going over their heads. They are affected by this.

OP you sound so sad and scared. Please think seriously about leaving this abusive man. It's a horrible environment for you and your children.

Your children will grow up angry and abusive, or else sad and submissive. Either way their adult lives will be tainted by what they witness.

I feel so sad for you of course, but even sadder for your kids. They are witnessing abuse and they I'll consider it to be normal and go on to accept abusive spouses or be abusive themselves or just traumatised and in therapy. None of these things is good.
You have to take responsibility for that if you don't do something.
It's not a guilt I could shoulder. Good luck with it.
I've been with an abusive spouse and I am aware I still sound unempathetic. Sorry. But the fact that he chooses to verbally abuse you, and not them, shows he has control and frankly you choosing this over the mental health of your children demonstrates a severe lack of emotional attachment to them. I'm quite horrified by it frankly OP

I do know that. I wish there were universally agreed definitions of abuse that were circulated to all boys when they are children. ALL.

He says he doesn't hit me and that his anger is always justified, or "he is quick to cool". Somehow he really believes that lets him off. Some days I feel that its all in my head. Except I know how my stress has dealt me body blows.

I am really sorry to hear of your situation, one I fear that is all too common. You sound depressed and downtrodden. It was a mistake to have children with this man but you know that and it's done now.

I'm guessing your family/ culture expects you to suck this kind of thing up to keep the family's good name and reputation?

You are on the receiving end of severe emotional abuse, and your children are also being badly affected by witnessing this, however 'good' a father you think he might be. 'Domestic abuse' is considered very harmful for children.

There will be a way out, but no one can take it except you and you don't sound ready or strong enough to take steps towards it. Is there anyone you could confide in or get support from?

Your kids will grow up to despise you, and all women. He will train them to join in.

This is fucking them up beyond repair.

Get a job and get out.

I used to be such a confident person.
I feel like I have lost all my confidence and energy 13 years in this marriage. I dont even know what happened or when.

These are good things to think about. Mentally the last time I thought something will help me was when I found a job in a different city and left to join it. Several times actually. I couldn't divorce him, so this seemed like the best way.

Most of the times I left though, it left me in a mental pit of depression where I didn't want to talk to ANYBODY. As soon as I start getting ANY mental space, somehow we end up back together. Like I said, he is very rational and kind when he is not being angry.

Socially the married state is so much easier to maintain a facade with.

I agree, I have seen that happen to my brother. I will leave, my kid clings to him and he uses the older one as a shield to beat me with

Not really. That is why I am waiting for the kids to grow up a little so that they start understanding the ins and outs of this

I'm sorry you're going through this. All strength and power to you ❤️

This is so bad, it's so much worse for the DC than you realise. They will be absorbing it.

Please speak to Women's Aid.

With such young DC I wouldn't hesitate to leave via a refuge.

You are sacrificing your children for the sake of your own social standing. Grow up.

What on earth possessed you to have children with a man who has always been angry and shouty? What were you thinking???

Your priority should be those children. You made the choose to go back to your h, for whatever reason, but those kids have no choice at all, and being around an angry man like that will totally tuck them up.

Time to get your priorities straight. Who cares what your family think about marriage? Aren't they more concerned about your happiness and the Dc being safe??

No. You’re children are growing up
in an environment where their mother is being emotionally abused, therefore they are being emotionally abused. You need to see the reality of the situation which is you are not protecting your children from
abuse. As victim of abuse yourself this is understandable but understanding doesn’t stop the damage to your children.

You want your children to suffer more? To be damaged even more by the horrendous abuse they witness? I feel so fucking sorry for your poor kids.

This.
It's going to be harsh but you need to leave, he sounds bloody awful

My dad was always angry and screaming and shouting growing up. It's really left a mark on me. Mam had the chance to leave but didn't. I wish she had! I have a huge amount of anger against him. Make no mistake. It will affect the children.