Angry Husband

[Vienn]

My husband is one of those men who define themselves as "alphas" by which definition they get to be angry at everyone every time they have a mood shift.

The problem is I am not healthy enough to deal with his anger rationally. The irrational part of my brain gives me palpitations and extreme stress every time he loses his cool on me.
None of it is helped by the fact that he says extremely MEAN things when he is angry. He will actually use words that let me know that I am basically a parasite leechung on him. Because I am a SAHM since the kids.

I have two kids with him, both of whom are very young (4 & 2). I fear that both will learn that anger is the normal state of being for men. Plus, with two very young kids, its difficult to go out and work. I really dont understand how and what i shall do. I am 40, and I already have atrial fibrillation and type II diabetes, from being under stress all the time. I fear I will drop dead from the trauma of his anger some days. I dont know what to do about this anymore.
Before the kids I used to take up jobs in different cities so that I didn't have to "deal" with my marriage. I was financially stable. Socially however, my life was a mess.
Now I have social acceptance everywhere I go, but I really do fear I will drop dead on somedays. If I do what hapoens to my chuldren, and if I dont, what still happens with my children?

OP, you need to stop trying to convince yourself that your H is a good father. I grew up in such a family, with an oh so rational/sweet/caring father who at the same time was very cruel and abusive to my mother. And he always tried to gaslight her with the same ”it's all in your head, you're crazy”. Thankfully, she managed to get back to work when I was about 4, after a few years of being told that she is a parasite - the same insult that you get from your H. And eventually they divorced. But she did struggle to hold her job, because all that domestic terror had made her ill. So be careful, because the more you age, the harder will be for you to regain your forces and become financially independent.
Men mellowing with age? What a lie! My dad was physically aggressive to my mother even when she was dying, and he was 82. I bet you say: well, at least my H doesn't hit me, so I'd better stay married. But verbal violence is still violence, can make you ill and destroy your life. You're still young, you don't deserve this life and your children don't deserve it either.

i'm sorry you are having to live like this. I suspect it is because you grew up in that type of environment so it was normalised at an unconscious level. Your husband has taken advantage of this and gradually eroded your boundaries. I say 'if you walk on eggshells for long enough, eventually they will cut your feet.' Abusive men can do so much damage even if they don't hit you. It is not in your head. You are not irrational. HE is irrationally angry and is the one with mental health problems. He is a bully. Please let go of any self-doubt. You are completely right about how he makes you feel and it is not OK. The palpitations and stress are your body's valid response to a threatening situation. He won't change so you need to plan what you want to do and no-one should judge you for your decision as you are working out the best way to survive. You are not at fault - he is.

I appreciate how tired you must feel with two small children and all of that going on. I think it is lovely that you have the children as he could quite well have stopped you having any and that would have been a great shame. Those children will always love you no matter what and you will always be there for them. Ignore people who are criticising you about your decisions so far.

Money and health are your main priorities. I would concentrate on getting some level of financial security - saving/hiding money, getting a job, make sure you have a separate bank account, ducks in row etc. You are obviously skilled (and sociable!)and had a career before so get that going on some level, however small, if you feel able. Many jobs are remote these days which is a godsend if your health's not great or you have kids. You can have an online meeting, then lie down for 10 minutes. You can do it - take one day at a time and be proud of each small thing! The children will start school and that will make your life a lot easier.

Prioritise self-care and keep yourself as well as you can. Stop living your life this way and start thinking differently - every decision you make must be one which puts you first. Try to learn again what it feels like to aim for exactly what YOU want - as I assume that has been taken away from you. However small, practice making some decisions which are best for you, not him.

Can you get him to do more child-care so you can go for a swim - things like that, or join a class, hobby - anything which puts you at the centre is so important as this will give you strength. You are still young at 40 even if it doesn't feel like it.

I would recommend going to Relate on your own without telling him. Explain what is going on and they will give you some guidance. I found them brilliant and so did my friend. They had seen it all and can spot an abusive man a mile off. Or, if you have domestic abuse support locally that will be a good idea as well. There is a volunteer one near me which is brilliant. I think it's too difficult to make such big decisions on your own..

You deserve better...

Whatever you decide to do start scurrying whatever bits of money you can away. Once you have some sense of financial choice, things become easier. Work out what you would be entitled to benefits wise. Start applying for them - for you and/or the kids. He doesn’t need to know. Get yourself into as strong as a position as possible even if you’re staying as ONE day you will leave. Today might not be that day, but one day you will.

Your husband is abusing you by being angry with you all the time.
You are both abusing your children by allowing them to grow up in this toxic environment.

You say yourself that your father was an angry man, and you have clearly replicated this situation in your own marriage. Is this what you want your daughters to do too?

I really feel that I have given up on joy these days.

I feel sad for your children, growing up in a joyless home.

I suppose you can make this choice for yourself, but you are also making this choice for your children, and that's inexcusable.