Would you be a SAHM under these circumstances?

[ToBeOrNotToBe2023]

Just looking for some advice really.

DH and I have two young children. One will be starting school in August and the other is due to start a full time nursery placement in March (after my mat leave ends).

DH and I both earn well. He earns approx £100k and I earn around £43k but with bonuses this usually ends up closer to £70k.

DH has accepted voluntary redundancy and will receive a payout equivalent to one years salary in May. He is very experienced in his field and his contacts have advised that he should secure another role fairly quickly.

We both have decent savings in our own names. His are around £50k and mine closer to £100k.

We can’t decide whether I should be a SAHM for the next 12-18 months in order to allow our eldest to get settled at school and our youngest to get settled at nursery (we would still like her to attend 2 days per week even although I’d be at home).

It would ease some pressure around drop offs, pick ups, who looks after the kids when sick, how to juggle annual leave around the school holidays, ensuring we can spend weekends as a family rather than chasing our tail with housework/house admin.

The downside is that I’d be giving up a good income for this period and no guarantee that I’d be able to walk back into a role with the same earning potential. Also, DH should secure a job easily enough as he has a lot of senior contacts in the industry but of course there are no guarantees.

DH would be paying for mortgage, bills etc and I’d be looking to use my savings for nursery (for eldest until August and then for youngest from March onwards) as well as their clothing/some activities etc.

Really struggling to decide but need to make a decision soon as need to inform my work.

Sorry if I’m rambling. Didn’t want to leave anything out!

Another selfish self centred man who flourishes in life because his partner does everything. I've a close friend in similar circumstances and it infuriates me. In fact I know many women who sadly do this...... I get totally what your saying but test him and ask him to do what he suggested for you to do and see what he says. Then use his response which I suspect will be no way to leverage a better family deal. Oh and he should pay all the bills as he is working.

My DH worked away 5.5 days a week when DD was born, and for the following 2 years. Nearest family was 300 miles away. Mine was 9000 miles away.

I was planning on returning to work after 12 months mat leave but had the opportunity for voluntary redundancy about 8 months in. I stayed off for another 4 months but then started working as a consultant. This gave me the opportunity to work when DD slept. Some of the redundancy pay went into a SIPP to keep my pension going. It went so well DH and I set up a Ltd company and both consulted out of it for a number of years.

I went back to a corporate role when DD was about 6. Now I’m the one travelling whilst DH looks after everything at home. I’m extremely glad that I didn’t let my career take a step back.

And I can tell you that I wasn’t covering all of the domestic chores while he was away! If I didn’t need to do it to keep me and DD alive it didn’t get done!

Yes. Absolutely. You have plenty of money but time with your children is very brief.

Once they’re all at school and you’re back at work, you’ll have another 30 years of it.

Once they’re all at school and you’re back at work, you’ll have another 30 years of it.

Not always that easy is it though? If I took a few years out of my career there's pretty much zero chance I'd be able to return to a similar role.

No for this reason "DH would be paying for mortgage, bills etc and I’d be looking to use my savings for nursery (for eldest until August and then for youngest from March onwards) as well as their clothing/some activities etc."

Your finances aren't properly sorted. It's either family money or you split 50/50 mortgage, nursery, clothes etc.

No absolutely not , really shocked anyone would even consider it.

For those saying that DH isn’t working…that won’t happen until May and when it does then it will only be short term (hopefully). He will, of course, help with the drop offs etc during this time but it’s more difficult once work resumes. He may be allowed one or two days working from home but he’d still be expected to work in the office for the majority of the week.

• he does not have a new job yet. He might have been advised it should not take long, but the market is challenging at the moment. Nobody knows. Might find another job tomorrow, might take a long while.
• how do you know what this hypothetical new job would expect? He could only look for jobs that would allow WFH and/or flexibility, why is the default option for you to do it?
• If you're the default parent now then you have the most excellent opportunity - let him stay at home for a while and get used to what it takes to run a household.

Haha no! Too much risk for you and not fair. Quicker he gets used to do his fair share of what having 2 parents who work requires the better -planning, pick ups, drop offs, children being sick. Also why should you pay for nursery out of your savings? Should be out of family money or family savings

No. IMHO no parent should ever be a SAHP, even if they are working for no monetary gain. Life doesn’t come with guarantees. What if……your DH can’t get a new job, he has an affair, you have an affair….I could go on. I hate to break it to you, but childcare gets harder as they get older, not easier. I long for the day s when I skipped out of the house at 7am and returned at 6.30pm and the nanny was in charge. Now I juggle lift shares, bus drop offs, after school clubs, holiday clubs that only ever seem to run from 10-4 🤯 and a part time housekeeper/nanny who only seems to read the weekly emailed schedule on alternate weeks. I earn similarly to your dh. My dh earns significantly more. I have never needed to work and I always have. Stopping work leaves you so vulnerable.

You have to do the sums correctly and factor in your pension, interest, lost interest in depleting savings, and more probably than not, lost promotional opportunities.

Meanwhile your dh will go from strength to strength, not only increasing his earning potential, but quite likely benefitting from dependable domestic labour and rock solid child minding. For instance, he might be able to agree on the spot to a week away, without even blinking and that counts a lot towards reputation and perception.

I am a sahm, but in your circumstances I wouldn’t consider it. Spending your savings is not an option.

Why is your child your financial responsibility?

This does not bode well.

I would propose that he does School Drop offs /pick ups ! You have no guarantees that DH will be able to pick up a new job just off the bat either.Say No!

So inspiring! Thanks for sharing. What kind of consulting was it and how did you
manage client interaction?

Excellent points. Remember you will
Not be contributing to a pension, nor getting employer contributions, for all that time. I speak from experience - it has a big impact. Not to say don't do if, but do make sure you factor in all of the aspects

100% agree - this is the issue for most of us - v difficult for professional career women to return to similar level of job and the are virtually no kid-senior part time jobs/ career opportunities out there

The fact that you will be paying nursery fees out of savings is a no and why are you the only one paying that? He needs to pay too. What about your pension and career?

Hire a cleaner for the weekends. Why can't your husband do the pickups and dropoffs?

No. I’m SAHM but would never have done it if DH was redundant. And tbh although the early years were fab, I kind of regret it now, as am unemployable for any job I’d be willing to do.

If your DH is out of work why can’t he do all the school runs etc? You can always quit later but you can’t magic a good job out of thin air if you quit and regret it - trust me on that!

I wouldn't do anything till DH got a new job. And then maybe look for a new role for you with less hours.

No, no, no.

go back. He can look for a job that allows some WFH/ four days a week/ compressed hours so he can be around for at least some of the childcare. Once he has something, you can have a discussion about you going 4 days a week or whatever. But there is no point assuming what his new role would look like, and it is a bad idea to assume he would have no input to shape it - if he is in demand, he will have flexible options .

He’s not used to doing any parenting or housework? Sounds like an excellent opportunity for him to bloody well get extremely used to it very quickly. Tell him his earliest start date is one month after he finishes work as you expect one month of stay at home dad doing most of the work.
and my Dh works an hours drive away in management in a reasonably high pressure role, as do I. We are both full time (Dh is on paternity leave right now with dc3 but will be full time). He leaves at 4:30 to collect dc every day when working, because they are his children. Not the immaculate conception and my responsibility. I start at 9:30 after drop off. Sometimes we swap to make a particularly important meeting. Our workplaces deal with it.

also, it’s never a good plan to be running through savings. You do it for maternity leave if you have to, you do it for severe illness, unexpected redundancy. You don’t do it because it would be easier to have two parents at home as one isn’t much use from the sounds of it. And maybe your dh is great, just doesn’t do much now. In which case he will have to start. My husband wrote a long list of things to do on parental leave, I edited it for him to add parenting and housework which he had left off 😳 and now he’s doing all of that and it is LUXURY

We’re navigating a recession, Your husband is older and looking for a very specific type of position a hes is going to be jobless for a year which makes him the perfect stay at home dad. You quitting your job is madness. Two unemployed parents with two children is also madness.

I really don't understand (and have tried to read
Carefully) why your partner is getting a years salary payout which would cover him to spend the year at home, but planning to rush into
Looking for a new job immediately. Which is forcing you into a position where you are considering leaving a very lucrative job (you won't get a 42k job that brings in 70 again) on a short term basis. It seems madness.

His job will also surely taper towards the end, or in such a senior role he can ensure it does surely. He can choose to look at only with roles with minimal international travel and 1-2 days a week at home and discount those that will over burden you. He has a year to find it on that cushion. Or is he planning to bank the years salary into HIS savings pot and get back into work immediately leaving you picking up the slack and not getting a penny of HIS lump sum.

If you do quit for job do it because YOU want to, because your value is fully recognized and appreciated by your husband who shares everything with you and would never leave you short. Not because he is inflexible and not prepared to do his stint in the trenches.

No experience with being a SAHM or having kids (expecting first DC in a few weeks) HOWEVER, DH was made redundant and is very experienced in his field. He was unemployed for a year trying to find something that paid as well but has in the last few months 'settled' for a contracting role paying half as much he used to be on. He too was advised he could slot into something very easily but the reality was the economic climate isn't great and hasn't recovered and he's struggling to find something. Just something to think about.. good luck!

Don't give up your job. Tell your DH that this 'break' in roles will be a good opportunity for him to get a job that fits with family life/childcare. Do not accept him taking a job that involves more travel. You will definitely then end up doing it all whilst he extols the virtues of eating out, going to the gym etc.

Why would you give up what you have when he won't?