Would you be a SAHM under these circumstances?

[ToBeOrNotToBe2023]

Just looking for some advice really.

DH and I have two young children. One will be starting school in August and the other is due to start a full time nursery placement in March (after my mat leave ends).

DH and I both earn well. He earns approx £100k and I earn around £43k but with bonuses this usually ends up closer to £70k.

DH has accepted voluntary redundancy and will receive a payout equivalent to one years salary in May. He is very experienced in his field and his contacts have advised that he should secure another role fairly quickly.

We both have decent savings in our own names. His are around £50k and mine closer to £100k.

We can’t decide whether I should be a SAHM for the next 12-18 months in order to allow our eldest to get settled at school and our youngest to get settled at nursery (we would still like her to attend 2 days per week even although I’d be at home).

It would ease some pressure around drop offs, pick ups, who looks after the kids when sick, how to juggle annual leave around the school holidays, ensuring we can spend weekends as a family rather than chasing our tail with housework/house admin.

The downside is that I’d be giving up a good income for this period and no guarantee that I’d be able to walk back into a role with the same earning potential. Also, DH should secure a job easily enough as he has a lot of senior contacts in the industry but of course there are no guarantees.

DH would be paying for mortgage, bills etc and I’d be looking to use my savings for nursery (for eldest until August and then for youngest from March onwards) as well as their clothing/some activities etc.

Really struggling to decide but need to make a decision soon as need to inform my work.

Sorry if I’m rambling. Didn’t want to leave anything out!

Thanks everyone.

Think my heart is ruling my head a little on this one as I’d love to spend more time with the children. However, I’m not oblivious to the fact that I’ve worked super hard to establish my career and not sure I’d really be able to rebuild it to the same level if I took a step back now.

I am just worried that all the child responsibilities will lie with me (whilst working full time) as this is what he has been accustomed to whilst I’ve been on mat leave. A new job for him may require more travel overseas and I’m just panicking how I’m going to fit it all in if working full time (I can’t reduce hours with the role I’m doing)

Why is all child care your sole worry & responsibility. He’s well paid he can pony up. Buy in some help
If he’s absent because of work he can’t expect you to shoulder all responsibilities and give up work too

I would have said possibly right up to the point where you are decimating your savings to fund nursery and costs involving the children.

To feel secure financially why are you not using his savings or seeing if you can do this on one salary? If you are unable to walk back into your job and you can't fund this on one salary what happens then? You are considering tanking your career which you may not get back.

A child doesn't need a year to settle into school. Worrying that this career change for him will mean you having full responsibility for all things children related.

I am a sahm but I never earned that sort of money and I was never returning to work due to ill health. I totally understand the draw of wanting to be at home. Would you be able to take a sabbatical from work for a year?

Sabbatical an option? Or extended unpaid ‘mat’ leave is what I did (maybe it’s called parental leave now).
He can take the break from work otherwise as he’s the one imminently without a job. It would be maddening for you to do this.

No child needs a year to settle at school,it’s wholly unnecessary

I am just worried that all the child responsibilities will lie with me (whilst working full time) as this is what he has been accustomed to whilst I’ve been on mat leave

Well you need to challenge this then, as you will no longer be on mat leave, you will be working full time and not for an insignificant salary. Even if he walks into another job the day after he’s made redundant, he doesn’t get to wash his hands of childcare responsibilities. In a lot of relationships, the person earning 70K would be the highest earner by a long stretch. If you are desperate to be a SAHM at the expense of your career, then see if you can make it work, but certainly not at the expense of your savings. If you want to work, couldn’t a nanny or an au pair be a consideration given your combined earning power?

Hilarious your 1 job down then want to voluntarily give up yours so nether of you work
sounds like your jealous of DH not working

Seems simple enough to me OP- be a SAHM once your husband has a new job.

No stay in your job. Get a nanny if you have to. But do not risk your pension and your career.

DH would be paying for mortgage, bills etc and I’d be looking to use my savings for nursery (for eldest until August and then for youngest from March onwards) as well as their clothing/some activities etc

Fuck off!!!

Why can't he be the sahp?

Not a chance!

I would say be a SAHM if he funds it from his redundancy and then salary in his new job. I love being home with mine so appreciate you wanting this too. My husband is paying into my pension whilst I'm now working. Thankfully I have a career that I can step back into at the same level though

Everyone mum I know who went part time or extended time off never recovered their career/earnings to the level of those who stayed working full time using nurseries or nannies. Since covid work travel is generally less. WFH at least 2 days a week and flexible start and end times is now the norm. He can find a new role which allows him to do some of the school/nursery drop offs

No but I would probably go part time. If you leave it will be really hard to get back to where you were. If you stay on reduced hours it will be a lot easier. Should you decide to go full time again ( or you can afford to stay part time and enjoy best of both worlds). It is tempting to be a sahm when they are young. I probably would have if we could have afforded it but I am glad we couldn't because I think I would have regretted it and wouldn't have as Interesting a job now.

*every mum not everyone

Nope

I am just worried that all the child responsibilities will lie with me (whilst working full time) as this is what he has been accustomed to whilst I’ve been on mat leave

The answer to this isn't just roll over and accept it, sacrificing earning potential, pension contributions and personal career development.

You stand firm and hold him to account on the fact that he fathered two kids so damn well needs to pull his weight.

Why is that even an option? He's taken redundancy and you are contemplating giving up work. So from both having an income to nothing?

He hasn't hit another job. You have. That's the priority. He can look for a job with more family friendly hours to work around you.

Do not use savings to pay nursery.

This is the most crazy post I've seen. I cannot fathom why you are even thinking if this.

SAHM here due to specific reasons. The boredom is terrible combined with the loss of status and we have a very decent household income. I would really stay in work if you can and let H negotiate WFH/ contract.

It would ease some pressure around drop offs, pick ups, who looks after the kids when sick, how to juggle annual leave around the school holidays, ensuring we can spend weekends as a family rather than chasing our tail with housework/house admin.
OK, but what will be different in two years? You need to juggle sick kids and school holidays for years yet. So in a few years when you say OK, I've done it for two years I'm ready to go back now, what will be different?

Also I think it should be a no go unless you can afford to live on wages, not eat into your savings for kids clothes and activities! He's getting 100k in his bank but none of his savings are being eaten up, just you who now can't afford to add to them!!

Why are you using your saving for nursery? Definitely stay in your job. If he has a period not working (which seems likely) he can be a SAHP.

Nope! Your through the worst now cost wise with Nursery and you'd be bored shitless

No. Stay with your role, DH gets a job and you use the money to get help to make lives easier (cleaner, someone to cook some meals for you, whatever). In 5 years time your career will have progressed and kid schools/nursery will be in a routine and you'll manage. Millions of us do.

am just worried that all the child responsibilities will lie with me (whilst working full time) as this is what he has been accustomed to whilst I’ve been on mat leave
And, no. If you go back full time, you draw up a rota.

I would be a full supporter of being a stay at home Mom (it doesn't seem very popular here) but these circumstances don't sound great - using savings especially..