Sahm to school age children

[Leader29]

I gave up work when my fist child was born. He is now 9 years old and my youngest is 6 years old. I knew i always wanted to be a sahm, and am so happy I have been. I also am happy with the fact that even now... I am there at a moments notice if school call/they are ill... and I'm there for school drop off and pick up.
However, I am lonely. I feel like in sit there for 6 hours waiting for pick up time. I have friends but they all work. I have now hit a point where I have nothing to talk about when I'm at the school gates. I don't know what to do to fill my time. To give me zest for life again. Going for a walk on my own with no destination, or the cafe alone seems silly. Iv got myself into a weird mindset. I'd love a little work from home job. But they arnt really a thing now. I don't really know what I'm looking for from life, but I do know I feel lost now the kids are at school. And I don't know any other parents in the same situation as me. Being a sahm to school age children seems frowned upon. I'm judged by other mums. I can't find people like me.
Does This make sense.

Oh bless you, it does sound lonely. I went back to work when my youngest started school for similar reasons but I’m very fortunate with my job that it’s flexible and term time only.

Would something like volunteering or doing a college course be a good option if you can’t find a job that is flexible enough yet? There were a few lovely ladies at the toddler group at church who were in similar situations who were a wonderful support or perhaps home start? I think more wfh jobs are becoming available as employers try to fill recruitment gaps so you could ask an agency too.

All the best and well done for all your hard work as a SAHM - no one sees but it does make an impact.

Volunteering and PTA filled much of my time.

I'm now working in a school, so get the holidays, but DH gets to do the before and after school stuff, and all the inset days.

In principle I'd love to sahm but in reality I'm bored out of my tree. I've never not been able to fetch a poorly child so unless they are I'll all the time I wouldn't let that hold you back. You need a part time job.

Don't over think the sahm thing, it's all just life

You could, decorate, garden, train, learn, teach, help, entertain, write, mentor,…

I was in the same situation so I started a part time degree and volunteer one day a week. I also go for long walks after morning school run where I bump into regular people to say hello too. Once my DD goes to secondary school and is more independent I'll be back to work but this fills my time perfectly now. I had started to feel useless before .

We re moving overseas this summer and I will become a SAHM to an 8 and 11 year old.

I know my first weeks will be busy settling in and helping the DC emotionally.

After that I plan on focusing on my health and fitness which have both taken a battering due to FT work and DC with SN.

If I start to get bored and lonely my plan is:

• go to a fitness class during the week and hopefully meet people I can chat with
• volunteer during school hours
• help out at the primary school
• online training sessions so when we re back in a country where I can work I have more qualifications and options for finding work

agree with others about volunteering.

For me it’s perfect, you get to know loads of people and still don’t hold any responsibilities so no stress attached.

it also makes me appreciate my days ‘off’.

I think it's your mindset rather than genuinely not having anything to do as PPs have listed many things you could do to fill your time.
People that work full time in jobs they can't disclose much about (because of confidentiality and ethics for example) can also feel restricted about topics if they don't make an effort to keep up with what's happening around them and do activities.
Our PTA are invaluable I would recommend getting involved in yours.

If you’re feeling lost and lacking zest, you could be depressed. It might be that you need to go for that walk alone even if you don’t feel like it, 6-10 weeks in a row (assuming you go once a week), until it becomes habit and the enjoyment returns. The “gearing up to do something” part is the worst bit. If you want company, try ramblers association or similar.

Things I’d do with six hours a day and no work:

Big long walks
Writing
My garden
Horticulture theory retraining
Decorate my house
Wild swimming
Baking
Cook like Nigel Slater in that “I pottered to the grocer and found a bag of plums and suddenly my afternoon was clear, I would make clafoutis” way
Paint

Can you start some courses to develop a skill set so it would make it easier for you to find a work from home job? Would even a part time job work?

Remember you are setting an example for your kids so they will look to you for work ethics, drive etc.

This is why I went back to work, I was the only SAHM, toddler groups were filled with grandparents and child minders !
I desperately needed some adult chat and someone to say ‘thank you’ , going back to work was fantastic, I really appreciated my time there.

I'd love a little work from home job. But they arnt really a thing now.

Really?!! I would say 50%+ of the people I know wfh now!

I can’t imagine anyone is judging you-most people really don’t care what anyone else at the school gates does, but you sound like you feel unhappy as you have nothing in your life. I would definitely look at working.

Why are all these SAHM posts never followed up - anyone else suspect journalist troll activity?

This one - seriously, you need someone to tell you to get a f...g life - and the one seeing it perfectly fine to be financially supported by someone else for life makes me wonder. I never used to but its beyond a joke

Imagine having 6 hours a day - TO YOURSELF 😩😩

When I was a sahm I volunteered at my dcs primary one day a week listening to children read. I was also a parent Governor and then on the back of that was co opted to Governor at another local school. I also volunteered (and still do) with girlguiding as a brownie leader. I was certainly never bored and I got to meet lots of people.

Have you looked into volunteer opportunities in your area?

OP, you need to get a job, start protecting your financial security and making pension contributions. It isn't safe to rely on a man or a marriage.

What did you do before kids?

the answer is easy get a job in a school,

There are loads of "small" jobs you can do from home, proof reading for example. Do some research and there is bound to be something you might find interesting. There is nothing like having a bit of money of your own to make you feel better imo! The financial independence was what I struggled most with.
There is also nothing wrong with starting a job outside the home, if you don't like it, you can always go back to being a sahm. In my experience it is perfectly possible to be a good mum and work, you don't have to be there for every single school run. Give it a try, you will probably manage, just like other working mums.

I was a sahm when the kids were little and loved it at the time but did multiple volunteering roles even then when the kids were very young (ran a school fete with five month old ds in a sling ) I would have been bored and depressed if I hadn't done these extra roles. You need a routine and a sense of purpose . In all honesty you do get a lot of that from work . I first went back to work doing a few evenings in the local pub and the boost to my self esteem from being with adults and earning a bit of money was massive. Im now about to go full time for the first time since having the kids (my youngest is now ten) and actually looking forward to it as I've had a lot of stress and struggles recently and know work will keep me busy and focused on other things . Too much time on our hands isn't always a luxury .

I wasn't lonely (more lonely when they were babies) but when school age I volunteered at school (second hand uniform shop, organised school discos, helped at summer/Christmas fairs). When they got to the age of your kids I worked part time for myself.
I also had a routine that I dropped the kids and went straight to the community pool for a swim.
Getting involved with the community (local action group, church, food bank, charity shops etc). I also ran the kitchen at my sons rugby practice and matches (bacon sandwiches on practice days, meals for 40 on match days).
If it doesn't exist maybe a weekly coffee morning for each of your kids class's parents? This was already established at my kids' school and it really helped get to know other parents, keep up with what was going on and invaluable if you are new to the school. It was right after drop off at 8.30am so even some of those who worked could drop in the local cafe for a quick coffee. It just takes someone to organise it. Some weeks only three or four people came, sometimes 10 or 12.

Thankyou for the many who were constructive and helpful. I clearly don't just sit on my bum for 6 hours. I was saying that it feels like that. The day to day running of a house is dull. And I do not have the network of friends in a similar situation to share my time with.
I have spent my parenting years being at home being their main carer, which has ment my husband hand managed to work hard to make his way up the ladder on his career, education, working late and unreliable hours and now, after 10 years of hard work, not worrying about childcare, he is finally at the top of game. Been made director in a wonderful role. He couldn't have done that with worries of child care. We both grew up in houses with mums at home and we both decided that is how we wanted to to do things in our own home with our own family. I have taught myself a certain craft over the past few years and now sell my work. Which gives a little extra to the pot. But it is very lonely, and I was hoping to find people in a similar situation. My mental health has taken a dip in recent years. I suspect covid has played a part in that. I have requested to help at my children's school, but they are a little slow in moving forward with that even though they are keen to have me.
I often find there are a select few who judge at the school gates. I don't claim anything, but they act as if I do. And to be honest, this response to this post shows the same mix. Many happy to chat and offer advise. And some down right rude people who arnt able to understand, advise or walk away if they disagree.
Thankyou to those who were polite. Hearing other people's own experiences is helpful (and the reason I originally posted)

I have spent my parenting years being at home being their main carer, which has ment my husband hand managed to work hard to make his way up the ladder on his career, education, working late and unreliable hours and now, after 10 years of hard work, not worrying about childcare, he is finally at the top of game. Been made director in a wonderful role.

This is fantastic for him, but if he leaves you tomorrow what do you have to show for the last 10 years?

I agree with other posters who say you should get a job and start putting yourself first. If the children are ill and need collecting from school then your husband should step up and look after them.

Get a job (not wfh)
Start a business (ditto)
Go back to uni (in person, not distance learning)

When you’ve been a SAHM for years, I know it feels like the sky will fall in if you’re not available for your kids 24/7, but it really won’t. You’re bored and lonely- I think WFH is the last thing you need. Some adult company would do you the world of good. A job in a school would be ideal so you still get the holidays but honestly, you’ll find a way even if you do have to work the holidays.

You obviously don't want to be a sahp so don't! There's such a thing as part time work or volunteering

Has your husband paid into a pension for you all these years, and are any of your shared assets in your name? If not then you need to sort that out pronto.

In terms of keeping busy, I’m not surprised you feel aimless. Most people would in your situation. You need to get out and DO something and tbh unless you’re depressed I’m struggling to see how you don’t know that/haven’t done it already! Volunteering, studying, gym, the list is endless!

TBH I would be utterly miserable in your situation so I find it hard to relate as I would never give up work out of choice but if you want to continue to stay home you need to really crack ok and make your life more interesting. Sorry to be harsh but perhaps people aren’t judging you, more struggling to relate. If you have nothing to talk about to friends, your husband etc other than housework then it will be hard to make and maintain adult bonds and feel equal, like you have things in common. How does your husband feel about continuing to do all the earning at this stage in your lives? Of course he would need to step up with childcare and housework if you worked, so he may not want that, but have you talked about it?