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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

SAHM’s Do You Have Money For Yourself!

30 replies

Mum2Fabulous3 · 18/08/2019 22:32

Hi,
I am a SAHM and have been for some time to our children, my husband works fairly long hours and sometimes is required to work away and earns a very good wage. Getting a job would be difficult because the childcare costs would cost more than I’d earn myself and also we have no family to help with child care. I do not have any money to spend on myself ever and I’m starting to feel resentful towards my husband because I feel he has a wage and I don’t and has access to money at all times. He transfers a certain amount of money into my bank account each month and there is never any money left over and sometimes I enter my overdraft, the money he gives me covers our groceries for one month (family of five) petrol for a month, my phone bill (which is cheap) and our cats food and insurance and our children’s school dinner money. I have two old pairs of jeans, two pairs of shorts, underwear that’s really old, a broken bag, a broken purse and one pair of flip flops. I know it’s not my money and my husband earns it but he earns that money whilst I take full responsibility of childcare to enable him to earn his own money and I can’t do that. I just don’t know what to do. Would asking him to change hours so I can earn a wage too help although I know it’s not really possible.

Any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Andallofasuddenitsover · 18/08/2019 22:35

No person should ever be in this position OP. You need to explain this to your DH, surely if understood he’d want you to have what you need!

ineedaholidaynow · 18/08/2019 22:38

Why don't you have a joint account or a joint credit card?

MardyLardy · 18/08/2019 22:39

So whilst you get poor and lose your economic power he earns and spends and shows no care for you.

I would get a job quickly - childcare comes from his money too.

I would ask him to change and divorce if he didn’t - you will see more of his precious money that way and he an opportunity to find someone who puts you first.

Ginger1982 · 18/08/2019 22:39

You really should have full access to his money. It should be family money. You are saving your family the extortion cost of childcare and should be able to spend what you need or want to within reason. It sounds like your DH is being financially abusive here.

ChipsAreLife · 18/08/2019 22:40

Have you talked to him?

Also if you went back he would pay half the childcare.

dementedpixie · 18/08/2019 22:41

We have a joint account and I can spend however I please (within reason)

Simkin · 18/08/2019 22:42

You are married. You are looking after his children. He could not be as successful or have as much as he does if you didn't. When you have a family you become an economic unit together.

I was a sahm for ages and all money went into a joint account for household expenditure and we each got a monthly personal allowance from that to spend as we wished (that still happens now). Only fair way imo.

HolidayYouWhat · 18/08/2019 22:44

I am no longer SAHM, but when I was I had complete access to the joint account and could spend what I liked. I didn't, because we were fucking skint, neither of us did it all had to go on essentials. But I had total access.

Now I earn about half what DH does, all money in one pot and we both spend what we like. Not so skint any more luckily!

Themyscira · 18/08/2019 22:44

This is financial abuse, op. He is controlling you. Consider other ways he may be controlling you - it very rarely is just one thing.

TheCatsACunt · 18/08/2019 22:45

You need to get a job and split childcare. That way you’re earning, and he’s taking home less and might appreciate what he’s given up.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 18/08/2019 22:46

I was a sahm for 3.5 years, went back to work PT for a year and am about to take another 3.5 yrs off.
Throughout this time DH and I shared his earnings as DH took the (correct) view that I was sacrificing my career/earning potential to raise OUR children and if we decided I was to work it would cost us a lot of money to pay for childcare.

What seems fair, to me, is you work out how much income you have every month, work out your outgoings, whether you're able to or want to save anything, then how much you (as a couple) both want for spends.
Anything else is not fair, imo.

Does he acknowledge your unpaid labour? If you ask for extra does he say Of course and transfer across no questions? Does he police what you buy? Does he have lots of spare cash and buys items freely?

Bumbags · 18/08/2019 22:46

That’s not how this should work.

You are a partnership and you should have access to all the money.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 18/08/2019 22:46

I'm a sahm and I have full access to my husbands income. We have a joint account which his salary goes into. I was reluctant to use it initially but I'm fine with it now. We have full trust in each other.
You're situation is not right. Can you talk it over with your dh or visit a financial advisor together? If you don't feel this is an option then the marriage is probably not worth keeping.

PinkCrayon · 18/08/2019 22:47

You should have full access to the money!
You need a joint account.
I agree with pp this is financial abuse.

Benes · 18/08/2019 22:52

This is financial abuse.

You should have access to joint money.

ValiaH · 18/08/2019 22:53

Two words- Joint account. All. Money is 'our money' out of which comes all household spending, everything for the kids, date nights, gifts for others, bills, petrol for both cars etc. We also have an equal 'allowance' to spend on ourselves as we see fit- I buy a lot of costa, he buys pc games, we both buy our own clothes out of that. We have always done it this way even when I worked. We worked it out before we got married, and established that yes 'someone' always benefits but we are a partnership and so ultimately all money is shared, and contributions are not purely financial. Your husband is not treating you as an equal partner.

Floralnomad · 18/08/2019 22:54

We’ve always had a joint account and I do as I please within reason ie we discuss big purchases .

NotStayingIn · 18/08/2019 22:59

Getting a job would be difficult because the childcare costs would cost more than I’d earn myself

But you aren’t solely responsible for the childcare costs, only half. And if you are at work again you have a chance of promotion. Much better for you financially in the long run.

Discuss getting full access to a joint account with him. If he refuses take your financial future into your own hands. Flowers

Arseface · 18/08/2019 22:59

It’s not just childcare, I bet you do all the laundry, cleaning, gardening (if you have outdoor space), take care of pets, facilitate his DCs relationships with family and friends and a million other things he’d be hard pressed to find someone else to cope with, let alone afford to pay them.
Also, and importantly, your hard work has facilitated his career progression so you are 100% entitled to your joint finances.
Do you have life assurance? Ask him to work out how much he’d have to pay to replace you.
Then have a serious talk about finances.

TitianaTitsling · 18/08/2019 22:59

You have one pair of flip flops? As your only footwear?! Are you in the UK? If you are id find this horrendous esp given the recent flood weather, how have you coped?!

Ohnononono · 18/08/2019 23:09

I was a SAHM for 13 years and could spend what I liked (within reason!). We had a joint account and joint credit card. All expenses including petrol, kids expenditure etc came out the joint account. I could buy myself clothes etc. However we would discuss how the family finances were going, so for example if we’d had a lot of bills or were saving for a holiday I would cut back on the non-essentials. At other times if DH got a pay rise or we were doing fine for money we would be able to treat ourselves. But it was all joint, and I never had to ask for money.

Your set up does not seem fair. Your husband is only able to earn a wage because you are doing the childcare.
Does he buy himself clothes?

He shouldn’t be ‘giving you money’ - the money should be joint so no need for him to ‘give’ you anything.

Original poster
Mum2Fabulous3 · 19/08/2019 10:19

Thanks for the replies - Yes it’s something we need to discuss further. We have had a lot of work done to our house the past few months but still I feel I have been living like a poor person and am going to address this with him tonight. I have always struggled with being financially dependant because when I worked I had my own money and savings but not anymore. He does take us on holiday and pay for my car, tax, insurance etc and will transfer money without questioning me but as you say we need a joint account so have fair access. I haven’t bought myself anything in years because I’ve always used the money I have for other things.

OP posts:
Bumbags · 19/08/2019 12:04

He doesn’t take you on holiday.

You go on holiday as a family.

You need to change your mindset.

Suggest working full time and getting a nanny and cleaner and sharing the children and activities equally and see what he says.

hopeishere · 19/08/2019 13:11

What does he earn?

Also all the "he will pay half the childcare costs" posts - if it's all going into one pot the pot won't swell if the childcare is more than the wage. So the op isn't really any better off.

Is that really all the clothes you have? So you never go out?

Fraggling · 19/08/2019 13:14

OP what you describe is awful. Your husband is treating you appallingly.

Can you honestly not see that?

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